Out of Control 2.5 Year Old

I read a great book called Parenting the Defiant Child by Dr. Kazdin. He's the head of Yale's Child Development Center and it shows techniques to use positive reinforcement, since the research shows that rewarding good behavior works better than punishing bad behavior. It comes with a dvd. I got the book at the Long Beach library, and I thought a lot of the information made sense.

Sounds normal to me.

You may want to look into books on Prodigy & Advanced children. And Indigo & Crystal Children.

Be well.

N.

The book "Your 3 Year Old" is great, from www.amazon.com

3 is actually THE hard age, not 2 years old. 3 years old is when a child is going through SO much cognitive/emotional development... and they short circuit, hence, meltdowns.
Granted it's not easy.

But be consoled, that it is not only your child that goes through this... MOST all children do, and at this age. Even at 4 & 5 years old, the "tantrum" phase is STILL not grown-out of yet... so head's up. By the time they are 5-6 years old, then it starts to get keyed down... as they mature developmentally and emotionally and cognitively AND their "reasoning" ability matures... and so in tandem with this they are able to gauge themselves better and are more competent at it and their sense of at-will behavior and impulse control maturity... also gets better and they become more "able" to do so.

Its all about cognitive and emotional development...and the child's temperament AND their "ability" to communicate and be heard, and their leeway in being ABLE to express themselves... in light of their parents. Naturally a child that is taught they "can't" emote... with be frustrated. A child that is taught "how" to emote and communicate... can then be more "able" to steer themselves in another direction and "problem solve" through difficulties, WITH the Parent's help.

Think of a Bonsai plant... if always nipped and cut-off at the main branches, it gets stunted, but still, considered beautiful...because it becomes what the Care-taker wants it to look like. On the other hand, a "natural tree" that is grown to full form... and "allowed" to grow in its' own way with nurturing/fertilization/appropriate pruning... grows up with it's own unique ability to weather through storms and it becomes its own shape with it's own strengths. Same for a child.

So even though its a hard "phase" to weather... HOW you arm your child with "coping-skills" will determine HOW they cope with other difficulties later... as they get older. THIS age... is a real impressionable age and one in which they need a lot of guidance... and direction.

For example: we always give our kids a "head's up" on what is coming next/how to behave in a certain venue/what we will do there/what we expect/what the outcome will be/how long we will be there/what there is to do there. ONCE the kids "know" that... it gives them a "picture" in their mind, of what to do/how/why. Kids NEED a forewarning of what it is they are going to be doing. AND, they NEED a "transition" time... to adjust, to each change in activity. We have found that this makes a BIG difference in our kids, and their behavior while out.

Next: teach your son, "coping skills" and "problem solving" skills, and "what" his feelings are & that it is understood (ie: happy, sad, frustrated, etc.) and that it is okay... BUT, there are other ways of expressing it.... kids also need to vent... and when they have a melt-down... it is a cue that they simply CANNOT cope- at that moment. So, forcing them to cope, won't help. THey don't know "how" to cope.
For us, whenever there is a "difficulty" we show our kids OTHER ways of looking at the situation, or OTHER ways of handling it (ie: laughing about it, making a joke, talking it out, taking a moment of silence and letting it out... THEN trying to calm down, hitting a pillow instead then talking about it, showing them another way of doing something) etc. THAT WAY... you are teaching your child BASIC skills of how THEY can feel in charge of difficulties... instead of just getting mean about it.

But, if your child intentionally is "mean" to another child... then remove him and STOP the activity. Or, take him to another spot in the area. Because at moments like this, the child is not in the presence of mind to listen to wordy explanations. So, just stop for a moment... until he changes disposition.
If he gets soaked walking in the creek.. well to him its just fun. If it were me, I wouldn't mind... I always take extra clothes with me when out with my kids... JUST in case. And, my kids like getting wet... it's fun for them, they don't understand why they "can't" have "fun" of why Mommy is "mad" that they got wet. THEN, they yell because they don't want to change their clothing... because they are in a "fun" moment and happy and having fun... and young children don't like to "stop" having fun JUST to change clothes. So that is where a child is coming from. In the general scheme of things... well, especially boys, they like to do things and explore and TOTALLY engage in the senses...
BUT, throwing sand on another boys head... that is a no-no. State it plainly and sternly, then take him away from that spot... and NO MORE playing with the sand even if he yells... and take him to something else to do.

