Hello Mamas! I thought I was doing the right thing by taking my stepdaughter to the Giving Tree. The Giving Tree is where you select a person (grown-up or child) who is less fortunate and you buy them Christmas presents. I thought by letting her pick a person and helping to select gifts, I could teach her the true meaning of Christmas and also that there are less fortunate people than ourselves in the world and they deserve a good Christmas.
Well, when we got to the tree and she saw the names, she said "we don't need to buy them gifts, Santa will bring them gifts." I didn't know what to say! So I said "well, Santa needs our help." And she said "Santa doesn't need our help! He bought me a Wii and an American Girl doll so he doesn't need any help!" So I said "well, there are lots of poor people in the world, and they deserve a good Christmas." But she insisted again that Santa would bring them whatever they wanted.
I felt cornered so I came up with "Well, Santa gets money to get gifts for kids from the parents. So the parents of poor children can't give Santa much money. This is where he needs our help."
She sort of bought it, and we selected a name.
When we came home she asked her dad about what I said BEFORE I got a chance to talk to him alone and he denied it! He said Santa brings gifts to all the little girls and boys of the world because he loves them.
When I did tell my husband what I said, he didn't like it, he thought it was dumb. I think we're at the tail-end of believing in Santa anyway, at this point we're just pushing the questions away with a "if you don't believe, you won't receive." My husband is upset at the way I handled it and my stepdaughter is now doubting the whole Santa thing. What should I do??
Thanks everyone! I wish there was a big book that told parents what to say! I thought of a dozen great answers I could have given--after the fact!
I talked to my husband about it again and he said not to worry about it. It looks like she still believes this year, and next year I'm pretty sure the game will be up. I'm actually glad, because I do think it's time for her to start focusing on the giving part of Christmas not the big, expensive Xmas list for Santa. I take her shopping for her dad, grandparents and even her mom. No one else ever did, and no one else does now. I'm also going to look for other volunteer opportunites for her. Our church does not have a youth group or youth activities so maybe starting a youth group is a good way for me to start!
I told my kids that the giving tree toy was to be from their parents because THEY couldn't afford to get a gift for them.
I told my 4 year old that there are kids that don't have homes and Santa can't leave them presents since he doesn't know where they live. He seemed to buy it. I think.
You should reinforce the idea of Santa giving gifts to all the children. What you should clarify for her is that she gets gifts from Mommy, Daddy, Aunties, Grandparents, friends, etc. but some poor children don't have aunties or uncles who can afford to give more gifts and that is how you are helping.
When I was growing up my parents had any toys be from Santa, and other necessities, like scarves, hats, blankets, robes, etc. be from the family. When we pick our Giving Tree family, I make sure to choose one that is looking for the necessities, not just the toys so that I can make it fit with our family's paradigm of Santa. (I have also gotten some with toys, but I sneak those off the tree and shop for them separately and wrap them in secret so the kids don't see that I have bought a toy for the Giving Tree.)
It's like you said "the tail end of the whole fantasy". Your answer did sort of suck, I dont think I've heard of anyone giving money to Santa for the poor kids, lol---- but I totally understand that you were under pressure from a 9 yr old and you were trying to figure out something to say... so don't feel bad. Ask Dad what he would have said under that prosecution and then you go to stepdaughter and say "your dad reminded me that.........", and go from there. Don't fret about the fantasy being ruined, as with most of us we still believe no matter what anyone says ;)
We adopt at least one child from a local preschool where the kids are really poor. I get my two in on the buying and wrapping and giving. We always give our children presents and then Santa comes to see them, so I tell them the presents we're buying are going to be from their parents, because their parents don't have any money for presents this year (the lists from the children we adopt are 1/2 clothing and 1/2 toys totaling 6 or 7 things). You can also say that sometimes Santa chooses special helpers and it's a real honor. Santa leaves something very special for your family on Christmas to thank you for being special helpers.
