Ouch. - Austin,TX

Ha, we should meet! I feel the same way about myself. It's been worse the past few years it seems. I'm aware that I say the wrong thing, or at least I think I do, sometimes even while the words are coming out of my mouth! But even though I'm aware and try not to do it, it still seems to happen. Hopefully it's more in my head and others don't see it the same way. I have had a thing or two I've said bother me so much that I finally got the nerve to apologize later on. One time the other person said 'it's no big deal, we're good'. So that helped. I still feel embarrassed, but at least I put myself out there and apologized! I think making the effort can be worth it. Good luck!!

Haha. I dont know what your talking about but....
This weekend we were at my MIL's and my baby was crying and my friend was holding her and said "Ahhh, do you want to go to grandma?"
I said "Oh, she doesnt like Grandma!!"

Lmao!!

What I meant was, my MIL is only 48 and she refuses to be called grandma, She named herself Grammy. So when my friend said Grandma, I meant Grammy doesnt like being called Grandma.

How it came out was, Baby doesnt like Grandma.

I got the dirtiest look. Lol. I had to explain, but I dont think she bought it.

Oh well....

We all put our foot in out mouth sometimes.

As long as you are not a malicious or evil woman (sounds like your not or you wouldn't be writing this) just let it go. The person will know you didn't meant to hurt them.

If bringing it up again isn't a big deal, apologize.

In my personal life I tend to do great; I'm good at saying what I mean and meaning what I say, and apologizing if I step in it. Professionally, I usually have a second set of eyes and ears to check it. I tend to be pretty abrupt, and it can come off harsh and brash to some. I work in an industry with huge egos and an environment that fosters insecurities, so I have to make sure that I don't sound like I'm talking down to someone. I am ever aware of my audience.

Once I made a joke in a meeting where others were spewing grievances. I never let my guard down at work, even if I'm in a closed group where we are supposed to feel comfortable enough to "unload". They were unloading, and I was hoping to lighten the mood a bit. Because a couple of people couldn't tell that I was joking, it actually came up on my annual review. I explained myself during the review, but I told my manager that I woudn't fight it because I would use that as a lesson. My lesson was to go back to being a loner and keep my comments to myself.

If you made an honest mistake and said something you didn't mean....who WOULDN'T accept and apology? The only time apologies are no good is when the person OFTEN says destructive things because it's who they really are....in which case, they never apologize anyway.

If you asked wrong, and the answer was wrong, why not say, "NO, what I meant was..." And clear it up? You mean on a written forum where you can't?

If you were simply misunderstood, then apologize and say what you really meant.

I almost never accidentally offend someone, because I'm usually careful not to. If I make a mistake or act badly, I do apologize, and people ALWAYS accept it because humans feel validated when you tell them you know you were wrong and you're sorry. If someone was offended at what I said because I was calling them on something and we're on opposing sides, then I don't take it back. So that's different.

Honest, an earnest, sincere, clear, specific apology does WONDERS. Especially for a misunderstanding. Most people don't have the balls to apologize for things. People have rarely apologized to me. But when they do, it ALWAYS means a lot.

Sounds like you need to get to the bottom of WHY you do this often (if you really do). Is it because you feel bad AFTER what you say based on people's reactions? Maybe you meant what you said/asked and just didn't like how it was perceived? Maybe the listener is wrong? I would talk to someone about this in detail (therapist?) if you really don't know how to communicate. You shouldn't he sitting there hating yourself for this very often!

Oh yeah, I have felt the sting of a hurt look when I really didn't mean to be harsh. I hate it to the point I have kind of shut down some of my social commitments. I avoid HSchool volunteer stuff so i dont mess up my kids reputations!
I had a mom with no filter and sometimes I fall into that familiar pattern. I can think of one lady I messed up so badly with that she really doesn't like me. I belong to a group with a leader who tried to get this other lady to come to the same group and she would not, even years after the offence.

That got me thinking. Really? At some point that became her problem not mine. Unforgiveness hurts all involved. We are human and mistakes happen.
. Even though I am a fairly good communicator, my problem lies in how directly I address things. I see a problem, tare it down to its smallest part and try to fix that. Couple this with the fact I married a man with efficiency as his ultimate goal and it grows on you after 25 years and well..sometimes people aren't looking for that kind of help!

