Overwehlmed Full-time Working Mom

I worked full time and was a single parent most of my daughter's life. You do what you have to do to pay the bills, and enjoy the time you have off.
No one ever said that having a job and being an adult would be all fun, or even more fun than drudgery.
If you have a spouse and he isn't pulling his share of the load at home, make him.
When I was married, we both worked. And because we both walked on the floors, we both swept and mopped. Because we both ate, we both cooked and washed dishes. Because we both wore clothing, we both did laundry. Because we both shat and showered, we both scrubbed bathrooms.

When I start to feel that way, I schedule a fun activity on the weekend or week night to mix things up. I have a post-it that says "The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end that's all there is."

I look at that and then plan something to do with the kids or by myself, if I can break away. We just took a few days off and left town. Even with that short trip, I feel like I made some great memories and got to get away from the routine. Take the kiddo and get out and explore, take a walk, go to a museum, whatever you can find that will break up the days. It helps! Staying active helps me too. If I'm learning a new sport with the kids, I feel young and alive. :)

First of all, you are a FAMILY, you are not the maid or the cook.

Everyone in this family needs to pitch in.

If your husband is completely clueless, full of excuses etc, it really is time to have a sit down and calmly discuss that you need help.

Men are not subtle. You will need to be very calm and direct about what needs to be done to allow you to have some down time.

What is the one chore that is hard for you to keep up with? Start off with that. Tell him that you can no longer prepare every meal. That 2 days a week, he is in charge of getting dinner onto the table. And mom, do not complain about what it is. Encourage him to make it healthy, but accept whatever it ends up being. Grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup and some raw veggies is just fine as a dinner. My husband is a very good cook, s I would ask him "what will you need for your dinner Saturday and Sunday nights? "or "Daughter says she would like for you to grill 'your"chicken fajitas' on Saturday night for us.."

In our home it became the laundry. I just could not manage the laundry. My husband took it over and now does the most amazing job getting things washed dried and folded! In the beginning, I separated the clothing the way I wanted them to be done. I gave detailed instructions and explained why it needed to be done certain ways. Over time he got the hang of it. Daughter and I praised him a lot.

He has always been a very good cook. On the weekends he makes a lot of the meals and as our daughter got older, she was the one that prepared a few meals a week also. Now when our daughter is home, I hardly have to be in the kitchen.

There is more you get the deal.

The other thing is that I know when we work full time we miss our family, then we get home and just want SOME time alone. Figure out how this can happen.

Maybe your husband can watch your child outside each evening while dinner is being prepared. When he cooks, you take your child outside.

On Saturday mornings so you can sleep in? He can get up and make breakfast for your child and take your son to the park? On Sunday you do the same for your husband.

Join a book club. Go to the meetings. Have some fun. I have a friend that likes to go to the movies. She would go to the independent movies by herself after dinner. Her husband would get the girls ready for bed and do the bedtime ritual on his own.

IF you cannot get him to understand your words, consider marriage counseling. It is worth your time and your money. Communication is amazing. It will save your marriage. It may only take a few sessions to learn how to speak and listen to each other.

I promise it gets easier as your child gets older. He can help. He will have his own duties.

1. Ask for help.

2. Not everything is a priority.

3. You're not old. Shut up about that. 30 and your youth is fading? Just stop it.

If you need help, you need to ask for it. Your husband is not a mind reader. Just like you are not a maid or cook. Sit down with him with your favorite beverage after the kid is in bed. Tell him you need his help. You need him to take over the bedtime routine or cooking dinner once or twice a week or if he can do a load of towels. Whatever. Start small and don't overwhelm him.

One thing that worked well for me and my husband was we agreed that every Saturday, I could sleep as long as I wanted. He would get up with the kids, get them breakfast, take them to the park. And I would get uninterrupted sleep. He got to sleep in on Sunday. Obviously, there were weekends where this did not work, but for the most part, this is what we did. It helped tremendously.

Another thing is my husband does the grocery shopping. He loves to clip coupons, and I do not. I do the menu-planning (mostly from the sale flyer) and list (which is in order by aisle). I post a menu for the week on the fridge. I also use our crockpot a lot.