A child needs to learn what is "mean" and what is acceptable... in time they will learn... but they don't have perfect impulse-control yet, at this age... hence, ordeals.

It WILL be an ongoing process... showing him boundaries, how to explore and communicate, how to cope, how to problem solve....over time, he will get more adept at it and competent about it... but it has to be taught to the child consistently.

Another example: In Preschool, if a child had a "problem" or a complaint or a nagging about something (ie: like "Ms. Sally, Jane took my pencil...") My daughter's Preschool Teacher would then reply "Okay, now, problem solve it. HOW can you get your pencil back? What can you say?) Then, she would send the child back to the person, and she would observe and "help" the child ask for her pencil back. THAT way, over time, a child becomes proficient and more confident in saying what they mean or feel/how to communicate it/and how to PROBLEM solve it. Gaining coping skills.

Skills like this won't be gained overnight... BUT like a rock growing moss, a child will gain more wisdom from it and self direction. This is a good age to teach them things like this. I've seen it in my own daughter who is now 6 years old and SO able to manage difficulties or problems now.

All the best,
Susan

I don't know how much help I am, but I do sympathize. I have twins who will be 3 in November and 1 of them is currently in an incredibly difficult phase, much like what you're describing. I do remember his older brother going through something similar. I always tell myself that the phase will pass, and it does, but while waiting for it to pass, it can seem like forever! If this has been going on for a long time, you may want to speak with his doctor about his behavior. If it's something that you feel is just a phase, maybe try just sticking with one consistent consequence for these actions and showing absolutely no strong reaction to his negative behavior. For outings, I've had some luck with clearly stating, in simple terms, right before exiting the car, the "rules" for the outing and the consequence if the rules are not followed. I know, easier said than done. When I do manage to follow this advice, I usually see positive results fairly quickly. Good luck.

Aye, aye aye! You've got your hands full! I know how you feel. I have two boys that can be quite obnoxious themselves. Try to see things from his point of view and let him get away with things that won't hurt anybody. Like if he wants to throw stones in the creek but the tour guide said not to, then find a safe place for him to throw them, like at an empty piece of ground or a bush. Listen to your heart and try not to be too concerned with what others may be thinking. Your relationship with your son is more important. Remaining calm even when he's out of control will help both of you feel better. I know it's hard to do that, but you can avoid the guilt that comes with over-reacting. Be sure to get a break and take care of yourself so you don't burn-out and get frustrated easily. Good Luck!

is he talking yet? my son was a terror til he started talking and understanding more..i read him books like "I Can Share" Hands Are Not For Hitting" and "Mouths Are Not For Biting" also i pick shows for him to watch that teach them how to be sweet like "Yo Gabba Gabba" is a good one..i have heard my son repeating them saying "sharing is good" etc..
also Dora..i don't do time outs..they seem too hard w/ wild ones..i just take him to the places..if he acts up we leave immediately
i get down to his level and talk to him..i hug it out..i've had moms get mad at me b/c he's throwing sand..or jumping in sand piles..
they're boys..they do that stuff..we didn't just invent this behavior..
also is he napping? try to get him to nap in the car..if he's not napping at home anymore
is he in school? seems like he needs to be socialized..it does get easier..
i took him to a bday party and my friends were saying "whatever you're doing, keep doing it"
try the books..have him help u more..make up little cooking things he can do..
help civilize him..they're so feral when they're born..some people have these mellow jello babies and other's have little wild ones..
good luck!

D.

A.,
Based soley on your outing that you are describing, I wouldn't expect him to act any other way... I'm sure the folks who created the childrens garden would even agree. You have to pick your battles and this wasn't one of them. Throwing rocks in a creek..fine, walking through the water...fine.. taking off wet pants...fine and expected. Pack extra clothes - no matter where you are going.

I'm sure you have other examples too, not knowing what they are, I'm only responding to the childrens garden outing. However, I'll go back to what I said about picking your battles. At this age your little guy needs to think he has control over something. That's why we say, do you want the apple or the bannana? Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the orange one?

I hope this helps!
M.

