So my 4 year old has lost his mind. In the past month he is acting out. He is calling his teachers names. He is kicking and hitting and throwing things at other kids. When he gets in trouble he just smiles and thinks it's funny. Any discipline/reward system we've tried isn't working.
Little background: We reward with an extra hour with the TV and or play with toys, etc if he's had a good day at school. We take those privileges away if he's not had a good day. Nothing has changed in our home. No fighting. No discension. No new schedules. This has only occurred in the past month/month and a half. It's NEVER happened before other than your run of the mill typical age appropriate boundary pushing and that was only occassionally. We've tried threatening bodily harm, we've tried rewarding with something he wants to do (ie: going to the park, local pizza place, etc) to no avail.
At this point I'm at a loss. This is not my first child. I have 2 older children who never gave me grief and I used to run a day care in my house so I'm not at all a beginner when it comes to the ins and out of parenting. But this is a new one on me. I'm going to take him to his pediatrician as soon as I can but it'll be a while due to the holidays and well, insurance isn't what it used to be.
Any suggestion is welcome.
HELP!
So I talked to his pediatrician and talked to a counselor friend (and googled 4 yr old discipline problem) and I came up with this: remain consistant. Right now 4 is a HARD age. I haven't read or talked to a professional one that didn't say that his behavior wasn't typical. He's not raging, throwing chairs, becoming detached, etc. He's just finding his way. And frankly I wish he'd find he way back to that 3 yr old little boy who never got in trouble but alas... :)
To the person who asked about TV, he gets maybe an hour (at best) in front of the TV. And we don't allow him to watch anything that's not G rated. So an extra hour is a treat seeing as he barely gets TV time.
To the person who asked if he was healthy: No dark circles under the eyes, plenty of sleep but I have given pause to maybe having an allergy or two. I'm checking into that. Other than that, the only thing I can do it keep doing what I'm doing. reenforcing the good behavior and not the bad (bad attention is better than no attention at all) and try a reward/treat type thing for the good. We are and remain, a work in progress. THANKS YA'LL
I actually had a friend whose son would become angry and aggressive after consuming dairy products, and that was his only symptom. He eventually outgrew it, but she would always bring dairy-free foods to the birthday parties, etc.
Teach him how to express himself.
Teach him the WORDS for his feelings. ie: grumpy, irritated, frustrated, tired, hungry, want to be left alone, etc.
Teach him, how to communicate.
Teach him, coping-skills or alternate ways, of expressing himself, even if he is grumpy.
Teach him humor... and that there are MANY different ways of looking at things AND problem-solving it.
This thus teaches a young child, HOW to manage and cope and communicate and be, self-assured and self-reliant. And how to ask for help... when they are at their wits end.
Kids, do not come automatically with those skills. It is taught.
And then, in the years ahead, their skills at this, if the parents helps them... their emotional management... will become better.
It takes, practice.
As a 'team'.... not by themselves.
I tell my kids, even "I" get grumpy and irritable... BUT I try my best and will practice MY tone of voice, too.
Kids also need to learn how. They don't automatically know how.
ALSO: teach your child, that he CAN tell you anything... even about grumpy or irritable feelings. And its okay. Because, you are there for him. And that, you recognize when he tries his best. Tell him that. A child NEEDS to hear that, too. It encourages, them.
If just 'expected' to 'behave' and they don't know how... all the lecturing and time-outs and punishments... will NOT work. Because, they are at a loss of 'how' to manage... their emotions and frustrations and irritations.
Some Adults.... don't even know how to manage their emotions.
So for a young child, don't just 'expect' them to be error free. Teach him, how to cope and express himself and ask you for help. At those hard times.
4... is a HARD age. So much is expected of them... but they do not know how. Hence, they get very frustrated. They can't handle all that is expected of them, even if they mentally understand. Emotionally... they are at a different place.
And, (I have a 5 year old son), I will also ASK my son "How do you think you can feel better? What can you do?...." and that way, HE... also learns that HE can come up with ideas too... and then it promotes 'skills' in managing themselves too... and how to problem solve and that Mommy... 'trusts' him. Too. And we work on it, TOGETHER. This encompasses... all skills... ie: communication, knowing their feelings, how to problem solve, how to explain to you about what is bothering them, and how to cope etc. And that, he is human... just like Mommy.
It is not about being "perfect" ... but about PRACTICING. And, thus, their emotional 'maturity' and capability.... will gain in skills.
talk to his teachers. life with my 3.5 year old has been miserable the past two months and the bahavior sound very similar. it turns out there was another boy in his class who was not good for him and they had constant conflict. we finally got them to move my son into the other preschool class and on the first day there was a noticeable difference in my son. he had been so unhappy/stressed and just unable to express himself (and we talk about feelings every night before bed so he knows what feelings are).
my sons teachers were more interested in protecting the other boy in the beginning. I had a gut feeling all along that was were the issues were coming from based on things my son would say but couldn't get the whole story from his teacher. then it got to the point that there was physical violence (scratching) from both boys and the teacher and assistants admitted they couldn't handle it.
at home it's now one warning then consequence (time out, room, music take away what ever toy he's into at the moment). I wish I had an answer for the back talk but I don't but it has gotten better since the switch at school.
good luck!
I noticed you said you reward him with an *extra* hour of tv if he's good. How much screen time is he getting lately? I've noticed my own child can become non-compliant, smart mouthed and discipline resistant when he has had too much screen time (this also includes video games, computer, ipad, smartphone etc) It was around 4 that we relaxed too much about that stuff and it bit us!
I'd try cutting him off from that stuff completely for awhile and see if it helps. If it does, add back slowly and see where his limit is.
When i say we have one of them in our family....I really mean it....but I say ours is do to total spoiling and always giving in just so he doesn't scream forever...and I mean forever. Stern punishment....and just wait it out...that's all I can say. It gets very embarrassing when complaints come to you from school.
I would like to see what kind of answers you get. Maybe I can use them myself! I have a 4 year old son as well. He's always thrown temper tantrums if he doesn't get his way, so I'm used to that. Just recently he has stopped listening and when I try to get his attention--time outs, yelling, whispering, taking something away, even spanking on one occasion--NOTHING works. I will get down on his level and very calmly ask him if he's heard anything I just said and he will tell me no. He gets sent to his room and I will go in a few minutes later and ask if he knows why he is in trouble and he will tell me no. I'll tell him and then ask him again and he will still tell me he doesn't know why!! ahhh!!!!!! I think 4 is a very stinky age. I'd like to know how parents get them under control. I hope you get some good answers and best of luck to you with your 4 year old!!
My almost 4 year old gets this way when she has red dye and chocolate. Diet can have a huge effect on the way children respond and behave. Just a thought.
Give a warning and follow through. Give two forms of discipline along with taking away privileges. Consistency is the key. Be stern and nip this in the bud ASAP. Treat this with urgency so he'll get the picture! There's always one in the group who has to test the boundaries beyond what the others did. =) Good luck!
Is he complaining of symptoms? Feeling sick? This may be a contributing factor. Particularly if it's something not so obvious (e.g., lead toxicity; Lyme Dz). Perhaps pay attention if he seems to be complaining of these issues; often some behavioral issues are linked to underlying health problems.
