Possibly in a Rut

Hi! I became a stay-at-home mom about 2 years ago. It's tough some days, but I think in the end it is worth the time and memories with the kids. They grow up so fast!

As far as a routine goes, I really don't have one except for the one my 7 month old is on. My husband works in the mortgage business and he is gone everyday from 8am until 8 or 9 pm. So, I feel you on the issue of wanting to spend quality time with him. My husband will come home and just want to unwind by watching TV. It's hard to get him to pay attention to me sometimes, but I know that he is working so hard so that I don't have to. So I let him have his space. We try to go places or just do something together around the house on the weekends, since the weekdays really don't leave us with much family time at all.

I don't know how old your children are, but I have my daughter help with all of the housework and yardwork so that on the weekends, nobody has to do anything. It wasn't always this way, but I found that if it meant I could get my husband to spend time with us, I was willing to do it.

Anyway, that's my story. Don't feel alone in this department! But as for routines, you could try to schedule things that you need to get done throughout the week, I use a daily planner. That way, what I don't get done one day, I move to the next day. Life is too short to stress about what gets done and what doesn't. The main thing is to enjoy life and your kids. Just remember to schedule play time everyday!

One more thing, have lunch with friends regularly. That helps me to stay in touch with my friends who work outisde the home!

Dear N.,

No, you are not in a rut, you were right, you just haven't adjusted yet to a routine. or schedule. Maybe you could start to plan to work only part time. You can figure it out, I didn't notice how old the children are.

This is complicated, I just want to be a catalyst for you so that you can start making plans - you know how women like to make plans. In church the other day the minister said something like 'people make many plans, and God makes the decisions', that isn't exactly correct word by word, but you can see how it works. Go ahead, dream, then think it over, your husband is probably right you like to think.

You can love your children to the ends of the earth, and also work part time.

Then there is your husband. Well, you are a thinker, and he is a quiet person too. If his work is demanding, then the yard work is a very nice rest for him, and he is still doing something for the family. Coming from a demanding job to a demanding family is quite a challenge, so give him a chance to adjust too. Start bringing him a refreshing light snack or drink when he is doing the yard work or watching tv. That will say to him that you value him in his sort of recuperation from the day .

If your children are preschool, then make sure that you do something every single day that will make their day special - I did that when my children were young, and surprisingly they told me when they were adults that they noticed that. Park playgrounds are a wonderful place to have them play and you can get to know the other mothers and caregivers. I experienced that when I took my gr grandchildren to the park. I notice lots of mommies and children going for walks too. Good exercise for you and good chance for them to just see the world. Choose a different part of your area so that they can see things. Go for a city bus ride with them. Laugh a lot when they do things wrong or goofy, and get a part time job. Go back to your old boss and ask if there is a part time place for you - after all you are trained in the work they do there and how they like it done.

You can do it and be happy and be a mom and a wife and laugh some more. Do it your way. You have a long way to go and it might as well be satisfying.

Sincerely, C. N.

I can relate to some degree with you. I am a stay at home mama, as well, and there are times I feel as if I am suffering from cabin fever. I do have a (loose) routine, but still, I am at home for 90% of the week. When my husband has his weekend, I want OUT... I want to GO somewhere.. ANYwhere.. do ANYthing. However, my wonderful man wants to just kick it at home.. do home stuff or just veg for the majority of the weekend. I have no advice.. just wanted to let you know that I know a bit of what you're feeling! Hang in there... they say it gets easier to coax your man out of his weekend caves! ehehheh

I work F/T, so when I get home with baby we are on a tight schedule. When my hubby is home, he likes to wreck that schedule with things he wants to do. I override his choices and his feelings are sometimes hurt.

As far as your hubby feeling you are thinking too much, keep in mind, me don't like to talk in general. They often do not discuss things that are bothering them and therefore are often annoyed with us girls when we want to talk. It is just something you have to get through. In our home, it took a long time to understand and accept that.