Sometimes it's just the run of the mill thing that I have forgotten some ultimate detail of this person's life and that makes what I said a huge no, no!
Explaining helps a few times but when you have really stepped in it, only time and their forgiveness cures it! Don't cry. Maybe just quiet down some!

I think where you might be getting into trouble is when you apologize, you add lots of explanation.

You need to know that an apology that is appended with a bunch of explanation is NOT an apology. It's kind of like saying, "I'm sorry BUT...it wasn't really my fault because..." That's not apologizing.

So when you apologize to someone, just say, "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I know I stick my foot in my mouth sometimes." And leave it at that.

Judging from your "What Happened," I think you tend to overthink things and over-analyze and over-explain. Try less talking, and more listening.

If you feel like you are doing this consistently, you may want to look for help. If you understand why you are doing it, you are less likely to repeat the experience. There are many scary sounding disorders (such as aspergers and autism) many people have in very mild forms that make life more difficult. There is help and it is often fairly simple, but you have to find a professional to help diagnose the issue.

Secondly, I know I have a tendency to over think things. I put my foot in my mouth and obsess over the mistake while everyone else forgot it even happened. Forgive yourself first, then see if you actually offended anybody. If you did, apologize.

It happens to the best of us from time to time!
Maybe try writing a letter to apoligize for any misunderstandings and to relay your true message/question more clearly???

You cannot control other people's interpretations of your words. Be as clear as possible when you ask something or respond to something. Online, all the non-verbal cues are gone, so it is particularly important to be clear.

That being said- some people are just plain too sensitive and no matter what you say or how you say it, they are going to find fault.

I do the same as you- one of my go to phrases is that if I am in trouble, it's my mouth that put me there!

I think that only passive aggressive people will make you feel the hurt you are expressing. Other people will call you out on it (in private) and together yall can laugh or discuss the issue.

Been there, done that. I used to be really, really bad about it when i was younger (early - mid 20's) and gradually got better about it. Painful learning experiences helped me to choose my words more carefully :) And after some bad experiences, I started 'practicing' appropriate responses to common questions/remarks in front of a mirror. Though I couldn't practice a response for every question I would ever receive, it did help me to build the confidence that i can go into situations without looking like a bumbling fool. I do the same thing to this very day with interviews - practice answers out loud in front of a mirror or as I'm driving.

Wit and humor have helped me diffuse a lot of sticky situations as well. Again, practiced at first, it comes naturally for me now. People tend to regard me as a 'funny' person. They know to not expect what might come from me (but in a good way!)

As far as apologies go, yes, they are helpful. My rule is the sooner the better. Smile, be sincere, grovel. You'll feel better and if the person is worth continuing to know, they will accept you as the human you are.

Hang in there. You are not alone. Everyone screws up and at least you recognize it and want to change it. I would really tell whoever you hurt, that you are sorry. Give a heartfelt apology and they should be receptive to it. GL

Oooh this is me!!! I always offend ppl. Most of the friends I make (not the hubbys friends) understand me and do not get offended. They know I am never trying to be mean or rude. But they know if they ask if they look fat I will tell them honestly. A year ago I offended a friend by asking her why she did not allow her 13 yr old daughter to go to a house my 3 yr old son was going to? There was a kid her daughters age at the house. She never ever lets her daughter do anything. Like birthdays and they are extra mean to her. So by me asking why she couldnt go i was "questioning her parenting skills". No I wanted to know why she wasnt allowed to go to the house my son was going to because of the way she said " your not going to THERE house" like something was wrong with there house?? I wanted to know. ANY other friend would have told me. She was just being mean to her daughter and not allowing her to go. (if you knew her you would know how mean she is). I appoligized and she started crying and went home!

Another time is when my imbalanced sil was taking some handmade antique quilts home...that were hers her father dropped them at our house. she was excited, then sad, then annoyed she was stuck with them because we told her we did not want them. then she got all sorts of crazy and was saying odd things like you dont want me here. and I said " dont be weird" and she said "oh now I am weird" and burst in tears and ran out. ..... she is medicated and it was weird. i dont say much to her and avoid her. she cries every time i see her so its not that biggie. but i did feel bad...weird!