I have a three month old and a five year old (boys). My three month old was/is a preemie born 5 weeks early. I'm having a REALLY hard time adjusting to having two vs having one. I often feel like a horrible mom because I've yet to figure out how to divide my time between the two and just feel totally overwhelmed most days. I end up screaming and yelling at the five yr old, just for something as simple as ACTING LIKE A FIVE YR OLD. My 5 yr old is in preschool all day and I miss him when he's gone, but when its almost time to pick him up, I literally get an intense feeling of dread because I know that the minute he gets home it will be complete chaos. Hubby works midnights so I'm home alone all night long with a not-so-great sleeping baby and then hubby is sleeping all day so I'm stuck taking care of everything alone until he wakes up (which is generally about 5 or 6:00).
I'd NEVER harm either of my kids but I know that I need to find a better way to cope with these feelings. I can't even make myself talk nicely or calmly and am often sickened by how much contempt I hear in my own voice. I often refer to my little one as "mean baby". As in "ok, mean baby, I know you want to be fed, just give me a damn minute". I'm also diabetic (type one, insulin dependent) and have a hard time remembering to take my shots or even find a second to check my own sugar. Between the baby crying and the five yr old needing me, I don't feel like I can make my own health a really big priority. My sugar is all out of whack.. I checked it quickly the other day and it was 452 (normal is 80-120, I think). I'm at a loss in almost every sense of the matter and need to know who I should turn to for help. I feel like a complete loser mom and am afraid of what people would think if they know how badly I'm doing right now.....My MIL and SIL made several comments about the fact that they don't think I'm gonna "have it so easy this time around". So I know they'll feel even more justified in thinking that. I'm sinking here and need to know where to turn for help....
So my question is, who do I contact to find a good person to talk to about my feelings right now?? I don't have a "regular" GYN...would I just contact the nurse at my OB/GYN and ask for a recommendation. I also don't see a regular "family doctor" because I have an endocronologist who sees me for Diabetes (I see her on Friday and am already prepared for a lecture about my out of control sugar). Should I confide in my sons pediatrician??
Thanx to each and every one of you for your support and suggestions. I spoke to my endo doctor today at my appointment with her. She did agree that sometimes when your sugar is out of control, it will make everything else seem that much more daunting. She's made a suggestion to get me on an insulin pump, so that it will be that much easier to control my sugar. I'm on the fence about it (I'm a creature of habit and have a hard time adjusting to new things) but will look in to it to see if it will be the right thing for me. She's also referred me to a counselor to help me learn to deal with all the changes. She said it might be a good idea to talk with the counselor first instead of going right to medicating. She's not AGAINST medicating, but likes to try to explore other ways first. I have a feeling that just having someone to talk to may be the thing I need. Let's face it, hubbies just don't GET how life altering a new baby is. My hubby DOES try to help out as much as he can, but he's just not home at night when I'm feeling the worst and the most alone. I know if I woke him during the day because it was just getting to be too much, he would jump right in....the problem is I'm so hell bent on trying to manange it all on my own that I don't bother to ask for his help. So I can't really fault him when I'm leaving him totally in the dark.
I think my biggest concern was the effect I was having on my 5 yr old. I can tell he's trying extra hard to be as good as he can be because he doesn't want to "set mommy off".....That deer in the headlights look is what haunts me the most. My biggest goal is to try to right that wrong.
I have no plans to tell MIL or SIL what's been going on....They tend to judge under the guise of "trying to help". And I don't need the added pressure right now. I love the suggestion of getting the baby on a good schedule. I think that will help at least return some sort of structure to my life. Everything just feels so out of control right now so I know that would be a step in the right direction too.
Thank you again ladies......I have no words to express how much your support has helped me get through this and get moving to make things better. You guys are the BEST!!!!
Sounds like Post Partum depression to me. I am on a low dose of Zoloft for the same type of feelings and it helped 100%. It may be happier and less moody with my kids.
Any doctor will work, your pediatrician can sure refer one to you if anything. S/he probably knows a lot about PPMD since s/he deals with babies and therefore mothers of babies.
I sympathize with you. I just went thru the same thing. I am a "I'll never need drugs/pull myself up by my bootstraps" type and because of this I unfortunately lived in denial for several months until I finally got help. I was acting the same as you, screaming at the two yr old for expecting him to behave perfectly so I could attend to the new baby. It's hard. But there was something hormonal wrong as well. I wanted to throw a chair at the wall all day long and had intense feelings of dread getting my son up in the morning. I too have sugar problems, meddling inlaws, and no support system. My family doc told me if you don't have help you are twice as likely to get PPMD. I just started zoloft 3 weeks ago and man, looking back I wished I started it sooner and feel terrible I didn't. I now feel "normal"...I'm calm, I'm patient, and I don't have thoughts about hurting the children. I can relax and enjoy my children again. It's a blessing.
