Over Stressed (MIL, GMIL, Marital Issues)

EDIT: Based on your updated information, I would say you probably just need to deal with it. If MIL works full time to help support your family and keep a roof over your head, well then you're stuck. Take some control over your "job" and talk with MIL and DH to set-up some ground rules and structure. GMIL MUST follow certain rules for sanitary reasons and that is not optional. If you can't lift her, she needs to be in the wheelchair. If she can't help with toileting, then easy-on/off clothing only. Come up with some general arrangements that you can all agree to and then chat with GMIL. When DH and MIL get home, they need to pitch-in so that you can have some "off time" as well. Look into some no-cost activities that you could do with your little one to get you both out of that situation regularly! The local public library is a great place to start.

Caring for an elderly person is much harder than caring for a small child, in my opinion. I am watching as my SIL tries to care for her MIL with Alzheimer's b/c she refuses to "allow" someone else to care for her MIL- meanwhile she's doing a half-assed job at best b/c she doesn't have the skills to do so. It sounds like your MIL is quite similar.

If possible, find a job and start putting $$ away so that you and your family can move out of the house faster. You are in a tough spot here b/c you are so dependent on your MIL for financial support that the only way for you to make the situation better is to make yourselves more $$ independent and unavailable. If you're working (which she can't really complain about), you aren't going to be the one responsible for GMIL. If you are able to find a few houses to clean or a child to watch in someone else's home you could likely bring your little one. See if you can find reasonable childcare or work different hours that your husband.

Help in as many indirect ways that you can: laundry when needed, housecleaning, make meals and make "freezable extras", etc. Show her that you want to help with the household b/c you live there too, but you are not a home health aide, nor are you an nurse.

Sounds to me like you're feeling obligated to do all that stuff because you are 21, have a child, living in your in law's house, no job, immigration issues and have no money because your husband is the only one working and is trying to finish school. You have couple options

1. Talk to your husband/boyfriend and get him to find an apartment of your own.

2. Have your husband talk to his own mother and express how you feel about the situation OR talk to your mother in law yourself and explain that you are not able to do that stuff while raising a one-yr old and you do not think it is your responsibility to take care of her mother.

3. Suck it up as the reality of your current situation and make the best of it until you can do better.

4. See if another member of your MIL's family can chip in.

You have a choice and unless you make one, you will continue to be stressed.

You need your own apartment and space for your family. While we all want to help family members sometimes we just need professional help. Your GMIL needs hospice care and it is not fair to you at all. Obviously it is taking time away from you being a mother to your daughter. What are the immigration issues? Are you waiting for a work permit or green card for yourself? If so how much longer will it take? Can you get something part time? There are other things you can do....Get an apartment and take on some babysitting jobs where you get paid and can care for your daughter.

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She may not be able to hear you. Is it possible to get a part time home health aid? Your HUBBY (his family - primarily his responsibility to lead the solution here), MIL and you have to sit down together and figure this out for the benefit of your GMIL and your baby. A few hours of help at home could do wonders for you all.

The grandmother should be able to qualify for some kind of help. She is not capable of caring for herself so you should be able to get a home health aide to come into the home and help her with basic care on a regular schedule. Sometimes it's an hour or two a few times a week, sometimes it's every day, depending on her level of disability. In Massachusetts, if a family member is providing care, the state will pay the family member the same stipend that they would pay to a home health aide to offset the cost, in terms of time and money, of caring for the patient. Google Senior Services for where you live. There should be a council on aging or some other group in your area that can help connect you to the services that she needs and will help you as a family navigate the system. Once you have some extra help in place, that should alleviate some of the stress and burden that you are carrying.

Wow, you have a LOT on your plate and you are a beautiful person to handle it so well.
I also like the idea of getting Medicare to assist with a home health aide.

I don't know if you could handle this but could you get another child in to babysit? You'll get some cash and you're already in the house with your child.

Also, working in retail doesn't pay well. While I see how devoted your husband is to you and the family, he may want to try and get a better paying job.

