One Kid or Two??

I waited 9 years between my 2 kids. They love each other sooo much. It was nice because I was able to enjoy my daughter for many years. Now I am enjoying my son.

I LOVED being an only child. The only disadvantage that I foresee is that as my parents get older and need care I won't have siblings to help.

I would look at having a sibling as a benifit to you! I have 3 children 5, 3, and 1. I cannot even tell you how nice it is that they have eachother to play with. I say go for it!!

I agree about not regretting having the third (my 1st and 2nd are 11 yrs apart).

I almost insisted on the 3rd for the 2nd to play with, and they do keep each other entertained. However, it is a lot of fighting, every day, all day long, ugh! They are such different personalities.

However, they are too close in age, 22 months. Being pregnant with a toddler was incredibly difficult. I had my 3rd at age 38. Give your toddler an extra year before you get pregnant, I really wish that I had.

I felt guilty when I found out I was pregnant with my second but then I realized i'm not taking love and attention away from my first born but rather, i'm giving him a whole new person to love him and play with him. Good luck deciding!

Hi J.,
Boy, am I RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! I'm 35. My one and only child (daughter) is 16 months on the 27th. My pregnancy and labor were no walk in the park. By the 3rd trimester I was literally crawling around on all fours because my back hurt so much. I lived at my chiropractic office. I wanted to have a natural birth, but ended up with a C-section after 22 hours of hard labor. My daughter had the cord wrapped around her neck 4 times and could not decend through the birth canal. Then, I ended up with an infection in the incision and they had to open me up again.

So, I TOTALLY get your hesitation.

I too am a planner. About the same time (daughter 3 months old) I started freaking out about it as well. The whole ordeal just made me so nervous and hesitant about trying to get pregnant again. There were so many things going on at the time, I was a mess. My husband and I weren't even living together because we were actually living in Germany but I came back to the states to have our baby.

He tried to tell me that we wouldn't even discuss it until Christmas of this year. Which, on the one hand made me feel better... but it never left my mind. I say all this to let you know, I totally get it.

So, my daughter is now almost 16 months old and I'm still "not sure", to be quite honest. I think of everything I went through with the pregnancy and labor and think "can I do that again!" Before, I didn't know what I would be getting myself into. Now I know! I'm not sure when that 'you forget the pain' thing starts...but it is certainly more then 16 months later! ;-)

I was an only child until I was 12. I really did not like it. However, my mother was not what I would call a 'hands on mom'. We also didn't live in neighborhoods with a lot of kids. I was not involved in many extra activities where I could make friends and I tended to be rather shy at school. I have to make sure as I think through this, I consider that MY family is not the same as the family I grew up in. I have to remember, I am not my mother, and the dynamics and environment are different.

That being said, I am beginning to lean towards having another child. I like the idea of my daughter having a sibling. Not just for the playmate idea, but for later in life. Of course there is no way to guarantee they would get along as adults, but I certainly hope to be able to raise them so they did. I LOVE my relationship with my sister. Even though she is 12 years younger then I am, we are very very close. Our relationship has always been good, but as we have grown it has just gotten better and better.

In addition, we both know that as our parents get older the task of caring for aging parents doesn't fall to just one child. I think that is important.

Whether or not to have another child is a very personal decision. You have to look at yourself, your family, and make the decision that fits you. If you decide to just have one child, then I'm sure everything will be fine. You can lavish love on her and her alone. I'm sure she will be well adjusted and get along in life just fine.

If you decide to have another one, then I'm sure you will rise to the occassion. I've had many many moms of multiple children tell me that when the next one comes along you just figure it out. One mom even confirmed my feelings of 'HOW can I handle another one!' She said she felt the same way...but when their second came along... she just did it. They have great kids. Even with a surprise 3rd they are doing just fine.

I think you have to look at why you originally only wanted one child. Don't have a child just because you think your daughter will in some way be marred. If you have a child you have to really WANT that child. Your daughter will be fine. Just the fact you are so concerned about this decision says that you are a good mommy who thinks things through and wants to do what is best for your kids.

I know I haven't offered a great deal of advice, but I hope I have offered some. Try not to stres about it. Don't think too much about it when you are tired or not feeling your best. Think about it when you are having a good day and feeling good. Stress just clouds our vision.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I never knew being a mommy would be such an absolute joy. I'm sure it is for you too.

