My question is short, but the story is long.My daughter is grown,married with two kids.I was always her best friend,until 1 1/2 yrs ago.My daughter has worked for my ex-husband for 10 yrs, we all had a good relationship, until my ex's wife decided that ( they)should not pay spousal support to me anymore ,we were married 20 yrs by the way, and the money is court ordered.I had to take him back to court,,he complained to my daughter that I was causing them problems. She now blames me for all of this, she barely calls me,doesn't tell me about my grandkids anymore, completly distant .We were best friends, I swear I was the kind of mom that most of my friends would say to me how do you do it all..You have great kids and you and Amy are so close.Its like she has chosen her dads side, put herself in the middle, and is mad that I caused all of this! What do I do. I have said I'm sorry, apoligized for anything I could have said or have ever done.She is so un-emotional! Hence in the last 2 weeks, her dad and her had a falling out, and she quit her job with him, after 10 yrs! Now she is saying to hell with both of us!
We do not deserve this treatment, we were great parents, and no matter what we said or didn't say to her, nothing would warrant this treatment?
What to say or do now?
There is alot more to this story..My ex and I were best friends,20 yr marriage,easy divorce,no big drama, My daughter and I were always best friends,she'd call and we would talk 4-5 times a day,my grand kids were everything to me,in 20 years she never mentioned ANYTHING about our divorce, because there was nothing bad to mention. In the last few months before our money/court issue she had been talking, about dad getting a new truck, remodeling his house, new pool etc.., so my ex said (WE), he and his new wife are tired of paying me $ we want to go back to court, so I saw a lawyer asap, he told me to tell my daughter because she was his secretary,otherwise I would have NEVER told her. I'm sure she was worried that I'm might mention in court about what she had told me and was mad because she thought I was causing a fuss in every ones lives!
My choice was one of two evils to tell her now, or let her find out on her own, I chose to tell her.What a mistake that was,I was at her house on a 3 week vacation, that she arranged, with activities planned, Vegas trip and a fun filled time, as soon as I told her, she would not speak to me for the whole three weeks, she would avoid touching me if she walked by me, seriously acting like a child, it was miserable, I had never seen her act this way! No amount of talking or explaining helped.She was afraid that her dad would find out what she had told me about his personal business. Gossip-ping really,I stated I didn't tell her to involve her, I just wanted to tell her a a supena might be coming.She would have been soo mad if I hadn't told her.
On to a another ongoing part in this all, her older and only brother,our son, was doing his own thing, partying, and not doing basically what he should been doing with his life , in and out of jobs, girlfriends, but living on his own and never asking us for help or money and she said MOM, quit worrying about him, just tell him to get out of your/our lives, until he can conform!
I said Amy the world is not black and white, clear cut, there is alot of gray in this world.You don't just cut off your kids and dis-own them, she said I would!
I would see glimpses of this coldness in her sometimes, if people didn't live as well as her family she would say they are ghetto,I didn't like that in her.
Well to make matters worse, my son went to work for his dad this last year, they became close and everything was going well, until my son who is 40 yrs old came over as I was watching OPRAH one day about being molested and he accidentally blurted out ...I was molested as a child, these people can try to get over it.I just about fell off of the couch, I said who did this, and he said Uncle Dwayne my husbands brother! I said OM Gosh honey, why didn't you tell?
He said that he threatened him that he would kill him and us!
He was 4 and 5 yrs old, and the uncle was a freshman in HS.I said now your life makes more sense,I said honey you need to tell dad, so things will get better for you, and this is off of your shoulders. He begged me over and over to tell his dad, that he just couldn't do it, he was afraid of losing his job, his fathers love etc..He said I don't want the rest of the family to know, I just want my sister and my dad to know. he said Pleasseee mom tell them. I called my ex at work, explained things to him, and he was caring and kind, outraged with his brother too.I also told my daughter for him. Her statement was... why isn't he telling us, I explained he was sad, embarrassed, it was dads brother, and its a guy.She was curt, and un-feeling.
