Parenting Skills or Luck?

I have three well behaved wonderful kids. One was easy. One was(is) very spirited. One was born EXTREMELY difficult with a massive temper from birth. In other words, they all took very different levels of work. One took extremely hard work, but she is now a wonderful 2 1/2 year old. I think parenting is about luck for the parents who happen to be lucky. Just like some people are rich because they won the lottery, but some are rich because they busted a**.

You know when you work out 6 times a week and watch everything you eat, and go to bed early while everyone else snacks and drinks wine so you can get up early to go run 5 miles, and someone says, "You're lucky you're thin, it's genetic"? That's how I feel when people tell me I'm so lucky to have three great kids. It's a compliment, but it wasn't luck. Even my easiest one did things she shouldn't have and would still be doing them had we not worked hard at firm, consistent discipline and at raising the kids in a loving, positive home. And my third redefined the amount of patience and consistency it takes to be effective with discipline.

Not to mention, lots and lots of kids out there are true terrors. Are all their parents just "unlucky"? Or are they maybe not doing all they could be.

Out of 4, I got one real tough one, yes that is luck....parenting is not a 'one size fits all' approach

Like you, I think it is a combination. Some kids are just so easy to parent. Then the next one comes and brings you bacck to reality LOL. Enjoy every
moment.

How old is the perfect kid? I too was a pretty perfect kid until I hit about 13 and went a little crazy. Of course I calmed down around 17 and settled into being the perfect adult ;)

Congratulations on some great parenting so far but don't let your guard down!

I think it's both. Luck of the draw with personality, and also with how their personality meshes with YOUR personality. Parenting skills come in to play, but a lot has to do with how well your parenting style fits the kid as well.

I used to believe that it was an equal mixture of nature vs nurture. But through 2 and 3 shifts of daycare, 7 days per week, 363 days per year, for 2 and a half decades, my opinion has changed. I believe now it's 90% personality. I believe that good parenting can keep a child that falls in the realm of normal (which is a wide scale), on a good path. We can not change their spirit in any way shape or form for the better. But we can absolutely damage a spirt almost beyond repair. The human body, mind, soul, spirit connection is too complicated and much of it's off limits to us as parents.

I actually see my role as a parent as protector and provider. But through my efforts to "teach" 4 children since the early 90's and my observations of the trouble that schools have producing productive learners, I am thinking that the entire field of teaching is almost as squirly as psuedo science. A smart kid can learn in terrible conditions. But a smart kid with emotional problems can't learn very much in the best environment.

I watch people. I watch headlines. I pay close attention to what makes people tick. People will make of their lives mostly what they choose to. But we don't seem to realize that we really are doing the choosing. We tend to think that the choices we are making are small, random, and not having much affect on the rest of our lives. We feel powerless to change our destinies or the big things that come our way. We are powerless to change other people. But we have much more control over ourselves than we realize.

What I really mean to say is that grown ups repeat the same mistakes again and again. So why should we be surprised that little people do too?

A sweet easy going kid is a gift. Enjoy him!

I think it's more luck than parenting skills. None of us are that good. :)

Both with a bit of you know your own kids. It is the reason I hate parenting books, great if I have their kid or the kids they studied, not so helpful with my kids though with my oldest I threatened to buy the book and hit him with it. :p

In spite of my lack of book knowledge in parenting I have managed to raise two viable members of society and the other two aren't looking too bad either.

Lets face it, how many kids of moms here could understand that threatening a kid with a book is a joke, mine do, they are my kids. I have also threatened them with my taxation book. I was going to read it to them till they begged me to stop. See, my kids get that, ya know?

I think it's luck that you end up with a kid you just click with. Like the saying goes, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." I love my kid so much it hurts but I have a feeling if we had gone to high school together we would have been on opposite sides of the quad. She's interested in stuff I normally wouldn't have looked twice at if it hadn't been for her. She's loud, I'm quiet. She's bold, I'm shy. She's messy, I'm neat (most of the time). She likes baths, I prefer showers. She's a really sweet kid with a wonderful personality and I ache with love for her. I hope by the time she's a teenager our differences won't cause a rift between us.