And lastly, my husband is responsible for getting the kids bathed and to bed. Our kids are teens and tween now, but he will still sing to the younger two, which they find hilarious, but I don't think they'll ask him to stop any time soon.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

I work full-time and have three kids, ages 10, 8, and 7. I just turned 31 in March...so I feel your pain. Honestly, I stay very involved in my kids lives and that helps a lot. They keep me feeling young :).

As far as cleaning, all 5 of us work together for that. The kids have weekly chores and my husband and I do the big stuff. If he didn't help, no way would I deal with that.

For cooking, we use the crock pot a lot and we really pre-plan. I have to know the night ahead of time what dinner is the next night so I can take meat out, prep crock pot stuff, etc. I plan for 10 meals every two weeks, because we always have leftovers.

Shopping - my kids come with me. It's a fun challenge for them. They all know to look at prices and quantity and even my newly turned 7 year old can find the best deal. Last time I went to the grocery store, my 10 year old took the cart to one end and I took a cart to the other end, we met in the middle and cut our time in half. She's extremely mature and smart, and we shop on a Navy base, so I don't worry about her - plus the store isn't that big. But they love to come and help find what we need, help plan the meals, etc.

My job is important because it funds everything else we do. It also keeps me sharp. I love my job. But I love it mostly because I have amazing supervisors who know my family comes first. If I can't travel (international) they don't make me go and there is no backlash. Even last week we just went to DC, only an hour away from me, and my boss said if I had trouble with sitters to stay home, no big deal. Love it! They are also super flexible with my time in the office, so that helps a lot too.

You need to find a rhythm that works for you and takes into account being a working mom. Staying at home requires some kind of rhythm too - even if it's to be 100% flexible....you just have to know what's coming. At least that's how I stay afloat and happy.

Make time for you too - find something you like to do. I LOVE photography, and my kids make the perfect subjects. So I get to do something I love and they are involved. I also really enjoy to read. So they know if I've got a book or my Kindle, to let me be. You just need to set some boundaries. But first and foremost, sounds like you need to get your husband to help out.

I work full time as well and have a 9 year old. I went back to work when she was 11 weeks. Try to plan your meals, use a crock pot, do cooking on the weekend and freeze things. Do all your grocery shopping once a week and do your cleaning that same day. We're not church people, so my shopping, cleaning, and cooking day is Sunday. Putting it all on one day makes for a busy day but the rest of my week is easier!

You need to sit your husband down and tell him what you need.
If he won't help with household chores, hire a cleaning lady and make him write the check.
Plan out your week and your menus.
We decided a long time ago that I would stay home with the children. I would handle the house, the children, the laundry, the shopping, and anything that required sitting and waiting like car or home repairs. He handles the yard and the cooking - although I handle all cooking for big events, all baking, and all food we have to take to somewhere else.
Now that the children are in college, I work very hard to keep a clean house at all times, keep the laundry caught up, and still do all the volunteer work we both enjoy. Communication is the key... We talk, email, and sometimes leave notes on the counter. :)
Whatever works!
So - sit down, talk it out. Tell him what you need. Find out what he needs. Communicate, and it will be so much better.

Try cooking 1 day a week instead of every night. I cooked Sunday and then we just heated up things, tossed a salad or cooked some veggies and dinner was good to go. I also found it easier for me to clean something every day instead of spending the weekend doing nothing but cleaning. Same with laundry. It was easier to run a couple loads a few times during the week than spending the weekend doing it.

Do something for yourself every single day. Take a walk at lunchtime to get out and clear your head. Do a yoga tape after kiddo goes to bed. Learn a new language. Read trashy novels.

Mostly just know that when you work and have young kids you do tend to fall into a routine. It's just easier but it doesn't have to be boring. You can't count on anyone to supply happy in your life. It's all on you.

I think the issue is DH who is 'not helping very much'. He should not be helping. He should be sharing - EVERYTHING. You need to sit down and talk with him about how things need to work. Sharing everything doesn't mean you need to split every individual thing down the middle. But it does mean that both labor and mental labor/planning/scheduling need to be shouldered in a fair and equal way. So, DH and I share housework (and we have a cleaning lady every two weeks which is also something to consider). I HATE emptying the dishwasher and he gets allergy attacks when vacuuming. So, he does puts away all the dishes, I vacuum (less now that we have the CL). We both clean bathrooms. We both cook and shop. He who cooks that night does not have to do the dishes.

