Other Mom Disorganized

I even tell my son we cannot plan a playdate the same day he wants one, it has to be in advance.

This mom could be so overwheled and need a shoulder..so maybe see about having Her over for coffee or meeting her somewhere to talk this out..try not to accuse or assume as you may not know what is going on..but do not give up on her and her daughter as they may need you as friends and to make her daughter pay for her moms lateness would be unfair.

Even try to give 'fake' times so she could be there ontime?

You should be honest and let the mom know what is going on. Tell her that you are not trying to be rude, but if she wanted to do play dates you have to know asap and stuff like that. Its not right that she calls last minute or is late with things. Be honest

Are you sure that the movie thing was the mom's fault? Perhaps the daughter thought the plan was set in stone when, in fact, it wasn't.

Since you didn't deal with the mother on the issue, I would talk to mother about that specific incident. "Gee, I'm so sorry about the other night. When Janie set up the movie date we didn't realize when it would happen, so we were caught off guard when she called. We just didn't have enough time to eat dinner beforehand."

As for picking up late from your house, I'd leave that for now and address it the next time it occurs. Alternatively, you could not allow playdates at your house anymore.

If the other mom is that disorganized, it may be up to you to firm up plans before another date occurs if you want the two girls to remain friends.

Maybe it was just mis-communication? It seems like you knew what time the movie was supposed to be at, so it must've been mentioned. I personally would have carried out the day as if we were still going at the time mentioned, and if it didn't happen, find something else to do. I've had experiences with people where we'll make loose plans, like on weekends, and then neither of us will call each other. Or, if the plans are originally in the afternoon, I may get tied up with something in the morning and call after the original time to see if we can still get together.
Everyone is so busy with life right now. I'm super schedule oriented, but when it comes to 'extra' activities, it's nice to not have it planned all the way. Obviously for school, appointments, bedtime, etc. schedules are really important. But, once in a while it's nice to NOT have that schedule. Maybe the mom is taking a break with structured life and not realizing it bothers people?

Wow, sounds pretty inconsiderate and assuming on their part. I also don't fly by the seat of my pants so I think I'd have to make it clear that the plans were tentative and that we needed to hear from them much sooner than 15 minutes before needing to leave in order to "eat dinner before we leave" and still have time to get ready and drive there. I suppose I'd explain that you have other things going on and you need many hours notice in order to plan accordingly. My daughter is only 3, so I haven't dealt with this personally yet, but I think if you don't clearly spell it out for them, then they are going to keep expecting you to drop everything, be disappointed (not understanding why you "changed your mind"), and then cause a rift between the girls. Maybe you want that!?? ;) I'm sure the little girl has no concept of the time needed to get ready and the last minute thing being a problem. It's the mom that is obviously a spontaneous person, or assuming that tentative plans are definite. Good luck!

Hi Kelli,

You already know what needs to be said. I would just head off future last minute arrangements by telling the other mother now so that the children aren't bearing the burden of such disorganization. You want her to know that last minute plans are too difficult on everyone. If they include a movie you prefer to arrive at the theatre 15 minutes in advance; if they are at home you may be more flexible as long as you know the time frame. Not everyone is organized nor mature enough to know that other people's time is valuable too.

I would definitely just be honest, in as nice a way as possible. You could say something like, "I'm so sorry Susie was upset that we couldn't get Jane to your house the other day. We must have gotten our signals crossed. When we didn't hear from you to firm up plans, we assumed the movie date was off. It just wasn't possible to eat, go to the ATM and drop Jane off in 15 minutes. Jane was disappointed too. Can we agree to make firm plans at least a day in advance to prevent disappointing both girls? With our schedules we just can't be spontaneous."

Then, I would talk to your daughter about proper play date etiquette and explain that some families are just not punctual and aren't good planners. Then, continue to invite Susie to your house and only accept invitations that give you enough advance notice or are convenient for you. Never stress yourself out trying to make playdates happen at the last minute and when Jane has to decline, have her tell Susie that "it's too last minute, we already have plans". If you know that Susie's parents are not good about picking her up on time, ask them to pick up earlier than you actually need, or arrange to bring her home yourself. Good luck.

I would suggest not having any more playdates with this little girl. It's too bad for her that her mother is a mess when it comes to planning and prioritization. You have other plans, and it seems like it's creating more anxiety and annoyance in your life than joy. Your daughter has other friends, probably, that she can play with without this inconvenience. Don't put yourself through it anymore.

