Opinions Wanted and Needed

Why isn't your son graduating in May? Did he change his major OR did he play too much and flunk a class? Makes a difference to me. If he played, then he pays.

Something doesn't sound right in this situation. He's just NOW telling ya'll he isn't graduating? Something is off. There is no way your son DIDN'T know he wasn't graduating in May. No way. He knew and he didn't say anything. I would guess because of the reaction he got from his Dad. However, had he come clean prior to a MONTH before graduation, perhaps the reaction wouldn't have been as epic.

Your son owns at least 50% of this situation. He is not some innocent victim. Was his father's reaction over the top? Yes, BUT your son wasn't upfront and honest either. Honestly, some of the questions your ex asked are legit. Why didn't your son tell him before money was spent on a vacation? Why didn't your son tell his father (the person footing the bill) that he wasn't graduating in May 2016 but May 2017? Your son does owe his father an explanation as to the reasons behind this. He also needs to come clean with everyone on how long he has known this.

Our son is graduating from college May 14, 2016 at 9:30 am. Yes, I'm excited! Yes, I'm glad that I don't have to pay that bill anymore. Yes, we are going on a trip to celebrate his graduation and our 30th Wedding Anniversary. I would be livid if he came to us and said "Oh by the way, I'm not graduating in May. Its next May." My answer to him would be "I am only paying until May 14, 2016, 9:30 a.m.!! =)

Overreaction by ex? Yes. Under reaction by you? Yes. Responsibility on your son? Yes.

I would be more pissed if I were just now finding out about this. What has he been doing all this time?

Your son needs to learn some personal responsibility. He knew long before now that he would not be graduating. He needs to own up to this issue.

My daughter is a junior in college and the actual graduation date to be specifically on time is not that big of a deal for us. She didn't goof off... She's worked as an unpaid intern, been involved with business school activities and maintained a 4.0. She's going straight to grad school when she's done. So the graduatin date does not mean that much to us UNLESS she just blows off classes, blows off her GPA, etc.

As for the paternal relatives, screw them. He doesn't need their approval for anything. Who wants a relationship with someone like that!!!

So what if ex makes $165,000 a year. That does not make you, your son or anyone else entitled to it.

Did you really expect others to write a check? Why didn't you write a check? Better yet, your son needs to have some skin in this game so he can be appreciative.

$13,000 is spare change when it comes to college tuition. I'd love to see my daughters tuition at $13,000.

Help get him back on track so he can become the responsible adult he needs to be!

Honestly what bothered me most about your post was the statement 'nobody opened their checkbook'. It appears that you and your son have the opinion that everyone else should pay for his schooling except you or your son. I understand bio dad being extremely upset that he is now on the hook for another $12,000 plus in support. That's a lot of money. How much he makes is irrelevant. That's none of your business. Or ours actually. The biggest question of all is one that you purposely left out. WHY isn't your son graduating on time? The fact that you left out that information makes me think that the answer wouldn't make your son look very good.

First, I don't see how you are accepting the fact that your son has a pretty large responsibility in all of this. He was supposed to graduate in just over a month and this information just comes to light now? You bet I would be pissed as he** at one of my kids for pulling a stunt like this - not the not graduating, but the not telling.

I think that Dad didn't handle it well. BUT I am going to assume that your son is about 22 years old and can completely handle everything Dad did say. I would be pretty irritated myself if I had committed monies to a future commitment because I had planned for FOUR YEARS that a different financial commitment was going to end.

You don't mention why your son isn't graduating, and I guess that really isn't pertinent to your question. However, that would factor in greatly to my reaction. If my kid had cancer and had to go an extra year, that's one thing. If my kid screwed around, missed classes, changed his/her major 11 times, etc. I would serious require my ADULT child to step up to the plate and take some responsibility.

You asked if you were crazy for their reactions . . . although your post is long, it actually doesn't answer the REAL questions I would be asking like: how long did your son know before telling everyone he wasn't going to graduate; or what is the reason your son isn't graduating; or is your son actually taking advantage of everyone involved? Those are the factors that would drive my reaction to what Dad said. I will say one thing: not one this Dad said was untruthful - sometimes the truth hurts. Remember, your son is an adult, not a child.