You will have more time to spend enjoying with your child when you are not doing everything yourself.

Your husband should not be taking care of your child one night a week. He should be doing the bedtime routine half the time. He should be playing with your child everyday, just like you do. The more he does, the easier it will get for him.

Please DO NOT give your husband a list of responsibilities. When you do that, you are assuming ALL the responsibility for task delegation. This is a HUGE drain of energy and should/must be shared. Divvy up who will be responsible for this also. I make our son's doctor's appointments and schedule summer camps. He takes care of scheduling activities during the school year and making sure insurance and medical bills are taken care of. He is in charge of Sunday school (we each drive sometimes) but he remembers to enroll, keeps track of start dates, vacations, etc.

I had a family meeting and informed my family I was not the family servant. I assigned jobs to hubby and promptly forgot about those jobs. If HE doesn't do them they do NOT get done. Because if I do them for him even one time he'll figure I'll do them every time.

Hubby does the dishes, the trash, and outdoor stuff. I do not want to mow.

He may not do the dishes every night but I'm okay with that. he goes in to eat breakfast and is faced with dirty dishes and he ends up putting them in the dishwasher before eating. He learned by consequences. If there are no consequences for his lack of action then he won't comply and learn.

I think that as women we're taught from a very young age, the first time we pick up a baby doll and play mommy, that we are supposed to take care of everything. That we're not good mommy's if our house isn't immaculate.

That's a fallacy in our day and time. We have to work to pay the bills alongside our spouses/mates/partners.

We are not servants in our own home and we do deserve time to read a book, watch TV until we're mindless blobs on the couch, go out with a friend and have a good gossip, etc...we should not be chained to our homes cleaning up after people who literally think everything will be done for them again and again and again because we ALLOW them to treat us like this.

If both partners are working there is also no reason to not have someone come in and do the deep cleaning once every week or every other week. Really. Spending $100 per month to not have to run the vacuum or mop or dust or clean the windows/window frames, etc...is worth it.

Not saying you can't have them a couple of times per week but at least once per month would make you feel so much better.

Unless you can get hubby to do that for you.

There are always people out there who are at the point they'll work for anything just so they can buy food for their family or pay for a tank of gasoline so they can look for a job. Advertise on FB, post on your page or a FB page for your town and post you have some light house cleaning for someone and you can pay $50 for a few hours of work. I bet you have several people begging to come do it.

It gets easier in a way when your child gets older. Those younger days really can be monotonous and taxing. I was a single mom until my oldest was 5 and I remember that for a long time, it felt like I was just grinding it out for months at a time...get up, get myself ready for work, get a stubborn, small person ready for daycare, pack lunches, snacks, the daycare bag, my briefcase, purse, load everything into the car, buckle him in, bring him to daycare or my mom's house, go to work, leave work, pick him up, dinner, bath, books, bed, zone out and watch TV, pick up the house, collapse in bed, do it again.

The reality is that for those first few years, you do lose a bit of yourself but it DOES come back. I literally had no one to help other than when I was at work (which of course was a huge help) but you do have a husband and he SHOULD be helping. The workload will probably never be split 50/50, but if it's more out of balance than 60/40 or 70/30, it's time to change some things up. If he would rather be home with your son in the evenings, then put him in charge of baths, books and bed several nights a week (or every night). If he'd rather not do that, then he can go grocery shopping one night and run errands another, or do laundry, or make lunches, etc. and you can actually do something you want to do, like go to the gym or for a run or whatever relaxes you.

The balance in my household really changed when I got a second job. My youngest was about a year old and the other kids were 3 & 9...it's been 7 years and we just divide and conquer. I always have the morning routine because I can go to work whenever I get there and my husband has to leave at 7 AM. But for evenings, it's anything goes. Tonight I'll go straight from the office to teaching and won't be home until 10. He'll come home and pick up one from lacrosse, drop one off at a friend's house, pick up another from the gym, cook dinner, clean up, supervise homework, and get them to bed.

