People Noticing Daughters "Different" Hand

I think you're doing the absolute right thing! You were surprised when your daughter was born, it's only natural other people are surprised when they first see her hand too. But of course people can be stupid. They get flustered and don't know what to say and say the wrong thing sometimes. But they're just fallible people. When you explain this is the way it is and it's ok, they can take it or leave it. If they don't like your answer - tough! You just remain as polite as you are. Your daughter needs a healthy sense of knowing there is something different about her but it's ok. You sound like you're well on your way to teaching her this.

J.,
Prayers of anxiety are being said for you!
In todays world I do not know what to say is the right or wrong way. I feel that you took the surgical decision correctly. My 1st Grader has a classmate and from what I have been told was in a fire. He has an odd shaped head missing hair, ear &, arm from above the elbow down. He like to be independent minimal help from the teacher. No Teachers aid. (My darling Daughter just came over to help me write this to you. I forgot about the missing ear.) I think Adult will be harder that Children her own age. Or maybe it is the way my daughters Kindergarten teacher has taught them to deal with the issue at hand. Honestly I have personally asked questions only because of the nature of the scaring left behind.

Dear J.,
I can empathize only in part with what you are going through. One of my cousins was born with a "different" hand. In her case, she has no fingers or thumb. Where they should come out from the hand itself, there are only little nubs. Each of the fingers and thumbs has a small bump where it should be, but no actual digit. Perhaps the easiest way to describe it would be for you to make a tightly clenched fist and picture that instead of having fingers come out from those knuckles at the base of the hand, she simply has nubs. It's almost like the fingers began developing, but never "grew". She is very comfortable with it, and as far as I know, it's never been a huge issue for her, and it certainly hasn't stopped her from enjoying a full life.
I spoke to my Dad, and he said that she has learned to improvise. BTW, as a bit of encouragement, despite her "different" hand, and being able to only type with one hand, shortly after graduating college, she was "employee of the month" & the job involved a good bit of typing. Now, I don't know the what, why, or how, but I do know that she's never let it get in her way or keep her from what she wants. My Dad related a story about when he took her to visit a local college. She ordered french toast, and used her "special" hand to hold it. My Dad seemed to think that it wasn't very appropriate, and that maybe she should've asked him for help. However, I think it shows that she has learned not only to live with and function, but that she also adapted.
Something that I did not know until this conversation with my father was that, because of the situation with my cousin, one of the first things that my parents did with me and my sisters, was to look for any physical "differences". Also, he said that my aunt took the perspective that although my cousin had been born with a "different" hand, she was glad that it was nothing more severe.
As for dealing with peoples stares and questions, you seem to be so gracious, and I know that must be difficult. I am fairly certain that I could not handle myself that way. In fact, I know that's true, b/c when someone (who barely knows me) was unnecessarily harsh with my son recently, it took all I had to be civilized. If you feel that the questions are too personal, simply say that. You might consider a brief letter to Dear Abby, to see what she might say.
I am not sure about dealing with school, particularly if you send her to public school. However, you might consider speaking with a professional about that. And you should definitely speak to those in authority at whatever school you decide to send her to, so that they are aware of her uniqueness, as well as the fact that you expect them to require respect and dignity from the other students. God bless you for your positive perspective and your desire to help your daughter. I'll be praying for you, as you seek more insight.

Hi J., My name is V. and I am a nurse. I have worked with the disabled kis, Traech kids and mentally disabled kids. The best thing to do in this case is to not bring attention to her hand at this age. When she is old enough and knows the difference, she will ask. That will be the time to tell her the truth. You can also tell her that "God made her a little special so she can show others it is perfectly alright to be different". As far as inquisitive,and somewhat ignorant people not related to you, tell them that is too personal and you don't feel like talking about it. Or simpily tell them it is none of their business. I had a friend that allways used to say." Whats the sense in having ignorance if you never use it".
Your daughter will be just fine, she wouldn't know what to do with another type of hand. her hand is special to her.
V.

First I would just like to say that I am sorry that people are just rude. I have really been disapointed with the behavior with complete strangers since I have become a mom. I know what you mean by the older people blurting out the wrong thing too....It is always the little old ladies, isn't it? I think the parents of yesterday forgot to teach their children to think before they speak. You seem to be like a great mom who is really sensitive to your daughter's needs and I think you are handeling things very well. I wish I had the perferct comeback for you to say to these rude people, but that would be sinking to their level. Just know that you are ALREADY doing the right thing. And if you want to vent, I will always listen, as I know others here on Mamasource would. As far as school is concerned, I think you will just know what to do by then. Her little classmates will be curious and I am sure will ask you and her questions. Let your daughter go on being a normal little girl. When you notice she has noticed her hand is different. Sit down and talk to her. Tell her things like you told us and all the other strangers like.....It does not need to be "fixed", and that she is a healthy and loved child and that is ALL that REALLY matters. I can just tell by the way you have handled things so far, that you will be able to handle this too. Please remember that god only gives you what you can handle,,,,, So you CAN handle this. Take Care!

God made each and every one of us different. I think a good way to present it to her is that God made her special. He left a special mark on her because she was so special to him. I can believe finding the right words for a stranger who's asking questions could be hard. Just be positive about it and be sure to let them know that you love her just the way she is. No one is perfect. Doesn't matter if that imperfection is on the outside or on the inside. A lot of times those "imperfections" on peoples hearts are the ones that show the worst. God Bless you and that beautiful little girl!! I admire you for the way you approach your situation. A lot of people could learn from you!!