I called my son and said dad was understanding, and that tomorrow things will be better.He went to work the next day, and his dad was furious with him, and said his wife and himself were very mad that my son had me tell dad, and that my son should have, he then went on to coerce my son into saying it was just boys playing!, my son said dad I didn't even know what sex was, I didn't even know that I had a penis,dad my first sexual encounter was with a guy! My uncle! He then went on to say, that he thought it was child's play, and that this kind of stuff makes people commit suicide. That he just needed to forget it all! Now my daughter is still mad that I told her, and not her brother, and my ex and his wife are withholding my checks, because they think I thought this all up to hurt them! And my son, is trying to make them all happy! I Love my son, and am happy that this is off of his shoulders, although he was not validated by his dad in any way..She has quit working for her dad because of all of this, in my ex-husbands tirade about me causing all of this, he started calling me names, and my son said both he and my daughter vehemently stuck up for me and said what did mom ever do to you two.My son has had to beg his father to please let things go back to normal, my ex says, fine don't bring this up again!!!What a mess this all is! Now my daughter isn't talking to either one of us!
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Don't do anything, just give her space. She needs time to process all that has happened and she will come around in time, but please just give her time. You are a good mom and she will come to realize that, but she just needs to step back and see it from a distance. Hold strong and all will work out, just have faith.
Blessings,
D.
Give her time. The more you feel that she is causing you heartache... the more distant she will become. My parents divorced the same year I went to college and was married. I tried to support and love them both... but I felt they were both hyper focused on the problems between them, that It was a nightmare for me. My mom would constantly tell me about how my dad was abusive, and my dad was convinced that my mom had "stolen all they're money". They could NOT see past themselves to understand how painful it was for me!
So I cut them both off.
I had my own budding marriage, school and problems to deal with... and I couldn't carry the burden of their struggles. I talked to them... but only occasionally, and It was pretty light conversation. discussing EITHER of them to each other became simply off-limits. Over time we grew closer again, and my mom is my best friend, and my dad and I have a better relationship than ever before in my life. But part of being an "adult child", is setting new boundaries between your parents and you... and this can be a painful process.
She loves you as her parents. But she needs the freedom to separate herself from you both and get her thoughts and emotions in order, without your influence. If you want to maintain that relationship, tell her that you want to be in contact with her, and you promise to NOT discuss anything regarding her father, and your time is between you two (of course it is fair to aske her not to discuss YOU with her father). She probably feels PUT in the middle, by trying to be sympathetic to you both, she inadvertently gets the backlash from both of you. When he says something bad about you to her, he is insulting HALF of who she is... when you do the same to him, you are insulting her other half. We are emotionally two halves of our parents (at least those of us who grow up in a two parent home). Find the compassion in YOUR heart not to victimize your daughter by working as a team to rip her to shreds. She just wants love and compassion from you both.
In 2-3 years, maybe sooner... you may have a better relationship with her than ever before... after the storm has past and you all have fallen into your new "family" roles. Good Luck!
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Edit:
After reading your added details... all I can say is maybe it is best for your family to get into some serious counseling- everyone on both sides. Of course when a family member is a victim of molestation, it affects everyone in the family and the damage is widespread and long lasting, especially if nothing is done about it. I cannot imagine how terrible it is for you as a parent to have never known about it so you could help your son earlier!
Your daughter is probably dealing with the shock of all the things going on. Think of this... when a traumatic disaster happens people react differently... some cry, some even try to laugh it off, and some people shut down like nothing happened. Some people are ready to talk about it right away, and feel that they NEED to get it out now... some people bottle it up for a long time. We all cope in different ways, and no particular way is necessarily "good" or "bad". It isn't uncommon for one persons way of dealing with trauma to actually offend someone else who expresses themselves differently. Also, how a person deals with trauma when the are 20, may not be how they deal with it later or earlier in life. I don't know what your daughter is feeling. Like your son, she might want things to be the "same"- or maybe she wants more done... maybe she truly needs time to sit back and think, and decide what she believes and how SHE is going to move forward, with you, her brother, and her father. I still say give her space for a while. Obviously it cannot all be swept under the rug... but years and years of damage (seen and unseen) takes a WHILE for a family to repair.
Let her know that you love her and let your son know you love him... try to deal with your money issues directly with your husband if you can, or through another neutral party like your lawyer. Obviously what is done is done. Chances are that with time your daughter will open back up when she is ready!
Sounds like she is going thru something personal. Maybe approach her w/ concern instead of expectations.
I would call her and invite her to lunch to talk. If she says no, send a letter.
I would remind her that your relationship with her father should have no impact on your relationship with her. You should also tell her that he was wrong to put her in the middle, but she was also wrong to take sides.
I would not apologize for anything and as a matter of fact, I think I would tell her that I'm not sorry for taking him to court to get what was rightfully yours.
I'd tell her that life is too short and that if she insists on behaving like a spoiled brat, that she can do that, but that you'd prefer that she figure out what she wants your relationship to be.
