Paternity Test from Unwilling Possible Dad and Child Questioning Who Her Father

There is no "closure for the little one's sake". She is without a father, and yes she will be asking more and more questions... and like any child, will wonder what SHE did to cause him not to love her. There is nothing that will stop those thoughts from turning in her head. It doesn't matter to her whether or not she has a piece of paper saying that he's her dad or not. If there is NO ONE ELSE that it could POSSIBLY be.. then what does the piece of paper matter to your friend? She doesn't want to admit to her daughter that she doesn't know who her father is?
IF your friend wants to retain any kind of legal rights for her daughter (say your friend suddenly loses her income and needs help supporting her daughter, or she becomes ill and insurance and medical expenses become an issue) then the answer is simple. She retains an attorney (or uses state services at reduced cost to her) to file a paternity suit. The court will require him to participate in a paternity test. Some states may of their own volition require him to pay child support... as the support (from both parents) is the right of the child, not the custodian of the child, but she can find out from the attorney whether that applies in her state or if she can sign an agreement with the father waiving it for the time being. He can also be required to provide medical insurance coverage for her.
I do not believe that, once the child becomes an adult, in your "one day when she wants to track him down" scenario, that the child will have any standing to force him to submit to a paternity test. If your friend wants it legal... then she needs to pursue it through legal means. Now. Some states allow paternity testing using Buccal swabs (swab the saliva inside the cheek) for testing, not blood draws.
And frankly, of COURSE he is concerned that she is after more than just the "closure". This is a HUGE financial obligation that will be thrust upon him and moral obligation if he has any (not saying it shouldn't by any means). She may claim to be, actually be, and want to be financially independent of the father of her child forever... but circumstances can change unexpectedly.
The questions her daughter has will not be ANY easier for "knowing" that a test says that man fathered her. But if she opts NOT to pursue confirmation thru legal means... she had better be absolutely certain there is NO CHANCE that it is someone else instead.

As a side note: my gut says that your friend is more interested in not having to "share" her daughter with "Adam" than in being "independent". And that may (or may not) be the best choice for her daughter in the long run. It CAN be amazing (in Some cases) how men can change and "step up" when they find out and are faced with YES, THAT IS MY CHILD. Perhaps your friend doesn't want the potential issues stemming from him deciding to build a relationship and fighting for visitation, etc and is avoiding legal avenues for those reasons. If so, I say shame on her. It is her daughter's right to have 2 parents. Her daughter didn't choose to have only one parent. And I know I will catch a LOT of flack for saying so... but that's just the way I feel about it, in general. Please forgive me if it offends anyone. I don't see a need to sugarcoat the plain facts.
Basically, you are right. There is no "positive all around" outcome.. if your friend doesn't want "Daddy" to be part of her daughter's life. And even if she does, there are no guarantees there, either.
Good luck to your friend.. and best wishes for her daughter.

She will probably just need to tell her that he was not ready to be a father. That's not easy but the truth. That's what I have had to tell my almost 11 year old. It's a hard situation to be in but it has to be worked through.

Good luck and God bless you and your friend!!

This is not about your friend nor is it about "Adam." This is about a child that not only deserves to know who both of her parents are, but deserves the financial support (if he is unwilling to give her any other kind of support) that both parents can give her. Your friend may not want child support from him, but it isn't for her, it is for her child. Your friend needs to think about what situation she is putting her daughter in if she is ever in a position where she can't provide for her financially. If nothing else, his child support may be the college education, car at 16, savings account, whatever, that her daughter may not have otherwise. He made the decision to sleep with your friend. Anytime you sleep with someone, there is the possibility that a child will be the result of that (among other things). He had sex with her, he may be a father, he needs to be responsible for that.

I am very passionate about this. I see this every day in my line of work. I am a family law attorney. Your friend needs to talk to an attorney and find out what rights she needs to be protecting for her child. Lying to her daughter about her origins is not the way to go. The truth always comes out, one way or another. Lying to her will only cause her daughter to mistrust her. Being truthful with her can help her daughter deal with that reality and may help her from making bad relationship choices when she grows up.

I wish her the best of luck. I know this isn't an easy position to be in. If she handles it right, she can make it a positive rather than a negative.

There are more reasons then 'my child wants to know' for a paternity test. She will need a medical history. If she has no interest in financial support she can have paper work prepared so that he can surrender his paternal rights at the same time as he does the test. Otherwise she can just claim him for the father and tell him to take the test to prove he isn't.

It's really simple. If he IS the father, she is entitled to support. Whether she needs the financial assistance or not doesn't really matter. If this guy made a kid, he needs to own up to the responsibility financially, emotionally, etc. OR he needs to waive his parental rights completely.
She needs to petition the court for a paternity test. possible "dads" aren't just allowed to refuse the test OR block phone numbers. She should go through the family court system.
She owes it to her daughter to identify her father.

I have two children from an anonymous donor, so I know what it is like to be a single parent of a child. However, when I had my children, I had the knowledge up front that I was going to be a single parent and not have participation or financial support from a father. Personally, if the father is being so negative and doesn't want to be involved, then I would not want to introduce my children to him. If this woman KNOWS he is the father and doesn't want anything else, then she can just tell her child about the father and his characteristcs, but she needs to be clear that he is unavailable.

However, since this was not a "donor" situation, personally, I agree with the poster about getting to the bottom of the paternity and even getting child support. You can always use the money for college. I hate to be callous about it, but if this was a child made the natural way, then there is responsibility on all parties sides.

-L.

I agree with another response, just tell her that he's not ready to be a father & it sounds like that is the honest truth. If she KNOWS he is the father that's all that matters. She doesn't need the proof of a paternity test. Your friends daughter will be fine. I'm not saying it will be easy to grow up without a dad around but it can be done. I don't know if your friend & Adam had a relationship or not but your friend could tell her daughter about him & talk about what he looks like; what features the daughter has that look like her father; she could tell her about positive personality traits, only good things about him. I don't know if your friend has any reasons to criticize this man, other than the fact that he did the deed to create a child & doesn't want to be a father, but tell her to NEVER talks negatively about him at all; doing so will only hurt the person who matters most, her daughter.

Time for your friend to lawyer up, whether or not the "adults" in this situation want it or not, both parents have a role in raising a child. If he had unprotected sex, the child deserves his support. It was be wrong for your friend to let him skate, get a lawyer, petition for paternity testing, prove in court that he resisted and doesn't want custody BUT mandate that he begin paying support. Like another poster suggested, it could pay for college, help her get a start in her adult life, etc. Your friend may not realize how much it costs in the long run to raise a child, it feels like mine are more expensive now than when we were paying for pampers and formula. And at only 6 yrs old, she is just now getting to be old enough for summer camps, extracurricular activites, not to mention braces, glasses/contacts, it goes on and on and on! Don't let him get away with his jollies and not taking responsibility for his actions!