Overworked and "Underpaid"

Hi T.,

I totally can empathize with you! Although my husband does work full time, so it isn't the same situation, his days off are Wednesday and Thursday. Our son is in pre-school full time, so he has those two days completely to himself. I, on the other hand, am home Saturday and Sunday with my only free moments coming at "nap time." Reaching an agreement about which household chores each of us should be responsible for has been a challenge (to say the least).

Having worked through this (at least partially) I'd like to offer this advice:

Sit down together sometime when you are not already mad about it and make a list of the adult family responsibilities. Next to each one jot down the time each requires on a daily or weekly basis (ie 1 hour/week or 30 mins/day or 8 hrs/day). Be sure to include earning family income and caring for your son (maybe broken up into portions of the day)on your list. Then go through the list and assign each responsibility to one or the other of you.

Hopefully making the list will help you each understand and aprreciate what the other does and help even things out where they are unfair.

hope this helps,
T.

T., this must be very difficult for you. I am going to ask you one question. What type of role model is the Dad providing to your son? Your primary responsibility is to the health and upbringing of your son. What type of lesson is he learning from his father. Try to objectively read your own posting and listen to your heart. Is he also living in your parents house?? Sit down with your parents and ask them to trouble shoot with you on childcare if you separate. If you do, then you will need a attorney to help you get child support and health care coverage for your son. You need to do what is best for you and your son. Good luck.

What reason does Dad have that makes him unable to work? To me it sounds like "Dad" thinks he is a babysitter and not a parent. Tell him if he wants to continue living "rent free" he needs to contribute in other ways and give him the consequences if he doesn't follow through. Also he shouldn't be having friends over if it interfers with the care of your son.

And as for CPS I feel for you its a shame the doctors didn't try and come up with a treatment plan instead of reporting you. My daugher who is 17 goes there and they have been nothing but helpful and in fact I credit them with saving her life during stupid phase she went through @ 14.

I would tell the doctors that they need to come up with a treatment plan that works with your sons health problems. And that its the only way you both can get his health care taken care of.

I hope I'm not coming off too judgmental, I just really hate it when fathers think that when they have the child(ren) they are babysitting until you the parent comes home. If they are sticking around why then are they not taking full advantage of the gift they helped bring into this world.

OK off my soapbox.

W.

Let us know what happens.

T.,
I am really sorry to hear of your difficult situation, but it seems to me like there is a lot you can do to take control of it and make the necessary changes to do what is best for your children. You have two boys. I think you need to ask yourself some very honest questions. Is it the best thing for your 15 year old to not live with his mom and brother? Is it the best thing for your special needs 2 year old to be at home with a man of questionable character all day? I find it helpful, when making decisions, to ask myself what I truly think I should do, and not think about what anyone else says or what I think they are saying or thinking. I go with my gut and heart and am honest with myself and that usually gives me peace of mind that I have made the right decision for myself and my family. I think if you do that and if you also put your children first (which is where they belong once you become a mother), you will make the right decisions. Good luck.

Hi T.,

I don't have advice about your boyfriend, I suspect you have a gut feeling - follow it, it is always right.

Regarding the CPS issue - I was a social worker with the Regional Center for many years in No. & So. Cal, and had families is your same situation. Keep a daily log of your child's feeding, meds, all issues with GERD (any reflux, vomiting, etc.). Calls to the Dr., consult with other sources regarding his needs, bring this with you to Dr. appts. Sometimes it is impossible for parents to recall all that they have done between visits, and Dr.'s can mistake this for "neglect". Failure to Thrive is serious, and needs close monitoring by parents and Dr.'s. Remember, even when you are feeling at a loss for what is going on with your son - you are the expert on your child - don't let any professional make you doubt that.

Blessings to you and your family.