Older Teenager Problems

You shouldn't have to pick up after a 17 yr old, I would get his father involved and sit down and write down what you expect of him, sometimes when it's in writing they understand better of what you want out of them, include the showers in detail,(soap, shampoo, deodrant ect).
Good Luck
J.

I have about the same problem with my daughter. What you can try this put the garbage in his room any dirty clothing lying around put it on his bed. Or just put the dirty clothing in a bag and when he starts running out of clothes he will wonder where they went.

I have a 15 year old boy with some of the same issues. We set clear boundarys and enforce them. If he does not pick up his socks and get them into the dirty clothes basket his laundry does not get washed. If he does not keep his grades up he loses computer games, TV, etc. You have to identify things that he cares about.

We have had some serious conversations with him about personal hygiene, but my husband definitely backs me up. The key is to be together on these issues. You have to let him know that if he is not clean no one will want to be near him and he will be known as the "stinky" kid.

Is this stepson working a job after school for extra money? Is he interested in girls at all? Is his birth Mother around at all?

I think that your husband thinking you're 'over-reacting' is not a good thing. (Especially if the son overheard you and Dad discussing it or arguing over it)
How would your husband feel if this role were reversed and he was doing all the cleanup work? By standing together on this issue you present a UNITED front the child cannot bypass.

They are looking for that chink in the armor. The old 'divide and conquer' was played on me and my husband by both of our children!

If your husband himself was TOTALLY responsible for cleaning up after his son (who obviously has a lack of respect-for himself and the family unit he lives with) he'd probably think differently.

The first thing I thought about was the socks and throw away garbage from eating. The socks would be heading for the trash in my house, or a bag I'd stashed in the closet to collect them in-UNTIL HE GOT THE MESSAGE; He could find his own way to replace them or go without.
The throw away trash would be a little more fun, as I would use the promise I gave my own son around that age....in the trash or between your sheets....let him decide which he prefers, and follow thru is key here-say it and mean it!

As for the garbage, I ran into that problem myself. It either goes out ON TIME or it can sit all smelly in his bedroom (or his closet) till they come next time. PEW-that only happened once!

Also make him understand he's older, so more is expected of him at this point. Life is not a free ride, and you'd better be prepared for it. These are not unreasonable requests of a 17 year old.
Does he drive? Until the rules are followed, this is a privilege that should not be given out or taken lightly.
If you can follow rules at home and school, then chances are you'll follow the rules of the road, and life in general.

Non compliance equals no privileges like car/extra money/video games given out.

As for the hygiene issue, what girl wants to kiss a boy with nasty dirty teeth? (At least he is in the shower once a day, so that is a plus.)
I know some of these suggestions might seem unconventional, but it really makes a point they'll REMEMBER.

Hang in there!!!

And guess what...my children are now grown up and still love me-even though I stood firm. Go figure!

J.,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a step parent can't be a primary disciplinarian. It never works and just causes contention.

Have a family council to get things in a livable condition. Have your husband talk to him about keeping his mess in his own room, taking out the garbage, pulling his weight, etc.

You are going to have to let go here a little bit. If he wants to have a disaster for a room, let him. Just ask him to keep his door shut so you don't have to look at it.

You didn't get to raise him and he has some habits you won't be able to change because he is 17. If you want any influence over him at all, you are going to have to gain his respect by loving and accepting him for who he is. Telling him what to do and pointing out his faults will only drive a wedge between you.

FYI - most of my college roommates were total slobs and they still had a good college experience, they were wonderful people and they were lucky enough to have an anal retentive roommate who kept the place spic and span. (Guess who that was.)

The funny thing was, when I was living at home I was just as much of a slob as your son. The more my parents criticized me, nagged on me, bugged me about it, the less I wanted to do. Then I got out on my own and was renoun for my cleaning skills because it was MY place and I had ownership in the situation and no one was breathing down my neck.

Good luck,
S.