Yes. Both.

I got SUPER lucky with my son. In personality, temperment, etc... we just click very well. It's been a lot of work, but NOWHERE NEAR as much work as if we were polar opposite from each other.

I come from a large family. When you have a large family you get to see the exact same parenting methods used on different kids. Some methods just work better for some kids than others. Ditto, personality has a HUGE part to play in the relationship between child and parent. Parents may love all their children equally, but they LIKE their children differently. ((One benefit of polygamy, btw, is that there's usually a mom that you click with, whether she's your biological mother or not. One benefit of multigenerational households... is that there is usually an elder -grandparent, parent, aunt, uncle- that you click with. Our 2 parent nuclear families here create a high level of stress on families, because it's a real crapshoot as to whether the adults and children will mesh well. Not to say it's a bad system, it's just one of the flaws. The other two systems, as well as the other systems I didn't bring up, ALSO have flaws. I'm not saying one is better than another.)).

I, hands down, got lucky with my singleton. It's not that it's not a lot of work, it's just that it's a lot LESS work.

The funny thing about him, though, is that most people wouldn't have considered him an easy baby, or an easy child to parent. Just to tip the iceberg he's a SUPER active ADHD kiddo. 2 of my neices/nephews are just like him. Having all 3 kids in the house is just relaxing for me. I get the way their brain's work, we have a good time. They drive their very ordered/ I've told you once, don't make me tell you again/ be QUIET type parents up the durn wall. When they come live with me, it takes less than a day for houserules to be set/understood and they behave *wonderfully*. In their own house, it's constant battles. It's not that they don't have great parents, it's just that they and their parents are very very different from each other.

So yah. Luck. And work.

i totally think it's both. yes there are great parents - who probably came from great parents, who will raise their kids to be great parents. so in a way that in itself is luck. also the personality of the child. a million things factor in. it also takes a lot of work which some parents aren't prepared for or willing to put in. but don't be fooled....great kids don't just happen ;)

I feel like it's a combination. (For my son, anyway.) From day 1, my son was easy. Almost never cried, has always slept well, listens to us. So far, he is very simple to parent. He gets a timeout once or twice for something, and he doesn't do it again. I can take him to the store, out to eat, anywhere...and I never have to worry what he will be like. He's a laid back, pleasant dude! He is almost 3. Things cold change, of course. It helps that he is our only, so all of our parenting energy is focused on him. There are no real distractions. I don't believe I'm an exceptional parent (what is that, really?) but I know my husband and I are good parents. I believe we are raising my son, in a way that we think is right. I also think he's just him, and he has made it pretty easy...so far.

(Oh dear. I hope I didn't jinx myself, and he won't wake up tomorrow morning to a different child!! :)

If you look (not sure how well the search feature works on this site) there was another post a while back about almost the same thing. It drew a lot of responses... You might enjoy reading those if you can find it.

For me, I think it is both. We are products of our genetics and our environment. Including our environment in the womb. I think even a child with genetically difficult tendencies can be "improved" with good parenting in a stable home. And I think a child with fantastic genetic background can turn into a terror, in an unstable, unloving home.

How much credit the genetics or the environment should receive for what is the crux of the issue. And it may vary depending upon what the specific factors are. For example: A child born with fetal alcohol syndrome, no matter what household they are raised in, may or may not be able to empathize or have a lot of normal mental capacity, may be violent, etc. And there is only so much the home environment and care of parents can do to modify the child's behavior. (Assume adoption at birth) However, reverse that and have a "perfectly normal healthy" child from "perfectly normal and healthy" parents who grows up in a home where they are abused and there are likely to be very noticeable negative behaviors....