Tell her what kind of relationship you'd like to have. Be very specific - make sure you include a sentence or two about your relationship with her father having nothing to do with her and that you'd appreciate her staying out of it.
Tell her that when she's ready to act like an adult, she knows where you are.
LBC
I'm with Megan C. The only difference in our stories is my parents divorced just after my divorce from my first husband. I was hurting, frustrated and had a very young child. I had no idea how I was going to support myself and my daughter, but relieved I had left an abusive relationship. I was a mess when it comes right down to it.
Enter my parents...Mom, who had previously bashed me for getting a divorce, was now getting a divorce and acting like she had never said those hurtful things. She constantly talked bad about my father. My father, who was abusive throughout my formative years, suddenly wanted to be my best friend, and spoke bad about my mother. And there I was, stuck squarely in the middle.
I resented them both. When I married my current husband and moved to Texas (because of the military) I said to hell with them both and quit talking to them. Neither of them could see past their own pain at the loss of a 23 year marriage to see that it was affecting all four of their children. They were too self-absorbed to see our pain. They're paying for that now. My youngest two sisters each have relationship issues, and while they're close with Mom (because she finished raising them alone) they hate our father. My brother barely speaks to either parent, and when he speaks to anyone in the immediate family he's condescending and rude. (Except for me...because I cut him off and refuse to speak to him at all.) And me? Well I speak to my mom at least once a week, but it's a strained relationship. I rarely speak to my father.
You say you don't deserve this treatment and were great parents. Have you thought about it from her point of view? Her father put her in the middle and talked bad about you to her. Who knows what you said to her about her father or his new wife. I suggest you talk to her and see if she's ok. Don't be worried about how you feel and worry about her. She's probably sick of you both bombarding her with how horrible the other one is. Take yourself out of it, and see how she is. If she doesn't talk to you now, don't push it. She'll talk when and if she's ready.
ETA: After reading your "What happened?" I have to ask one question. Why in all of earth are you letting people coerce you into telling their business to everyone? Your ex convinced you to tell your daughter about court. Your son convinced you to tell about his molestation. If these are things that they want other people to know then they need to tell other people, not use you to tell. I stick by my initial response. She'll talk to you if and when she's ready. And if she's not ready any time soon, don't push it. Having been in her position, it seems to her as though you're only trying to stir up trouble these days.
Your 20 year investment was substantial enough for the court to order support-then that's that-she'll be back around-and hopefully she will not invest twenty years of her love, youth and devotion just to have it go up in smoke and rely on support to manage.
I don't even come from divorce and I can tell she's tired of being in the middle. I think you said it yourself. You WERE great parents. At a minimum, your ex is not being a great parent now. The fact that you think his behavior is excusable makes me wonder how you've handled it on your end. Kudos to your daughter for not putting up with it. All you can do now is apologize for what you've done - specifically, not a general "if I've done something" cop out. If you truly don't know, you need to ask her - sincerely. Then let her know that you will be there when she's ready to be friends again. Sorry for the tough love, but everyone is accountable for their actions.
Let it lye. If you have already expressed your feelings and offered an apology there is not much more you can do. I think the worst feeling is feeling in the middle of parents in dispute (married or not) If she put herself in the middle she may have felt like she needed to play mediator. Perhaps one last reach out would be ok and may make you feel like you have done all you can. I would write her a short note just saying that you miss her and the relationship you had with her, that you apologize for ever putting her in the middle of any issues with her father(maybe you didnt but that may be her perspective on it) Say you agree to disagree and love her and would love to see her. Also there shouldnt be any reason you cant call and ask how the kids are doing and whats new with them even if she doesnt long to be close to you right now, there are 2 sides to every story, so before you take it personal she may have issues shes dealing with or working thru and just doesnt want to deal with anyone else.
Have you heard the saying, "Hurt people hurt people"? It sounds like there are a lot of hurting people in your family. I would let it all go and assume that everyone is hurting from something. From time to time, I would send a note, cards, birthday gifts, etc. to your daughter and kids just to let her know that you still care. Don't push yourself on her. She must need some space right now. Hopefully, she will realize how much she and her kids miss you. Don't even bother with what your husband and his wife are saying/thinking. It's not worth the stress or energy.
It's normal, she's processing the hurt, whatever you do, be willing and open for her to work through what she's resenting you for, don't be huffy and offended because that won't fix anything. Send her love and light whenever you feel like resenting her for what she's doing and you will open up the space for the friendship to return.