I tell my pregnant friends to see how they like one baby first before deciding on a second. My mom wanted 6 kids after she had my sister. Then I came along and she changed her mind...Needless to say, it's only me and my sister.
I didn't want a second for the longest time (we had a hard time for the first 2.5 years!), but we finally decided to try for a second and he is now 8.5 months old and I am glad to be done having babies and that I have him. I am enjoying motherhood so much more the second time around.
Also, one of my closest friends got the Essure procedure done (like getting your tubes tied) when her daughter was 8 weeks old. SHe has never regretted that her daughter will be an only child (she was an only child herself).
You don't have to make any decisions now. Wait to see how you like being a mom before deciding to have another. Good luck!

J.; well, first of all no kid wants to be an only child , and no kid wants more brothers and sisters,talk to single children and see how they feel? also when you are a parent of one child, you are their best freind, they rely on you to play , to talk to , to interact with, if you can handle having this ALL the time, you can do whatever is best for your situation, whenever you have another child, you are sorry for taking the attention away from first child, when you dont have that other child, you are sorry you did not provide a play mate, you have to figure out which decision you are most comfortable living with, it is nice to have more than one, and it is nice to have just one, by talking to others, no one can make that decision for you , but either way you will always question if you did the right thing, i know however even when those unplanned children come along, you are happy to have that little personality around you , and could not think of life without them, so just pray about it, and do whats best for all of you , enjoy them no matter how many you have, D. s

I say at least two, my husband is an only child and he never realized what he missed out on until he got to see our three laugh and play together, like only sibling can. We will be taking his widowed Mother with us to my sisters for Christmas Eve, she will join my immediate family of twenty, for the Holidays. She will spend the night and have Christmas morning with us. She has no one else. I have two older sisters and a little brother, and eleven kids between us. I think that I am a great Mom because I had a little brother and it helped to love and care for others. My teenage Daughter is five years older than my twin boys and she is she a help. Right now they are in the kitchen (trashing it) making Christmas cookies. The mess is so worth all the mess I know they are making. These are the times that they will remember when they grow up. And when I pass on I know that the love that they share will hold them together.

No matter what you decide or what happens your child will at some point wish it was different and at other times LOVE it. Every child wishes at some moment in childhood that they did/ didnot have siblings.
Sorry if I'm not any help for you on this one... I'm one of 5 and wouldn't have it any other way... I have 3 so far myself. So i'm a big fan of more than one. :-) And a word of encouragement here... Each delivery gets easier... Your body knows what to do and you know more of what to expect.
Good luck and what ever way you are led will be the right way for you and your family.

Have another one... you'll never regret it.

I was 6th of 7 kids, and that's just too many, but it is nice to have so much family now that my parents are gone. I grew up independent but got little guidance. I have 3 and its nice, but I planned to stop at 2. When the 3rd arrived, it was no longer an even split. The kids dominate the house! I've always heard 1 year apart or 3, but 2 is bad. 3 years apart and they don't play together as much. 1 year and its harder work for you. My boys are 2 years apart and the competition is rampant. I keep telling them they'll like each other some day but now its very difficult to listen to the bickering and meanness! My youngest, a girl, is 18 mos younger than my 2nd and they are like twins, although as they get into middle school there is more arguing. That's the age I think. As toddlers and lower el. grades, they were fast friends. I expect the closeness to last a lifetime. So, I don't think its too early to plan! If you decide to do it early, you need to get yourself in top physical shape, and develop as much independence in your daughter as you can with a baby. (Get her to go to sleep on her own, self-soothe, get her around babies, etc.) I can't advise on being an only child. I thought it looked fantastic as a child. To be front and center and get all the Christmas gifts! But as a teenager I appreciated the lack of attention! (Not really a good thing) My contemporaries that have only children seem to obsess over them a little, but not the ones with a lot of personal interests outside the family life. I think a lot depends on what you and your husband grew up with and how it was for you.

J.

I have a half brother and a half sister, but the smallest age difference (between me and my brother) is 7 years. By the time I was old enough to remember, both of my siblings were grown and gone. Today, my sister and I are super super close and I cannot imagine life without her. However, growing up, I still felt like an only child. When we would go to Cedar Point my parents would let me bring a friend so that I would have company.

I don't think the decision should be based on whether or not your daughter has a companion, I think it should be based on whether or not you want another. It sounds like maybe you are changing your mind on having just one??? Which is fine; I had always said I would wait until near 30 to have kids, enjoy life with my husband, travel the world, etc. but when my husband ended up being 13 years older than me I didn't want him being 60 at the high school graduation so we started early. Sometimes your plans change.... Good luck with your decision!