If you have a home where everything is swimmingly wonderful, you can still end up with awful kids sometimes. Maybe they are OVER indulged. Maybe not. Just like you can have a not so great home environment, and still have a person overcome their environment and succeed and be productive members of society.
There is just not any reliable scientific way to determine percentages on this... because there is no such thing as a control group. Everybody is a "variable". :)

My children were "perfect" then they turned fifteen and sixteen and it all changed. Don't get me wrong they are amazing,loving and kind people but they are not easy. Children grow and learn who they are and who they want to be and nothing about that is easy or perfect. I am glad you feel this way and hope you can post this when he is eighteen. The way I look at it is they are all a gift and it is luck,parenting,personality and love that makes them who they are.

Prayers and a whole lot of hard work!! Each of my 6 kids has their own set of challenges. When we were fostering we took every child that walked through our door and said a prayer over them. We then provided boundaries, consistency, consequences, lots of love and affection, and security. Case workers, therapist, even a judge commented on how "normal" and well adjusted our kids where. I hated when someone said we were lucky. It was and still is HARD!! I do believe God blessed us though with some pretty awesome kids. Out of 9 kids we adopted 5. It's been a long road. My oldest has some pretty serious attachment issues and my third child has some milder attachment issues. I pray for my kids every day and each one has a special day that I pray more specifically for them. We also have firm boundaries and stay consistent. As a result I have some pretty great kids. It did not just happen though.

I think it is both.

But don't let your guard down. My brother was the perfect little kid but everything changed when he became a teenager. Good news, he (and my parents!) survived by the grace of God and he is a great dad and husband.

I think it's both.

I found LiveBold's response particularly interesting because I am also a teacher, but I see things exactly the opposite. Maybe it's because she's answering from a preschool teacher's perspective, and I teach high school. It's interesting.

I think it's more parenting and less luck, and I'm basing much of my answer on my teaching perspective. I've been teaching for 16 years, and year after year I hear the same teachers complain about having "bad" classes. Really? Are they getting "bad" kids every single year, or is it their teaching (parenting)? Of course, all of us get a more challenging class from time to time, but some teachers seem to get the challenging classes constantly. I have to wonder if these teachers would benefit from some classroom management courses, just like some parents may benefit from parenting classes.

There are variables to consider, such as what grade level is being taught, or what subject. Some classes/students are simply harder to teach, but overall I think this theory holds true.

It's also true that some children are more challenging than others. My oldest is a breeze. He would probably grow up to be a wonderful adult even if he didn't have parents. ;) My youngest is much more emotional, and has been a bit more of a challenge. Both are very good kids, but they have different needs, and require different types of parenting.

So, yes, I think it's both a bit of luck, and a lot of parenting that helps us to raise great kids.

I do think it's a combination of things too. Sometimes one child is more like you in personality and you just relate better to them, making it easier to handle difficult times and understand how they're feeling. Sometimes the disposition of a child is so lovely that they really are "easy". Beware of that one though... All kids go through their difficult times, and just because a child is "easy" at one age doesn't mean that they will forever be that way.

I think that however easy or difficult your child(ren) is, one of the best things we can do for them and ourselves as parents is to read and learn and be educated and prepared for the inevitable developmental challenges that all kids (and parents ) face. Parenting *is hard at one time or another.

You probably are a really great tuned in Mom who knows how to parent well. It isn't all luck. It's really obvious from your post how much you adore your child though and for a child to consistently know that is a huge positive thing in itself. Enjoy your sweet one... they grow so so fast:)

I don't think it's luck. Children all have different personalities and some are just more eager to please and laid-back than others. Don't discount your parenting. It's a two-way street. You have a great kid, and he has a great mom!

A little of both. :) I have twins, and one is way more difficult than his brother, and we're constantly having to "explain" him to others. Turns out he has sensory processing disorder. So, I know I am a good mom, but we got "lucky" that one boy is typically developing. And, we're lucky that my other son is responding so well to therapy. But, no matter what difficulties are going on, I feel so lucky that my kids are who they are in spite of me. They are amazing little human beings!!