I became a "step-mom" to two teens when my husband and I married, and faced very similar issues with the older child, a daughter. From personal experience, I suggest you back off on the advice. First: He knows all about hygiene. If he is refusing to shower or brush his teeth, he is probably either trying to annoy you because he knows this technique works on you, or he simply doesn't care. (Also, a four minute shower daily is probaly enough to clean him up -- unless he is a super athlete or has work that makes him filthy, four minutes should do the trick, and is actually better for the planet.)Second: As for the picking up, I stewed and ranted with my "step-daughter", all to no avail, until I sat them down and explained what the laundry rules were going to be. If they left socks in the living room, for instance, I would throw them away after ONE request to pick them up. I did that -- only once, because it worked. I made some other simple rules for them to follow (laundry had to be in the laundry room in the morning before school or it wouldn't be washed, etc.)She didn't always want to listen, so sometimes didn't have clean clothes to wear, but at least the fighting stopped. It wasn't fun, it wasn't easy. If I had it to do over I would spend a LOT less time worrying about the things she didn't do and lots more time trying to sit and talk with that daughter. Listening to her. I found out once my husband and I had the "second set" of kids that all teens avoid garbage duty, clean rooms, and general boring household chores.It isn't much easier with "my own" kids, to tell the truth! Your step-son is pushing away from the nest, as is normal. Normal. His dorm room will be a mess for a while, but he'll learn how to live on his own. I would suggest that you and your husband just make the most of the time you all have left together as a family, that you engage him personally, make him feel that he will be missed once he leaves, and that he has a family that respects and loves him despite his stubborness and the things he doesn't understand. I didn't do that for my "step-daughter"...by the way, I put that word in quotation marks because now, all these years later, we are very close. I consider her my daughter -- just that, no quotation marks needed. We have discussed my early obsessions and her early rejections, and realize we were both being hard-headed. I strongly suggest you relax, enjoy him, perhaps use humor rather than frustration to motivate him, and understand that 99% of teens behave just that way; almost all of them will grow up to be competent, reliable, responsible adults.

Step-parenting is difficult, and I wish I'd known then what I know now: They are kids in need of acceptance. Love them gently. --gretchen w.

Hi J.! Let it go! My experience was that the more I nagged the more important it became to my teenager not to be "bullied" by that jerk, her mother. (I imagine that goes double if the bully is a step-mother!) Just close the door to his room and let him live in the sty. Don't do his laundry unless it's in the hamper, etc. There's always the chance that when he isn't constantly nagged he'll take some initiative on his own. If not, peer pressure may do the trick, as most kids don't enjoy the company of friends with personal hygiene issues. If peer pressure doesn't have any effect, then send him off to college unprepared. You can force what you consider desirable behavior on him at home, but you can't make him want it. And I imagine your household would be more peaceful without the campaigning!

One of the hard parts of all this is that it can be pretty embarrassing for you to be associated with a slob, but that sacrifice is your contribution to his growth. Good luck!

J. -

Congratulations on your marriage/new family and baby!

You may not like the advice I'm going to share, but if I were a new stepmom to a boy who is very near leaving home for college, I would choose my battles VERY carefully - especially if your new husband is not 100% behind you. From now until he leaves for college I would absolutely tell him what you would like him to do/not do, but I would not allow those issues to cause friction among any of you. You are right - he is acting JUST LIKE 90% of the rest of the boys his age from what you have described. Just be VERY GLAD that the child you and your husband share is too young to pick up on your stepson's bad habits. What I would do is talk to your husband and tell him that when your stepson comes home from college on breaks, that you expect him to act like a responsible adult (which he WILL be)and to set a good example for your younger son, whom, as time goes on WILL pick up on and probably emulate his big brother's bahavior. As a stepmom you can't force your expectations on your stepson without your husbands FULL support, but you CAN be more forceful about what behavior you want your own son exposed to. AND, speaking from experience, your stepson may act A LOT differently after being off at college for awhile!

