Only Children? - San Antonio,TX

My husband is an only child and he's totally for it.
I have a slightly younger sister and I spent most of my childhood wishing I was an only child. We fought like cats and dogs till she moved out. I saw her for the first time in 8 years for a few days last summer and I still couldn't stand her. It's true some siblings are great friends for life, but others are bitter combatants for life and there is no guarantee what you are going to get.
We have one son and he loves being an only child. He has friends with siblings and he hears about all the arguing over toys and attention. At this point, he'd rather have a guinea pig or a rabbit than a brother or sister.

I am the middle of 5 and my husband is an only child. We only have one child and am very happy with just one. My husband says he never wanted any other siblings as he knew he was very spoiled with material things that he wouldn't have had with siblings. Even with having siblings there is no guarantee that you will have help with ailing parents. When my father was dying I became his caregiver as no one else stepped up.

I have a friend who is an only. She married an only. They do have two kids and want more. But, the sad part is that their kids don't have aunts, uncles, or cousins.

We have an only and we love it!
We 3 are very close. Our daughter is extremely bright, we wonder where she came from.. She is far away at college and we miss her terribly, but she is so together with her own goals.

I once asked her if she wanted a brother or sister.. she said sometimes she was lonely, but it was not a sibling she wanted, but a next door neighbor she could play with, but they would leave when she was tired of them. hee, hee..

We have been able to offer her all sorts of opportunities that if we had another child we would not have been able to afford. Our daughter loves doing volunteer work, she was always able to stand up for the underdog, she has her own personality and her own mind. We laugh that younger kids adore her.. She is says "they have grabby, grubby hands," but since "she can leave and come home.. that makes it better"..

We have no regrets.

We married in 1988. We took our time to decide if we ever wanted children and it was late 1993 when the "urge" hit me at 33. I was soon to get pregnant and had our daughter in Dec 1994.

I enjoyed my pregnancy, not a very complicated one, however, even during pregnancy, I felt complete. After daughter was born I still felt as though our family was complete and so did my husband.

We absolutely have NO regrets with 1 child. I know many people look down on us (or on parents of onlies in general) but so be it.....we did what was right for our family. We don't live our life to please others. Our daughter has no desire (never has) for siblings.

Is she spoiled?.... of course in many ways. Someone once said to her, in our presence, semi jokingly..... "Erin you are spoiled".........She replied "I am not spoiled, I am well cared for". She has a very good stable family, financially as well as emotionally and a huge heart. She has a strong work ethic. She relates very well with adults and is poised to take over our family busuness if she so chooses.

We specifically set everything up (retirement, college, wedding fund, etc) up so that she will not have worries/burden about us in the future. We would not put that type of burden on any child, no matter how many we would have. Our obligation is to raise her and prepare her to "fly" when she is ready. She has many friends, most of whom prefer to hang out at our house to get away from the chaos at some homes. They have the entire upstairs to hang out and I know what is going on!! She is an A student in Honors courses, captain of the cheer squad, black belt in Tang So Do, and accomplished violinist. She thrives on responsibility and achievement.

Having an only child is a very personal decision and whatever decision you make.....you should not be judged.

I see my daughter blossoming into a beautiful young woman and I am very proud of her. I do suggest to enjoy every moment because they grow up so fast it is unbelievable.

I had a sister, we were 3.5 years apart and never got along with each other while growing up. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died at 18 (were got close the last year of her life pretty much). Anyway, I always wanted to be an only child when I was little. Now, as an adult, dealing with aging parents alone pretty much sucks and I do wish I had a sister to share that with. Other than that I was never lonely, always had friends or cousins that filled in the gap.... if there was one.
My son and DIL have one daughter and are not planning on having another child. They want to give this one all of their time and are pretty secure in their decision not to add another to the mix.
It's just a personal decision you have to decide on.
I'm pretty certain that if I would have had a hard labor and delivery with the first one I would have not wanted to go for it a second time... but that's just me.

This may not be the answer that you're looking for, but I strongly believe that there is a lot to be gained by having siblings, thoughout your life, both as a child and as a an adult. Personnally, I strugged with whether 2 or 3 was the right number for our family and we ended up with 3 children. I won't lie - the more children you have, the less time you will have for yourself. And you have to consider the financial implications and how your family will make it work. We are definitely making personal sacrifices financially, especially since we have one parent staying at home (daddy, in our case!). However, they are such a blessing and I know they will be grown up before I know it! Also, you might want to consider having them closer together, rather than further apart. Our oldest was 35 months when our youngest was born, so we had 3 under the age of 3 for one month! However, we are getting all of the baby stuff (diapers, bottles, baby proofing, etc.) out of the way in a condensed time frame and I think that they will be closer growing up since they are close in age. Of course, you definitely need to take into account whether another pregnancy is safe for you. Good luck with your decision!

