Playdate??? - Petaluma,CA

Talk to the other mom. Tell her that the boys are great friends and enjoy spending time together but you don't allow your son to explore on his own because he is not as mature in that regard and needs more supervision than her son does (even if he is, this lets you approach it as what you and your son need rather than judging her parenting style). Ask if she could keep a closer eye on him to make you a bit more comfortable. If she doesn't agree or does not follow through then you just explain it in simple terms to your son.

Hi M.,

I can relate to your problem. I am amazed at how comfortable other parents seem to be about letting their children play for many hours without supervision and only vaguely knowing where they "should be".

When I was your child's age, I walked and biked all over the town. I am sad about it, but I just don't feel it's safe to allow my kids that freedom. Some people think I am overprotective but I know where my kids are and know that they are safe .As a parent, I believe that is my job. I will teach them to deal with the real world in little steps as they are ready. I am willing to put out the effort, (and it is a lot of effort), to provide the extra supervision even though it would be a LOT easier to be like so many other parents whose kids are out playing and they can get on with their business.

My son is just 9. He has a friend who, when at their house, is allowed to play outside on his own and walk to the park and creek near their house. As long as they tell their parents where they are going, they are allowed to be gone for hours. I have told my children that they are not allowed to do that. I had previously told the parents that I am just not ready to let my kids go unsupervised and made myself out to be the one with a hang up even though I believe I'm just being sensible. One day, I went to their house to pick up my son and his friend's mom was sitting outside her house, likely supervising my son because they wanted to be outside and she knows my rules. The boys were laying face down on skateboards and, from 2 (short) blocks away, pushing themselves off and riding down the street back to the friend's house. I was horrified! They actually had to cross a road doing that. It is a fairly quiet neighborhood but a car could easily run them right over by not even seeing them fly by. They were being "supervised" but doing something so dangerous! I have explained to my son why I will not allow him to do that ever again. My kids don't get invited there as much because the kids have to be trapped in their house now when my kids are there and no one likes that. I have friends over here and everyone is happy. We bought a house that is small but has a huge backyard especially for this reason. My kids can have all sorts of adventures out there and I can know they are safe. They climb trees, make forts, play with the dog, create inventions, hide and seek, and have all sorts of other fun but they are not going to be hit by cars or approached by strangers.

I have been feeling guilty that my kids have not had some of the adventures I had as a kid. I used to play for hours in a creek in my neighborhood alone. My son wanted to go to the creek near our house so I took a friend of his and him there to explore. I brought a book and sat off alone under a tree to let them play without mommy being in their way. They found a rope swing and my son, showing off, immediately flew across the creek on the rope swing and it was too fast and he wasn't watching where he was going so he slammed into the creek wall when the rope returned to where he had started from. He had a very strange look on his face and made some unusual sounds then staggered into the creek and fell into the water face down. I thought he may be playing but he didn't get up so I ran over to him and pulled him out. He was unconscious and pulling him out made him start to come to. His face was covered in mud and he stared at me blankly. He had no idea what had just happened. In a few minutes, he was fine and back on the swing being much more careful. I sat there stunned knowing that if I hadn't been there to pull him out, he would have drowned. His friend is a sweet, gentle boy who had just stood by as he didn't know what to do. He may have tried to help my son had I not been there, but not sure if he could lift him and if he would have reacted in time. My son is pretty mature and responsible most times, but he's still a foolish kid and needs more guidance before he can be let off the reigns entirely.

Sorry to have gone on but my point is, tell the parents that you are just a worrier and you don't let your son play unsupervised yet. See how the parents react and if they don't "get it", then just invite the friend to your house all the time. Don't be afraid to offend or be embarrassed. I know you'd rather that than a call from them saying he's in the hospital after being hit by a car or worse. Good luck and stand strong!

I agree--invite the child to your house only if you're uncomfortable. Just tell your son that you don't think jimmy's parents supervise them enough when he's there. At 8, he can understand that.

