Personal - Family/Parenting/Stepdads?!??

N., your situation sounds a lot like mine. I was a single mother of two girls. I had been raising them alone for ten years when I met my husband their stepdad. My girls were 11 & 12 yrs when I met and started dating their stepdad. We have been married for 10yrs. However (stepdad moved in and we lived together for two yrs) before marriage. My girls know there bio dad and he is not in the picture due to his own choice. That being said, the best advise I can give you in this situation is this. You are THEIR mother. He (stepdad) is just that a stepdad. I know my husband was like yours. He never had any childern of his own and he is 8 yrs older than me. My girls called him by his first name. What worked for us is that at the beginning of our relationship I explained to my husband that if the girls needed discipline for anything that I was the one to dole it out. He could give me suggestions but ultimately the discipline would be up to me on how & when. The girls knew that he was in charge of things up to a point. They were never allowed to be disrespectful or play one of us aganist the other. Our plan was for him to call me at work or when I got home and tell me what had happened. Then we would discuss how to handle the situation. Usually (stepdad would be with me when I told the children what or how they were to be disciplined. He would occasionaly add his two cents. But, I was the ultimate authority. As the girls got older they became closer to stepdad. He was their friend. I was mother. The girls are 24 & 23 yrs old. They love him like a father. This is not to say he doesn't still give me unwanted advise but he knows that these were my children before he was in the picture. Also I think it was a good way to raise them since as your children know this is not their REAL dad. It doesn't matter to the children that REAL dad is a creep. They just know stepdad is not Real dad. However the goal here is not to make stepdad the bad one. But,it does go better for the children in case your relationship fails then the children won't resent you for letting someone else be the boss of them. Belive me I know how frustrating it is. The trick is to keep stepdad informed and let him be in the loop. Remember only you know what is best for YOUR kids. He may love them and they him however at their age they will know the difference between the way you discipline and the way he might. You don't won't something said to your kids in a moment of anger that would make a problem for you and your husband. You can't hand over owner ship to someone else especially since you have raised them for so long alone they Only know you as the true parent. We now have a grandson and guess who is Grandpa and the only Grandpa (Stepdad). So now here we go again with advise. LOL

Be careful BEFORE you get married. I would very strongly you and your fiance seek marriage counseling AND parenting classes. I am in a marriage where my husband is not my son's bioligical father. I had been a single parent for many years, as well. We have very different parenting styles. It has caused a lot of conflict in our marriage. Both of you need to have very clear expectations and ground rules. Since you are the one that has allowed your fiance to take on the "dad" role in your children's lives you cannot exclude him from stepping up to the plate. It seems(from what you have said) he feels this is a very important role for him to take on. This could be a positive and enriching situation for all of you, but you truly should go for extensive pre-marital counseling and parenting classes. If you don't see things eye to eye afterwards, I suggest you don't marry. Otherwise everyone will end up resenting each other. If you do come to agreements make sure you write them clearly and make sure the kids are aware of the expectations, limitations and role each person has in the new family unit. I would also suggest family counseling and ongoing parenting classes after the marriage. Sorry if I sound preachy, but I am more concerned about the children here than anything else, they should come first in this situation. If you would like to email me back you can or perhaps we call talk on the phone.

L.

N.,

I read your request and felt obligated to tell you, don't feel bad you are not alone! My situation is slightly different because we both have other children, but we still do not see eye to eye. I can tell you it is not an easy road to hoe, but there is help. After my husband and I realized that we were not doing any justcie for our children by constantly argueing over which parent was right we decided to seek counseling. I know you said that you think you should have the final word because you are their mother. Trust me I had those exact feelings, but had to realize the hard way that all I was really teaching my daughter wa that it did not matter what my husband said because she knew I ultimately had the final word. It has been a long process and I still struggle with it, but I am learning how to stay out of it when he disciplines. When I did not agree with him I was not only teaching my daughter that his word was not always validated, but I was creating resentment between the two of them. My husband and I have found a wonderful counselor that has really helped us. If you are interested I would be more than willing to pass her name on. She has really been teaching us how to come to agreements on the children, and how to compromise situations when we don't. Let me know if you would like her name or if maybe it would help for us to exchange ideas.

Nikki

How do the kids feel about your engagment? Also have you discussed with them the disciplinary issues coming from the soon to be stepdad?

I am in a vaguely similar situation myself. We're still in the dating phase but these are the same questions & concerns that come to mind when we talk about getting more serious. What we basically decided was that I would do the disciplining with my daughter and he would do the same with his kids. And I do agree with you on the issue of someone else telling me how to raise my child because I'm furiously independent.
Please let me know how the situation turns out because I felt like I was the only one w/ a similar situation.