Not sure why he said that to his son but I am also confused as to why you get another year of child support just because your son failed college. I mean of course you aren't upset, you are getting another 13k for pretty much nothing. You have no skin in the game and on top of that you seem to be upset he doesn't cough up more money for summer school.

Who cares how much your ex makes, it isn't your money and apparently your son doesn't respect that it isn't his money either if he failed classes and has to repeat them to graduate. Sorry if this sounds over the top but you and your son sound totally spoiled.

Okay, just read the other answers and I am totally confused. Was there more to this post before? Yeah, your ex husband's reaction to his son was over the top. These are things he should have discussed with you and only you. Still your son failed classes, I would be pretty upset if my kids failed classes I paid for, oh and my ex an I do pay all of our kid's college expenses, so I get how your ex husband feels. What I don't get is why you are so flip about your ex's money. Do you not pay anything? Perhaps that is why you don't care. I work hard for the money I put towards my kid's education and my ex and I would be united in the kid has to pay for the extra time in college themselves.

My older daughter changed majors so to make up the lost classes she took summer classes at the community college here. She also paid that herself even though she carried a 3.8 and I would have been happy to pay for it. I may have read this wrong but I am getting totally ungrateful people and an ex losing it because no one seems to care.

Your son is irresponsible; he didn't communicate to his dad and he new there was a graduation trip being planned for some time. Why aren't you mad at your son?

Also, $13,000 a year!! What a steal. My daughters was $28,000, in state, and she graduated 5 years ago.

Yep. I agree the actions were more than over the top. If he were mine, he'd have get a job to earn the money for that last year. My father told me that he was paying for 4 years, if it took any more, I'd be responsible for that money. I thought that was fair at the time and still do. $13,000 would not be that hard for him to earn and in the process, he'd gain more maturity and independence. Your ex should be ashamed of himself. Humiliation is never the right answer.

Yes, bio dad's responses were over the top and uncalled for. He could have just said, "Okay, son, but I only committed to four years so you will have to take out a loan for the fifth."

It's reasonable to not pay their college forever, but it's not reasonable to be verbally abusive about it.

First I can absoultely understand your husband being mad and disappointed. What happened that your son is not graduating in 4 years? Also, how presumptuous of your son to think his dad should help finance a 5th year. Also, was your son unaware of the graduation trip/gift. If so, he should have spoken up months ago if not years ago when he knew he wouldn't graduate in the 4 year time frame.

Also, $165,000 is not a lot of money if your ex lives in the Jersey area too. The fact that he owes the IRS money shows he is not rolling in cash. Even if he had unlimited funds however, I still think your son was extremely irresponsible by not getting it done in 4 years with no explanation. Now if he changed majors and communicated this was going to set him back a year that is one thing but he did not.

One last thought...if your son doesn't have $1,700 for summer classes how is he financing another whole year of college?

Well, how does your son plan to pay for one more year?
Is he getting a job?
If he's not taking any classes this summer - he needs to be working - picking up trash, mowing lawns, walking dogs, bussing tables, being a waiter, stocking store shelves, working fast food, etc.
Is he taking out any student loans?
Life happens while we're making other plans.

I changed majors and took one year longer to graduate than was planned.
I had one year of student loans - which wasn't bad.
A lot of kids I went to school with were in major hock for their entire college education - and if the job market didn't look good when they were graduating - they took out more loans and went to graduate school for their Masters or PhD.

If family will help - great - but if not - your son has options and he needs to figure this out.
The extended families expectations, disappointment, shaming, etc - are irrelevant.
What his bio Dad makes is irrelevant (yeah it would be nice if he helped his son out but I wouldn't hold my breath - he's not winning any Dad of the Year awards).
Put aside your outrage and work the problem - or more importantly - follow your sons lead as HE works the problem.
He's going to do a lot of growing up this last year.
It'll be good for him.

I think you left out the very heart of the matter.

What behavior led to your son not finishing on time? I bet it's your son's behavior that your ex is upset with - and maybe it's warranted. Without telling us the why - what he has done - hard to say if your ex's reaction is that over the top.

If my son had been partying for example and did not complete on time, I'd be pissed. Disappointed. Angry. I'd expect him to pay the last year.

As parents, we're supposed to focus on the behavior we don't like and not the kid, but being blindsided by this news - I'd have a hard time remembering that. I'm sure I'd be very annoyed.

