Out of Wedlock Pregnancy

I had a similar situation a few months ago, i just told my daughter that her aunt found someone that she thought she was going to marry,and make a home with,but things just ddn't work out .hope this helps1

Wow that is a tough question to handle for a four year old. I was thinking about it and maybe just tell her that all babies have mommies and daddies and that is also true for this new baby. Usually mommies and daddies are married but sometimes mommies and daddies that aren't married have a baby. I think if you just focus on the fact that this baby does have a mommy and a daddy that might be a way to sort of get around all the details that she might not be ready for just yet. If she asks why they aren't married maybe you can tell her that you don't know, sometimes grown ups make decisions they don't explain to everyone else. I hope this helps, I haven't been through anything like this as mine is only 16 months, but I think this is how I would handle it. Best of luck!

Why not get into the birds and bees? Just make it age appropriate. You can explain to her that when people love each other a lot..... doesn't have to be married, that they make a baby. If your family preffers married stress that, with out condeming your sister in law.

I agree with Michelle S. It's obvious that you are raising your children with values. THANK YOU! It all comes down to choice, however, and we should strive to make good ones. Especially since most of our choices affect others. If your daughter is old enough to ask I believe she is old enough for an honest answer (on her age level of course). I agree with you, kids are smart and they pick up on things fast. If you are honest with her, she'll be able to trust you to always tell her the truth and will most likely feel comfortable talking with you about anything. You and your husband sound like terrific parents. God bless!

J.,

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but possibly explain that, "It isn't something God wants us to do because He knows that it's not what's best for us, but He lets us make our own decisions. We are supposed to be married first, but Aunt ___ chose this way instead. God still loves her and this baby is still going to be a blessing, but it's going to be harder for her without a husband. We will need to be there to love her and help her whenever we can." Then turn the discussion to "Are you hoping she has a boy or a girl cousin for you?"

You've had a lot of wonderful responses already. Children are always a blessing from God, even when the circumstances aren't what they should be. We will lift up your sister-in-law and her child for God's blessings. Please be cautious in defining God's character to her. He doesn't contradict Himself/His laws laid out for us as believers, but He can always take any circumstance (even much more drastic ones than this!)and turn it to glorify His holy name. Your daughter's question shows that you are instilling virtues in her already! Way to go, J.!

Blessings always,
M.

That's a pretty loaded question for a four year old. I take it you have explained and have been raising her to believe that the only way to have a child is to be married? Or maybe she is overheraing your conversations. That is the only way I can think of as to why she would ask a question like that. I think that a lot of times it is okay to tell a child that that is something she will know when she is older. In other words, she really should not concern herself with such adult issues right now. And it would also be wise not to speak so freely in front of her regarding adult issues. Hopefully your family is giving your sister-in-law the suport she needs and not making her feel bad becasue she is not married. Plenty of women raise children independently and the children are healthy, happy, and blessed. Creating stigmas at such an early age may not be healthy for her later on, so I would just wait until she is older. Another thing: it is okay to send a child to the "Kid Zone" when adults are having adult conversations. We have a "kid zone" in my family when the adults get together. When the convesation turns to adult content....to the "kid zone" they go.

Is the pregnacy the result of a steady boyfriend? If so "Aunt Suzie and Jonny love each other, so they asked God for a baby." ????
If this is not the result of a regular boyfriend, then, "Aunt Suzie has so much love, she aksed God for a baby of her own to share her love with."
As we know...God can make anything happen, even if it goes against some rules, because he makes the rules. Just like mommy can give you an extra cookie, because she is the one that makes the 1 cookie a day rule.
We have always just told out 3year old daughter that babies come because mommy and daddy loved each other, so God decided to give them another little bundle of love. All babies come from love.(Technicly not a lie, right. LOL) We also call her our litle bundle of love, and she is.
Good luck.

Just be prepared that whatever you tell her may be repeated back to you (in the presence of someone else) or told to your SIL by your child. If you stress the aspect of marriage in your explanation, she may stress that you should be married in whatever she may say to someone else... including to her aunt... which could be awkward and embarrassing...

How about simply saying that one doesn't have to be married to have a baby.

