Over Active Child

Hi - I found a reference to "Love and Logic" on a different blog and have used their techniques and they are very effective. Here's their website: http://www.loveandlogic.com/ The basic premise is that parents be firm but very loving with their children - and they have some very creative examples of how to work through issues with children.

Check out Love and Logic.com

I have found as a mother of 3, plus 3 step children, and foster children that Love and Logic is great.
It teaches children that they are responsible for their own actions.

Check out the local foster agency online and see if they offer that class, any one can take it and it is free.

You can also find tapes and books, but the class is wonderful!

My sister had to take care of her over active step sun. His mother put him on ridalin. My sister was great with him when he was young and she took care of him. He did good during the summer when my sister took all candy and surgars away from him and slowly weened him off of the rydlin.

I also found a long drive in the car was a great way to communicate. We sang to music we both liked and then we talked and I could ask questions without force. I think the long trips are the best. One on one lets them open up and ask you questions also.

T.,
Are you currently working? Have you tried a job at the school as a teachers assistant or aide? This way you can be at the school and try to witness any of the behavior? You could also pop into the school and just spratically see what is happening. I have a 10 year old and at times I have gone and had lunch with him at school to meet and see ALL his friends. I also have another son, 5 and since their ages are so different I have tried spending time alone with my 10 year old, we might for a coffee and hot chocolate at Starbucks or a quick lunch at McDonalds and just talk. That might allow you to get into his head. This way he doesn;t feel pressured by anything around him and I think it allows him to feel a little more grown up and honest with his answers.
Good Luck,
J.

I would be curious if your son has had discipline problems before this school year. If not, it may sound like there is definitely something going on at school and I would request the multidisciplinary team (comprised of the school counselor, administrator, his teacher, another teacher, special education teacher, and others that might be on the team per your school) to meet with you and go over some interventions or suggestions that they can come up with as a school to provide better service to your son. If it has always been a problem, take him to a child psychiatrist for an evaluation. I am a special education teacher, and while I agree that at his age, a lack of self control can be nothing more than a child with a lot of energy, combined with immaturity. However, I have also seen children who can only "force" themselves to sit and concentrate for just so long. For whatever reason, they don't have that ability and medication may or may not be the answer. Bottom line, some behavior interventions is in order. The biggest key is that no matter what the underlying problem is, his constantly getting into trouble can(and probably is) having a last impact on his social development, his self-esteem, and his learning abilities. I suggest you go with your gut instinct - you know there is enough of a problem to write for advice. Be a force in your child's school and seek an independent evaluation.

There are many routes to take. I understand your feeling of no meds, I felt that way once also. I am a mother of a child who was diagnosed with ADHD & who was on medication for 5 years, we have been through alot. He is now 12 and off meds.

First, you should get your child tested. That does not mean you need to put him on medication. That means you will know what you are dealing with, and know how better to treat the situation. You can try changing the diet, using behavioral techniques, and if those don't work you're left with meds. Pyschologists can be a big help in the behavioral techniques area.

Personally I think it is irresponsible not to deal with these issues. It will hurt your child in the long run. This means lots of conferences with the teachers and working with them. My experience is that works a whole lot better than fighting them. That does not mean meds vs no meds - but things like behavior contracts and following up on them. Also, kids like this, do get picked on (by kids and sometimes teachers). These kids social skills are not as good as other kids. It is imperative that you stay involved - its time consuming but very worth it. The child needs to understand about his behaviors, what is acceptable and what isn't. As they grow up, they learn more slowly than others, but they do learn.

BTW - the TV thing is hogwash.. my child was this way from day 1. I remember see is eyes dart back & forth as a baby and being on "high alert" at 2 months old. Other babies at that age, were not like that. Oh & these kids are highly intelligent - but they just need some help learning to deal with their overactive mind that isn't working the way it should. So, lots of love and understanding is very important. Also, they need structure. The busy lifestyle you describe could be making it worse for him also.

Take care & good luck!!