Being blindsided shows a total lack of respect - so maybe that's where "What have I ever done to you to deserve being treated like this?" comment came from.

If it were me, I'd speak with my ex about it and clear the air and find out what was actually said. This may all be a big exaggeration. You're hearing this through your son.

Your son sat through a 4 hr meeting? You've raised a polity kiddo because that was really over the top. Whatever the agreement is for him helping to fund his son's education is what needs to happen. Child support for another year is a given. He doesn't get to have an accounting of how his money is being spent. He should have told dear old dad to cancel the graduation trip and use that money toward his irs debt. Honestly why would he put together a trip when he owes money to the irs anyways? Stupid. What do we tell our friends? How about dear son didn't have enough credits to graduate this year so you'll have to contain your excitement for another year.

My son was in school for 5 yrs because the classes he had to take for his degree weren't offered every semester and he had to take them in a certain order. Sometimes life gets in the way of your best laid plans.

This situation doesn't make a lot of sense. Each degree program is structured with a specific course list and requirement of credits. It's not hard to take this list and structure your school schedule and mark classes off as you go to ensure that you have all of the necessary credits for graduation. Some degree programs really do take the better part of 5 years to complete. Either way, the requirements are spelled out and it was up to your son to be an adult and make sure that he was on track to graduate. Your son messed up. There is no way that he didn't know way earlier that he was an entire year behind.

You don't elaborate on why he is behind on his anticipated graduation date. There could be many justifiable reasons for it, but there is no reason for him to hide the fact that he will not graduate as anticipated until now. It sounds like the other side of the family had been making plans based on this graduation date. Your son has also been taking money for his tuition from his Dad. Yeah, it sounds like Dad's reaction was pretty volcanic but I get why he is pissed off. If you son has screwed up, then why would you expect Dad to pull out his checkbook for an additional $1700?

What is your son going to do now? I would suggest that he adult up and find a way to pay for his last year on his own.

Unless the reason he's taking an extra year is due to excessive partying/failing to show up for classes this past year, then yes, the reaction was over the top. Taking 5 years is more common than most parents realize these days, especially at bigger schools where it's difficult to get into the classes you need for your major.

If the reason he's taking another year IS due to totally blowing off the current year (if he didn't go to class or he failed classes), then re-thinking whether or not DS is taking school seriously and rethinking paying for it is reasonable.

ETA: Julie S, there wasn't more here. I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt as to why he's not graduating because the post goes to great effort to leave that out. But the bit about Dad getting the grades, etc, sure sounds like he failed his classes this semester. And if that is the case, then DS needs to step up and pay for his own college. Maybe if he's paying, he'll take it more seriously. (although the extended family public humiliation session was over the top, regardless)

ETA

The math. Most bachelor's degrees are somewhere around 120 hours, admittedly some are more but the minimum is 120.

So, that's 12 hours per semester, full time, and then 2 classes each summer, again FULL TIME. That's it. 12+12+6. 30 hours per year. 30x4=120 so the minimum is 4 years unless they take 15 hour per semester then they can get by without the summer classes.

SO the FACT that your son needs another 24-30 hours to graduate...shocking. Okay? just shocking. Did he take a year off? Most people who don't graduate in May take a couple more classes and graduate in July, or they go that next fall and graduate in December.

No one has to add another whole 24-30 hours unless they change their major AFTER they've already completed their basic classes are in their CORE class area. Then they can realistically add another year because many of the core classes they've taken don't count for their new major. BUT they know going into the new program what will count and what won't. They know this because they sit down with an adviser to officially change their major on paper.

My personal thoughts on this are that dad and other family have made big plans with the intent of celebrating this big event. Since they've just found out they've probably made reservations, bought items, and more. So they are not only out money they have to tell everyone their kid isn't going to graduate, not even in July or December, just not at all this year.

I'd have been mad and yelling at him and saying all sorts of things but it wouldn't have lasted 4 hours. It would last a LONG LONG time and I'd not give him another penny if it's his own fault. The part about just putting off telling everyone is a HUGE mistake. He's known for some time. Didn't his adviser have a graduation meeting with him last fall to make sure his spring enrollment completed what he needed for graduation so he's know since last fall that he didn't have enough hours to graduate...he needs a WHOLE YEAR...that is THE thing. Okay? He's known he didn't have enough hours to graduate in May since he went for spring enrollment. He could have called dad and you to let you know his hours aren't going to work out and to not plan something.