Please seek help. It's something not talked about much, but a VERY common thing! Don't be embarrassed. I'll tell you what a dear friend told me who also struggled with PPMD: "It's not you, it's not your husband or your children, it's your hormones."
Take care of yourself FIRST. You cannot provide for your child if you are not healthy and at full capacity. Just like an an airplane emergency, mother puts oxygen mask on first, so she can help her child put his on.
Wake up, change babies diaper, check your sugar, eat, (or whatever order you need), nurse, take a shower, get dressed, take your son to preschool, come home, change babies diaper, nurse, play with baby, ....
When your baby naps, do a quick chore then you take a nap. Join a new mom group, and try and get out of the house during the day, even if it is just a quick walk around the block or to a new mommy group.
Take time to take care of yourself and your well being. Try self soothing techniques, do baby yoga to bond with the baby and help you as well.
Before yelling at your child, put yourself in time-out to help yourself calm down.
Call your ob office and get a referral to a counselor or dr who can talk to you and help you out. You may need to take some meds to help, but often times, having a strict routine and remaining positive, eating healthy and exercising can help.
Also, this book can help you learn parenting techniques that really help to discipline and guide children before yelling. I can be a yeller too, and it has helped me a make huge changes around my home, especially since I have very high energy kids! I promise it will help out tons.
The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child : For Birth to Age Ten by Dr. Sears
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316779040/carroll...
Go here for more info on postpartum depression and links:
http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/postpartumdepress/l/blppd.htm
I would call the OB first thing tomorrow. If they aren't helpful for some reason, call your pediatrician and ask for advice (my ped would occasionally ask me how I was doing at well visits, but I don't know if that is normal. I would have felt totally fine confiding in her). I can't imagine that the OB nurse wouldn't be helpful though. If doesn't matter that you aren't assigned to a particular doctor. Call and talk to/leave a message for the nurse and just tell her what you have said here. They have the knowledge and contacts to get you help immediately. Good for you for recognizing it. Don't feel bad for this, it isn't your fault. You are NOT a loser mom and if your family can't help and be supportive of you, don't confide in them. They have no justification for thinking badly of you. Things will improve for you soon. (((hugs)))
I suggest you call Post Partum Support International. They can answer your questions and help you make a plan to get support and care (if you need it). Check out www.ppmdsupport.com
I've been there and some of the feelings you describe are classic for post partum depression. Please call soon. You deserve to feel better than you do. Your kids deserve to have you feel better too.
I have suffered from PPD after the birth of both of my daughters. I can totally relate to what you are feeling, especially the guilt of snapping at them. I don't know where you live or what kind of insuurance you have, but I would say start first with the nurse at your OB/GYN and keep on (be it the nurse, your son's ped, etc) until you do find somebody to talk to. It is absolutely amazing the difference a good doctor, medication (in some cases) can make. I would also like to come and slap your MIL and SIL for you. Sounds just like some comments my mom made. Just ignore them, but you do need to find time to take care of you. I know, I know, easier said than done. But none of us feel at our best running on too little sleep and I can only imagine the havoc that must play with your sugar. Good luck and hang in there. You are not alone and you are not a bad mommy for feeling that way.
I would contact the nurse at your OB/GYN!!! They have resources, and I had to do the same thing after I had my third child. They put me on a generic for Prozac and referred me to psychologist. It did wonders for me. Unfortunately I had to stop all treatment because I lost my job. It was easier for me after I lost my job, but it still sneaks up on me sometimes.
I hope things get better for you soon, and you are NOT a bad mom!!!
Updated
I would contact the nurse at your OB/GYN!!! They have resources, and I had to do the same thing after I had my third child. They put me on a generic for Prozac and referred me to psychologist. It did wonders for me. Unfortunately I had to stop all treatment because I lost my job. It was easier for me after I lost my job, but it still sneaks up on me sometimes.
I hope thin
I think you can call any of the doctors you mentioned - the nurse at the OB/GYN, your endocrinologist, the pediatrician. Any of them can help!
