PDA And New People

Gross. I don't care who ya are i don't want to see a make out session.

I'd tell her/him to cut it out or the next time I'll get a bucket of cold water and douse em...and then DO IT.

It sounds like too much PDA is what is bothering you. It would bother me too--regardless of the couple's sexual orientation. You just don't make out at a family BBQ in front of kids. I would focus on asking her to limit the PDA. If she brought home a new GF every week, but didn't make out with her in front of the family, that probably wouldn't bother you. It would be the same as her bringing home a different college buddy every weekend.

This is easy. You don't invite them over. You go to THEIR place and when they start this stuff, you pack up your kids and leave.

What they are doing is showing off and trying to make you a voyeur. It's gross no matter what sex they both are.

I'm serious - no more invitations. If they show up unannounced, stop them at the door and say "I'm sorry, but if you are going to visit, no PDA. Period. I'll ask you to leave if you start." The new booty call might be shocked - it should certainly tell them something about your inlaw. If they ask why, tell them that you are sick and tired of having to answer your kids questions about why your inlaw kisses on everybody.

And so what if you stir up a hornet's nest!!!

Dawn

I agree with Laura. It seems a pretty simple explanation.

And how exactly is she "hurting" your children? I'm not getting that out of your post.

That said, I would not be happy with folks displaying excessive PDA around my kiddos (i.e., prolonged makeout session). Holding hands, rubbing backs, and kisses on cheeks/lips do not seem excessive.

If you've asked your brother to tone down the excessive PDA (I'm not sure what very flashy means), it seems reasonable to ask your SIL. As long as the ground rules are the same, and you let your SIL know that you've asked your brother for the same thing.

Umm...this sounds like a no brainer to me...but....
"Auntie kisses Julie because she loves her. Just like I kiss your dad because I love him."

L.

Well damn...you changed your whole question and I look kinda stooopid now!! I would change my answer to "Who knows why? She has a lot of friends! Lucky her!"

I don't understand how having your sil show love to her girlfriend is hurting your children. As Laura said, say she kisses her because she loves her.

Sounds to me that you do not approve of her life style. I suggest that she's acting a little strange because she feels judged by you. You don't say how she's acting strange and so this is just a suggestion of a possibility.

After your SWH. I still do not see how your sil having different girl friends is harming your children. They are not going to develop an attachment to someone they see once in awhile. Your sil is not telling your children that this is her life choice. Your sil is dating and it is healthy to not have an exclusive relationship while in college. She needs to have experiences with several people before settling down with just one.

Now if there is petting or lots of PDA it's reasonable to ask her to limit that for the sake of everyone present. It's no more harmful for your children than for the adults whose sensibility is challenge.

EDIT: Gosh, I HATE it when the entire original question is just eliminated and makes those of us who actually answered look flaky.

If the issue is that your SIL/brother are bringing home various dates rather than a steady partner, well, that's the dating scene. Oh well. That's not harmful to young children unless it's a PARENT that's doing it.

"I know you miss Aunt Neveah's other girlfriend, Taeylohrr, but they decided not to see each other any more. Aunt Nevaeh is dating different people until she finds someone that she wants to spend all of her time with."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It sounds as if you're fine with her being gay as an idea, but not when it comes to actually dating and sharing her girlfriends with the family.

I'm going to be blunt. She has EVERY RIGHT to bring her current girlfriends to family events as much as anyone else does. She has EVERY RIGHT to show affection to her girlfriends as long as there's no heavy petting and making out, and I would say the same about a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

What YOU need to do is talk to your children about the fact that your SIL is gay, and that some people have romantic relationships that aren't male-female when they fall in love. You don't have to go into details.

Seriously, I don't think it's your SIL that has a problem. You really have no business being upset or asking her to "do" anything because what you're expecting is essentially asking her to go back into the closet for the sake of your sensibilities because you think it'll harm your children or upset them. What exactly are you shielding them from?

I would simply just leave when they start. Walk out the door with no explanation. I would never let my kids around people who would do this. WTH kind of lesson is that teaching your girls?