I can relate to both of you. My kids are now 16 & 17 1/2 and it has not changed. What I have done is started my own Business. This is something that makes me feel great about myself. My kids have always loved to help me with different things with the Business and you would never beleive this but my husband does too, sometimes. So it has made a bit of difference. I can be that stay at home mom, interact with others, make $ and be not in a rut. If either of you have questions or would like to check this out call me at ###-###-####, Pam

Dear N.,

God bless you for being such a loving and caring mother and wife. As we all know, it is not easy. Try to give yourself some credit and breathing room. You've been doing one thing for ten years and now you're two months down the road transitioning into doing a million things with little or no adult support/interaction. What a change!
A routine is good. I think of it as a rhythm, like a dance, and you are the first one out on that floor and trying to get everyone to join you and dance the same steps-tricky!
When my husband comes home, I try to give him some space to decompress from the stresses of work, which is very hard because I'm stressed out and want relief and have so many issues to talk about and there are so many things that need to be done around the house. My Mom used to give my Dad a backrub when he came home from work and that worked for them.
As far as the weekends, I've found that I've got to be the planner of activites and then I have to sell the idea to my husband. Sometimes he buys, sometimes he doesn't. Either way, I tell myself that I'm in charge of my own good time and try to be understanding to him eventhough I may not completely understand.
Hang in there and chin up. Try and think happy thoughts and count your blessings since you're thinking a lot. Hope this helps.
Wishing you all the best,
C. :)

I feel the same way. My husband works alot and I am alone with 3 kids all the time. Then on the weekends he always ends up doing yardwork, or the car or something where he is alone and yet again I am inside with 3 kids. I dont really have any advice, just wanted to let you know your not alone and I will be interested to see what advice you do get.

Hi N., thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, I can't really give you advice. I have recently handed in my resignation and are planning to stay home for a few years to take care of my 15 month old son. We used to hire a nanny to take of him while I was at work, but I feel that the nanny is not able to teach him the value that my husband and I would have and she doesn't discipline him the way we would have. As my job is becoming more and more demanding and I am spending less and less time with my son, I feel very worried about my son's well being (as a person). Therefore, I decided to stay home. I needed to give my company a three month notice, so I am stil working currently. I completely understand your situation; in fact, it is my biggest fear. I told my husband that if I am not happy at home, I will go back to the workforce (obviously, he prefers me staying home). I hope this condition will help in terms of making him more sensitive to my well-being. I do believe if we want our kid happy, we ourselves need to be happy also.
Hope things will get better soon.

so you are asking about a couple of things. with respect to having a routine... it does help, but i have also learned that i have to be flexible. because when i am not flexible and something happens that i can't stay on my routine, i get cranky! it's not fun for anyone when i am like that. i found some play groups in my area on meetup.com that i attend and that gets me out talking to other stay at home moms. it also gets my little ones the interactions they need. here is our routine, sort of... they wake up around 6:30am and play in their room for a bit, drink a milk cup while i get breakfast ready. and eat breakfast. at the table we read or scriptures and do family prayer. hubbie goes to work and the girls go play in their playroom while i get us ready for an outing. we go out to do something (the park, a playdate, or something) from about 9am to about 11am most days. we come home, they have lunch and i lay them down for a nap around 12:30p. when they wake up, depending on the week, we go pick up their cousins from school and i watch them for a couple hours, or we go for a walk, to play at grandma and grandpa's until about 5 ish when we have dinner. at 6:30ish they get a bath, have another milk cup and play until bedtime. we do prayers and they are in bed at 7:30pm. my twins are 19 months, so they go to bed early. hubbie works long hours so he spends time with the girls in the morning. he doesn't get home until 7:30p most nights. he doesn't see them before bedtime, this makes it harder for them to settle down and go to sleep. after i am done with getting them down, i spend about an hour cleaning up the playroom, diningroom and kitchen. then!!! i spend time with hubbie. weekends are another story. saturday we reserve for spending time together as a family. so whatever we are doing we do it all together, except once a month when hubbie and i go off by ourselves and my parents watch the girls for a couple of hours. sunday's are church days and we usually have a sunday dinner of some sort with family and friends. hope this helps to know someone else does it. i know that it helped me to know that others struggle with the same things i do. enjoy your time home with them!!!

I have been in practically the same situation. I am currently a SAHM after working for the past 13 years! Like the others said, some days are harder than others and yes, you have to get into a routine. I am so looking forward to school starting! When my husband gets home all he wants to do is watch "the game" or play video games. Drives me crazy!