Hi T.,

First thing is to cut out as much processed food from his diet as possible. We went through this with our son, who is now 14, and he really reacted to the chemicals in processed food. He now eats very well and it was amazing at the change in his attitude and behavior when we made this simple step. I can always tell now if he eats a box of mac & cheese (which he can make when I am not home and working!) because his behavior changes and he is much ruder to me. Add in lots of fruit and raw veggies and you will be amazed at the difference!

Good luck!

C. H

I would watch in the class room. Just sit in the back and observe for a day or two and see just what he is talking about. Ask him how he feels picked on and get into major detail. Then if you find anything he is doing to bring this on point it out and ask if this could cause that. Also, before your confrence have him write down specific incedents so they know what you are talking about.
One of the easiest things you can do for his focus is give him something to focus on. Try a smooth stone and other small objects that he can keep in his left pocket or on a necklace and rub with his fingers. Play with different objects while he is doing homework and see what works. It needs to give his tactile sensation with out making noise. Alot of times just the ability to have something physical going on will split the attention just enough to sit still and realy focus.

I've heard on different news shows that they have found that changing the childs diet can improve his focus and reduce his hyperactivity instead of using medications. You might want to ask your docotr if he/she has any knowledge about the specific diet. It's not that strict from what I can remember. It just has you take certain things out of the diet.

I would recommend that you have him tested to see if it is ADHD. Understanding the types of behaviors he has doesn't mean you have to medicate him. If he is in fact ADHD, there are many resources out there to help him and you to deal with his behavior more constructively than ineffective punishments.

My son exhibits ADHD behaviors, but he is actually highly anxious. Addressing challenging sitations through the anxiety glasses is more effective than through the ADHD lense.
For example, he needs to sit still and decompress where the ADHD may need to run around the block with the dog.

You have three possibilities - a: he is being picked on, b: diet - or c: just a high energy kid. In the 70's it was common knowledge that kids fed things like Fruitloops in the morning became figety and unable to concentrate. The color can cause problems and so can the sugar. Another problem - a lot of boys are VERY active and have a lot of trouble sitting still in a classroom. Teachers, of course don't like that because they have to teach a class of 30 students. So they try to medicate highly active boys. That's why a lot of parents decide to homeschool. Boys have the hardest time in the classroom because they tend to want to be more physical than girls especially at 8.

You can check his diet, make sure that he doesn't have sugar, white flour, or any color in his diet - especially in the mornings. Cereal - unless it's oatmeal, or Muesli - something with unprocessed nuts and grains is junk food that is high on sugar and low on fiber. Also I looked at our school lunches Thursday and Friday when I met my daugter at school. The food is AWFUL! They say it's nutritios! I say BALONEY! They are fed highly process junk food that is very poor quality. (I tried their fish sticks - they were'nt even good enough for the family dog) That's why I have been making my daughters' lunches for the last couple of years. White Flour, Pizza, Corn Dogs - these are everyday fare. Waffles (white, of course) with ham? Yes, veggies are offered, but I didn't see one child eat the raw carrots. Try feeding his brain DHA (essential fatty acid) or fish oil.

Food is a BIG factor in helping their brains function properly. Also, they did a study and found that children who spend more than 1 hour of time in front of a screen -TV or computer- a day end up with ADD or ADHD. Make sure he spends a lot of free time doing active things and very little time in front of gaming or TV screens. TV has immages that change about every 3 seconds. So the child learns to be constantly stimulated. This is what causes the ADD.

God bless you and I hope you find a suitable solution outside of medication.