You're still young, and children benefit greatly from living with siblings. But then I love children and would've had a dozen if I didn't have to go thru labor and delivery! 4 has been wonderful for me! I've never met an only child who didn't feel sad about their situation. My dad and his mother were both only kids. Of course it's up to you, but I don't think your age is much of an issue at this point. I think you'll find it was worth whatever sacrifice it costs you, and you may be happily surprised at how much you love having two! You have to decide what you can live with and then take your stand. Good luck, and enjoy your sweet daughter in the meantime!

Well, each family is certainly different. When our 1st daughter, a fiesty stubborn strong willed baby, was only 9 months old we found out I was pregnant again. Boy was I nervous about them being that close-17 mos. apart. The 1st yr. was TOUGH, but now that the oldest is 3 1/2 and the youngest is 2 they are SO adorable to watch. They play together, the littlest learns from the bigger. I have always heard "the best gift you could give a child is a sibling" and I never understood that until I had the 2nd. I look at my friends, who only have 1, and I feel SAD for those kids. To not know that unconditional love would be heart breaking. I have 3 siblings-sometimes we are close other times we quarrel, but I could never imagine not having that 'friendship' to turn to when needed. What would happend when we are older, and our parents are older?? If I had no siblings those burdens would all fall on JUST me. I know financially and age wise adding another child can be stressful, but you will be SO thankful (for the sake of your daughter) that you did it. I say PLAN, plany away-and know you are fulfilling God's will to give your child the BEST gift ever!! Good luck with it all & Merry Christmas.

I think that children should have a sibling. That does not mean you cannot raise a happy, healthy, adjusted single child. I would weight the health risk ( I don't know what they are). I wouldn't risk your life for a second natural child.

Hi J.,

I am an only child and I feel that I turned out OK. I always wanted a sibling and begged for years. :) Being an only child, I knew that I wanted a larger family. I have 3.

Some of the downs of being an only for me:
I was a neat freak and always knew where everything was. When I went to college and had roomies, it was hard because they would borrow my things and not put them back. It wasn't a sharing issue. It just bothered me not to have things where I wanted them. I guess it was more difficult for me to be flexible.

I worry about the decline of my parents health and having no one to go through that with. I have my husband to help, but it's different.

Once again, I was used to quiet and orderly so I have a hard time with disarray and too much noise. I get frustrated with my kids when they are loud or messy. I don't know if that is just me or my only child upbringing.

My husband is one of 5 and he rarely talks to any of his siblings. Having a sister and a close bond was what I crave, but a lot of my friends aren't even close with their siblings so that theory can go either way.

A long story to say....I don't feel damaged from being an only child. there are a few things that may be related to being an only, but may just be my personality. Either way, your daughter will be fine. It's all in how you raise her. (In terms of the stereotypes related to only children.)

Enjoy her. It goes so quickly! I personally would have one more. It's too wonderful to only do once!!

C.

J.,

I am an only child and am the mother of 5. I have to say that my parents are getting older, and although they still help me quite a bit with my children I am noticing that they are starting to slip in some things, and I find myself wondering how soon it will be until I need to start caring for them instead of the other way around. I am fortunate that I live close by, but I will have no one to help "share the load" which is ok, my parents have done much for me, but sometimes I am jealous of others who have that moral support of siblings when it comes to parent issues. Someone else to help with difficult decisions, and just the caretaking in general. I know it is coming soon as they are both approaching 70.

My SIL and my father are both only Children.
When my DH and I were thinking about children they said they would never want to be an only child. They felt they were treated more like little adults, they never had anyone to play with when they were called home, they carried all of their parents expectations and as their parents aged they carried ALL the responsibility of caring for them ,making the choices and mourning as the only family member ( not including cousins etc...)
My Father remembers beings o jealous of his friends. when they were called home they could still play with someone, comiserate about how AWFUL their parents were, stay up to wait for Santa with, share secret sibling victories that he would never have told his parents about ( winning a fight with the bully first drink, first kiss etc...)

these are not my words but theirs. thought I would share with you what they shared with me 3 children ago. i headed their advice and it was right for us. My boys are BEST friends and they adore their baby sister. They share a room , share the bus, look out for each other and tell secrets to each other at night in bed. For us it was a great thing to do....but I cannot make a decision for others. Along with more kids comes more noise, less money, less freedom, less space but in our case WAY more love and joy!

In my opinion, it would be fine to have one child. I know many well adjusted only children. My daughter will probably be the only child (that is our plan right now too). I never had a problem with it... but people have tried to guilt trip us into having more because they don't think it is fair to my daughter. I think my daughter will be fine if she has no siblings. She is extremely social and friendly and makes friends easily. I have very close friends whom I consider family that have children her age too... I think it is better to be able to pick your family than it is to be stuck with them sometime : ) Whatever decision you make, someone is going to have an opinion about it... just do what seems right for your family.