He made the choice to not listen or process what his adviser told him last fall.

If he only needed a few more hours or a couple of specific classes then he'd have still known last fall. IF his grades this semester have been failing THEN HE WOULD ONLY HAVE TO REPEAT THIS SEMESTER, NOT A FULL YEAR!

*********************************Original answer***********************

Well, you're very lucky the dad is giving you a penny, since he's not legally obligated once his child reaches adulthood. It doesn't matter if he's a millionaire, he isn't obligated to give his son anything, neither are you. Paying for their college education is a super wonderful gift. If dad needs the extra money to pay his bills he has the right to say no more.

I'd say it's on you if you're willing to continue supporting him. If you can't afford to pay for his college then he has choices that rely on his own circumstances.

He can get loans, he can apply for financial aid, he can try and get scholarships, and more.

He's an adult and should be the one that is figuring this out, then coming to you to find out what you're willing to help him with.

You have the right to say you don't have any more money but that you'll try to help him with applying for the student loan part. If he borrows $15K for the year then graduates and starts repayment on time he won't be paying much per month and would be able to get it paid off quicker.

No, they are not over the top. I kind of think you are over the top with the comment about no one pulling out a checkbook. Why should they do that? I think both you and your son have entitlement issues. Just because dad makes a decent living and your child is an only, doesn't mean anything. Your ex has paid his child support; he was counting the months until that would end. If it were you making those payments, you would have been doing the same thing. I can see his disappointment, although maybe he should have filtered some of his thoughts before they came out of his mouth. But I think you and your son need to understand how disappointed he is and cut him some slack. Give him time to digest the situation.

You've gotten a lot of responses. Please post your SWH.

Yes their reactions where over the top but why is this just now coming up? Some of these questions from dad are perfectly reasonable. There is no way your son didn't know sooner that he wasn't on track!

When/if your son graduates from college is NONE of the extended family's business (it's really nobody's business since he's 22)! Most of my friends who took 5 years changed their major--nothing wrong with that! It is very generous of any parent to put their kid(s) through college--no child should expect that! If your ex won't pay, then take out loans! $13k is nothing in the grand scheme of life. It will also give him a little incentive to guarantee he'll graduate!

If I was dad, I'd be pissed to find out this late in the game! Your son definitely knew something more than a few weeks before graduation. If dad was paying, you should have kept him in the loop.

Do you pay for college from the $1100/mo or does dad pay for college on top of child support? I've never heard of child support for a 22 year old.

And, what your ex makes is irrelevant! Your son is 22--let him fight his own battles!

Could use some more details, but it sounds like everyone was in the wrong. Your son, for poor planning, or hiding this from you guys, dad for getting his parents involved, and you for under reacting to the finances of the whole situation. I sure hope your son has a job or two to help foot the bill for next year. Did he change majors, party too much, fail some classes, fail to sign up for the right classes, are grandma and grandpa paying for school?

A 4 hour meeting sounds over the top but same time, telling you this less than 2 months before graduation?? And a whole other year? The combination of that does imply some pretty big lack of responsibility, planning and reporting into who is paying the bills on your son's account. Even an illness doesn't explain an additional year last minute. I'd be really mad too.

After reading some other responses I do agree...that your son should have been keeping you both informed earlier than this. This news should not have come so late that he needs to do another year. I also agree that he should not expect for a parent to pay for college...he should not feel entitled this way. He is an adult now. (Also it does seem as though you expect for his Dad to pay for it as well). But yes, his Dad's reaction was too much...I feel bad for your son having to deal with that. But Dad agreed to pay for 4 years of college and not 5. Dad should have stated calmly he is disappointed because that is an extra expense he was not expecting to have and 1. offered to pay for the 5th year or 2. said I'm sorry but you will have to take out a loan yourself. Then he should have let it go and not freaked out so much. However, your son is an adult now and he can work all summer and save that money for helping to pay for college. He also can take out a loan(s) if needed. I had to pay for my entire college and grad school expense myself with no help from parents. I worked as a lab assistant, as a bagger at the grocery store, and as a veterinarian assistant off and on all throughout college. I also had to apply to every grant, scholarship, and loan that I could/needed to in order to squeak by. I worked 5 years before starting grad school and while in grad school I worked teaching science lab classes to undergraduates. It took a while to pay off the student loans...but slow and steady paid off.