T., I know how you feel. My son is over active, anxious and has anxiety. He is not ADHD as we thought he was. He is just on the go all the time. Just as you have said about your son. We have read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and I'm now reading "Don't Shoot The Dog" by Karen Pryor. The explosive child helps put things into perspective and prioritize he behavior. Don't shoot the dog, I know it sounds funny and is found in the pet section of a book store, but it's a good book so far and a fast reading one at that. Which I like very much because who has time now a days. It focuses on reinforcing the positive behavior. I've recently started a little thing with my son. My husband is in on it as well. We bought some fake money. Then some toys that he would like. I also bought him a wallet, because he didn't have one. Then I took two of the toys and did some price stickers on them and put them on the top of the fridge. For good things that he does, we give him a dollar. We do not take any away. That would defeat the purpose of reinforcing the good behavior. He saves his money in his wallet and when he gets enough he can buy a toy for the top of the fridge. It not only works for the behavior, but helps him with Math and responsibility with money. It's working pretty good so far. We've had a lull in good deeds, but they say that it gets worse before it gets better. Hang in there. You're not alone. Also, you might look into the school having him tested for learning/behavior issues. That is how I found out about my son. And he's not even in Kindergarden yet.

As one who grew up with ADD I got into trouble a lot. For me the trouble was boredom. In school, I learned more quickly than others, so I has to find something else to do. This usually got me a ticket to the office. It wasn't that I was a bad kid, I just needed more to do, more challenges. Most of the people I know who have ADD are brilliant people. They excel in whatever interests them, and that is the key. You have to find away to keep him interested. As for his teacher... most teachers like to teach a certain way, when a child comes along who learns in a different way they don't know how to handle it and think the child is being problematic (hence my many trips to the office). When you talk to your child, don't scold, find out what parts of school he does like, (it's probably what he is doing best in) and what he doesn't like about school. Find ways to get him interested in those subjects. Make learning exciting for him. Hope that helps ya.

I understand why you don't want your child on meds, but why not have him tested? There are many non-medication ways to deal with ADHD symptoms--having a diagnosis will help you know which ones to try. My 13-yr-old daughter tested borderline for ADHD when in the 4th grade. We did not medicate, but made some adjustments in other areas that helped immensely. Ignoring the problem, or blaming others won't make it go away. If he doesn't test for ADHD, then you can use the info to help bolster any claims of unfairness by teachers, etc. Knowledge is power.

T., I'm a school psychologist and here are my recommendations: I would recommend that you sit down with his teachers, identify what the "problem behaviors" look like (getting up out of seat, etc), discuss what the function of these behaviors is (i.e, is he acting out to avoid a task, or to get teacher attention, etc), and based upon this, you come up with a behavior contract designed to improve his behavior through positive reinforcement rather than punishment. Kids often misbehave because they are either trying to gain something (attention, etc) or avoid something (a difficult task) & identifying what kids are seeking is crucial to changing behavior. The goal of all this is for the teacher to help prevent misbehavior by catching him being good before he has an issue. There are a lot of effective strategies and rewards that can be put into place that, for most children, will work well including earning time on the computer, earning story time, having lunch with staff, spending extra time with a parent on the weekend, etc. Often I sit down with students and ask them what they most enjoy at school & then tailor the rewards based off of their interests. If after trying these types of strategies (for a long period of time, not just a couple of weeks) your son still has difficulty with focusing and is not making good choices (and you also see the same behaviors at home) then it may be an issue that is not in his control. You mentioned that your son can "sit down and focus when he wants to." A lot of people with ADHD can do this but it sounds like you are thinking that he is making the choice to misbehave. If he is choosing to misbehave, you will find out if he isn't able to change his behavior with positive rewards put into place. I honestly think that kids want to please adults, but they either lack the self control to make good choices (ADHD) or they need to develop skills on how to seek attention in positive ways. One thing is important-that as a parent you make every attempt to stay neutral in the situation by validating your son's concerns but also that you continue to set limits for his behaviors at school. If he senses that you are taking sides, he will be even less likely to follow his teacher's directions & no plan will work. It may be that the student teacher does not structure the classroom in the best way for your son, but there's really not much you can do about that. It also may be that he has been "flagged" as the problem child, again, if you truly think that's the case I would sit down with his teachers, the principal, and discuss your concerns. One more thing, your son may also be very sensitive to changes in his routine and may be going through an adjustment period-and if you have just started working again he will need some time to adjust to you not being around as much. Try to spend as much time with him as possible. D.

