Pediatrician Told Me Today "To Be a Parent". Should I Switch Doctors?

If you are all that upset, find another doctor. But, if it is all true, then sit down and have a talk and correct it.

My daughter was told she was eating too much salt. I felt we hardly use salt. When I took a look at the packages, it was the truth.

We have cut way back and she has slimmed down. I know that the coach that told me this was only looking out for her.

You want us to coddle you since the doctor did not. I would rather have a doctor treat me and get me well than concern himself with my ego.

S.

Your son needs help. You know this. If he can devour a whole bag of apples just to eat? He needs help.

You will have to change EVERYTHING in the house for this problem. That means EVERYONE needs to eat the same things - stop hiding the food. Your son has a problem and he is using food to fill that space or cover up whatever it is that is bothering him.

You MUST acknowledge this and get him to a psychiatrist and get him help. This isn't going to be a one visit and done thing - this is going to be a long-term process to help him work through whatever is making him turn to food for help.

It doesn't matter if you buy a Total Gym or a tread mill - if he doesn't use it - it will just collect dust. Period. End of story.

Has this doctor run any blood tests on your son? Cholesterol, blood sugar, any thing and everything to find out if he's deficient in something?

Begging, pleading, using bribe's isn't going to work. the whole family needs to be on the healthy eating.

Was the doctor rude? Maybe. He doesn't have bedside manners, that much is true. You've been seeing him for 7 years. He has probably been telling you there is problem and you haven't listened or you have made excuses, so he said something that finally got through to you. You didn't like it. Now what are you going to do about it? He told you the truth.

I have a 15 year old, he got chunky as he entered puberty. He's now taller than me at 5' 10". I think he's going to be tall like his dad. Is it possible your son is still going through puberty? I don't think so, as much as I'd like to say here's the reason for your son's weight problem. I would stop hiding food and start addressing the problem, which isn't the doctor, but whatever is bothering your son to have him use food as a crutch.

SuzyQ:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Food is one battle I usually don't have. The fact that you HIDE food from your son? Sorry - makes him want it more. Why not "be the parent" and start offering HEALTHY alternatives in your refrigerator, pantry and cabinets? Start there...be the role model and set that example of healthy eating.

Yes, it can be embarrassing when a doctor points out our flaws as parents. Instead of "never" going back - and prove the doctor wrong? Your son needs help. YOU need help. Find a Nutritionist and get your family on the right track. Sometimes the truth hurts. Yes, it was delivered poorly. I guess I'd need to know EXACTLY what he said to you - not just "he got all over" you.

Stop hiding food. Offer HEALTHY choices.
Turn the TV and XBOX off - go for a walk after dinner as a family.
Ride bikes together as a family - DO SOMETHING, other than eat, as a family!

I would HOPE that the doctor offered you TOOLS and RESOURCES to help your son. If he did? then I would go back and ask again. WHAT do you expect me to do? That's what a good doctor would do. Tell you the truth and offer you resources to fix the problem.

You REALLY need to find out WHY your son needs to "eat". WHY are you hiding food? Seriously, hiding food is a problem. Instead of hiding it - offer ONLY healthy choices.

Take a step back. What did the doctor REALLY say? HOW did he say it. Like I said - the truth hurts sometimes. However, the doctor SHOULD be working with you to help you get your son healthy.

I believe the reason you were so upset is because it's true.
I am NOT trying to be mean, please know that.
You know your son is big, over weight. Having the doctor point that out to you just made it "real."
Your son was upset because it's true. No one WANTS to hear that they are being unhealthy. It sucks!
When I go to the doctor and I get the "you MUST lose weight, you are unhealthy, you are killing yourself" lecture I am pissed. I cry.
It's true.
Instead of focusing on the doctor pointing out the obvious, focus on what you can do to make the situation better.
Stop hiding food. Just don't buy it. If it's not good for him then it's not good for anyone else in your house. Take away electronics. Tell him he can have them after he walks for 1/2 hour a day. If he doesn't want to walk then he doesn't get to sit in front of the computer/tv/hand held games.
Teens are super hard. I know it.
But as someone who has battled my weight all my life.... I blame myself first, but I also blame my parents for not really stepping in, being stronger parents, and showing me how to be healthy.
L.

You've been seeing this pedi for 7 yrs so this is not a new issue that he sees with your son... it is ongoing. The Dr. is probably concerned for your son.

The fact that you are hiding food from your son means that there is a big battle going on in your house with food and hiding food does not help someone who has a food problem. It makes it worse.

Stop buying any junk, make healthy foods so he has healthy choices. HOWEVER, you have to do this a little at a time because he is "trained" on all the poor choices he has had so far.

It is your son's life and it sounds like he doesn't "get' how important this is. Some people never "get" it and end up living short unhealthy lives because of their choices.

I understand you felt humiliated by the Dr. and the Dr. should have been more tactful. The Dr. should have given you some tools to work with and spoken directly to your son regarding his health and food issues.