I'd be disappointed too if in his last semester, my son said, well, not going to graduate. I will be needing one more year. I'd go insane as well. Although I don't care what friends think. I would also demand to be more involved (as you and dad should have been all along) so that I am sure 5 years doesn't turn into 6 and to be sure there is a degree at the end of all of this.

I think it is very generous to pay for a kids school for 4 years. My reaction would be to say, well, 5th year is on you. Go apply for some loans. I'd also cancel his vacation. I'd go crazy about that part as well.

I applaud the support that you are giving your son but I'd be pretty annoyed as well.

Wow. You ex was over the top. I am still amazed that he got the grades with FASPA regulations in effect. (I work at a university and there are just so many rules and regs around this that we get monthly.)

Son should have come clean earlier about his grades and what he had planned to do to be or get on track for graduation 2017. He should apply for the loans and work this summer. He has to show much skin in the game to get anywhere. He is going to have to show a lot for his dad to do anything for him in the future. Your son does need to grow up and be the adult and not be entitled as future employers will not hire him.

As to your ex's explosion it was not needed but he did it. He felt that he was at an end to an obligation only to have it extended for another year and his plans for financial obligations were changed. But I can see how he felt because he felt betrayed and now has to change things. His ego got in the way of the son graduating on time and him boasting about how great his son is/was. Big black eye on dad's face.

Son can fess up to his lack of studying, too much partying or whatever and support himself in school for the next one or two years to complete his degree. This is where the rubber meets the road as to how much he wants that degree for his future.

All you can do is what you have done. He will either graduate or not. It's on him. I see many non-traditional students trying to finish or improve themselves at 35 to 50.

Welcome to the real world and how it works. Your obligations have or are nearly ended for this chap.

the other S.

To answer your question: No, you are not crazy. Your ex and these other family members are way, way out of line. In fact, your ex has done your son FAR more harm than good by going to the college and stamping around demanding that his son be treated like some special case. The college authorities are going to remember that and your son will be labeled, unfortunately, as having the worst helicopter parent ever. (If your ex is that controlling and hovering, I'd be worried that the first time son has a problem at his first job, daddy is going to go all ballistic at the employer -- which will be the kiss of death to your son's employment).

I agree with others below that your son should have told you sooner that he was in trouble (whether it's academic or personal). But you cannot undo that now. Sit down with him and talk to him adult to adult, and point out that YOU are not on the same page as his bio dad or the grandparents, but you are worried and disappointed -- not about the late graduation, but about the fact he did not feel he could come to you much, much sooner. After that dreadful and unnecessary four-hour "meeting," he may feel he never wants to speak to anyone in his family ever again, but you need to let him know that he can talk to YOU and while you will be frank with him about things, you also will not rake him over the coals like they did, nor will you intervene with the college; tell him he is an adult, and adults should be direct and open, and you are there to help him if he will be open with you.

He may need to find the money for this additional year of college. Talk with him about ways he can do that. If your ex pays for this, your son (and you) will hear about it until the end of time. If you can possibly help son find a way to pay for this extra year on his own, even with a loan (unless he's already burdened with loans?), then do it. Dad sees money as power over his son, apparently, and paying for another year of college is going to give dad even more power to ask throughout the year how and what son is doing and to dog him over every class and every penny.

Meanwhile, think about the bigger picture here for your son, yourself, and your larger family dynamic. What family thinks it's appropriate to spend four hours hashing over this situation? Four hours sounds like a drug intervention, not a discussion of "I need you know I'm failing some classes/messed up some assignments and will not graduate this June." Son needs to grow enough spine to know when to say firmly, "Dad, thank you for these past four years. I am going to cover this last year myself. Grandparents, I understand that you are disappointed and so am I, but this time could be better spent by me in going online to research student loans." And so on.

He needs to man up but bio dad needs to be pushed to the side here financially if there is any way to do so. Yes, bio dad should help pay for college -- but since he's also going to make your son's life hell, it's time to cut that string any way possible.