T.,
Good job in standing up for not having him druged or tested. Your son may be dealing with some issues at school and he very well may be being picked on by this student teacher. This is something that is very common when a child is having a hard time focusing and this teacher is only showing the other kids that it it okay to pick on him. There may actually be a few things going on here. One being the issue at school. Two being that things have changed at home because you are going back to work and that is different for him. Also look at the fact that he is the middle child in your family and middle children often have a harder time adjusting to now things. And third he may be over active due to his diet. My son, although much younger than yours, suffers from a sensory disorder. This disorder makes him over active as he is always trying to get input through everything he does, see's and touches. One way I try to help control it is with diet. Although my son is not autistic I have been using what they call "The Autism Diet" which is no wheat/gluten and no dairy. I was very sceptical at first, but after tryinh it we have seen a huge difference! We havne't seen much of a difference with him off of the wheat/gluten, but the dairy has made such an impact. I encourage you to do a little research on over active children and diet and see what you come up with. Also, he is 8 and he is a boy. Kids are supposed to have a lot of energy and the school system doesn't help much with that. I would say don't punish him too much, but try to talk to him and give him some one on one to really try to find out what is going on. It sounds like he may already be getting enough "punishment" at school. Good luck!

Hi,

Just a few thoughts. I can't say that I know your situation at all but I have a few ideas that might be a start. If you have some time check out www.mothering.com. Do a search on ADD and ADHD. I know they have some articles on diet and ADHD. I'm sure sports is an excellent thing for your son. My guess would be in addition to sports is that really focusing on getting him outside as much as possible would also be wonderful for him. I remember reading an article a while ago in Mothering that talked about play and especially play outside and how it is theraputic. One last idea. I've read a number of articles about how quite a number of children (often boys) don't do as well in your average public school because the classroom doesn't (and can't) cater to a variety of learning styles. Maybe the "average" classroom doesn't fit with your son's strengths and weaknesses. I"m just shooting from the hip here but I think that may have something to do with it. I'm new to Anchorage, so I"m not filled in on what sorts of schools are around here. Where I came from, they had some schools in the district (public schools) that were called "choice schools." They were public schools but run a little differently. I"m not sure if Anchorage has something like that or not. The only other thing I can think of right now is really working on recognizing your boy's strengths and special gifts. We all seem to be more motivated if we really believe we are good at something. Oh yes, one more thought. There are some great books out there that talk about gender and how boys and girls learn differently. I'd really recommend that to get a little more insight into what's going on in his head a bit more. Great job, mom!!

I also have an active 8 yr old. My sister has 2 ADD children, and she controls with diet ie: no sugar, lots of water, etc. It works okay, but she homeschools to negate behavioral problems like that. I think that you should definitely entertain the possibility of having your son tested, as it would be helpful just to know. Putting a name to the face can mean so much, even if you don't decide to put him on meds. Plus, you can use it to show "proof" that he is fine. The conference about the student teacher is a great idea also, my son had similar difficulties with a summer day camp aide, because he is so active, just not hyper-active.

Several things. First, the book "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids can talk book" is great! Second, many of us are finding that rewards work better than punishments. So, every time he does something good are gets through the day without getting into trouble he would be rewarded. Also when you speak with the teacher(s), especially, the student teacher, he/she could keep a behavior rubric and check off certain behaviors. The student teacher should first make a weeks worth of tallies to determine your son's normal range of behavior. If the student teacher doesn't understand, advise him/her to check with their instructor. Finally, there are many great alternative/magnet schools here in Bend that may suit your son better. Check out their online brochure soon though because applications are due next month and parent meetings are the first week in March.

Good luck,
M. S.

I would definetly make an appt.I hate to say this but if is always having a had hard time in class the teacher aid might not have anymore patience for him.I think they need to know he feels like she does not like him.If he is hyper have you thought about what is in his diet alot of behaviors can be controlled by what they eat.