A little about me...I have two stepkids (one boy 21, one girl 20) whom I have raised since they were preschoolers. They lost their mom to cancer, and I am the only mom they've really known. That said, I STILL had to default to what their dad felt was appropriate with discipline, expectations, etc. growing up, and although I always made my wishes and feelings clear, he did not always support me where they were concerned. I had a daughter myself from a previous marriage who was only a couple of years younger than my stepkids, so that made the double standards very frustrating. My husband and I also have three children together (yep - 6 total!) and my biggest regret is that the friction caused by our disagreements about "stepparenting" took a TON of my emotional and physical energy - energy I could have spent more positively. We all do what we feel is best at the time, but I'd encourage you to focus on your baby and your husband, and really try not to make things with your stepson a huge issue. My stepkids became A LOT more appreciative of things at home once they had lived on their own a bit, and their daily habits became much more "considerate." There is light at the end of the tunnel! :)

Hang in there! Keep communicating with your husband about this and keep reminding yourself that "this, too, shall pass!" Kids are forever changing - we just need to keep praying that it is always for the better. Good luck!
PS - Don't worry about him having a good experience at college - I can tell you that he will likely be far more clean and organized than the vast majority of his dorm mates! And even if he is not, he will learn from that, as well!

Dear J.,
If you step back for a moment maybe you can see the truth in what you wrote. Your stepson feels second-rate. He is playing second fiddle to the cute 5-month old. He will never do anything you ask as long as you don't show him some real honest to goodness attention. He is looking for a lot of things at that age and needs you a lot more than he's letting on. Ask yourself if you know much about him. I'm guessing that you don't since this is a new relationship. You are into your babies so much that you're forgetting him. He is only showing that through not taking care of himself. Someone needs to take some time and just hang out with him. Why are you afraid that he'll go off to college and be a slob? Is that a reflection on you? My guess is that he needs someone to care for him so much that he'll go off and find new friends and hopefully the right crowd. Show him some love while you still have him around. My daughter graduated from high school last year and is now living away from me and I miss her so much, but I had to let her go. Please try to take his viewpoint for a moment and show some compassion. I think the results will be miraculous! If you can't make time for him then maybe his dad should...

Your stepson sounds depressed. You haven't been married very long and it can take a longer amount of time than we think it should for a teenager (going through so many physical and emotional changes to begin with) to adjust to change in their life. In fact, some prefer nothing to change - since their world is going so fast and is out of their control in many ways. What if he and his father had a father/son night? He perhaps needs to know he is still key in his parent(s) lives. You didn't mention his mother. Has that been a loss for him? Even happy changes can create stress. It sounds like some loving and patient building on the strengths of all your family relationships could help get the results you seek.

I beg you to step back and let his dad handle this. It's hard to live with a slob but you don't have much time left. It's absolutely not up to you, having just joined his family under a year ago, to help him understand the importance of these things. Being a slob will not ruin his college experience.

Your role right now is to make as good a relationship with him as you can. Your family with your husband and baby will always be affected by your relationship with your stepson. Please focus on that and let annoyances go right now. It is your husband's job to deal with his son. If he thinks you're over-reacting it's going to cause tension in the marriage.

17 year olds are slobs, they're inconsiderate, and they're lazy. It's very annoying but it's normal. He will get less and less annoying as he grows up, especially if you have a good relationship with him.

My very best wishes to your whole family.

J.

My opiniion on teen nagers who have problems like this really seems to work. Explain to him that since he seems to want to act like a small child, you will have to start treating him like one. Make a chart with daily chores that he needs to do on it (jut like you would make a chart for a 3 year old) When he does the desired chore (brushing teeth, washing body, takling out garbage) with out being reminded, he gets a sticker. If he doesn't get the desired amount of stickers in a certain period of time, he doesn't get to drive, or he is grounded, or he can't play video games, whatever punishment you see fit. Also do not allow him to do typical 17 year things. Again, explain you will treat him like an almost grown up when he starts acting like one. Hope this helps.

Unfortunately, this sounds pretty normal! I dont have any answers for you, but know I am dealing with the same thing with my 18 yo ds.
S.