Once your son is in school and has other activities in the evening, you'll find that your local social circle expands too and that makes having a life easier. I have been friends with a group of moms who started getting together for dinner one Friday a month when our kids were in 3rd grade...7 years later we still do. Through this circle of friends, I've met other friends with whom I run, bike, go to the garden club, volunteer, go away for a weekend, etc.

Also flylady.net is a great resource for plans on how to get things done during the week so that you have your weekends free to have fun and reconnect with family and friends. So check that out, put more responsibility on your husband to free yourself up to do at least one thing that you like to do (and don't feel guilty about it!) and know that it naturally does get better as they get older, it really does.

Take late lunches at work. That way the afternoon will go by faster. Try to climb the stairs or take a brisk walk for 15 mins or longer if you can. You need to get your endomorphs (sp?) pumping again.

Go to bed early and wake up early. You'll get a lot done when you are up and dressed for work at least an hour before your son wakes up.

Keep his toys to a minimum. Don't let him play with all his toys all the time. Separate them into different bins and baskets and let him play with one basket a day/week. Have him play in just one room of the house, so toys won't be everywhere.

Do one cleaning thing a day - Mondays bathrooms (keep bucket of supplies under each sink), Tuesdays dust, Wednesdays vacuum, Thursday laundry...I follow a similar schedule and it takes me about 1/2 hr a day and I'm not dragging supplies around with me as I clean. Have your son "help" you as you go, even if it means him sitting at your feet with a toy while you dust. That way you can still spend time with him and talk to him while you work.

Meal plan - for bfast, start with easy toaster meals like waffles and pancakes, move onto instant meals like oatmeal and grits, and then maybe you'll be caught up enough in a few weeks to start cooking eggs/sausage etc. For dinner buy a crockpot cookbook, pick the 1st recipe in each meat category, and write out your grocery list from just those recipes.

hth!

Take a class one night a week that is just for you - whatever suits your interests. Do you like gardening? Aerobics? Painting? Page through the catalog of the local community college, community center, etc, and see what appeals to you.

I know you are thinking - how can I have time to add another thing to my schedule? But here's the thing - your husband CAN take care of your child one night a week. He probably doesn't, because you are always there and you do it. But if you aren't there - he'll step up and do it.

And doing something that is JUST FOR YOU can really help you keep some of your own 'self' going through crazy phases of life.

(Also, if at all possible, hire someone to clean your house.)

A lot of people below have given you tips on how to change your circumstances. I like those ideas. If, however, you can't or won't change your circumstances, change your attitude.

Our boy is 3.5. We both work full time. During the work week, if I manage to lay eyes on him for a total of 2+ hours, its pretty good. He wakes at 7ish and is out the door at 8:30, I get home at 6:30, and he is in bed by 8ish. Once I recognized how scarce it was, I got to enjoying it. I choose to enjoy working (it is a privelege and a joy in this economy, plus it works my mind). I choose to enjoy cooking, cleaning and shopping. I do get exercise, chat with friends and go out with/ without hubs. Plus, every season affords us new opportunities for change and improvement.

Now for the nitty gritty on time savers-
1. we use a crockpot, we batch cook, we eat left overs, and do take out.
2. we use robots (the roomba and the scooba), we keep a tidy home, we don't invite clutter, and decommission stuff regularly (less to clean).
3. we use a cleaning service on occassion.
4. we divide and conquer. My husband does laundry and ironing, he runs the dishwasher, he does heavy jobs like scrubbing the tub.
5. We do online shopping for clothes and for groceries.
6. After DS is asleep, we spend 5 minutes prepping his lunch, school bag and clothes for school. I lay out my clothes too. Hubs preps the cofffee pot.

come 8:30, the night is our own, we have a glass of wine, chat about work, take in the news, watch something mindless on netflix, call/ skype friends, or have some adult fun.

This weekend, we'll be taking DS to language school, Tae Kwon Do, and going out to a himalayan restaurant with an old colleague/ friend. Hubs will be assembling DS's bike and we'll join some friends for a ride through the park. Plus, we will plant some flower boxes.

Best,
F. B.

I can hear the desperation here. I often feel the same way at home, with 6 little ones.
I do cooking and cleaning ALL DAY LONG. That's 40 hours at least.

I am lost in it all for sure.

Why are you bored? Look deeper and find the answers, then go from there?