Eight year old boys are so much fun!! They thrive for direction, clear expectations and routine. As a 3rd grade teacher, when I have a boy who is starting to have behaviors like the ones you are describing, I set out a daily report system (we call them happy notes in my room). On the plan, there are clearly defined expectations for his behavior during different times, ie:transitions, math, reading group, science...and then a scale for how he did. I also like to have an attainable, easy reward for them to work towards. Something easy like lunch with the principal, a book...whatever. Also, it is a good way to have daily contact with mom, so you aren't hearing about it at 3, and then tossing and turning about it at 11.
Let me know if I can help!
E.
____@____.com

T., have you checked into seeing if he has Highly Sensitive Personality? Our 10 year old daughter was diagnosed with it when she was in kindergarten and some of these symptoms sound like it might be HSP. You can go to dogpile.com and do a search on it. There is one site that you can do an online survey to see if your child possibly has this. Lots of HSP kids are diagnosed as ADHD kids and are NOT!!

I have a 7 yr old son who sounds very similar to your son. We joke that he runs around the walls in the summer.
He hasn't been officially diagnosed with anything except extreme food allergies (all meat except chicken, milk products, processed foods) but limiting those has helped a great deal.
That said I have another suggestion. My oldest has been diagnosed with a form of Autism (Asperger's) and sensory integration deficit. I'm positive my 7 yr old also has sensory problems.
One thing we did for our oldest that has also helped our youngest is buying a mini-trampoline. Jumping is one of the few activities that actually wears them out. It's amazing to watch. When they are angry, stressed, or otherwise wiggin' out, we send them to jump. Five minutes later they are calm and productive again.
I agree with the other suggestions that you observe his class room, but so often things don't happen when you are there.
Best of luck.
~M.

It sounds to me like it could very well be an issue of ADHD. Not having him tested just seems irresponsible. I totally understand the medication issue and do NOT disagree with you there. But, it is mean to punish him for behaviors he cannot control. If indeed he does have ADHD, he needs to learn how to deal with it and overcome the impulse and attention problems. There are tools that you can teach him to overcome. A therapist may also be a VERY good idea. Someone that can give you parenting tips to deal with him, can give him a nonjudgmental outlet to express his feelings, and a professional that can help you teach him what tools he needs. Just make sure that you find one that agrees with your non-medication approach, otherwise they will not effectively help you. Your insurance probably covers it (especially if your dr refers you).

There isn't anything wrong with having your child tested for ADHD. It doesn't mean you have to medicate him, it just means you will have more information about how to deal with whatever is going on with him. My son is ADD (not hyper) and we have never had to medicate him.
Kids who are different do end up getting picked on. It is really sad. It just makes them spiral even further down when they are already having trouble.
We use a point system with my son who is 12. We have used it since he was in third grade. He cashes his points in for money. They use a similar system at Sylvan Learning Center. You can have your teacher use the point system as well and communicate the points to you. The point system rewards a child for trying even if he doesn't do well on the assignment, etc. You can take points away if they child is misbehaving. It really works.

hi T.- have you changed your son's diet? maybe eliminating all or most sugars, especially refined. gradually introduce sugars back into his diet, not so much refined, and make sure he eats a protein or something with high fiber before he eats sweets. he also may need to eat a protein and something with some fiber every two hours religiously, till he is able to feel calmer throughout the day. i'm not sure if you live in a climate with a lot of sun or not, but he may need more vitamin D.

lenard cohen wrote a book called, playful parenting. it's a must read, it actually offers great therapy for overactive children.

good luck! C..

Hi T.,

I know that having a child who has difficulty focusing can be a challenge both for you and for him. Hyperactivity in children can stem from a variety of reasons: brain chemisty, food sensitivities, environmental stresses, etc. As a naturopath I have found that wheat and dairy, when removed from the diet of a hyperactive child can really help. Sometimes kids can be depleted of certain nutrients. I advise taking him to a local Naturopathic physician to make an assessment and an individualized treatment plan.

