Hi ladies,
I need some help with my husband's behavior. I just don't feel like we are on the same team lately. I am so annoyed by every little thing. Today it was leaving an empty bottle 1 foot away from the recycle bin, leaving the mailbox top open to get rain or snow inside which wrecks our mail. It is frequently little things. I just spilled his coffee all over the table and inside the remotes. He just stood there staring at me while I frantically tried to stop the liquid spread. I had to ask him to help, and when he finally brought paper towels, he just stared at me again. This is just today. Every day for weeks now we fight. We apologize. We fight. It is a terrible cycle. I am shouting and annoyed most of the time. He is picking at me or feeling bad. How can we make this stop?
Thanks.
So, I think I just needed to vent. After that, and hearing that others are going through these same things right now, I just relaxed and tried to be more understanding. He also is trying a little harder, and I just need to accept that I need to ask for him to do things. He will when asked. I need to accept that he simply doesn't 'see' the mess that I see. We are getting along much better.
In answer to others questions, we don't have children yet (soon), and we have been married for 2.5 years, but living together for 14 years. Work is stressful for me right now, and we are both stressed by an upcoming move to an unknown destination. Everything will become clear soon, and I just needed to feel that we are on the same team. Thanks for all the input.
My husband and I have been on the same path lately...so tonight we took the kids cosmic bowling to get out and have fun as a family. It helped big time! Just getting that good, fun time with all of us was priceless. It comes and goes...but don't let everything get to you. You married him for a reason - so let some of the things go :).
I would just be honost with him and maybe you two should go on a little vacation to sprice up some romance. Best of luck to you
it takes two to tango. dont play the game. when little things are bothering you it usually means something bigger is bothering you. that is the one you need to talk about and get over.
Oh....yeah.....I know right where you are.
It seems that a few weeks after motherhood, women turn into supersonic multi-taskers and the dads....yeah....not so much.
If we weren't like that before, we quickly become masters of thinking ahead (how many diapers for a 27 mi trip to Grams house?), planning for the worst (extra rubber pants, underwear AND jeans, all size 3T in trunk at all times), and making life easier (I'll just make that bottle now so at 2:00 a.m., it will be ready)....sound familiar? And we have the husbands that load the kid into the car to go get a football player's autograph at a store, in Pittsburgh, In December, where it's 10 degrees and FORGETS the kid's coat! (That would be my better half-lol)
There are still several items (9 x 13 glass Pyrex casserole, a white glass salad serving bowl, and a few more things) that my husband has NO idea where they "go"! We have lived in this house for 13 years and I use these items at least once per week. Helllllooooooooo?
As for how to break the cycle--read some "to My husband" valentines, remember WHY you married him. Let him be your hero sometimes. AND learn to let some things go. Really let them go.
I know for me, when every little thing my husband does annoys me, it's because of a bigger picture, that we need to talk about, he's the greatest guy in the world, but he's still a guy, and says and does dumb things sometimes. Sit down and talk before this stuff goes any furthur. My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years, and we talk everything out. J.
Updated
I know for me, when every little thing my husband does annoys me, it's because of a bigger picture, that we need to talk about, he's the greatest guy in the world, but he's still a guy, and says and does dumb things sometimes. Sit down and talk before this stuff goes any furthur. My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years, and we talk everything out. J.
have you considered maybe it's not just his behavior, but both of you? you sound unhappy. i'm sorry. maybe you two could spend some quality time together reconnecting and rediscovering that "spark". is a weekend away (or even at home without kids) an option? date night? could you take the first step, and after the kids are in bed put on a little nighty and call him into the bedroom? one of you will have to take the first step. it's hard to do that when you're mad, but it is worth it. i have found that if you take just a couple little tiny steps (not spouting off when he irks you, finding something nice to say for no reason at all), it often leads to less tension and resentment. good luck!
Usually if there is a larger problem going on, we nitpic on the small things. It doesn't make it any less distructive to be irratated about the leaving the bottle by the bin instead of in then it is to explore and face what the bigger problem is... easier said then done isn't it? I have been irratated by everything my husband has done lately, he can't walk in a room without getting on my nerve. I do know what is bothering me though, what the big thing is, we lost our son and as they say, you do take it out on those you love, so I get irratated at small things so I don't have to talk about how I feel about our lost. It doesn't have to be something that major, it could be something like his buying something that you didn't think he should. It could be money trouble or trouble at your job or his. Look at the big picture and see if that helps but always remember, it does get better if you work at it and not let it fester. Now for me to follow my own advice....
