So I'm kinda fuming and not sure what I should do............a friends son is finishing his first stint in re-hab (spent his 21st birthday there) and will be coming home soon. Well Dad smokes pot and I brought that up to the mom and she is not worried. She told me that he told her that maybe in a year if he does everything he is suppose to do (job, school, clean and sober) they they both feel that it is OK if it is hot if he takes a sip of beer. Or if he has been "good" he can smoke a little pot. WHAT!! I thought once an addict always an addict and she seems offended that I didn't agree with her that they not micromanage their son and that in a year it should be OK! Am I crazy??? Should I call the place where he is at and tell them or just keep my big mouth shut , see what happens, and listen to her cry when he goes back to re-hab??? Oh yeah at $30,000 per month
Thank you all for your answers. I should say that his problem started waaaay back in the 7th grade and I tried to tell her and she said "My son doesn't do drugs." Fast forward a few years and I can say a resounding.............yes he does.He was sooo strung out on pills that he doesn't remember an ENTIRE week. So that is why she has said, "hey it wasn't pot or alcohol but pills (potato/pototo) So I am guessing that she wants to live in Egypt (next to that famous river....de nile) and if that makes her comfortable then so be it. I am not my brothers keeper. I am just praying that the next time and I am pretty sure there will be a next time for drugs and alcohol that he won't drive and kill someone! I have also decided that it is probably better to distance myself from her as her values and mine are very different. Thanks again for all your help and for certain people that really shared their life experience!
So to all the moms who sent help my way here is what I've done................
I decided that my friend (?) and I no longer have the same values and that it is much better to distance myself from her and their crazy situation. I feel better in that I no longer need to hear her sob story. So since I posted this today was the first day that I decided to pick up the phone when she called and YEP you guessed it he had a relapse which is what people were telling me would probably happen. She even told me that if people would have told her two years ago that her son was an addict she wouldn't have believed it, even though several years ago I told my kid not to play with him as he was doing drugs in the 7th grade and she called me a liar.........so fast forward a few years and HELLO. So again thanks to all who told me to butt out and just have nothing to do with this family.............it's WORKING
Why are you "fuming?" It's their kid and their money. If I got worked up over everyone's poor choices I'd never leave the house, lol!
You get it.
They don't.
They might O. day.
They might not.
The important thing is that the ADDICT "gets it"!
A recovering person has to deal with ALL types of situations.
They are not going to be his ruination--he is--or is not!
Hopefully, he's "sober" enough for all of them. Sounds like someone in the family needs some sense. And here's hoping that at $30K per month--he gets it. Good.
Not your problem, so I would suggest you not call any where. Also, he is 21 and can ultimately do whatever he wishes as an adult...
First, not your business. Second, there are some people in this world who CAN LEARN how to apply moderation.
You are entitled to your opinions, but I would encourage you not to get too wrapped up in any of this.
Research "codependency" and realize that these are not your problems.
It's natural to be concerned about your friend and her son, but it will do you no good to enmesh yourself in the problems or take a ride on the possible downward spiral.
It is not your place to call anywhere that he is receiving treatment.
It is not your place to try to take control of this situation.
This is a family problem, and although you want to help, you have to let the family deal with it, or fail, and then try again. And repeat if necessary.
Rehab is not for the faint of heart and I know people who have been in rehab who tell themselves "after another year, I can have a drink".
Saying that to themselves gets them through that year and they say the same thing for the next year.
I don't have addiction issues myself, but I know alcoholics who have been sober for 30+ years by using the very same method.
Instead of a day at a time, they take it a year at a time and it works for them.
I'm not a pot smoker either and strangely, even though many people say you can't get addicted to it, I know few people who have truly been able to reform. I live in Humboldt County and pot is practically grown on every window sill. If not in huge gardens.
My point is that this family may be in denial, but they may be taking one day, one year at a time.
I could be wrong, but this doesn't seem like YOUR fight. It's theirs.
Let them fight it. Or not.
You do not need to be sucked into the whirlwind, no matter how much you may care.
Just my opinion.
At least they have some faith that he can learn and get on with life. You are calling it his "first" stint in re-hab... Addiction is not that simple, not always black/white. Besides, a 21 year-old is an adult, and not even your adult. Let it go.
Not your problem
In rehab, the focus is on learning NOT to try and control others. In fact - the serenity prayer covers exactly this situation - serenity to accept the things I cannot change, as the only thing you can change is yourself and your reactions.
Since you're so close, maybe if you attend an Al-anon meeting for the families/friends of alcoholics/addicts, then you could be a true help to the son as he tries to stay sober.
Many of my friends also believed that I would be ok to take a sip, or have a few after I got sober. Some believe that controlled drinking is ok. And that's ok. I'm not in charge of them either. :)
Well, it's not your kid. You don't have any say.