Life is all about learning, you are learning so much. You MUST give yourself some time to breathe too or you will crack. Even if it's a 10 minute walk around the block alone.
Money being tight is difficult. Are there ways to save money? Do you need that cell phone (if you have one), do you need cable tv? waste of money and instead check out movies and tv shows from the library, they are free.
Don't buy disposable diapers, they are toxic, bad for the environment and expensive. Get some cloth diapers, much much cheaper and you can save them for baby number 2. :)
Healthy, inexpensive foods like brown rice, beans and veggies for all your meals, NO processed foods. This saves a fortune and very healthy.
Good luck and remember, there will be an end to this. Cherish the time with your baby...

Can you get another family member to come and help or give you a break?
Can your husband quit school right now? It's a very stressful time in your home w/his famiy so maybe, just maybe, he could put off school for a bit.
Can you afford to have someone come to the house to help a few hours twice a week?
When your hubby is home, can you get away for an hour? Not too long...so you don't miss your baby but just long enough to give your mind and body a break. You could go to the gym, sit quietly a book at the library, go to a park, go to Starbucks.
Give up some of the cleaning so you don't burn yourself out. Only do what is necessary, cooking, bathrooms, kitchen, laundry. Maybe you could pay a trusted teenage neighbor to help wash dishes, do laundry and vacuum.

Honestly, you sound like the best daughter/granddaughter-in-law ever!

I don't have any advice really.

I just want to wish you the best. You sound like a very giving, caring person, and at such a young age. Really the best traits for a Mom.

Your inlaws (husband included) are VERY lucky to have you in their family.

I hope the situation is as temporary as possible. But I also believe what comes around goes around, and you will be rewarded for your obvious patience and generosity!

:)

Wow, Leeah. I can't even imagine the stress that you are under. I have so many thoughts here! My first thought is to try and make little changes that will make a big difference, giant changes (GMIL going to a home, you being able to work, moving out, etc.) don't sound likely, so stick with the small. First, do a google search for non-profits in your area that help out with respite care. I don't know how FL is, but where I live there are agencies that, assuming you qualify, will provide different services- mostly for free. They may come and watch GMIL for a couple of hours, might help clean, cook, etc. There are usually lots of different options for this, do a thorough search. Again, even if they just give you one hour off per week to take your baby to the park, it's something to look forward to and give you a quick sanity break.

You are in a tight spot because you live with MIL, so she gets to call the shots on what happens with her mom. However, you get to call the shots on your family. MIL can and should expect your help with cleaning, cooking, shopping, normal household stuff. But diapering her mother? Not reasonable. You may need to all sit down and have a conversation about boundaries and the division of labor. Be very frank with MIL- you appreciate all she is doing for you, and you know that this is stressful for her as well. But everything going on, especially with GMIL, is taking a toll on you and your ability to raise your daughter. Perhaps more of a shifting of responsibilities would help. Maybe you do 100% of the cooking in exchange for not running after GMIL, things like that. Even if it just comes down to an agreement where little changes except you take two afternoons per week to leave and just be with your daughter, you need SOMETHING.

I do believe that you should help, and I know that you are (more than anyone your age should be). But you can't burn out now. You will be bitter about the quality time lost with your daughter, and then what happens when MIL gets older and needs help? You'll have nothing left for her.

Hubby may not be able to change much due to work and school, but he does need to appreciate and support your issues, and hopefully come up with a solution. I will tell you that I was married at 19, my hubby was 20. We had no kids and no MIL/GMIL issues like you do, and I know how tough just that was trying to work and go to school. I really worry that if you don't get some relief, you both will suffer. God bless and good luck. Oh, speaking of God- maybe check with a local church for some help??

you're in florida so there is a good chance there is an adult day health care center in the area. medicare will pay for adult day health care. this would get her out of the house for 2-5 days a week, 6 hours or so a day. ADHC's have therapists, nurses, social workers,all there to help you and her. they often provide rides to and from the program. call your counties senior services dept. and find out !

tell your MIL this is too much for you due to having your child home full time. She needs to look into getting a home health aid/cna and your MIL needs to get off her butt and help you too when the CNA isn't there!

Talk to your husband about it first and get him to back you up.