Edited to add: Hopefully, this won't offend anyone, but I think it is worth mentioning. I personnally think that children learn additional skills in their home environment (that can't necessarily be learned in the same way or to the same extent in daycare, preschool, or school) when they have siblings. I know that there are plenty of only children in the world that are wonderful people and I'm sure that there are other ways to learn these things, but when you have siblings, you learn that you *must" share and contribute, get along with others, negotiate, you are not the center of the world, etc. Just my two cents worth!!

We have O. and it's a perfect fit for us. No regrets.

The Times had a really good article recently on only children:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,###-###-##...

I struggled with the choice, because I'm one of 5 kids and while there were lots of times I wished the others weren't around (typical kid), I really feel blessed to have 4 other kids in the family.

However, we decided that it was best for us to have only one (DH is an "only"), and while I feel societal pressures, I know that it is the right decision for us as a family. If you'd like more info on what went into our decision, feel free to send me a message.

I, too am an only child, both my parents are only children, and I have one child. Crazy! I know! The truth is, neither my grandmother, my mother, nor myself planned to have only one child, but we happily played the cards fate dealt us. In my case, I truly wanted more children. I always envisioned myself with three rambunctious boys, but I ended up with one lovely daughter.

As an only child myself, I can honestly say that I have never wished I had a sibling. The hardest part about being an only child for me was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure to succeed - sort of like the "all eggs in one basket" scenario. But the wonderful thing is that I am extremely close to both my parents. They even moved twice- once in college and then again after my daughter was born, to be closer to me. I always felt very privileged, but looking back I realize that we weren't financially better off than my friends, but because there was only one of me - we could afford to do more. Think of all the expenses that incur over time... clothing, sports, family vacations, braces, glasses, tutoring - and later cars, insurance, class trips, college tuition, fraternities - the list is endless. With one child, it isn't quite as daunting.

My husband and I tried for many years to have a second child, but now my daughter is 11 and while at this point - once we got over the shock, we would certainly welcome another child - we are no longer trying to conceive. I must admit, I really love the life we have built, and the freedom that having only one child allows us - especially now that she has gotten a bit older. When it comes to her activities, unlike most families who are scrambling to get all the kids to soccer and dance class and piano and baseball, we never have to "divide and conquer." My husband and I can be at every single game, every single recital etc. because we never have to choose. We have a lot more time as a couple than most parents I know, because our daughter spends the night out at friends' houses - so we can have date night without hiring a sitter, or we can simply stay in and watch a movie - a luxury that our friends never have. Our daughter's friends have even commented that they love to come to our house because she doesn't have any brothers and sisters, and they have everything to themselves. Also, we have the luxury of being able to travel more - both with our daughter and without. One extra plane ticket is do-able for us, but two or three or four??? Definitely not. Often when the three of us are out to dinner I will see a large family at a table nearby and I'll wonnder to myself, "how can they afford it?" I consider it a true privilege that I've been able to stay home with our daughter - although had we had more children, I'm not sure that staying home would be an option. So maybe things happen for a reason.

On the flip side, I do sometimes look longingly at my friend with her four children - not so much because of the choas she has today, but because of the many years of big family holidays and multiple grandchildren she'll someday enjoy. She has FOUR children who think she is the prettiest, smartest, most wonderful woman in the world. How cool is that? And I have one - and one is a miaracle in itself.

Hi!
I am an only child as well. It didn't bother me growing up, but it does now. My husband and I were married for 10 years before the maternal urge hit me! After our son was born, I had no plans or desires to have another! Well, a few years went by, and I just couldn't stand the thought of him being an only child. I find myself so lonely for a sibling - I lost my dad several years ago and my mom is disabled and dying. In fact, if we had gotten an earlier start, I would love to have had a third child! It is fascinating to me how our mind set changes with time and age!
On the other hand, I have a few friends with just one child and they feel their family is complete.
Good luck and enjoy your precious baby - they grow up so fast!
S.

I only have one child and long for a 2nd. He is now 8 and I am 43 so the thought of being pregnant now and starting over with a little baby is not a pleasant thought honestly, but every day I still deal with a little bit of sadness in the back of my head that my son doesn't have a sibling to play with, to go through life with, to learn and share and play (and yes, fight) with, etc.

I think part of this is because my husband is not a kid-person and doesn't play with my son much, he is pretty hard on him as far as expectations go and expects him to behave maturely. (My DH was the oldest and mature and calm, our son is silly and funny and stubborn....) I feel like I'm always between the two of them and sometimes I wish he had another person in his corner so to speak.