Hi. I read the other moms comments plus your "So what happened" and I just wanted to add my two cents. My son is 17 and I, too, dealt with a mother like this when he was little. The only thing you can say, since you already had a falling out with her, is: "I just can't do the last minute stuff anymore. My daughter loves your daughter, but I just can't do the last minute stuff anymore." Then I have two ideas for the other stuff. When her daughter invites your daughter over, you have tell your daughter that she will NOT be allowed to go, you will NOT even take the invitation seriously unless the other Mom calls. Tell your daughter to tell this to her friend. Tell your daughter to tell her friend for the mother to call you the day before, NOT the same day of something. Otherwise, just tell your daugther point-blank that she cannot do it with the other girl without your speaking to her mother PREVIOUS to the thing they want to do. Also, if you want the friend picked up at 6:00, tell the mother 5:30 (just like other moms suggested). OR, even better, just tell the mother that YOU will drop the daughter off at 6:00. This way you get the kid out of your house, especially since it is only 5 mins. away as you say. Again, just say: "I can't do spur of the moment things anymore. My daughter gets mad and we have a fight if we can't accomodate your invitation." Good luck.

Well, it could be that what you thought was a "tentative plan" in the other mom's mind was not tentative. In addition, you could have called her to confirm. I guess if you know that she is friends with your daughter, try to make more of an effort to get more info when you can.
If you do feel a need to address this with the other mom. You can say something like "Hey sorry about last night, I did not hear from you so we thought it was not going to happen and we made other plans. I know it sounds silly, but it would be better for us to just firm up plans earlier so that we can plan our day." Make it sound like you are the crazy busy one and you are very greatful that she is helping you by planning more in advance. That might help.

But I would be careful with assuming that she is not organized etc. It sounds to me like the lines of communication need to be more open.
E.

Its time for a sit down disscusion with the other mom.

Let her know you don't let your child make playdates. Tell her that if she wants them to go somewhere together you need specific details form her the day before. Also tell her she needs to be back at the time she says she will be when picking her child up after playdates. let her know your life runs on schedule and when shes late your day is messed up.

If you don't make rules now can you imagine how hard it will be when your girls are in middle/high school?

Kelli, I can certainly understand your frustration, that would drive me CRAZY! When you see the mom today, I would just say to her that you assumed the movie was off because nothing more had been mentioned such as time of movie, plans to get there, etc. I really feel you should be honest with her and say that in the future, you need there to be a plan in place and not have everything be so abrupt. Otherwise, this will never end! Good Luck!

As a last minute planner myself, I would suggest that you casually mention something to the other mom about feeling badly that things didn't quite work out and that the girls weren't able to do their movie together. You don't need to take the blame for it as it was not your fault, but something about feeling bad for the other child's disappointment (or something similar that seems appropriate) would show good form. Then, I would suggest saying something about what sort of advance notice works best for you/your family. If you need 24 or 48 hours before a get-together and a specific time to meet/location to meet for such, then gently tell her just that. Most likely, she is just a casual planner and is unaware that she was creating difficulties for your schedule. If she truly wants the girls to continue with their play dates, she will give you more notice and more specific times/carpool instructions so that her daughter isn't disappointed again. Although I tend to be less structured, I know which other moms I can call for an off hand "meet up at the park in 15" and which I should check with a couple of days in advance so they can pencil me in. I suspect the other mom just isn't aware of your personality differences and will gladly give you more secure plans when she realizes what you need to make it work on your end too. Good luck to you!

Just say, sorry we couldn't make the movie yesterday but we thought it was canceled because we hadn't heard back and so we had different plans. then say, so that it doesn't happen again, let's make sure we have everything planned at least the day before. Thanks so much and my daughter looks forward to hanging out with your daughter soon. Something like that would be perfect. If it happens again, just say that things in your house can get pretty chaotic when there isn't exact dates and times planned. Also, make sure you talk to the mom and plan the time and date - not daughter to daughter. Just get the phone from your daughter and talk to the mom and just clarify events... "Oh, ok so your daughter will be here from 3 to 5, and you'll pick her up at 5? Great because we have to run errands after." Just keep reinforcing the time and schedule with the mom. She may catch on.

Hi Kelli,
I have a sister like this. I have just taken to telling her how much lead time I need. If it can work, great, if not, oh well, there will be other times. She has gotten better. I would say to the mom, gee, your daughter was awfully upset, but with five minutes notice, we just can't pull the trigger in our house. I really need X time to be able to do stuff. There is always next time. She knows you work, and have more than one kid, she probably assumes you know what she had in mind, and letting her know you don't will make it smoother in the future.
Good luck,
D.

I just saw this after being away for a few days. The only thing I have to add is that I strongly suggest that you contact the school in April or so and ask that the girls NOT be put in the same class anymore. I'm sure you cannot request teachers, but you should be able to request that they be split due to a neighborhood issue.

Otherwise all you can do is keep your distance, or absolutely repeat everything you think you have agreed to: "Let me be sure I understand the plan. YOU will have your child ready at 4 PM with a snack, and I will pick up." You absolutely should not be dropping everything and falling into her control.

Good luck.