Good luck.
I think all married couples have these feelings after a while. We are just different people who do things different ways, and once the newlywed romantic stuff has worn off, we have to learn to actually LOVE as a verb, not just feel the mushy romantic feelings of newness.
I too am having these feelings lately, I feel like I am giving 80% at home and he is only giving 20%. He changes maybe 2 diapers a weekend, and might cook one or two meals a week, which are good things, but I just feel like he used to do so much more. BUT I also know like another said, in the sex department, he is probably feeling the same way I am in the household department....ever since having our second baby, I have just been exhausted, and that baby is 2 years old next weekend! I have gained weight and just don't "feel like it"...I try to make an effort, but I guess I need to try harder....but I feel like if he would try harder at th eother stuff, I wouldn't be so tired and might have more energy left for him at the end of the day.
I guess me and mine and you and yours need ot sit down and have a real talk about it.
Good Luck - Let us know wht you do!
Jessie
Wow I could have wrote this post!!! Mine puts the bottle on the counter, the bucket is below the bucket!!! drives me nuts. Honey , can you pick up YOUR own underwear off the bathroom floor and put it in the hamper. Everyday!!!! So now I am not touching it, he now has 3 pairs sitting in the corner. The hamper is on the other side. He will soon be commando! At least your husband got up to get the paper towels......mine would have asked where they are! MY husband went on a golfing trip in September, his suit case is still where he left it. On his side of the bed near the end. He has to walk around it to walk out of the room. It has clothes in it still. I refuse to touch it. From now on I will leave his stuff where he has left it. I do not say a word anymore. He will figure it out soon........I just left all his dishes he left for me on the kitchen table on his pillow.
Uh, counseling. This requires a professional.
I think you need to sit down together and have an open and honest discussion about both of your feelings. I imagine that he is also feeling uncomfortable with things. How old are your children? Is it possible that you are both feeling overwhelmed with the demands of parenthood, work, home, etc? Sometimes a lack of communication combined with everything going on in your lives, can create a lot of tension. I encourage you to sit down, talk about what you are feeling AND be a good listener with his feelings, and then put your arms around each other and hug. You have to start at a common point to be able to move forward.
Yeah, I don't know--sounds like he's maybe being careless or an airhead, but there are worse crimes. Is this really the kind of stuff you are fighting and shouting about? If that's it, I'd count my blessings if I were you. ;-)
I haven't figured out how to make it stop. What I can tell you is that just about every wife I know has the same complaints. It seems like many men lose brain cells every day they are married, and it is so frustrating! But then I realize that I am in no way perfect either, and my standards often don't allow for momentary lapses of reason, however many there are. We sometimes spoon-feed our spouses so much, they just learn to expect commands or for us to take care of everything. In couple's therapy, we defined my role as the foreman and my husband's as the grunt, and he expected me to give him step-by-step instructions and just failed to act for himself. It is,of course, totally dysfunctional. I struggle every day to phrase things in ways that are not patronizing or hurtful, but most effective so far is just breathing through it when he walks by the big pile of papers the kids just knocked onto the floor and letting the anger go. Its toxic. That's what I've got.
Sounds to me like you need him to be your boyfriend again. Go on a date, even if it is only in your family room. Have a one or two drinks, lots of laughs then have sex.
My husband does those little things that you mention too but I learned it is easier to let them go... Did you ever hear the saying you can be right or you can be happy? Choose to be happy;-)
It sounds like he is overwhelmed or something is on his mind??? You mention lately, so I am assuming this hasn't been the case all along. You don't mention how long you have been together, so it is hard to tell if it is something you should have known before marriage. Is he a mama's boy out in the big world? When my husband is tired he would just as well stand there and watch as I cleaned a mess too. He gets overwhelmed when he works too much and work gets too stressful.
Try to slow down and talk to him about what you are seeing. When I yell, I get no where, when I stop and ask if he is alright, he opens up.
Sounds like he's just being a guy! Mine is like that too...that or he likes to take over.
Are there other, larger things going on? Is this behavior new (within the last few months or?). Did he lose his job or get passed over for a promotion? If there larger issues, then it sounds like it's time to sit down and talk to him. If you don't know, but his behavior has changed, then it's time to sit down with him and let him know that you have noticed that there have been changes and you're concerned.
However, if this has been going for a while, it's time to sit down and talk to him about how stressed you are about the argument/apology cycle, and ask him to help you solve this issue.