Sounds like he is experiencing sensory overload and/or sensory seeking behaviors (the jumping in the water.) I would recommend an evaluation by an Occupational Therapist trained in sensory integration disorders. Most insurance companies will pay for at least some OT services. How is his language? Using sentences? ###-###-#### word vocabulary? Does he make eye contact with you, look at you to reference your wisdom in new, unsure situations? Seem to understand everything you say? If you said no to any of those, I would ask Inland Regional Center for an Intake Evaluation to see if he qualifies for free Early Start services (could be OT, teacher or speech, depending on the needs) ###-###-#### if you are in the Inland Empire. Other counties have their own Regional Centers. They will do a free eval, and set you up with a program if needed. They might not do it if the need is just OT, but if any of the other factors are present, they will. For sure they will do the eval, and tell you if he qualifies (ie, displays a need) B.
PS. Do it now, Early Start services end at 3 yrs

What are you feeding him? Seriously, the diet can make HUGE differences. Our 2nd son will lose it if he doesn't eat regularly and it has to be high in protein.

How is your disciplinary actions? Are you consistent?

This is all normal,try not to put him in situations where is not allowed to do what a normal 2you should be doing developmentally-splashing in the creek,throwing rocks,taking clothes off if he feels like it.Not sure what they expected children to do at the opening of the gardesn,but a lot of these events are unfortunately not child friendly,especiallly for young children everything should be hands on,experiential,sensory.Take him to the playground,to the beach,on a hike.I know having a 2yo is very inconvinient,but eventually he will grow up!
M..

A., I have found great success when I explain the expected behavior and the natural consequences for unacceptable behavior. This time when you were out, he behaved badly. Next time YOU go out, go without him and tell him he cannot go because of past behavior, and that he can try again the next time you go out. I realize you are a single mom and probably take him with you just about everywhere you go, but perhaps your mom could watch him while you just run out to the store, just to get the process started. I have a home-based preschool and there have been times when I have had to take three 3 & 4 year olds to the store. We talk about how we are going to behave in the store - talk about it; not lecture them about it. I let them tell me how they are going to behave, so they can have ownership of their behavior. I also let them tell me how I should behave - they love that! A strong-willed/independent child likes to be the one in charge, so let him. He gets to choose his behavior & if his behavior becomes unacceptable while out, then you take him home. Then you sit with him for a few minutes and help him understand why he had to come home before he was ready. Also remember that he is watching your behavior and taking cues from you. Try to stay calm - which is no easy task when you are already at your wits end, I know - but be patient with yourself as well as with him. Sometimes, it is so helpful for the parent to actually practice what she or he might say in specific situations. That can help you remain calm when you find yourself right in the middle of your son's meltdown. Yes, it sounds silly, but it is always good to have a plan. Children also love praise, and not just directly from you to them. It makes a child feel great if he hears you speaking to someone else about his great behavior. "We went to the store today, and he was so helpful...it was so much easier and way more fun to shop together today...I can't wait until we can go out together again..." Hearing comments like these can have such a great impact on a child - "Wow! My mom had fun with me...I was such a good helper for my mom today". At the end of the day, perhaps you can find one thing to tell him that he did that made you smile. That will be a good ending to the day for both of you. I want to ask you to think about his interpretation of your spanking him - is that teaching him that hitting is ok in certain situations? One other book to check out is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen so Kids Will Talk. It gives you great suggestions from the authors AND from other parents. Peace to you and your son! B.

"You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. This woman is a genius & will give you concrete things to do/say so that you and your son are both heard, validated and end up getting what you want. Give it to the person who cares for him while you're at work, too.

Best of luck to you and your precious boy!

Hi A.,

I have a 3 year old son and I was at my wits end too at that point and then he just turned a corner a few weeks after his 3rd birthday. He really started listening a little more and I could reason with him more. Hang in there, it will get better. I tried all the same things your did and I personally like the timeouts; at home they are in his room and out and about I put him in the car.

Good luck, C.

When kids are this age you just can not shop/run errands with them. (This 'phase' lasts a looonnnggg time, at least until they can play with a gameboy, read a book or keep themselves entertained.) When you absolutely have to shop these ideas may help-
1 - Have a plan that appeals to the child "We're going to Target, the library and if you behave the park. What toys do you want to take to the park?" or " We're going to run 5 errands it will take an hour if you behave when we get home you can watch your favorite show (I hardly let you watch)" I give them 3 warnings about negative behavior before I take away the treat. Sometimes it takes awhile for the child to make the connection. Which leads me to --
2 - My sisters trick. Faux shopping trips. She would take her daughter to the store knowing she didn't really need to buy anything and as soon as the tantrum started she'd leave the store. ( I like giving 3 countdown warnings )
3 - These tricks apply to all activities find a special something - it could be painting (so messy!) checking out a dvd at the library, whatever - something fun/different that will occur with acceptable behavior.
4 - Lastly, I jokingly call this the dog whisperer trick, but I figured this out long before I saw him on TV.Get the child's energy out before you expect proper behavior. "We're going to go to ---- in an hour let's go play before we go. Let's see how many times you can run around the tree, jump up and down, hop on one foot. Let's sing this song loud,sing it soft." etc. Some kids are high energy, sometimes only at certain times of the day, Help them work that out then do the 'boring' stuff.