Like some of the others, I became a representative for Noah's Ark and Simply Fun. Direct sales is something I never imagined myself doing. The two companies have enabled me to focus on something for myself and having joined several direct sales groups, I have met a whole network of new friends in the same situation as me. It's nice to get together with the girls to brainstorm about growing our businesses and have the kids all playing in the other room.

Staying home is definitely an adjustment and it really helps to get out there and meet other moms in your situation and to find something that you can focus on to feel good about yourself.

Dear N.,

Your situation about feeling isolated now that you're not working was a problem for me as well. As soon as my husband would get home I wanted to hear EVERYTHING! Who did he talk to? What did he have for lunch? Specific things about people in his office. He was my only source of connecting to the "real world". We got through it, but it WAS difficult. It sounds to me that you could use a good anti-depressant, as could your husband. They really help a lot, when you finally get the one that is right for you.

Your hubby sounds as if it is all too much for him right now. He;s isolating himslf from his family (big sign of depression). I believe you should 1) speak to your respective Dr.s and find a medication that works. 2) adjust your life so that you can be out in the world a bit, classes, mommy groups...hobbies can help too, and 3)don't beat yourself up about getting nothing done. I finally had to resort to daycare i n my home when my child was about 3. We needed the income. While, not an easy job, far from it, but it helped me speak to "outsiders" and the kids kept me too busy to think. What helped me was when I would get up in the mornings, I would not make any plans to get anything done. I felt my job as a mom and daycare provider is all I really needed to get done. Once you don't expect to get anything done the burden is lifted. I would talk it over with hubby, explain that the house WILL be a mess, the laundry WILL NOT get done while I'm "working"...people think that we're lucky to be stay home moms. I wouldn't call it lucky. It is the most important job you will ever have and believe it or not, it goes so quickly! Don't put so many requirements on yourself! And please talk with your doctor, I can't stress enough how awful it is to take care of a small child and try to care for your husband and the house. These medications are not addictive, nor do they give you a "high", they just even you out so you can have a normal day -- ups and downs included. You are expecting too much of yourself and if you don't change the way you look at things you will burn out and your children will suffer. If it still seems oveerwhelming they say it is good for a child to be in daycare with other adults and kids. Helps acclimate them to the world.
Maybe returning to your outside job would be the answer. Try not to listen to all the "shoulds" in there. Do what you feel is the right thing. But believe me N., you are not alone!!!! Please let me know how things are going! My e-mail is ____@____.com. I hope to hear from you, even if all you do is rant. We all need a good rant every now and then! Good luck to you.

V.

Hi N.,

I actually do Passion Parties, and it is great because I can still spend all day with my 6 month old. I make my own schedule and get paid really well. if you want more information let me know.

Making a set schedule takes time, but you just need to work on it. Make set times for each thing you want to schedule. For example
dinner: 7:00 ( and have a window, so have it done by 6:45- 7:30 no later)

When my husband comes home he relaxes too. I give him a little while and then we have family time. I try to let him watch the baby while I cook dinner. And we plan a movie or something. On the weekends try letting him pic one day to relax and do chores and another day to spend with the family doing something outside.

Good Luck,

S.
###-###-####
____@____.com

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((¸¸.•´ ..•´ Everytime I go to work -:¦:- ((¸¸.•´*
-:¦:- ((¸¸.•´* I end up at a party -:¦:-

Get PAID to PARTY...
ask me how to earn $1000 in less than 15 hours

Okay, so here is my advice to you. You definitely need to establish some sort of routine. This doesn't mean that you can't sway from the routine in order to get something else accomplished that's not on "the list". What it means is that you have a certain set of "to do's" for each day. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but this means that wake up, breakfast, lunch, nap, dinner should all be around the same time each day. Not only does it make your day easier to plan out, but it makes their lives more structured and they have comfort in knowing what comes next in their lives. Kids need this sense of security. I work full time, but we still have a routine at my house. My husband is the same as yours. He likes to come home and either relax for a little while, or go work on one of his projects (bike, yard, cabinetry, etc.) I have realized that the best way of us getting along is to let him do these things. He works hard everyday too, and when you get home from work, all you want is a little down time (especially men). They don't really respond well to demands right as they come in the door. Take that time to cook dinner or get something else accomplished with your children (homework, room cleaning, anything to keep their hands and minds occupied). Once you have given him his time to relax, demand some "you time". Go get your nails done, hair done, go to the gym, find a mom's group, go out to drinks with a friend, start a band, do SOMETHING that is YOURS and yours alone. Use the weekends to plan out new outings, take the kids to the park, get away for the weekend, go to a concert, check out your local museum....anything to get away from the "routine" of it all...or you just might go crazy. It's okay to ask for that time away...you can't be home 24/7, and if you talk to your husband about it and communicate how you're feeling he should agree with you and even encourage you to get out and do things in order to make your life, and therefore his life, happier and healthier. :) Hope this helps.