I also think that you really REALLY need to take care of your own blood sugar first. I have a friend who is diabetic and when she forgets her insulin, she cries, she's really irritable - just a totally different person than she is normally when her sugar is under control. I bet if you just make the time to check your blood sugar and take your insulin, you will feel SO much better. Yes, it's hard, but if you need to, set an alarm or something to remind yourself.
The other thing that may help is to get the baby on a sleep/eat/play schedule. I used "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo to help me with this when my younger daughter was born and it worked great! She fell into a routine very quickly and it allowed me to take care of my older daughter and myself because our schedule was pretty predictable. My husband was working out of town at that time, so for the first 3 months of baby #2's life, I was allll alone. It was so hard. Scheduling baby's feedings made life WAY easier and it led her to sleep through the night pretty young.
I hope that helps - take care of yourself! If you get sick, who will care for your little ones? You have to put yourself first and then you'll be better able to care for your kids! Hang in there!
Contact the Healthy Start program, I'm not sure exactly how it works in MIchigan but in Florida they have counselors that will come to your house. This is a link to a directory - http://www.healthystartassoc.org/hswdir4.html
I'm bipolar and had a HORRIBLE time after I had my son and if there is one thing I kick myself for looking back it's not getting help sooner and not being honest with myself or others about how terrible I felt. I would cry every morning when my husband would leave for work and then cry all day long when I was alone with my son because I felt like I couldn't do anything right. The sooner you get the help the sooner you'll feel better and YOU CLEARLY AREN'T A CRAPPY MOM BECAUSE IF YOU WERE YOU WOULDN'T CARE. Just the fact that you care about how this is affecting your children means YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. You're just having a really hard time. Do you have any friends that can maybe help you out? Would your MIL and SIL help. Sometimes people really want to help but don't know how to bring it up and sometimes when you think people are being critical it's really just the noise inside your own head. At least that's what I've found. GOOD LUCK.
D., breathe! It's going to be ok. I got a little teary eyed reading your story. Talk to your family doctor ASAP. If you are going Friday that's wonderful. If it makes things easier print out your story and let the doctor read it. Personally I got all choked up when I tried to tell my doc how I was feeling. Whatever is best for you but you need to talk to someone. If you don't get the answers from your doctor send me a message and I'll give you the name of my doctor who is in Clinton Twp, she is wonderful. You need to take some time for yourself each day even if it is just 15 minutes. Your hubby can watch the kids for a bit so you can have some 'me' time. Go into a quiet room and just relax during that time. I know easier said than done but it really does help. Maybe try to get on a schedule? Does the baby nap at all when your son gets home from school? If so maybe you can plan some one on one time with him each day while the baby sleeps. Again, ask for doctor for suggestions on time management with the kids. Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Well i have 2 week old so ikinda in the same boat. When I feel I am being hard on my two or 5 year old or the older ones. I just step back Breath and than try to change my situation so if there upsetting me i take a deep breath and say hey why dont you help me with the baby can you get me this or that for the baby or can you do this for mom. Mom needs more water. Or hve them bring a book or toyhey want to play with. I am breastfeeding supplementing and when I feed it could be an hr so I make sure the ones in diapers are changed i have snack and drink and than they are watching what they like on tv and if ty come y than I have them do something to either help or with them. So as the baby is eating I can read a book play a game or with a toy. Sometime we just talk about the baby or how the day went in school. I also sometimes appologize for my mean behavor and we discuss what is not only expected from me but from them. let them know the can't be load and rough. when I am done feeding I let them hold or play on the floor with the baby.
You are doing great. Call your OB nurse today. Talk to your endocrinologist on Friday. Yes, you will probably get a lecture about your sugar, but make sure you tell him/her how out of control you are feeling. They should be able to help.
Make sure you get the help you need, and DO NOT listen to anyone who cannot be positive with you. This is not because you are a bad person/mother. We can already see what a great mother you are for even asking about this. Think of it this way: your job is to take care of those kids. You cannot do that well when you are feeling this way. It is now your first priority to get yourself feeling better--for the kids/yourself/your family. This is not selfish or indulgent. It is a necessity for all of you. It is the best thing you can do for all of you! Best wishes to you and your family!
hmm. maybe you need more help in your life. it will get easier as your yungest get older! it also helps if your 5 year old is obedient and disciplined!! maybe you should work on your oldest son...i know he can be a big help to you...having him obey you and he can throw things away for you, get you some things. clean up his room...little things. having two kids is probably hard...but it will get better!! dont give up!