This is exactly why in our house only one major toy is from Santa, the rest are from Mom and Dad, and other family members. Kids do need to know that not everyone gets whatever they want. Would it be too late to tell her that -- the truth is that most of the things you get are from us, Santa only brings one toy... so imagine how sad it is for those poor families who only get one toy? You may be at the tail end of Santa, but it sounds like she does still believe and you don't need to take all the magic away yet.
Don't beat yourself up about it. You tried to do your best. You took into account that she is not your biological daughter and you didn't want to be the one that ruined the Santa thing for her. You had good intentions with the Giving Tree and like most people who are backed into a corner, you panicked. You didn't have time to think about it. Your hubby had the benefit of having time to think about it AND I believe that he is covering up for himself as he unknowingly went against what you were saying. So, of course, to him, what you said was "dumb". If I were you, I would just lay low and let the Mom and Dad field the questions and continue with the "believe to receive" and if necessary change topics to "isn't this holiday season great?"
Good luck.
N
I say what's done is done and your husband needs to realize that at this age, they are questioning it anyway and that's why they start asking the hard questions. It could have been either of you at the receiving end of that line of questioning so don't feel bad. I bet he experiences something similar soon. Better that you and he agree on the story line and if you decide to keep Santa going you need to look at some of the ways other parents creatively explain the inconsistencies!
Let it go. Kids believe until they are ready to disbelieve. If your stepdaughter is ready to hear the "truth" she will pester you endlessly; if she still wants and needs to believe, she will drop the subject. Take her cue on what to do.
And Dad needs to lighten up. These kinds of situations happen all the time during the Santa years, and we often have to come up with spur-of-the- moment explanations. Why is Santa at this mall and the downtown mall simultaneously? How do reindeer fly?
And by the way, kudos on doing the giving tree!! That's the best lesson for her of all and your husband should appreciate that! (And I'm happy to share that my 18 year old daughter just did a giving tree gift all on her own initiative. So that early training works.)
Seriously, she will be fine.
Do not worry. Many children begin realizing something is up at around 8, so she is right on schedule..
You did your best in that situation.. Your husband will soon get caught in some type of sex question or "his past" question and will stumble over it.. It happens to us as parents all of the time..
I love that you all are participating in the Giving Tree.. That is such an awesome experience..
Ugh! I know what you're going through. I had to sit my 9yr old down last night and finally confirm what she's been asking about for a few months. She was asking too many questions in front of her 8yr old sister and 3yr old cousin (both of whom TOTALLY, COMPLETELY still believe in Santa), so in order to SHUT HER UP, I had to initiate her into the "Grownups Christmas Club". I'm not sure what else you could have told your SD when pushed into a corner like that. We've always had "Santa" only bring one gift per child and all the rest come from relatives. It IS hard to explain why Santa brings other kids SO MANY presents when they only get one. I've told them that I asked Santa to only bring them one, they don't need to be greedy, they get so much stuff from all their relatives. Maybe you could tell your SD that not ALL Christmas presents come from Santa, that sometimes people who are lucky to have enough to share with others do just that. I probably would have told her something like: "Well, SANTA can bring them whatever he wants, that's not really my business. But I want to share MY good fortune with others, so this is what I'M giving them. Don't YOU want to share with others this season, too?" But, really, I don't see the harm done with what you told her, I think most kids have figured it all out by this age anyway, and it's an easier transition for them if they have doubts for a while, then slowly learn the truth, versus going from completely believing to being told outright that he's not real (which is what would have happened to my 8rs old and 3yd old niece if my curious and persistent 9yr old had kept questioning me!).
You teach her that even though Santa brings gifts, it's the Spirit of not just receiving those gifts, but learning to give them as well and help others and that is what Christmas and Santa is about. Has she ever picked out and bought Christmas presents for her parents/relative/ friends at all? Does she receive gifts from anyone else, or do all the packages say Santa? That's why Santa only gives 2 or 3 gifts at our house, and the rest is from us. Have you ever talked to her about the reason or meaning of Christmas with her, or is it all just about Santa and getting gifts?
