Parenting a Child with Divorced Parents

I think you have only 4 short years before she can say "screw you" and do ANYTHING she wants...

Personally my goal is to raise my kids to be able to do do all this stuff by whatever age they are:

http://www.new-life.net/growth/parenting/age-specific-res...

(oh and I think she is old enough to go to a fair... so long as she has a cell phone and knows that she can call her mom saying she feels "sick" or lie about a curfew if things get hairy...)

She went with the permission of her dad--I think you gave up influence over what he will allow her to do when you and he divorced. It's not your daughter's responsibility to ensure she's allowed consistent things at each home.

About carnivals, I thought they were super fun at that age, and didn't see the creepiness I can see now. Just tell her your concerns, remind her to keep her phone on, stay with her friends, don't go off with "new friends", don't go on rides that appear to be broken/getting fixed a lot, stay in well-lit areas, etc. If you punish and scold her, she just won't tell you next time dad lets her do something that you wouldn't have.

You honestly can't really punish her without making her even more mad at you. What you should have done is talk to her father and let him know how you felt about things and see if he agreed with you or not.
Granted she did go behind your back and go while with her father but lots of kids of divorced parents do this. That is why it is so important to have open communication with her father and you have a parenting plan you both are willing to enforce.
I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time something like this has happened and odds are it wont be the last. You just found out about it this time.
You can let her know you are disappointed that she did it but consequences aren't going to do much expect enforce that she wont talk to you about what she does while with her dad. She was on her dad's time so what he allows her to do is on him.

It's one of the hard parts of parenting through divorce. You need to learn to work together, and parent together. No matter what you think of each other, the two of you need to communicate frequently so that this sort of thing doesn't happen. You need to be able to back each other up. When you say no to something like this, give him a call and let him know that you said no. That way your daughter learns that she can't just go to the other one if she doesn't like the answer she gets.
I know it's hard. My oldest's father and I are divorced, and we end up talking to each other frequently, just to make sure that we stay on the same page on parenting issues. It's hard, though it's easier now than it was at the beginning. You just both have to keep reminding yourselves that because there's a child involved, you have to put your own feelings aside and deal with each other. Like it or not, you have a lifelong connections through your child, and you need to be able to work together for her best interests.

YAY! Here's the "fun" thing you get to do: (Sigh, I had to do it in nursing school)

Have her research "Fair Injuries" & "Roller Coaster Injuries" & "Carnival Deaths". A 5 page paper comparing and contrasting big parks with carnivals. With at least 10 sources.

Big amusement parks (Disney, 6 Flags, etc.) spend hundreds of millions making sure their rides are safe. Not only their design, but continuous maintenance and upkeep. They are incredibly safe, but accidents still happen. They are the EXTREME minority.

"Look, your dad can tell you that you can play with C4 in the backyard and eat bacon and cake for every meal, and take you to stripclubs, that's not the issue. When you're at his house, you're at his house. I'm not insisting EITHER of you agree with me. But you're going to do the research to UNDERSTAND my position. And why I made it. I don't just think to myself 'Lets ban something fun so Suzy will be mad at me.' I make tough calls. This being one of them."

You should only be mad at your ex and only if you told him how you felt about this. Even the children of married couples will go to the other parent in hopes of a different answer. If you didn't communicate your feelings about this to your ex then you should only be mad at yourself.

So far as trust issues go, again using married couples, do you consider it a lack of trust when the child goes to mom and gets a no and goes to dad and gets a yes? Nope, normal child behavior. Don't punish her because you got divorced, communicate better. I hate talking to my ex but I do when it is a matter of a no. My kids are normal, they will go after their dad for the same thing when they are at his house.

This is the hard part of being divorce... I don't think you need to punish her, she didn't do it at your house. Yes, she knows how you feel, but she didn't do it at your house. Secondly, you should be addressing her father about this. Now, he might not agree with you. But at least you have talked with him and he knows how you feel. You can't police at both houses, you are no longer married. You surely wouldn't like him to tell you how to parent would you?

Also, she was honest to you, so it's not that she was trying to hide the truth, you want to have an open relationship. Hopefully, your ex and you can come to some agreements on things dealing with her.

Good Luck, these are hard ages... I know, I've been through some of it already and still have many more to go...

First of all, she does not deserve to be punished...... that will only put a wedge further into your relationship with her. She is at the age where she wants responsibility and independence and she is old enough to do things with friends without mommy around.

You and your ex should be on the same page as far as how you parent and your expectations of each other. You continue to parent like this, she will learn how to play each of you to her benefit. You daughter is not stupid, she knows when you and ex are arguing about things like this and she will use it to her advantage.

It is not easy being a child of divorce because the family as you knew it and loved is forever broken and you now split your time and are torn between 2 families.