Having gone through the same issues with our son (who will soon be 21), the best advice I can give is that you and your husband need to be on the same page. Otherwise, your stepson will pit the two of you against each other. After you and husband get things decided, sit down with your stepson, explain all the chores around the house that need to be completed, let him help with dividing up the chores between the three of you and then choose consequences (that would apply to each person) if the chore is not completed. That way, he will take ownership in the chore and it won't just be a directive from you. As far as the personal hygiene, that should resolve itself when he finds a girl he is interested in. Then you won't be able to get him out of the shower and the smell of cologne will fill your house! Good luck!

About the personal hygiene issues (I can't help you with the other stuff), I would totally leave him alone about it - it's one less thing to hassle him about. Don't remind him about washing himself and brushing his teeth - his peers will take care of that. And if he ever wants a girlfriend, he'll figure it out on his own.

We struggled with something similar with my husband's oldest too. Being a step mom is tough :-) I hear you. Maybe let him experience some of the consequences of not taking care of himself? If you stopped picking up after him, he'd probably run out of clean clothes to wear, what would his friends think of that? I'd just tell him that it's time he learned to help himself - even doing some of his own laundry. Of course, I'd offer to show him how :-)

Boy, with him being a teenager, and being a step-parent there are a lot of variables going on here, but I agree with Betti that his disregard for personal hygiene may be linked to depression. Think about it: if he doesn't care if he stinks or has bad teeth, he must not be interested in girls or interacting with peers. I, too, would suggest that you have him evaluated for depression, and at least get some family counseling, as part of his behavior may be because he is unsure how to fit into the blended family. Maybe you and Dad need some help too, how to deal with this. This is NOT implying that anyone in your family is CRAZY! Getting counseling is NOT a sign of weakness, or a sign of failure. Getting counseling is a wonderful way to find ways to help your family work together, with the aid of an interested third party professional.
M. D

One thing I remember about being a teenager is the more I was told what to do the less I wanted to do it. I did most if my growing up after I left the house and was able to make my own choices.
Unfortunately, you may have to wait until he learns the hard way- the way most teenagers learn- when he is on his own. He'll either get disgusted with himself and his habits and want to change, or someone else with get disgusted enough to tell him off. Sometimes they just need to hear it from someone else. Of course, if he finds a girl he wants to impress, he'll change in a hurry! =)
The only thing you can do is let him know what is expected of him and what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow through (post a list in a place where it is visible if you have to) and then start counting the days till he moves out.

Could it be depression? I know other people think it sounds normal and not having a teenager myself, I don't know. Did he ever have good hygiene? Usually when we don't take care of ourselves it is a sign of something. Just a thought.

I have a 14 year old son, and he sounds alot like your 17 year old! For the longest time I had to force him in the shower, and he wouldn't use soap, but now that he is getting greasy hair and pimples, he's all worried about that, so he's showering daily. He never washes his hands or uses napkins etc....and the whole time I am telling him to do so. He has certain chores to do, and he won't do them upon me telling him, he will do them at his leisure, so I have learned to just be patient, he likes to be able to do things at his own pace. And I had remarried, so my husband (my son's stepdad) when he says to do something, it gets done immediatly, so obviously I am the softie. I am sure when you stepson gets more into girls, he will worry more about his cleanliness and looks, and when he's on his own, he will eventually learn the hard way, and may change for the better if he is dishing out the money to pay for an apartment or college etc., and you may be surprised!

Ha, you sound like my mom a few years ago. My much younger brother was getting ready to go off to school and she worried he'd be like that when he left home. Things went just fine. Sure he had a few "lessons" to learn but that's just part of growing up. Really don't have any kind of suggestions to help but I thought I would share. I'll just tell you what I told my mom, throw a party when he's out.

I have a 14 year old that doen'st do his share around the house either. Simple things like keeping his room picked up and wiping the toothpaste out of the sink when he's done. I started taking away things that are meaningful to him, like his tw in his room. I warned if he doens't follow through with what we ask of him the computer will be next etc. It is working. They need to feel it where it hurts and youl'l get their attention.

Part of this sounds like simple rebellion, and some sounds more like depression. I would take care to make sure he is evaluated for depression, and otherwise I would try backing off a bit. No 17 year old needs someone involved in his hygiene. If he stinks, peer pressure will probably take care of that. If he is interested in attracting someone he'll change. As for his doing chores, let his dad handle all that. You shouldn't be handing out any consequences. He'll just resent you. You don't need to be his maid though. You have to set your boundaries and handle it like you would if you had a sloppy adult roommate not a child to discipline.