I am sure you can find a Dr. who will coddle you and your son but you don't need that either. You need a balance and need a Dr. who will tell you that you need to step it up without getting so offended and hurt. We all have to hear the truth sometimes and it is not always fun when we do.

Follow your gut on your Dr choices but also, make an effort to get some help for your son. He may need counseling to figure out why he has food issues and begin to resolve those from that point on. You son needs to be able to learn to control this, you can't do it for him.

You could find a new doctor, and they may be less demeaning and hurtful in their comments, but at the least you can say that this doctor appears to really care about your son's health.

In the end he likely sees quite a few obese kids who he knows have a lifetime of medical issues ahead of them. It would be frustrating, because the parent has control over the food in the house, the parent has control over the video games and TV that contribute to inactivity, the parent has control over money given to the child to buy fast food and treats outside of the house. Adults have to practice self-control in a way kids do not, because someone (mom or dad) is usually providing meals and activities.

You didn't ask for advice about your son's weight but just the same I have advice to give.
Stop hiding food from him, sneaking and hiding food causes issues that contribute to disordered behaviors with food in general.
Provide healthy food (raw veggies and fruits) that he can eat when he wants. If that means no one else has potato chips and cookies in the house for awhile so be it, you will all live.
Make yourself immune to complaints about new improved food choices by repeating the mantra "I am helping my family be healthier and happier."
Limit sources of play that contribute to inactivity like computer time and TV (Aim for at least half of the time at home to be outside, or at least electronics-free).
Try to find activities the entire family can do that get everyone moving, like a walk after dinner.
Water bottles for everyone, all the time, no other drinks (no juice, soda, Starbuck's Lattes, etc.)

The doctor's bedside manner stunk but you really do have all the power to help your kid.

It truly sounds like you're battling with your son about food. I imagine the doc just wants you to do what he wants. I wouldn't go back there because of how you felt after leaving.

I have had hard feelings with a doc before. But why it hurt so bad is because he was stepping on my toes, he was right and I was wrong and I didn't like hearing it so when he was blunt and said it right in my face....well, I didn't like it and cried.

Stop fighting with your son. If you take stuff away from him then he's just going to want it more. So don't buy it in the first place. If he can't have it neither can you or anyone else in your family because that would mean it's not healthy for anyone.

The problem I see is that your son's attitude towards food seems to be running your household. You hide food, he eats the entire family's share of foods, you constantly motivate and monitor, you battle, his health is suffering. It doesn't sound as though your son currently has a medical problem related to food (diabetes type 2, or obesity that affects his heart or breathing or joints), but it sounds as though he has a very unhealthy relationship with food and eating.

Perhaps the doctor was concerned and crude with his words, but maybe his point was valid. However, something more practical would have been more useful. I think your son needs a nutritionist, a dietician who not only knows food but who is trained in helping people understand their eating habits, triggers, etc. Often, being accountable to an outside professional can help when the family members cannot.

I'm sorry you experienced the mean-spirited words of the doctor and sorry that he didn't steer you towards a truly helpful source. Does your son express any concern over his appetite or eating habits or weight? Is he just a few pounds over, or seriously overweight? This battle will only get worse unless you get a nutritional-based therapist on your side.

In the meantime, if your son or other kids do not have serious medical issues, now may be a good time to switch doctors, but make sure it's for the right reason. You don't want a doctor who will overlook potentially dangerous situations just so he or she remains politically correct and popular, nor do you want a doctor who will berate your family into submission. You want a doctor who will come alongside your family, who is not afraid to speak the truth, but who is helpful and has resources to offer.

Of course you can consider changing doctors, but what you might also do is say, "I get that you are concerned about my son, but I felt that the way you conveyed this to me was mean and condescending." If he offers no apology, then you may need to change to someone you can work with. The flip side (which I can only guess at because I'm not you) is has he been telling you gently for years and you aren't getting it?

I realize it is upsetting news. But regardless of whether you stay with this doctor or not, I think your whole family needs to look at the big picture. What are you really doing and what could you do better? Does your son need more structure? Do you need to overhaul the entire family's diet? Do you need to exercise as a family? Your son may also need counseling to figure out why he eats so much. Yes, boys eat. My SS ate a LOT. But he was not overweight. Your son may be stress eating and that is also something to be addressed, not just by hiding food. You say he went to a therapist - how long and did the family get involved or was it just something you hoped would change just for him?

I really think that this is something the whole family needs to get into. Few 14 yr olds are going to maintain anything like a diet and exercise overhaul by themselves. Instead of "you should" it should be "we will". We will go for a bike ride. We will walk to the store. We will go on a nature hike. We will go swimming. We will stop eating pasta. We will learn about portion control.

A good pediatrician, in my opinion, would have offered you tools and resources:
•Kids gym/PT program
•referral to an endocrinologist
•several meetings with a nutritionist
•food journal/ goals
• Use of a pedometer
These are some things that were offered to my. Friend and her son who needs to lose 10-15 pounds!