She is 14 and you can't keep her under a rock all her life. You do have to have trust and let go. Trust that you have taught her well.

Keep your lines of communication WIDE open with her. Let her know your fears and listen to what she has to say as well. Treat her with respect and you will most likely receive respect in return.

Good luck, it is hard enough raising teens as a married couple and it gets much harder as a divorced parent.

You are bang out of line. Why would you punish your daughter over something your ex did? Makes no sense. She's a teen and wants some independence. As far as we know, she's a good kid in other areas.

14 is old enough to go to a carnival with friends. Or hang out by the pool with friends. Or go to the mall/movies with friends.

Unless you and dad agree on the ground rules, this is going to be an on going problem. It is reasonable for her to follow your rules while at your home and his rules while at his. While I understand where you are coming from and would feel the same, you and dad need to have a meeting of the minds and discuss where you both stand on some of the hot button items. Realize that you won't agree on everything but maybe you can agree on some of the more important issues.

You should also talk to your daughter together and explain that if one of you have already told her "no" then she MUST tell the other one that mom or dad is against it when she comes for approval...just as she would if you were still together. Dad can't even attempt to enforce something he doesn't know about.

here is what sucks about being a divorced parent. You can ONLY control what goes on at your house. =( Don't punish your daughter for something her dad let her do. You could talk to her about why you felt uncomfortable with heer going alone and ask her about her experience, but that is it. If you felt strongly enough you should have communicated to her father that she asked and you said no. hopefully he would have gone along with your wishes but this is a typical teen thing to do even with married parents.. it's mom said no so I'll go ask dad.
My ex and I have very different parenting styles and when my kids ask about it i tell them daddy's house has rules and mommy's house has rules and while they are at my house they follow my rules. Good luck I have a 14 yo teen daughter and they are not easy!

I think that you and her dad need to get on the same page ASAP. Don't put her in the middle of what is really a parental communication failure. If you know she's itching to do something, TELL HIM that you already said no. If he overrides you, then that something for you and him to sort out.

If you punish her for this, you're just setting her up for using his house to do everything that she wants to do that you won't allow at your house, and she'll just not tell you. Circumvent that problem by proactively talking to her dad about things in advance (and vice-versa...encourage him to give you a head's up when he thinks he's being played or that she's using your house to make and end run around the rules at his house).

ALL kids resort to the "if mom says no, ask dad" theory eventually.

I think your Ex should have consulted with you before making the decision to allow her to go. He should get the consequences, not her. OR if he DID ask, "does Mom let you?" and she said "Yes" then THAT's another story....

Don't punish her. I don't think you even have a right to be angry with her father. His house, his parenting, and he trusted her. So are you angry because your daughter behaved as a normal teen asking to go do a normal teen activity? Because her father trusted her? Because he parents differently? Different isn't always bad. Especially if it means he's showing her well earned trust AND SHE SHOWED THAT IT WAS WELL PLACED TRUST. Do you trust her father to make good parenting decisions? Or do you trust him only when he agrees with you?

What exactly are you punishing her for? She wasn't defiant.

The rides have to be up to state law codes and are inspected daily. The attendants can't be impaired and take their jobs seriously. These days the fairs and carnivals are patrolled by police officers and security guards. If they do anything wrong, the rides get shut down and they lose money. If that happens, they lose their reputation and they lose even more money.

My son isn't that old yet, but I have made a point to discuss parenting and rules with my ex husband regularly to make sure we are keeping up similar expectations and consequences. We work hard to keep things close to the same at both houses and we make a point to get along and also, let my son KNOW that we communicate about these things, so he knows he can't just slip something by us, since we talk.

That being said, not everything is ever going to be exactly the same at both homes. And I must agree with previous posters that you can't really interfere with what happens in the Dad's home other than, talk to your ex, calmly, about why it bothers you and try to reach a compromise for the future. REALLY try to listen and understand your ex's Point of View, even if you don't agree, and try to stay calm. Also, talk to your daughter about why this felt sneaky to you and reiterate what worried you about the safety.

I also, personally think a 14 should be able to go to a carnival/fair, but only with an adult in attendance. The adult can back off, not hover, but stay close if needed, supervise enough to make sure the teens aren't drinking or whatever. Maybe a trustworthy couple can go with the teens.

Punishing your child will just make her close up more. Maybe warn her that next time she sneaks something by when she's at her Dad's like that, without at least informing you or having her father call and discuss it with you when she knows its something you don't want her to do, then there will be a consequence, ie: grounded for a week, or whatever you choose. Make sure you are showing approval when she makes good choices or talks about things with you, also!

Of course, I don't have a teen yet, so maybe you tried all of this and it didn't help, LOL. I'm just going on my own history of being a child of divorce, and how I communicate with my ex, even though my son is younger. Good luck!