My daughter asked this same question when she was too young to hear the facts of life. The girl in question was a girl in our church, so I put my response in this way: I told her that God prefers for children to be born to married couples, but that it is possible to have a baby without being married. This is not pleasing to God, but it CAN happen. When she pressed me further, I simply said that when a man and a woman are very close, a baby can result. This must have been enough for her because she didn't ask any other questions after that.

You say pretty much what you would say if she were married, just start with "Sometimes when 2 grownups love each other very much they get very close"...enough for most four year olds. You continue with an explanation that this happens more often when people are married, but not always. That should be enough at this age.

In this day and age, I wouldn't let any child think that the only way to have a baby is if you are married. Even at age 4. What I would teach is that "when 2 people love each other, sometimes God gives them a baby." what do you think?

I've had to deal with this situation numerous times...from the other side in that I'm the single mom and my son is the one asking the question.

My first suggestion would be to talk to your sister-in-law about how she plans to handle that question when her child asks. Whatever you say to your daughter will inevitably be repeated by her to your SIL's child at some point. Thus, it is in the best interests of everyone (family unity) for you to include consideration of your SIL's perspective in your explanation.

The way I handled it...and continue to handle it...is to simply tell my son the truth...not chapter and verse about the birds and the bees (though I will when he is old enough), but age-appropriate truth. At four, the explanation went something like this...

God created men and women so they could make babies. He intended them to do so after they are married to each other but marriage isn't necessary to create a baby. Some people, especially those that are lonely or think that no one wants to marry them, will settle for the closeness they can have with someone who isn't their husband or wife and they may make a baby as a result. To me, that is evidence that God can bring great blessings to us even when we don't follow his instructions. I didn't listen to God and that was a mistake...and God is so awesome that he didn't punish me for my mistake...instead, he forgave me and blessed me with you!

Now any number of friends and family members suggested it would be better for me to lie...to make up some story about artificial insemination, about me being a widow or divorced, or that his father died before we could be married. Your SIL may be thinking along those lines...and if she is, you can still be honest with your daughter in a way that supports her decision. For example, if she is going the AI route, then you could tell your daughter that doctors can help an unmarried person create a baby if they really want one and haven't been blessed with a husband...that's certainly true even if it isn't the truth about this particular situation!

As a parting thought, I would caution you against doing or saying anything that would lead your daughter to conclude that her future cousin is anything other than a blessing from God. Be careful using words like "sin" or "mistake" or "accident". I don't believe ANY child is a mistake...if God creates life, then he created my son (and your future niece or nephew) and no matter what the circumstances of his or her conception, his or her life is a miracle and a blessing!

Wow, I have never been in this situation but I had to respond to this one. Maybe you could tell her that your sister did something that only married couples are suppose to do. The good news is that God blessed her with a miricle baby and loves her and the baby no matter what choices we make.

I used a similar response when my daughter would ask about my tatoos as a toddler. She is 13 years old now and tells all of her friends that tatoos do not make you a bad person but it is not for her! I figure this will stick with her until she is ready to make her own decisions.

I told my girls (ages 5,4,3) that God uses both a man and a woman to make a baby. God takes a little something out of the man and puts it into the woman and forms a baby. Sometimes the man and woman are married, but sometimes they are not.

But then we have guppies and they have seen this take place lots of times. At one time we had 160 brand new tiny guppies. LOL

Something I sent to one of the PP, altered for you

"You shouldn't tell your daughter that her aunt made a bad decision. This is what my mom would say. But children equate bad decision with bad repercussions and the last thing you want is for them to think the baby is a bad repercussion! I know when I was pregnant with #4 (while married!) my mom was furious with my sister for giving me a baby shower because "that is nothing to celebrate!!"

I teach my girls that EVERY child is special and something to celebrate so negative words such as 'bad decision' is something that should never be said to the children.

Hi J.,,
i've always heard that you give them a true answer but keep it short and to the point.You can tell her even though she is having a baby that she loves the babys daddy ,and they might get married soon.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
Good luck L.

Simply tell her that God had a little angel he needed to send down to earth and he chose your sister-in-law to be it's mother. That is, assuming you believe in God. If not...good luck, you're on your own.