I have an 8 year old son as well, who was diagnosed with ADHD. The description of your son sounds a lot like my son. Although a parent doesn't want to believe that their child could have this sort of disorder, it may be worth checking into. There are ways to help children with ADHD besides medication (although medication has made a huge difference in my son's life). The most important thing is to develop an understanding of what is going on (and why he does the things that he does), so that you can help him.

Teacher and SAHM of two boys, 8 & 3.

The advice on diet is spot on, but you also may wish to make sure he's taking good vitamins. The imbalances we get are often the result of imbalanced nutrition. There are some kids who don't like vitamins, and one method of getting them is liquid, which can then be mixed into a nutritious fruit smoothie (including some veggies).

If the hyperactivity is actually real (and there are some cases where it is, but nowhere near what doctors and teachers will tell you), acupuncture will also take care of it. Just find a Taoist trained acupuncturist.

Good luck!

Angel

Hi T. D.
I am the mother of 4..ages ranging from 30 to 11. My 11 yr. old son is also a little hyper and I in fact did have him tested for ADD. I felt that even if I did'nt want to put him on any medication it was still a good idea to see what they said and ask advise as to how to handle it. I was quite plesently surprised when I was tool of the multitude of ways to try and help my son. Mostly dietary but some behaviorial too. Please look at the ADD and ADHD sites online for this type of info.
As for the teacher side of it...I am also a Teacher's Asst at a Middle School and I can tell you that there are plenty of kids who are very active, some with ADD some just with behavioral problems. However, a student teacher is usually someone who is studing to become a teacher and is new to teaching. I can understand why this person feels the need to try and control the students a little bit more than the normal teacher who is trying to teach a lesson. I agree that there should be a conference with both teachers in which you express how you teach your child lessons at home and how you expect him to be treated should he misbehave in school and of course ways in which you can communicate with the primary teacher in case of concerns. Maybe a daily note back and forth might help both the teacher and your son. The note taken by him to and from school will give him some sense of responsibility and accountibility and will also in turn make you and the teacher feel more at ease.
Also, please be aware that these kids are extreemly sensitive to stimuli of all types. Try to provide downtime for him and all your family at the end of the day. I know it's hard to try to do it all on your own (been there done that) but realize that you really don't HAVE TO do everything!! One step at a time. Wishing you the best. M. D.

i agree - before you have a conference, sit in the class and observe the dynamics.

It might be that he is bored with the content of class because he is smart.
it might be that home school or WAVA would be better for him.

I totally understand where you are coming from with the whole ADHD medicating thing.... I am the same way. However, when a teacher made the ADHD comment about my son. I took him to a behavioural specialist just hear what his impressions were of my son.

My sister's children had the same kinds of problems, and she also didn't believe in ADHD. What she decided to do instead was experiment with their diet. She found that they all reacted diffferently to different foods. Eventually she just began limiting any refined white flour foods, and sugar-sweet foods to the weekends. This made a huge difference.

T.,
It sounds to me like you said that there may be an underlying reason that he is acting this way. First thing is that I would be really pissed at the school for not trying to help you more by figuring out the true nature of the issue. My suggestion would be to get him into a good counselor who deals specifically with children. That person will be able to help you with a plan of action appropriate for your child. I believe that there is no punishment that is appropriate for a child who is hyper. It just doesn't fit the mold. He might just be troubled by something and the only way to get it out would be a proper counselor. We did this for one of our children when he was little and found out that he wasn't getting enough sleep. The other child we found out that he was reacting to food sensitivities. Once we got rid of the problem foods, he is fine. I don't think your child is bad, I just think he is misunderstood. I also believe that he is being picked on. Take care of your kids and yourself. Good luck.

I don't have any overwhelming wise advice; however, I first want to say good for you for not going straight to ADHD. That is not exactly easy in today's environment. But, second, reading your post, I have to say if your instinct is telling you there is something else going on, don't ignore that. He made need some reassurance from you that you want to help him as much as you can, but since you are not always there, you might not always know what is going on. I think children of single parents, especially (I am one), sometimes don't want to "worry" the parent. Good Luck!