Every sibling brings their own personality mix. Then you add in the age difference (I wouldn't recommend more than 3-4 years in between - 2 or so is ideal I think). Some do better as singles, some do better as siblings. I myself am the 2nd of 5, the age differences are: brother, me 2 yrs, then 7 yrs later, 3 sisters 2 yrs apart each. Growing up, I think I was closer to my sisters than my brother (who probably would've been fine as an only child, he loved to read, play by himself, or pester us girls!) but now I am close to my brother. It changes from month to month/year to year which sibling I am closest to at the moment. And when I'm especially frustrated with one, I can vent to another maybe. :-)

Bottom line is, an only child doesn't know different, a child with siblings doesn't know different either (unless older when a 2nd comes along)
It's like saying your 3rd youngest would be different if he were the oldest, or the middle child would've done better as the baby, etc. You just can't change it. Make do with the best you got. Teach your kiddos to get along. Do your best to get along with your own family. etc.
Adopt, sure. But whatever you do, make sure your son continues to feel his full worth in your family.

Having another child does NOT divide your love, your heart INCREASES the amount of love you have. You do need to watch that each child still gets what s/he needs but fairness is not decided by meting out the exact same amount/thing to each. Fairness is decided by giving what is *best* for that child at the time.

I feel just like you about being an only child! Never really wanted a sibling except at 5 when I went to kindergarten and a bunch of people had them or their parents were having other kids. Now that my father is aging and my MIL (and my husband is her only child), I do worry about having to deal with all of that on our own. However, I saw my mother with 5 siblings go through hell while her mother was dying over 2 years, so it's not necessarily easier with sibs!

I think your adoption idea is great if you decide you really do want another. I have 2 and knew that's all I wanted. I wasn't even sure I wanted any until I was in my 30s and married! I have a great friend who had one boy, hated pregnancy and just adopted a little boy from China. It's working out great! My husband and I always said we would at least try really hard for one and if we couldn't have another, we wouldn't go to any extraordinary lengths to have a 2nd. I luckily am very fertile, but I would have been fine with an only child. You have to look at it like this -you never know how your children will be as adults regardless of how you raise them. I am VERY close to my parents (my mother is dead now), and I talk to my father every day. My husband is very close to his mother, but we know a number of kids from families with 1 -5 siblings who don't often talk or communicate with their parents or siblings. I know parents who raised 5 kids and they're all spread out or deceased or whatever and it doesn't guarantee you lots of visits in your old age. Do what you feel like -THAT is what will make you happy, and everything will fall into place.

***Actually, Chantel, I find your post quite offensive. My parents raised me to know and realize all of those things with no problem. I also had playmates and went to kindergarten and school where all of those things are enforced constantly. I share, know I'm not the center of the universe and am quite a good negotiator. My only child husband negotiates for a living, actually. I know many siblings who don't share, don't get along and are incredibly selfish. It's not WHO you're raised with -it's the WAY you're raised that makes the difference. The lessons that you seem to think only siblings can teach one another are taught in this world every day, everywhere.

Gosh, some sad sibling stories here. Unless you are willing to invest a lot of time into teaching your children how to get along and how to negotiate and how to respect each others no, etc..you will not have 2 children that get along. You will have 2 children that fight and argue.

I am one of 7 children and we were NOT taught any life skills at home. My parents fought all the time and finally divorced. I made a conscious decision to teach my 3 bio children how to share and how to be friends. And guess what, no miracle, they are fantastic companions. They help each other with anything: music lessons, friends, clothes choices, homework, packing lunches, etc....

My personal experience NOW as an adult with friends who were only children, is that they are truly alone when going through life's transitions of dealing with aging parents, and their subsequent deaths. Having a sibling to share that obligation emotionally eases the duty and pain. But then, with only one child you might have that future all planned out for yourselves so it would be of little concern for them in the future.

I had my only daughter when I was 35...I am now 38. I had many complications after my pregnancy, including blood clots in my legs and lungs. My doctor does not even want me to use hormonal methods of birth control because of the blood clot risk and my history. Plus, DH has 2 teenage sons from his first marriage and is now 43. So from both a medical standpoint and a personal one, we don't plan to have any more and we are fine with that. True, we could adopt, but I don't think it's something DH is open to, and I admit, I really like our life the way it is. And as much as I hate to say it, it's a lot less money to have one...between diapers, preschool, driver's ed, braces, college, it can really add up!

You may not be sure right now about having another, but in 2 or 3 years you could feel differently. I would just take it one day at a time.

i have a 4 year old daughter and i dont want her to be spoiled (only child syndrome) i have 3 brothers/sisters and i think tht the bond i have with them is like no other. i want my daughter to have that bond with as many siblings as i can give her. on the other hand being an only child probably makes that child feel so incredibly loved because they dnt hv to share their parents love. but i say go for it.