Your son also needs to consider: Has dad always been this much of a helicopter parent? That would worry me. Daddy cannot pull another stunt where he goes to the college. It's just not acceptable adult behavior and it taints your son's reputation in his academic major department, frankly.

What the hell? When my son changed his major freshman year we knew that it would take him another year to finish. There was some initial disappointment (mostly due to the extra expense) but we didn't have a family meeting or make any public announcements. And our friends certainly wouldn't care one way or another, that just sounds silly. I understand dad not wanting to pay for another year but why all this other drama? I guess that's why your son waited so long to tell you guys, he has probably been dreading this over the top reaction :-(

I feel badly for your son that he has been so rejected by his father and the grandparents.

I'm a little surprised that, in late March of senior year, your son is just finding out that he needs an entire extra year (not an extra class or even one semester) so I'm thinking he has known about this for some time and didn't tell you, let alone his father. So he was avoiding the reality of the situation, and not letting anyone know with a big graduation trip looming, was a bit inconsiderate. I don't think that justifies comments about "devastation" and "disappointment" at all, mind you. And forcing a family meeting for hours to break it to the grandparents? What's that about? His grandparents must not have very good friends if this would make a difference, and I'd be shocked if they didn't all know someone who did the inadvertent 5-year plan.

"Where's the support money going?" - that's an immature comment that should be between bio dad and you, not the son. And your ex's IRS tab is not your son's concern or problem. I'm not sure why your ex wants your husband to call him about this. I don't see what your husband's role is here.

I think your son needs to come up with a reasonable plan of how he's going to pay for next year - that may involve a 2nd job this summer to help contribute, and he may even need to pay the whole thing. There are student loans at relatively low interest rates. He needs to contact the school financial aid office right now to talk about his options, including scholarships and grants. There's way more money out there than people may realize.

I'm not sure what they all want to do about the trip. If there are downpayment that have been forfeited, then your son needs to help address that issue.

Is this your sole child with this ex? Do you have other kids with him, or are they with your husband? If your ex thought his child support obligations were going to end this year in May, this is a surprise - and he has a leg to stand on in that department. But the way he reacted was demeaning and that may well be the reason your son didn't own up to this sooner.

Bio dad is mad at the extra money, ignore him as long as he keeps paying. I might have words with the grandparents about their uncalled for comments though, why would a grandparent want to hurt their grandchild like that, it is not like he is not finishing so there is no need to be disappointed in him, needing a little extra time is not that end of the world.

Just keep being the supportive Mom you are and tell him to just keep doing his best :)

My dad was supposed to send only $100 a month while I was in college, but he knew I could not afford a lawyer to take him to court over it (his wife was a lawyer) so he just stopped sending anything once I turned 18. Some men are more concerned with money then with their own children, sad but true.

Is there any way you could help you son come up with the extra $1700?

Assuming that this was the very first I'd heard that he wouldn't be graduating (in less than 2 months from now), I'd be irritated. A lot. Because, this isn't exactly the kind of thing son didn't know months ago... I mean, if it was one or two classes short (I can see who that could just be discovered at the last minute maybe), he'd be able to finish that up over the summer possibly, or fall semester... and then be done. But he needs another full year? This is not a surprise to dear son. Sorry.

However, I don't think I would blow up. I'd be a bit more of the stunned silence version. Then ask him, very disappointed, why he waited so long to tell me. What happened that got him off track. What his plans were going forward. Etc.
I think the guilt trip with the family and what to tell friends is absurd, and almost emotionally abusive. I seriously can't fully explain the level of how upset/angry I would be, however, without knowing your son's history. Is he typically a responsible type? Did he waste a lot of time partying and lied about how he was doing for the past 3 1/2 years? Is that his typical MO? Or.... ? Regardless, the guilt trip is out of line. The child support reference is out of line. The family meeting is out of line. That's just shaming him for no reason. None. I have nieces in college at this moment. They have NO reason to explain ANYTHING to me about their college graduation date. That's their business. Not mine. I'm proud that they are going, doing well (and one is about to graduate). But if it took her longer than she originally anticipated, that's not my business. Congratulations when she is done is all that is my business. If I were funding her (as extended family) then maybe I'd feel more entitled to a larger explanation... but beyond that? Nope. A 4 hour family meeting?? Nice. I hope he doesn't want much of a relationship with his son once he IS out of school. He won't likely have one.