Find a doctor with a plan--O. that includes tools and action--not berating you! Sounds like food is already an issue/struggle in your house. Try something positive!

Our pediatrician is also blunt with us about things like this, but it doesn't hurt my feelings...I usually already know there is a problem and I always appreciate his honesty. He is an amazing doctor and only wants my children to thrive and be healthy. Sounds like you have a wonderful doc, but maybe it's your insecrities that are in the way?

Yup new doctor. Follow your gut on this one momma. It may have been "tough love" kind of approach, but if the outcome was so emotional for you and your kids, time for a fresh start.
Weight is an extremely sensitive issue in the teenage years. Find a really supportive uplifting doctor for him.

Sounds like you need more support from your doctor than that. Whether he was having a bad day OR whatever, he shouldn't have approached the issue with such insensitivity. Dealing with a 14 year old kid is not easy, so the doctor should know that and provide support that is helpful. Sounds like some bad bedside manner. Time to move on.

With that being said, it's important to get some support for your son. If tests need to be done to see what's going on with his weight, that IS reasonable. Maybe the doctor needs to do some labs to see where he's at medically? A doctor should always rule out medical issues before jumping to anything else.

Bottom line is, the doctor was insensitive and it's time to find a better support system for your son. You may not always hear EXACTLY what you want when you go to the doctor, but it's really about the delivery. Isn't it?!

We just switched pediatricians this year. I had a similar situation, but my dd is very small and thin (but her height and weight are proportionate)...Our pediatrician scolded my dd for not wanting to eat meat and vegetables (she does eat at least a few vegetables a day) and she told me I should not be making her any special meals. My dd has a number of food allergies so she doesn't always eat what we eat, but many times she does.
This pediatrician also has been somewhat abrupt with me and I chalked it up to her high strung personality.
We just decided this year that the annual visits were too stressful and considering the outrageous rates we pay...by golly...we're going to get someone we like....and we did! The new pediatrician is very competent and NICE!

Wow. So sorry. Look for another doctor. No one should be talked to that way.

Has he been tested for diabeties? Just curious. I know Doctors can have issues with their "bed side" manner. However, he may be truly concerned but just not have a way to properly convey it. Over eating can be a sign of a medical or mental problem. I would talk with your son and see if their is anything going on that may contribute to his over eating. If not, then I would ask for a blood sugar test to rule out any other medical issues. I would also find a way to encourage physical activity. Family time by bowling, biking, walking, or even playing some Wii sport games together are way to peak up more of an interest in physical activity.

If there is any reason , you feel uncomfortable with a care provider, you should find new care.

Have not read the other answers and regardless of what the Pedi said, if you want to make your son change his habits then I think the best approach maybe that the entire family takes on a healthy life style change of sorts. I do not think you need to start off drastic but maybe start to change the weekly menu and snacks in the house to start. Then transition into getting the family to do more active activities together. We are in the process of really trying to get the family to sit down together for dinner and eat a healthier meal. You can start simple such as switching to whole grains, cutting down on the carbs, etc Weight Watchers might be a good guide for recipes and snack ideas. They have alot of good recipes that are modified to be on the healthier side. Also portion control with snacks is important.

look for another doctor

You should never go to a doctor you don't feel comfortable with. Ask some friends who have teens how they like theirs in order to find another practice.

I do think you've been given really good advice by Isn'tthisfun. Please read through it. She is spot on about what you have in the house for him to eat. AND she is spot on about you having to hide food from him.

If I were you, I'd consider finding a dietician that works with teens and having her meet with your son. He does need to take some responsibility here. And yes, you do need to be the parent and expect him to take responsibility instead of hiding food.

Your doc sounds more like a Dr. House than anything else. Unless I was in dire need of a great diagnostician, I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment. But if he has been trying for a long time to get you and your son to listen about his weight, perhaps he is flustered that neither of you have... doesn't condone his behavior, by the way. It might, however, explain it.

By the way, we have had a spate of troll like posters on here lately. I still don't believe that the "pregnant with twins and mother of a toddler 17 year old whose boyfriend from the time she was 14 and the father of all three of her kids" is for real. I think she's a teen who is here for kicks to see how many moms she can get to answer silly questions. We pretty much don't like trolls here, and we can get a little jumpy about it. Try not to take it personally - most first questions here aren't about medical stuff...

I think if you are unhappy with your doctor, you need to find another. But don't disregard his advice just because you don't like it. He may not have a good bedside manner, but he is right that you need to be the parent here.

I also noticed that you are hiding food from him. You need to make sure the house is full of only healthy foods he's allowed to eat. This is hard for me, my husband is overweight and I love ice cream. But his health is more important to me than my need for cookie dough ice cream. Just like when I was prego and had gestational diabetes, the health of your kid is more important than an oreo or soda. Change how the whole family eats. Don't just single your son out.