I have a 3 year old girl.

J.,
My husband is an only child and always wished for a sibling. also, now, i think about what will happen if anything happens to his parents who live in CA. he will have to deal with everything on his own. i really value having a sister...the only one who understands parent issues fully! but, i think you should still do what you feel...only have a second child if you feel you have 100% energy to parent him/her your best!

I went through this same question a bit ago and asked around and asked Mamasource. My dad is an only child so I asked him his thoughts too. DH and I decided that we will have another child... just not yet. We have the option to wait till DS is 2 1/2.. so that's our thinking now that we'll try again then.

My dad felt he really missed out on having a sibling. He also recently lost his father (his mom passed away a couple years ago) and felt he wished he'd had a sibling to talk to about it and go through it with. My other thought was that it's really the first year and the pregnancy that are very challenging with a baby.. and really it's only 2 years for a lifetime of having with a baby. : )

HOpe you find peace with your decision..

J.,
My mom and grandma always told me " An only child is a lonely child". I have a few friends that decided to have only one. Its really easy to get used to having only one. But these are also the same friends that were kicking themselves later saying they should've had 2. Its great to give the child a sibling, since it seems that is one huge complaint from the kids. They wish they had a brother or sister to play with or hang with or just to do family things with. I had 2 and they are six years apart because I was so undecided for so long. Biggest mistake was waiting so long. So, I hope this helps you out a little bit, but you have to know in your heart that you want 2.

Alright, J...you are right..it's wayyyy to early! Why stress over something that's out of your hands? Besides, life is not based on solely planning for everything. Some of the best things in life are unplanned! Neither one of our kids (now 12 and 8) were planned..we wanted to wait after we married for at least one year before having kids. But, after a few months, here comes number one! You have no idea of what your future is going to hold..only God knows. So, in the meantime, enjoy your new bundle of joy!! Enjoy being a family and hold dear with what you have...God bless.L.-Michigan

I am an only child and I have two kids so here is my opinion.

I never felt I missed something by not having a sibling.. you dont miss what you never had...

However I see how much my kids play together and entertain each other.. (they are 18 months and 3 years). It really is nice to have a sibling and have a buddy to play with all day everyday. My younger childs first word of the day is often "sissy" he loves his sister. (not so sure the feeeling is totally mutual.)

I also enjoy watching them interact.. They are so incredibly different. The look like clones but they are completely and utterly opposites. It is amazing.

My first pregnancy was rough, I had complications and the delivery was also difficult. My second pregnancy was a breeze.. Labor was 5 hours (from induction) and I pushed for less than 15 minutes. SO... jsut because you had a difficult first pregnancy does nto meant he second pregnancy will be difficult.

I was 39 with the first 41 with the second. My age was not a big deal.. Your age is not either.

My kids are 18 months apart.. I do not recommend having them that close. It is very hard to care for an infant and a young toddler. I felt like neither child got enough of my attention.

I would suggest at least 2.5 to 3 years apart. 3 year olds are nicer getting independent and you can reason with them at least a little bit..

two is a good number for us,and i think 3 or 4 years spacing was even better because our older daughter was a great help when we had our second. my first labor was very difficult and had a c section, i had a v bac with my second at the labor and delivery went a lot smoother.
i also have friends who only have one child and are happy with that, so you need to do what is right for your family

It is a personal preference. Do not let anyone make you feel one way or the other about whether you have one or two children. If you want one...then have one. It is wrong to have another child just because somebody feels it is unfair. If you have another child, it should be because you and your husband really want another one for yourselves. I have an only child. He is 17 now. We have never had "only child" issues (whatever those may be). I knew from the time I was pregnant with him...that he would be it. I had many people tell me it was wrong to have an only child and he needs a sibling. WHATEVER!!! I did not let anyone get to me. I know many people who had one child and their children turned out just fine.