She is getting pretty old and won't be 'believing' in Santa for much longer. So instill in her the wonder of who he is, so even when she does stop believing, she can still have joy in the season and not feel like she was lied to.
Your husband really needs to just give it a break and be a grown up himself. She isn't a little toddler anymore and should be learning to focus on being grateful and charitable. It's better to transition the belief to a worthy cause than to let her down.
I would agree with Kate B. - tell her that Santa can only bring X number of toys (whether it is 1 or whatever) and parents provide the rest, but in some families parents can't afford all the nice things that your stepdaughter has been lucky enough to receive.
In the meanwhile, you should tell your husband that his daughter could not understand why poor families would need our help and you were just trying to teach her an important life lesson about charity, but you felt backed into a corner, and didn't have the time to think it through. Perhaps he should have a talk with her himself as well about the importance of giving and sharing with those less fortunate. And I would agree, at 9 years old she's getting up there in terms of still believing in Santa.
Another thought: maybe you could get them both on board with gathering up any toys she doesn't play with anymore and donating them to charity. Or even visit a homeless shelter with children in it so she can begin to understand a little better.
N.S.,
Don't beat yourself up. You didn't say such a bad thing. If your husband is really terribly upset you can talk further about it and explain you got mixed up. It's okay to make mistakes, and that's a great lesson to teach our kids.
Merry Christmas,
P.
Well maybe now is a great time to tell her the true meaning of CHRISTmas.
Wow. I am part of a mom's group and we just discussed this very thing! They have decided that when it is the time to "come clean" about Santa, they will explain it in a way that tells the child that now that they know, it's THEIR turn to be Santa for others. Essentially that there is a "Santa" in all of us. Is that a way that you could tell her, but still help her get the whole idea of sharing with others? Just a thought. I hope it helps...
Huh 9 years old and still thinks Santa is true.
Amazing.
Then why does mom and dad have wrapping paper at home.
Why do they go shopping around Christmas.
I think it's only about time that she would figure this out.
The whole idea behind the giving tree is wonderful, but you can be realistic too and tell it like it is.
I understand that you might not want to be the one to break the news, so why not let your husband pick up where you left it.
Why didn't he come along to do this by the way, if he as such strong opinions about the whole idea.
My dd just turned 9 this is her first year as a non-believing. It is just as well your SD has doubts. I have heard some kids at school making fun of the believers. If it does comes up at school she won't be not sticking up for Santa like she did with you.
tell her this, "There's something I have to tell you about Santa. Santa is anyone who secretly gives a present. So, sometimes I am Santa because I put something in the stocking or under our tree. Sometimes Daddy is Santa. And YOU can be Santa too! Would you like to go to the store and secretly pick out something for each stocking at our house?"
I did this from the time my girls were 4 and they LOVE it. Then after she agrees to that you can say, "Sometimes the real Santa needs some help, like I told you, and that is why we picked something off that tree, so WE could be Santa for that family."
PS - my girls figured out the Easter Bunny when they were 6 1/2 and almost 10 yrs old. We had them do a scavenger hunt to find the basket and when they got the last clue and the basket, my youngest looked at me, and smiled the biggest smile and said, "YOU are the Easter Bunny!! I KNOW it!" I asked her how she would feel if that were true and she said it would be so cool. Then she asked me if I were Santa (her sister asked too) I said of course, and you are too. They said "no, are you the real Santa?" and I said, "don't ask a question unless you want the answer. Are you SURE you want to know the answer?" They both said yes. So I told them, but had to clarify I was only Santa for THEM not everyone in the world, lol. They LOVED that it was me and Dad, and were not upset. In fact I got thank yous all over again for the past years of presents, and for being so clever in hiding it.
Last year was our first xmas where they knew and this year they asked to have Santa back instead of just mom and Dad being Santa. LOL. They wanted the magic of asking for ONE thing and getting that, but not knowing the rest. And my stocking already has stuff from them in it. I mean, from a Santa.