I love my daughter dearly but wish I'd had a second child for her benefit. My daughter would love to have a sibling now. But the thought of going through a pregnancy and the first year of childhood at 46+ makes me slightly ill. There is also the realization that a second child would likely still be in college when I'm 67 years old. Yikes! If I were 35 rather than 45 I'd go for it, even with the horrid economy.

Our children are between 2 and 3 years apart, and honestly we had the same thought as you when we had one, and hadn't had our second yet. Just as the thought of spoiling our child rotten with our love crossed our minds, along came our 2nd and we are so glad.

I have to say that I love having our children this close together. They really enjoy each other's company and seeing the "stair steps" all together makes me smile. Last night on the way home from an activity, the 3 year old and the 5 year old had a serious conversation about stop lights, and general silliness broke out. Our oldest loves to do as many activities as she can fit into a day, and sometimes pretends she's an only child when she can get away with it, but admitted that she was glad that she had younger siblings, if only to give her a perspective on life that she couldn't have alone.

Every time we've thought our family was complete we waited a few months and realized it wasn't time to call it quits. Very glad we gave ourselves time to consider more children.

I'll be watching the answers for your question as I'm in the same boat as you. We've seriously considered fostering to adopt as well. Keep us posted on what you decide to do!
Jen

Well, I can totally relate. I have only one little boy and he is 4 1/2. Due to more reasons than one, I was recently divorced. When I was younger, I was not the kind to think constantly about having a child, but I turned 26, all of a sudden, I was ready. I was blessed and had a boy and that was all I wanted. I am glad that I chose that because of the circumstances and I really am thinking about having my tubes tied. I am 31 and just dont see having another child would be the smart thing to do. I am single and the economy is this way and life is that way and really I am happy with just one special, amazing, smart little boy. Good luck and have faith that God will let you know what path you should be on. I have searched my soul and know I was ment to be a Mommy to only one incredible boy.

My neice is an only child and I think she gets pretty BORED being just her and her mom on the weekends. She WANTS to hang out with my 2.5 yr old son and do fun things with him (make cookies, build him bridges with his cars, etc).

But more-so, I think of her when her parents are old and gray.... She'll have to deal with them all on her own - no siblings to help deal with a will, with caring for them if they need nursing help or if they are sick.
I think of how my grandma (age 91) needs ALL 3 of her kids to help her, plus her 6 grandkids to help her when she falls down and to help her clean her house and to help her with her finances. She can't drive anymore and lives hours away from us. If grandma'd just had one kid, I wonder if she'd be as happy and as healthy as she is.

My brother and I fought alot as preteens/teens but now as adults I love having him to talk to/commiserate about our parents (who have issues and are getting older). We had one son for 5.5 yrs and then had a 2nd child. I was like you and had a hard time deciding. I was happy with one child and we almost stayed that way. There was a part of me that just kept wanting another. I wanted to adopt but my husband did not so we did not go that route although I would have loved to. Our daughter is now a year old and we are so happy we had her. But I look at my friends with an only child and know we would have been happy with only one too. It is hard to "lose" that independent part of myself that I was getting back but I do have to say this time around it has been a lot easier. I know that all the baby sleeping issues etc are all temporary and short lived and I don't worry that much about it. I'm enjoying the whole experience of having a baby again. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Hi, I see I'm a little late responding...I was pregnant 4 times but was only able to have 1 child, at age 39-1/2. My daughter had a birth defect, had 3 years of hospitalizations, therapy & is okay now, thank God. I just didn't have the hormones & reached menopause at 44.

Anyway, she has always wanted a sibling and my husband wanted to adopt an Asian girl but I was happy with one. My husband is happy, though...and very understanding. I personally feel it was not meant to be...

We probably indulge her a little with things but not behavior...

On the flip side, I had a brother who was close to me growing up (is not "close" now) but we are dealing with a mom with dementia & it is wonderful to have someone else to help....we both feel that way.

God bless you!

not necessarily a response to the question you asked, but something to consider. I'm an only child. My husband has one brother. They are close, but we only see him and his wife once or twice a year. They don't necessarily want kids. So my two kids will never have a cousin. I wasn't that lonely growing up as an only child, but I had 8 cousins growing up around me to play with and spend holidays with, etc. If i were an only child and didn't have any other family around, I think that would have been really sad/hard for me. I did not want my first born to be an only child, and to also come from a very small family. Even if he had 12 cousins I still would have had my second b/c i knew i wanted two or more. But I think that's something to consider. Will your one child grow up with a lot of family around them? Will the grow old and realize that when mom and dad are gone, there's really no one else around them aside from a future spouse and their children?