Hi,
I am an only child. My parents wanted more children but my mom had a few miscarriages after me. As a child, I really wanted a sibling, but as I got older, it didn't bother me as much because I was so busy with school, friends, dating, social life etc. However, now that I'm married and starting my own family, I think about it again, especially as I anticipate hopefully having more children and it makes me wonder what it would have been like to share childhood experiences with another child. Also, my friends aren't around as much as they were before, so I wish I had a larger family to talk to etc. I don't believe it would be the worst thing you could do to her, but I guess if you can have another child, I would encourage it. Of course, if it is a medical reason or other serious reason, than that is completely understandable. There are obviously some benefits to being an only child, but I know I always wished I had a sibling. Hope that helps :)

I know you want other people's opinions but it truly is a decision you have to make. Only children grow up to be just as normal as children with siblings if that's what you're worried about =) My husband was an only child, I have one younger brother. I want to have 2-3 kids (he does to). My reasoning is because I want them to grow up with siblings, have someone to talk to and play with, and when they get older and my husband and I have passed I want them to be able to stick together. My parents both passed away in their 40's. I was away at college at the time but the experience brought my brother and I closer together. I can't imagine having gone through it alone. So not to make anyone sad or anything, but that's why I want more than one. As much as we fought growing up, as adults we are best friends. I wish you the best of luck in planning for this very big decision. Happy Holidays and enjoy your first Christmas as a mother!! Congratulations!

Well, it's a very personal decision. I have 3, and would never regret it! I had my 3rd at age 35 by the way! I remember a comment made to me when my husband and I were considering a third child. My friend (mother of 8) said she has NEVER known of anyone who regrets having another child. But when you don't have more it is easy to regret that later on. I say, go for it! I also grew up an only child, and wished for a sibling when I was young. I had a great childhood, but still feel sad for no brothers/sisters.

I haven't read all the responses but it looks like the majority that I did read say you should have the second child. Well, I will give you a differing opinion. I am an only child and, honestly, I love it. I know that sounds selfish but I'm not sure how to address that. My parents were really good about not raising a "typical only child" (or so I've been told). Most people are shocked to find out I'm an only child once they get to know me (i.e. they always expect only children to be selfish brats and I'm not). My mother and I are now the best of friends (I'm 32) and I think that's partially because I'm an only child. There are definite benefits to going either way so my advice would be to follow your heart. But I think that saying it's "unfair" to your current child to stop is wrong. As long as a child has good parents (and it sounds like you are since you have such concern over the issue), being an only child can be just as fulfilling as having siblings. And, in my opinion, a child with siblings can just as easily grow up to be a selfish brat as an only child - it all depends on the parenting. To be honest with you, when I watch the drama that my husband goes through with his siblings, I sometimes wonder if it really is better to have siblings. I think what it comes down to is that you can make both situations a "win". Just follow your heart. And, don't feel silly about planning this soon... I'm the same way :)

We decided to have at least two so that our children would have each other when we're gone. One of my friends is an only child and doesn't have a large extended family. She "turned out ok" (not at all spoiled, doesn't have any of the characteristics often associated with only children) but does wish she had a sibling to lean on as her parents get older, etc.

Hi there, I wasn't ever having children but at the age of thirty seven I found out the reason my tummy was protuding wasn't because of any tumor. My son is now ten and he has asked for a brother on numerous occasions, it makes him sad when he thinks about it. And if I hadn't thought I was too old to have more children I would have given him that sibling. I come from a family of five so I know what he's missing. But we grow up and go our seperate ways. So really its your choice. Good luck.

I say that if you are even asking this question that a part of you wants to have another child. I always knew I wanted to have at least 2 kids because I never wanted my child to grow up an only. I had so many siblings growing up that I feel it is good for your child to have a friend who happens to also be a sibling. I would say two is a good number. You and hubbie are not outnumbered and your child has someone to grow up with. The decision by all means is yours and your husband's though.

I have a daughter who is 4 next month and a son who was born this past July. I love seeing my daughter interract with her brother...she absolutely loves being the "big sister". Also, having 2 kids 3 1/2 years apart works out wonderfully well. I am one of 2 kids, and my husband is 1 of 4, so it was never an option for us to have just one. I think it helps out with socialization on top of entertaining each other sometimes!

Every pregnancy and delivery is different. My firstborn was like 2 mos old when he was born, because he was so big and it was a difficult delivery. My middle was a smaller baby and an easy delivery. My youngest ended up a C section because he was a biggy too and I was having difficulties.

So maybe you're jumping the gun thinking you're going to have another difficult delivery. Your body is acquainted with the changes going on.

But this is your/your hubby's decision, your daughter has nothing to do with it. Being an only child has its goods and bads. Having a sibling allows them to learn socialization and sharing mom time. Unfair to her? Well not that she'll understand any of the wherefores and whys for another 20 years, but she will be the apple of your eyes. You can always explain that you loved her so much and she was so perfect that you just didn't think it could get any better.
Or you could find out if there's enough love for another. Just realize that many who wait too long out of fear of a difficult pregnancy/delivery often wish they'd taken the chance anyway. And sometimes find it's too late. Consider all the angles.