Just explain that they love each other so much that God created a little blessing for them. Something simple like this will satisfy her questioning. I too have a very intelligent daughter who is quite privy to details. So, she would ask every question out there. But there is one thing she understands, love and God being there to bless and protect us. So, if I were in your position, I would try to combine the two. You can even tell her that they have so much love to share that God gave them their new blessing for all that extra love that they have:)

Good luck! Looks like she will be giving you some challenging questions from this point on. I think its so wonderful. When my daughter was between 4 and 5 it just came to the point where I was so open and honest cause the days of other little school girls telling her wrong was creeping up on us. Today she is nine and knows that what I tell her may sometimes not be the best news or what she wants to hear, but is the truth. She can always count on that and so far so good, she comes to me and is honest about everything from school bullies to little crushes. It's a good thing that so far the little crushes has gone no further than the Jonas Brothers though:)

Good luck!!
M.

My response was that angels watch to see who should be your mommy and when she is ready they put you in her belly. This was how I explained it to my 3-year old - and at 6 she hasn't asked for more details yet - although I'm sure she doesn't think it works that way anymore.

I like how Jen B would handle this. And I agree with Karen N.

I, too, agree with Jen B. My husband has a daughter from a previous, um, encounter, (obviously before I knew him!) and his sister started calling the baby's mother "Aunt" for her four kids because they always explained that married people have babies. This got very confusing for them when I came along (though they knew that Uncle and Aunt were not married, I think they assumed divorce, since Grandma and Grandpa were divorced). They readily accepted me, but asked ME all kinds of questions about the situation.

When we grew serious in our dating and the little girl started coming around my family, MY nieces started asking questions and wanting to know why Aunt's boyfriend has a little girl. I took the route that Jen B. said. I explained to them (with my sister's permission) that sometimes just loving the BABY is why the baby comes (since there was no previous relationship or marriage or anything, I couldn't explain a "one night stand" to my nieces, after all!) and sometimes adults make choices that they don't explain to others. My husband was always satisfied with that explanation and so has everyone else.

Now when MY kids start to ask why their half-sister has the same daddy but different mommy, we'll probably explain a little better - my husband doesn't want our kids (or anyone else) thinking he's been married before, so we'll find a way to explain daddy's choices to them.

Directed at the responders not you J.... You question is very valid and tricky to answer depending on how you have taught her about marriage and babies up to this point. Teaching can be by actions and children pick up on actions ALOT.

my goodness so many bigoted high horse riding individuals.
" God is not pleased" do you not think the little girl is going to tell her Aunt that you said this or worse yet the Cousin when he/she gets a little older. How do you think that child will feel when told they are unpleasing to God?

Is your SIL happy about the Pregnancy? Then just that she wanted a child and was blessed with one ( God or no God)... is the father in the picture? Marriage is not mandated before pregnancy.... do we live in the Dark ages sheesh

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I simply told my son that her daddy and I loved each other very much and God said we were supposed to have a baby together. He's 13 now, and has never questioned me again. My daughter is now 10 and although her father and I still love each other dearly we are not together. We have been great friends for years, and he is still involved in her life.

If you do not believe in God, then I would suggest that you buy a book at her age level that explains the body. My son was 3yr when I told him how his sister was going to be born (C-section). He even told the kids at school that babies come from mommies and not the "cabbage patch". Teach her the truth now, before she learns something else. Kids are learning earlier. My 10yr is already being sexually harrassed at school.

I haven't been there with this question yet, but I do agree with Jen B. The other thing that struck me when I read your question and thinking back on articles I've read about explaining sex to kids is to focus on the specific question they are asking and not the long explanation that probably pops into your head. I would tell her that "yes-some people do have babies without being married" and see what she says. She may only be looking for a confirmation that it can happen. Good Luck.

...a little late, but I would say "because God wanted to bless her with a little baby"...of course, this is all dependent on what you believe.

Have you thought about telling your daughter that families come in all shapes and sizes (single families, extended families, etc.)? You can explain that ideally, you would prefer that she be married when she has her children; but now would be an excellent opportunity to show your daughter how to be open-minded and celebrate a new life.