I will say, I have NEVER (and I have a whole family of addicts. Generations of them.) met an addict, who can apply "moderation." There is no such thing. Literally. Now, what if he isn't an addict...and he is just abusing. Meaning, he is going to far, and needs help with coping in other ways. If he is not completely addicted, and just needs therapy and coping skills...he can absolutely learn moderation. If he's an addict...nope. People say pot is not addictive. While that may be true, I don't believe most drug addicts can smoke pot. It's not enough. They need something more, and it leads to other things. Regular people (non addicts) can usually smoke pot and let it be. Not people who prefer other drugs. If they have never dealt with addiction, they probably really think it's true. That, he can return to moderation, that in a year he'll be fine. Well...that's something they will have to learn. It's not that easy...not for the majority. They will learn to understand that, or they will stay blind to it.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter. You can't call the place and tell them. They will hang right up on you, they can't LEGALLY acknowledge to you he is even there. It's not your business, because it's not your son. Let it go.
Cripes, I'm in the wrong business. I'm opening up a rehab center right now!
They just don't get it, and probably never will. If you want to give it some effort perhaps give her a book about addiction and a schedule of al-anon meetings in the area. Hopefully you won't have to watch history repeat itself. Sad.
i havent read all the responses but i will say this, the choice to stay clean is his and his alone. i am a recovering addict with 16 years clean and sober and tomorrow i will celabrate 17 years. :) i make a choice everyday not to use. i attend meetings and work with a sponsor. i have a blessed life today. you are a good person and i think it is wise to distance yourself. God bless you. You as well as your friends family are in my prayers.
If he is interested in staying clean, he will go live some where else. He will learn that house is not the place for him.
Good for you for being concerned. I think by telling her your concerns you have done what you can in this situation. Sometimes things sink in when people think about what was said for a while. Unfortunately, the pot smoking dad is one of the contributors to the problem. The son grew up thinking it was no big deal. I'm sorry that you are going to have to help her pick up the pieces if he needs help again.
I can't believe some of the responses here, I hope those of you who think pot is no big deal, get the doctor who just smoked a little dope or the mechanic who did some. I personally don't want to work with people who are high and don't want to have to deal with them when I need service on something.
Have you ever heard the term co-dependant. Hmm? A little? This is ridiculous! Their son does not have a fighting chance unless he takes on his own sobriety and is wanting to stay sober. In all reality his sobriety is his responsibity. I am not a fan of sticking your nose where it might not belong, however you have been brought in on this and provided with information that is and would be considered a "slippery situation" for a newly sober person trying to work a program. Call the center as a concerned friend as you are. They will have sober living options to introduce to your friends son. It will then be up to him to take the opportunity or not. I wouldn't say a word to your "friend" (not sure if you will continue this friendship unless you are good with recreational drug users) as she will most likely disagree or continue her path of destruction by way of ignorance or neediness with regard to her son and maybe not wanting him to succeed or grow up.
Take care and I try not to be so harsh or judgmental and honestly speaking, your friend needs help just as much as her child. If he gets well, he might invite her to get involved in a support group or alanon of coda (?? not sure on the spelling or group). She may be an alcoholic as well and sometimes alcoholics and addicts that are not in recovery, need to have those around them to feel "normal".
Take care
I know a person like that has let kids drink, have sex and smoke pot in the home as early as 14 (dad smokes pot). I would just die if any of my children would have to go through what hers have gone thru and going thru and in her eyes she is so blessed. You can't tell her anything you are just being negative and mean. I use to think she was crazy but I think she tells herself so much that she's starting to believe it or thinks the more she says it or prays it it will change. I've learned you can't help a person who is fooling themselves.
What kind of Addict is he?
Drugs? What kind?
Alcohol?
Both?
Sure, once an addict always an addict.
But that is NOT always the case.
Meaning... SOME people do quit.
Or it was just a phase in life. Then they just stop. Because they grew up and grew past.... this bad phase.
But it is not your business.
As you see, the son is still talking irrational.
Meaning he is still talking like an addict.
An addict, is not cured, in 1 week, nor just because they go to Rehab.
Anything, can be quit from.
If a person wants to.
Some addictions have a high rate of relapse.
Some not as much.
The the rate of success, ALSO depends on the individual.
Parents don't realize how much of a silent impact they have on their children. My parents never tried any street drugs, never drank coffee, never smoked....ALL of those are addictions. My mom would have an alcoholic drink maybe 1x/year and my dad had a few beers per week.
Guess what? I'm 37 and have never tried street drugs, hate the taste of coffee and have never smoked....and literally, have never even had an antibiotic. They never took me to the MD for prescription drugs, so I never had any prescription drugs growing up....so the leap from prescription to street wasn't there for me. If I have 1 alcoholic drink per month, it's surprising.
My husband's dad drinks coffee every morning and has a few hard alcoholic drinks per night. My husband has coffee every morning and 2-3 beers ever night.
Unfortunately, it's not your job. His parents are too busy enjoying their own life, rather than taking responsibility as a parent. Wow. $30K, that's a good vacation. I wish I had that to throw away. Poor kid. You might sit her down and tell her how you feel and that WHEN he relapses, please don't come crying to you...and when she does, you might want to just step out of her drama.