ETA: since you changed your question. I doubt your kids are seeing their aunt every day doing this and its J. at occassional parties your kids are going to see a lot you dont agree with so teach them your views and let other people live. if your fear is that your kids are going to be slutty because their aunt is then you dont believe in your ability to parent that much. shes young and having fun...tease her and say "get a room, kids are here" and loosen up=) maybe kiss your husband instead of freaking out

i dont see the issue. if you dont like PDA no matter what gender they like then tough nougies, you cant control how other people treat their signifigant other. how would you like it if she said it ofended her that you kissed your husband. short of making out and feeling eachother up i dont see it's an issue.

If they are cuddly and kiss the same amount a boy/girl couple would that J. started dating who cares??

my daughter came home from K and say bobby has to mommies (i gorget the kids name) and i replied thats great bobby has two people to love him. your 4 year old doesnt need a drawn out reply. she kisses her girlfriend because she loves her.

if your issue is its another girl every week,maybe you could address that but otherwise settle down shes in college she's ot introducing them as aunt to the kids

Oh!! Public Displays of Affection. I had to google it.

"Aunt Y has too many girlfriends."

"Uncle X has too many boyfriends."

Don't overestimate the effect an uncle or aunt's occasional behavior is going to have on your kids. I'm going to repeat Grandma T's succinct advice:

Tell your kids what you believe...
They will do with that what they will...

It really sounds like you do have a problem with her lifestyle. How hard is it to explain people kiss the ones they love.

Now if the issue is a revolving door of women then it is an issue of kissing someone you clearly don't love.

The answer is how would you answer it if they asked why playboy uncle is kissing his flavor of the week.

You need to be straight with your kids, if they ask then they need an answer. Keeping them from seeing the kissing isn't going to change much, ya know? Could be as simple as she thinks she is in love.

College students date a lot, whether or not they are gay.
Do you only think it's okay for straight people to date a lot before they settle down with someone?
In other words, would you feel the same if she was straight and had a different boyfriend/date every time she visited?
There's no reason for your kids to be confused, just explain that some women like to date other women and some men do the same. Kids don't need a whole big description and discussion of homosexuality, just keep it very matter of fact. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

Are they over 15? If so, that's old enough to understand and respect what they've put YOU in the uncomfortable position of asking.
You're open minded enough to expose your kids to alternative lifestyles and accept their relatives, too bad they've responded in a sophomoric way.
LGBT or heterosexual--doesn't matter.
Stop inviting them. I would.

Gay, straight, whatever, I have a problem with *ANYONE* 'making out' in front of my kids, so if she's doing that, make THAT the issue and NOT her choice in partners.

If the cookout is at your house, you have a right to request that the flavor of the week isn't there. If it's not, you have a right not to go. But you don't get to tell her or anyone else how to live their life.

I can't imagine a 4-year-old saying, "I'm confused because Auntie kisses girls." 4-year-olds just don't think like that. So yes, you do come across as having a problem with her lifestyle.

My only issue is that I do not care to see any couple making out. I honestly don't mind a little PDA--occasional smooch, hand-holding, eye-gazing--but I don't like to feel like I'm intruding on someone else's private moment.

I haven't had to explain this to children, but I would imagine that they could just be told that the relative has a special friend...and a different special friend...and yet another special friend. By the time that they (children) reach the age where this should greatly influence their behavior, they should know better from your teaching and little common sense.

Tell them your kids are sensitive to all of that PDA and if they want to continue they need to go somewhere private.

There will be people in your life that do things you do not agree with. You need to 1. evaluate children's comments through the child filter (is it really as big a deal as you make of it or just a comment from the kid) and 2. decide if you want to spend more/less time with that person.

My nephew and his on again, off again GF have a daughter. Since the couple is back and forth, then I've simply told DD that her cousin lives with her momma just like SD and SS have another house with their momma. That's ALL DD needs to know. She doesn't need to get into why they aren't married, etc. My DD wasn't asking more than that and if I gave her more info, it would be answering unasked questions.

"Uncle kisses boys because he likes them." If your child asks why he has so many boyfriends you can come up with something like "I don't know. I guess he hasn't found someone to settle down with yet." And move on.