My daughter did the same thing, except she never said anything until she came home. She told me she graduated and I kept saying logical things to her like, where is your diploma, when is your ceremony, where are your grades, etc. Unfortunately, had she told me, I wouldn't have had the money to pay another year either. I was devastated and disappointed. As well, I had to tell our family she did not gradate (and still hasn't). She pays for that mistake and my anger goes toward the money I put out to pay for an incomplete.

Life goes on, but if my daughter's tuition and boarding were being paid by someone else, I would have a very serious heart to heart about how hard money can be to come by. Short and brief, but I would feel something needed to be said. He doesn't understand until he is paying is own bills. As well, $165K is nothing to a $13K tuition bill which likely doesn't include books, lab fees, reg fees, room and board. Is your son planning to bag groceries or something to help foot the bill?

i am not crazy about his father's response, but i do agree, this extra year should be on your son's shoulders. it will make him appreciate the degree he gets even more. 13k doesn't grow on trees, and taking an extra year to graduate isn't really anyone's fault, certainly not yours nor his dad's. so why pay for it? but if your feelings are strong, then pick up the tab.

My SD will not be graduating on time. Bottom line, back before she filled out even one application, was that any classes past 4 years of undergrad were on her. So this last semester? She's getting a loan. My own DH did not graduate in 4...but he didn't have his parents pay for the extra year, either.

At this point, do not own their disappointment. He should finish his degree and he should fund it himself, IMO. PLENTY of places will loan him some money. I would leave your fiances between you and your son and his dad's finances between him and his son. What my stepkids' mom does or does not help with is not our concern. I would tell him to get a loan, figure out how to graduate, and move on. He's presumably 21 or 22? He can handle a few things on his own. Maybe his next step should be a trip to the financial aid department. No one owes your son additional money. He needs to figure this out himself. Just like my stepdaughter will, because she screwed up and didn't get everything on time. And, yeah, we're pretty peeved to find out just 2 months before she was supposed to get her diploma that she can walk, but they're holding the piece of paper til she finishes up this summer. This was after DH ponied up $4K to have her go to summer session last year. He's pretty angry. Your son's dad doesn't have to be happy about it, either, no matter how many kids or what he makes. He's not required to open his wallet to fix his son's mistakes. Maybe he sees it as a natural consequence. Maybe your ex didn't go about it the way you would, but the bottom line is he has a right to ask his son what his son has been doing with $13K a year. We asked my stepdaughter the same thing. She owned up to slacking and missing some really big requirements and deadlines. So now it's her problem. We'd be disappointed if she didn't graduate at all, but we still don't see that we need to pay for it past the original agreement.

I don't know the details obviously of your son's predicament, but I do know that college isn't always done in 4 years. I was talking to a friend over Easter, and she is a junior in college, she started when she was 16 because she graduated early, and took college classes in high school. She will have to do 5 years as well, because the requirements have changed. I was driving by Portland State last month, and they had a banner up that said "4 year graduation guarantee, or the additional classes are on us". This was the college posting this! I thought it was crazy, but going that 5th year is a thing now apparently.

Dad way over reacted, and the college thing...he should have been escorted out by security. I don't know how he got son's transcripts, because I can't even get mine without jumping through crazy hoops. Coming from a controlling crazy dad life, I think he should try to pay for it himself just so that the doesn't have to be under dad's thumb anymore. He needs to develop that independence and distance.

Updated

I don't know the details obviously of your son's predicament, but I do know that college isn't always done in 4 years. I was talking to a friend over Easter, and she is a junior in college, she started when she was 16 because she graduated early, and took college classes in high school. She will have to do 5 years as well, because the requirements have changed. I was driving by Portland State last month, and they had a banner up that said "4 year graduation guarantee, or the additional classes are on us". This was the college posting this! I thought it was crazy, but going that 5th year is a thing now apparently.

Dad way over reacted, and the college thing...he should have been escorted out by security. I don't know how he got son's transcripts, because I can't even get mine without jumping through crazy hoops. Coming from a controlling crazy dad life, I think he should try to pay for it himself just so that the doesn't have to be under dad's thumb anymore. He needs to develop that independence and distance.