A.,

It sounds like you have a future leader on your hands.... for now let's describe him as strong willed. The good news is that he is very young and you can direct his behavior so that he gets positive reinforcement for what is right and none for what is wrong.

I have personally raised a strong willed child who is now 13 as a single, work at home Mom. It is not easy, but it is rewarding. One of the things that I did is to develop clearly defined "what is ok, what is not ok" behaviors and set up a system so that he knew exactly where he stood all the time. My son needed a lot of feedback hence the acting out and tantrums.

I wrote book which outlines how I did it, if you have interest, you can email me. The book covers children from about 5 onwards, but one family adapted it for younger children which might work for you.

The good news is that you are possibly bringing up a child who will truly be a leader and make difference in this work... just for now you have to survive him and guide him :).

with a big hug... I know where you are at.
M.

Hello A.,

I can understand your pain. I have a 2 1/2 years old son, who will be 3 at November. He is exactly like you describe your son. I feel like I can't go anywhere with him, but I don't want to keep him at home all day either. It's not good for the kid and definately not good for me. My best friend who teaches children these age, told me that you have to respect them as you want them to respect you. I did tried to reasoning with him, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I found out that you have to keep reminding him for the things that you don't want him to do. It's not he doesn't want to do, but sometime he just doesn't remember it. Kind of tiring that you have to keep remind the little one the same thing over and over again, but you can't expect them to remember everything, right? ^_^

Hi A.:
I think we'd all agree,that raising children,takes a lot of patience. If we didn't possess much before,we certainly learn to don't we? Your son is behaving like a normal 3 year old.The resolution to your problems,is coming to that realization. Sensory overload? 300 to 1000 word vocabulary?Eye contact? Understanding everything you say? What sort of dream world is that mother living in? I've been around a lot of 3 year olds in my lifetime and I've not known one,that met those qualifications! A 3 year old genius maybe? I was a single mother of two boys,and I know how difficult it is to try and play the role of both mommy and daddy.You struggle,with when to be tough,and when to show the softer side,and believe me,if you fret about it to much,you'll not only deprive your son,of getting to know who his mother really is,but you will deprive yourself,from just being you.As a rule, girls mature faster than boys, that's also why they seem to do better academically in the early years.Boys appear more adventurous,More daring. If they see a mud puddle,their first thought,is what it would feel like to submerge their whole body in it! They see a rock or tree,they have to challenge it by climbing on it.I've heard so many mothers say "what do I do? "My kid didn't come with an instruction book" Same thing holds true with your child. They weren't born with an instruction book either.They aren't born with rules,guidelines,or etiquette.We are who they depend on to teach them all these basic things.These are important years,because our attitudes,and the ways in which we react, also teach our children the benefits of having patience,understanding and compassion.I've never believed physical discipline a necessity,or benefit,in regards to rearing a child.I don't like using this as a comparison,but I'm sure,that most individuals have witnessed a dog,that when you go near it,or raise your hand,it flinches,as though it were preparing to be struck.I've seen children react the same way,and I find it most disturbing.We want out children to love and respect us.Not show obedience,because they fear us.Your son,like a lot of 3 year olds,doesn't know how to mingle and play with others yet.He needs you to show him how.Role play with him. Sit and show him how two individuals play well together.How they share,how they trade toys,say please and thank you.As far as his jumping in the pond,and getting all wet. The temptation was to much for him.This is what little boys do.He wasn't being bad in his eyes. He's a free spirit,and there are no boundaries,when it comes to having fun.It's at this time,that you say,"Aw well""To late now" "At least its only water" "Why didn't I bring my camera? Loosen up A.,one of the most wonderful,things about having kids,is that it allows us to be a kid again to! Laugh,and act a little crazy,shug off those little things,that are of no importance,no concern,and save your worries,for when it really counts.I wish you and your darlin son the best. J. M.