Enlist your MIL and SIL or a friend to help you immediately. Take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone else! Being overwhelmed is normal! Referring to your kids as"mean" anything ....is just well, mean! Try to lighten up on yourself, your 5 year old acts out to get your attention, he misses you while at school too, he wants reassurance that you love him as much as the baby....that he sees as getting all of your attention while he's at school. IMO! I wish you well. If I knew you I would offer to babysit to give you a break.
You are so not alone!!! I am 25yrs old, my daughter is 18mths old and I am expecting our second child in Dec. After our daughter was born I started having anxiety problems and with that came bad like day dreams. They were not as if I was harming our daughter but more like I was watching something happen to her and couldnt rescue her or stop it. I am a very strong willed person and have never let anyone see if something was bothersome to me. I let this go on till our daughter was 4mths old and one Sunday night my husband found me in the bathroom floor crying and shaking so terribly I thought I was gonna crawl out of my own skin. It was then that I realized whatever was happening to me I could no longer swallow by myself and smile and continue with my day alone!!! I thought that if called my OB ( I dont have a family Dr either) & explained everything they would thinkI was crazy-like those women on T.V.- and they would take my daughter away from me. That wasnt at all how it went! She had me come in the next morning and gave some prozac- that made it worse forme, it wont everyone it just wasnt the one for me. After taking it for a week my husban and I returned to her office and I was ready to admit myself! She sent me to a psychologist who put me on Zoloft and a emergency something else for when my anxiety attacks started. I have been fine but it took like 8mths for me to trust myself alone with our daughter without going into anxiety attacks. Meanwhile I have a wonderful supportive husband but other than that nothing! My family is not the emotional helpful understanding type-they r where I learned the suck it up n move on attitude! My husbands family is states away, so the only thing I had to fall back on was my mother who just recently got divorced for the 5th time and who I was NOT raised by. It took everything I had to call her and be strong n not sound weak to ask her to come stay with us for a while. I could not be in the same room or hear my daughter cry without having anxiety attacks, I needed help any way I could get it. Our daughter was a wonderfull baby never fussy, slept through the night and was so playful and calm. Which was why I couldnt understand what my deal was, I have been around cholic babies and just fussy babies and she wasnt neither. I slept upstairs for about 2wks by myself. In trying to find the right doses, meds for me I even had suicidal thoughts! I had never heard of this kind of PPD. It was my fault for not seeking help when it started but I just figured it was something I could control like I did everything else! Dont wait, call your OB!!!! It is hormones not you! When this all started I went in and had my OB place an IUD in me cause I swore I was never getting prego again!!! After a year of therapy and meds I was ready to try again, Stopped my meds in Jan n had my IUD taken out. Two days after my first like real monthly and the end of Feb I had my first anxiety attack n then started to get depressed again! I immediatly told my husband n then said "K, Till I get back to the Dr dont even think about touching me!!" LOL! Well I went back intosee her and found out I was a few weeks pregnant!!! As I then started to put everything together and talking with some other moms with similar issues I am begining to think that I may have a true hormonal imbalance. My OB is in disagreeance with me n wants me to continue with my meds since Zoloft is safe during pregnancy. My plan is to have this child and after 6mths to a year I am going to see a specialist on hormones n see if there is something more natural I can take-like hormone replacements- instead of anxiety and depression meds! I dont know why I just would feel better about myself knowing I take hormones-VS-depression meds!! Althoug Ihave done alot of research n it is not as common with people in my age group it is possible, n if u knew me I am the so called 1% out 100%!! Bottom line is you r not alone there is help! I have never been of any religion and I needed to ind something for my daughter n I to do together n I found that our local church has a Mommy n Me play group that meets twice a month. We have been attending that and church regularly and weboth have meade so many friends and it is amazing how many women go through this and just having someone like them to relate to n talk to is awesome. This way when u r having a bad day-yes they still come- you have someone to talk you up n let you know its all gonna be okay!!!! there r books you can read to help u understand that this is not just happening to you, a book I loved was Down Came The Rain by Brooke Sheilds. The book related to me like I was writing it myself although u do always have to keep in mind that there more than likely is someone out there whos had it worse than u because I had to stop reading it at the end. I read the book aloud to my husband because I wanted him to still love me for the one he married and not be frightened of who I had become. At the end she shared stories of other women and some of them where a little too scary for me so I had to stop, but other than that it was wonderful!! Also knowing that something like this can happen to a "Celebrity" just seemed to help me not feel so abnormal, KUDOS to Brooke for speaking out about some a common but non-spoken issue! Hope everthing everyone here helps you!!!