You can ask him to tone it down but at the end of the day, you cannot control him. You can only control yourself. So you choose what you will do if x or y happens.

Kids get attached but you can't put them in a bubble where nobody will ever leave. I think banning people your relatives are dating until they are serious is asking too much. It would be appropriate for YOU to keep a non-serious boyfriend away from your kids (if your DH got eaten by bears or something) but think back to how you would have felt if early on someone told you you couldn't bring DH. I honestly made that mistake at my wedding and not inviting DH's friend's GF (now WIFE) made it awkward for a while. It wasn't worth it.

It's not so much who she makes out with, it's that she wants an underage audience while doing it.
It's like "Hey, Sis! You've discovered sex! Good for you! Now get a room already!".
Perhaps she needs to know that family gatherings are for FAMILY and when and if she has a significant other that will be a major life partner (like for years not just a few weeks) then she can bring her along.
There are a lot of college kids who just don't hang around the family during that time.
Is she hoping for shock value or trying to deliberately pick a fight?

Tell your kids what you believe...
They will do with that what they will...

Why do you refer to her as your "little SIL?" Sounds/seems to me that you don't take her seriously and it is upsetting you because your "little SIL" is doing something that you have to take seriously.

Like the others, I don't see how this is hurting your kids. IMHO, your denial and biased is what is going to hurt your kids in the long run.

If they are having inappropriate PDAs, then right then and there go over and say "hey you two, enough already. Not in front of the kids" Nip it in the bud right there in front of everyone. It's not a big deal and I would certainly do that if any of my family members were getting carried away in front of the kids.

I am not sure what happened -- did you change your post text while I was writing this reply?! I see the things I was replying to are gone! You seem to have posted a reaction to some other folks who posted and got rid of the original post--??

Responding to your initial post: I think some people posting are not reading your post fully and carefully. I see that your issue is not being gay; it's the PDAs and especially the PDAs with different people. If SIL had one steady partner that would be different, I think, but whether a person is straight or gay, bringing new boyfriends/girlfirends around and introducing them to kids as "someone I love" only confuses kids. Why does uncle love a different girl every two months? Why does aunt love a different girl every two months? Where is the girl you brought to see us back in March? Don't you love her any more?

It makes kids very confused about what it means to love someone and it does not reinforce the idea of commitment. I don't like it if my brother brings new girlfriends around my daughter because he goes through them fast, but I have zero issue with my gay friend and his boyfriend with whom he has lived for the past six years or so.

Does your SIL understand that you have the SAME request for your brothers and their girlfriends, about not being all PDA?

Does she get that the issue is not her being gay but her bringing different strangers around? If you've told her that, has she been defensive, along the lines of "You're lying, it's really you being anti-gay" etc.? (Hard to fight, but all you can do is point to the fact you and your family accept and love her.)

Have you explored what happened in April or after? You mentioned that "since April she has been really strange." Did she break up with a steady girlfriend around then, and is dating a lot possibly out of some grief over that relationship? Did something else non-romantic happen in her life around that time? There may be more going on here and she might need help or someone just to listen.

This is tough for you. Say something and some people will say "You're just not comfortable with her being gay!" Say nothing and you essentially are letting her operate on different rules from the ones you ask your own brothers to observe.

VERY importantly: Where is your husband on all this? She's his sister and I think it's really his role to talk to her first, unless he and she are estranged or he has issues with her lesbianism that you do not. Does he back you on the whole PDA-for-whatever-gender issue? Is it something you are willing to possibly alienate her over? Is there a way you can kindly delve into whether there are other issues that are making her go through new girlfriends quickly?

Please update us. You have some tough stuff to navigate.

Why do you bring your kids to events where people are inconsiderate? As soon as I see behavior that is inappropriate, whether it is PDA, bad language, inappropriate television, we would quietly excuse ourselves and leave. If someone continued to do this, I would not attend if I knew that person would be there. Then the ball is in the host's court. If they will invite inconsiderate people, then we will not be there. If they want to have people like that in their home because they don't want to "hurt their feelings" then I don't want my kids around them either.