I am starting the same possible rut with minor variation. I went part time at my job in January after the birth of my son and as of this last week I had to quit even part time as my husband couldn't handle the kids. I have always enjoyed working and am afraid of the rut and being stuck in the house. I started a routine until I became pregnant. I made a chore chart for myself with velcro tabs and days of the week so I could change my routine around as I saw the need. This was working great for me until the pregnancy. Now I am out of the routine as I take each day as it comes tired achy what have you. A routine definitly helps you feel accomplished and I've decided sometimes those chores will have to get done after hubby gets home. My husband tends to play with the kid right when he gets home. Sometimes he will get on the computer and sometimes (rarely he will sit down and watch TV. If the TV is not home when he gets home he will usually not turn it on, and my 2 year old is so engaging with her love of Daddy that it is hard for him to escape it. I have talked to him about needing my own time and space if I am to be a stay at home mom. He is going to have to take care of the kids and give me time to scrapbook or read or something that kids arent climbing all over me. It is important and tell your husband that. I will become depressed I know. I will also be looking for some mommy groups after the baby comes, I only have 6 weeks or so left and that way I will get myself out during the day!! Like I said if your husband is not getting it you are going to have to make it more clear to him for your health!! :) Being a stay at home mom is demanding emotionally and mentally. It's not fun and games(well sometimes it is but most of the time no! It is hard demanding work!

N.,

I know how you feel - I am a first time mom with a 6 month old and have very conflicting feelings about staying at home vs returning to work. I had a job that I loved before I got pregnant but feel selfish for wanting to go back while at the same time feeling like my new job is to take care of my son. My husband is currently going to school for his masters and has a pretty demanding workload. When he gets home, he needs a few minutes of downtime, but I need him to take the baby so I can have a break. This is what is working for us (it took about 5 months to get on a schedule, so don't worry that you haven't found your grove yet) - (1) the baby is on a schedule now and I use his schedule to plan my day. I always factor in some break time (just watching the TV or playing on the computer) With one this is probably a bit easier than with 3, I know. I try to do at least one chore a day (laundry/vacumming/ect) that normally would be done on the weekend. When Rick gets home, he spends a few hours with us until after dinner, then he works on homework. Friday and Saturday are family time days - Sunday he uses to work on homework. I have decided to go back to work parttime, but since we are able to afford for me to stay at home, I did not compromise on what type of job I wanted. I only looked for one that would be fullfilling and work with the schedule I needed. Alex will go to daycare parttime in the mornings and I will have the rest of the day with him. I you are able to work things out. Good Luck!

Oh I know what you mean. I was able to stay home for two years when my boys were younger...and it drove me nuts. I was used to being productive at work. I had an organized schedule...checked emails first, QA'd the reps second..etc. I always knew what I was going to do next. Unfortunatly, I've found out, raising children isn't that organized. Even feeding them lunch at a specific time is really hard. Remember, daycares are able to do it because there are more than one of them...and more often then not the kids bring their own lunch...lol.

I'd suggest making sure you at least stick to a routine wake up time and bed time. When you were working, your children had a certain time to get up in order to be out the door on time. Stick to it. It helps in getting them to bed on time too.

Getting frustrated and wanting a change, at least for me was because I felt unappreciated. I felt I gave up so much staying at home. I'm trying to live within a smaller budget, I don't get any breaks...I just wanted to be acknowledged !!

It took some time, but I figured out I needed some me time. Time to get out of the house by myself and have some adult conversation. I started a Passion Parties business. I'm able to get away once or twice a week, take part in a "Girls Night" and get paid for it. Passion Parties may not be your answer, but try to find something you can enjoy...take a class, work somewhere one day a week...etc. That company just happened to work for me because I can use the excuse of leaving to make money and the parties were at night so my husband could watch the kids.

I wish you well and hope things get better soon.