I agree with Kate B. When my husband and I got married we started the tradition that Santa brings 1-2 gifts and they are NEVER the coolest gift. Now that we have our little guy we will continue that tradition with the stipulation that it should be rather small for easier packing since we travel 10 hours each way for Christmas.
I think you blew it Mom. You over-explained it, and my children wouldn't have bought it either. Could you give to the poor with her another time of year? Once she is a non-believer, then have her start doing this. My children are cub scouts and they do good deeds throughout the year. If you insist doing these things during Christmas, you can participate without her for now. I still have a 10.5 year old that still believes because of his little brother. I say why take away that magic; because after that, Christmas is not as magical anymore. There is plenty of time for reality in their lives.
At my church growing up we had a similar thing called the "Christmas Wish Tree". My dad often helps with the distribution of gifts. Families would tell the deacons their specific needs (shirts, pants, etc along with sizes) and we would purchase it along with a toy or something similar appropriate for the child's age. We were always told to leave the tag on it blank so the parents could fill it in. I think I was told something along the lines of that way the parents could put it form them, since the parents wanted to give their children gifts, but couldn't afford to. Or perhaps I came up with that reasoning on my own! Not sure, it was a long time ago :) Either way, that reasoning still makes sense to me and if/when the subject comes up with my son I plan on using it. All parents want to be able to give their children gifts on Christmas, so we help them to be able to do so.
It sounds like the cold real world has ended it for her. She is right, how can she believe in Santa and understand why some families need help? May be time to have the talk.
Maybe, she would get into sending care packages to our troops. I think Dad wants to let Santa play this out as long as possible.
Merry Christmas!
J.
I say let it go. It short order, your daughter will believe that there isn't a Santa anyway. No use is explaining matters to her yet again. If she asks, you can flip the question around and ask, well, what do YOU think? And pretty much whatever she says, you go along with it.
I think that the morals learned from the Giving Tree are much more valuable than the Santa Claus one in my opinion. However the Santa belief is extremely supported in our society...I have been telling my four year old that Santa is pretend since her first Christmas...but she will still argue that he is real:) And I respect her logic at this age to believe in it, but I think because I can tell her that I think he is pretend, it opens up many other avenues of discussion. We have been talking a lot about how some families this Christmas won't have homes or places for presents ect...it is really sweet for her to try to work it out in her head why Santa can't visit. Some people might say that I am too honest with her, but those should think about all the kids in this country that will either be homeless or impoverished and BELIEVE in Santa because of our societal push, but won't get a Santa visit in any way whatsoever. Those parents have a much harder question and explanation to contend with. So, I guess I am trying to say-your daughter will be fine. It sounds like all her needs are met and she is a happy girl who is lucky enough to be able to give to others with her mama on projects like the Giving Tree:)
I'm sure you have got a ton of responses on this already but I wanted to offer this to you. I tell my kids that Santa has limited space in his sleigh so he only brings my kids one gift, the other gifts come from relatives. You may want to say that Santa only gives 2-3 gifts and the rest come from others. There is a website that you can go to to have Santa give a personalized message to your daughter - the catch here is that she has to send a letter to santa. Check this out www.portablenorthpole.com.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.
M.
I think it's Dad who has the problem here, not her or you. You were doing a nice thing, taking her to that and showing her what the real meaning of Christmas is -- giving to others and showing them love. I'm kind of surprised that at 9 she still believes Santa is real. She'll be getting teased at school pretty soon if she keeps believing.
I know it's too late for you, but at our house Santa only brought one gift (and Santa didn't wrap -- so the wrapping paper at our house never gave it away) and we focused on the real meaning of Christmas. Giving to each other was/and is a part of that. And that inluded helping others who were less fortunate. Santa was only a small part of our celebrations.
Does your husband realize she's 9? I think you're doing a good job trying to show her how to think of others. I think he needs to realize the Santa gig is just about up.