My first son, 9, is a breeze. Oh my, he is so easy. My second son is SO HARD. He is happy as a lark one minute and then I have RUINED his day the next. It's like that EVERY SINGLE DAY with him. sigh. I actually think I am going to talk to his pediatrician about it. But, that's not to say that he is not well behaved. But I have worked to make sure that he understands what behavior is okay and what's not. And, for the most part, he doesn't care! My first son I can control with the "look" and my second just closes his eyes. Phew. I am getting tired just thinking about it!! And to think, I have a 13 month old girl too. Who knows what she is going to be like. Right now though, she is more demanding then either one of my boys.
L.

It's a little bit of everything!!

You go mama!!! Don't forget to tell them you think they rock!

I think both.
We feel we really lucked out with our son.
He's a smart, talented, funny, easy going guy!
I see some other kids and I thank the heavens we don't have to deal with what they put their parents through.
My husband tells me all the time he feels I do a wonderful job in connecting/guiding/mothering him but really our son gets along well with everyone.
(He was reading some study about how a strong mother/child bond makes a big difference in how they develop and grow and deal with peer pressure.)
My sister was such a difficult kid it was very hard on my Mom - it still is.

Probably both.
For example, my son has always been a great sleeper (with the exception of the crib-to-bed transition period!), so when you know you're going to get a good night's sleep, your outlook can be a little more optimistic.

I believe it is mostly (90%) your child's personality. Although I'm sure you are an awesome mom too!

I really don't know for sure. I feel like it's both, but more of ",luck" than anything. My two oldest, especially my son --who is 9-- is like such a good kid. Never gets into trouble at school. At home it's minimal. Few and far between are the times we chastise him and even then it's not a big deal. He's just a very calm and obedient child. My 7 year old daughter is sugar, spice and everything nice. Just a super sweet girl. Almost too sweet. Very much like me at that age before the cynicism of the world got to me. :) My husband very calm and thoughtful so I figured the kids got it from him. I'm not sure about the toddlers yet. They're only 2. We'll see what happens at 4 and/or 5. ;o)

Both. She even slept through the night from day one.

Our daughter was awesome until she started getting bullied and we tried to help her fix it. She now has anxiety. If I had put my foot down and put her in a better school sooner, she would not have anxiety and doubts right now. That is on us.

I think it is a combination of both!

I have 7 kids and only 1 out of that 7 is a bit of a handful, he was born that way too, so I feel I got very lucky!

I think it's really a bit of both. I believe many of us are born with a certain temperment and personality traits but how we are parented, and how those parents respond to those personality traits, makes a huge difference. I think my daughter is an awesome kid too, but she is very strong-willed and seems to have a more perfectionist, type A personality. And I think I have to be very firm with her and let her know exactly where the boundaries lie, otherwise with wishy-washy parenting, she could really rule the roost and spiral out of control. But at the same time, a parent with an extremely domineering and authoritarian approach would probably just make her act up and rebel more. In many ways she is nothing like me and she is a lot of work, but I love her spirit and her approach to life, and I know we are a good fit for each other, despite the differences. She may get upset about things but doesn't stay upset for very long, and I know kids who get upset about something and they are in a bad mood the rest of the day - DD just sees to bounce right back. I think Tigger is her "Spirit Animal!" I am sure that a lot of that is her personality but maybe some it is me too, and letting her feel what she wants to feel at the moment but also teaching her how to get over it and turn it around - in other words, how to be resilient. My challenge with her is channeling that strong-willed personality into something positive, that will pay off in a big way when she is an older kid and an adult.

I guess where push comes to shove is in school, and when she needs to listen to other adults, like her teachers. She does GREAT and the teachers and child care folks and her baby sitter love her! She NEVER gives them a hard time like she sometimes does with me, but I think that's because she knows I will love her no matter what. She just seems very secure and I know that comes from good consistent parenting. Just the other day her preschool teacher pulled me aside to tell me DD is the happiest, most well-adjusted kids she has ever seen! So I must be doing something right!