Well your son is 8 years old.
My daughter is 7 years old... and if that were our situation, I would simply explain to my daughter, "why".... I don't feel comfortable with her going over there. That is what I have done before. I don't see why I have to sugar-coat anything to my daughter, when it comes to her safety or play-dates or what not.
My daughter would understand and does understand.
I would also mention it to the parent.
AND... I would NOT have my daughter go to a place, in which the kids are NOT supervised.
Nuff said.

all the best,
Susan

I know what you mean. We live out in the country and our son stays in our yard or goes next door to play with the neighbors dog (they really appreciate it - their dog is high energy and they need all the help they can get to tire her out).
When I was growing up, it seemed I could ride my bike anywhere up and down our block and it was just what everyone did. It was a very quiet street and everyone played in it (and got out of the way when cars went past). We'd even set up portable net goals in the street and play street hockey. All the neighbors knew everyone's kids and they all had each others phone numbers so they could call and tell when kids had to go home. ("Hey Bobby! Your Mom called and she wants you home now!")
Tell your son, and his friends parents that you don't want him wearing out his welcome, so you'd like the kids to play at your house more often.

It is a fine line. Your son is 8. How old should he be to play in the park? or go down the street? or whatever? How comfortable are you? If you shelter him too much he will not be equipped for adulthood but if you are too loose with him he can get exposed to anything and everything. Ultimately and especially with our boys you have to figure out ways to encourage them toward independance and courageous living because they will have to be very resourceful to support a family and win a girls heart. However there will be different rules for the different kids in your house based on their level of maturity.

As parents we all need to learn how to let go and let God. It is not easy and it won't mean the same thing for each kid in the house. I could let my son go to the corner store by himself when he was 6 and he would cross the street and go and I would secretly watch him from the window. He is exceptional at math and would always tell the clerk when he didn't receive the correct change and respectfully request the correct change. They were always amazed at this little guys math skills.

My son just turned 16 today and has had some terrible experiences that come with being so fiercely independent and disobedient but he has learned from them and will be excellently prepared for life as an adult.

Have them over your house more or limit his visits at their home to 30-45 minutes if you can. I prefer my son's friends at my house. Give me a chance to know what kinds of friends he is choosing and how they are treating each other along with all kinds of other things. Perhaps if you all are still living over there 2 years from you you will feel more comfortable with him having more freedom. I hope this helps.

This is one of those awkward times as a parent when you just have to be honest with your son. Tell him that the rules at his friend's house are different than at your house, and he can't play at a house that has those rules. If a parent wants an explanation, give it to her.

There have been many times where I have had to explain to my 6 year old that, "Even though your friends parents allow them to do this, I'm not comfortable with allowing you to do it." After I go into a bit more detail with her as to the reasons, she is okay with it. She just knows that's the way it's going to be. It doesn't have to turn into something huge. Yes, some parents definitely are quite lax. Do you like these parents otherwise? Are they friends of yours? Could you hang out there with the other mom while the kids play? Perhaps the kids can play at your house or you and the other mom could take them somewhere together. Just some suggestions that might help. Good luck!

Dear M.,
He is 8 years old. I think at that age playing on the street should slowly be introduced... But because he doesn't do it at home is is much less familiar with it than the other parents children. Maybe you could go over there and simply talk to her about it. It is not like it's an unfamiliar problem to any parent... Maybe playing on the side walk is o.k. for you. Maybe playing roll-hockey in a court too. Maybe her neighbourhood is busy when people return from work and for a long time I didn't want my kids to play outside then. Maybe you are fine with them playing if she is working in her yard out front. But because traffic is a fact of life kids have to learn to life with it sooner or alter. And eight seams just about right for me. That doesn't mean I would let my kids play anywhere, but it means I tell them what they are allowed to do and wht not. And please speak to the parent. Good luck.A.

You need to feel comfortable where you are sending your child at all times. If you have any hesitation about sending him to that friends house, then don't! Invite the friend over to your house. Wait for a rainy day to send him to his friends, this way they will be inside (or at least make sure they will be inside). When I lived in California, I was the only parent on our street who would drag a chair to the end of our driveway to watch my girls play and ride their bikes. There was never another parent out there. There were a lot of kids on our block, and I just did not understand the though process of the parents not keeping an eye out for their children.

Best of luck!