It seems kind of basic, but perhaps creating a checklist of chores might help. My sons need a list of basic hygiene issues I post in the bathroom and after awhile, I could remove the list and it became more of a routine.

You could try drawing up a contract with your son. Allow him to participate in the process. In the contract, be very specific about what his chores are and when he needs to do them. After each chore, list the reward he will receive if he does it and the consequence he will receive if he does not. Rewards could be a later curfew, more phone/computer time, increased allowance etc. Consequences would be the opposite. Rewards and consequences are something you will need to work out together. Once the contract is signed by both of you (and dad), you need to stick to your guns. If a consequence is required, do it, and if a reward is required, do it. He may buck this system at first, but if you are consistent he should come around. Good Luck!
S.
Juvenile Probation Officer

I do understand what you are going through. Its tough as a parent to ask to have things done around the house. This is a cultural thing. If Dad doesnt do it, the son sees that he doesnt need to do it. You need to sit down and talk to husband and let him know that he needs to become an example to helping in the home with domestic chores. It looks to me that your husband is not supporting you by being an example. Believe it not, itis no longer a womans job to clean the house. With several people working outside the home these day to make ends meet it should not end when everyone is at home. Reinerate to your husband that you need help by him to get your son by being a example to him and informing his son that this is part of living and lgrowing up is doing things in the house. It is so important these day be a one family unit that work together as a whole then pulling from every angle to get things done. Make a list of things for him to do and make sure the both of you follow through with some consequences. This is not one person problem here. Your Husband has to understand and learn that there has to be two chiefs in the house instead two indians. Support each other as husband and wife in rearing your children and set guildlines and consequences. Its best teach them now in the home then have him learn in the outside world. Good Luck KM

Hi J.,

My biggest suggestion is to print this and give it to your husband. He NEEDS to be on board with this. My Mom is married to a man who has a son that is now thirty and still acts like this. No Kidding, he needs to be told to shower AND use soap.(My mom actually had to tell him how to wipe his butt too but we won't get into that!) He is currently living with them and cannot find/or keep a job.

Everything was done for him as a teenager then he joined the Army and everything was laid out for him.....you do this, then this, then this...ect. Now that he is 30 he has no idea how to be responisble for himself. Yes he is an EXTREEM case but it just goes to show it CAN happen.

I agree with the other person who said if he want's to act like a little boy then treat him like a little boy. One thing I would do before that though is sit down as a family and try to talk to him as an adult and reason with him and tell him why you expect certain behaviors from a man his age.

If he doesn't do it already I would suggest that your husband makes time to spend with him. Special time for just those two(if he doesn't already) to bond. It could be that with the baby he is feeling a little sidelined. It's not like he is a little boy and needs it everyday but I would say they should have a "date night" once a month. Even children at that age can have feelings of being leftout or unimportant...even if you feel like you are not treating him that way. Plus these times would be great oportunities to talk to him "man to man".

Good Luck J.!
~A. (the Super Nanny lol)

Boy I have been through that. Ground him until things start improving and don't give in. Tell your husband this is starting to get inbetween you and him and then maybe he will take it more serious. Setting good examples early will follow them through life especially for the little ones. Maybe a health class could help this 17 year old child. Question??? Does he have a girlfriend? Girls will not have anything to do with him if he does not bathe regularly.

I have an 18 year old. The story is much the same. Although I do truly believe that if he had a girlfriend or somebody to dress for his ideals might change some. I'm hopeing that maturity will also cause him to think a little more about his outward appearance. I also work at a local high school and he seems to be the same as all of his class mates so cheer up I think its a phase....

J.,
I just saw some research that said if kids haven't had responsibilities and chores from the time they were 3-4 years old, that starting to give them chores as older teens can "backfire" meaning they get all bent out of shape about it and it doesn't stick. I think you'll also continue to have a hard time with whatever you try if your husband isn't on board as your teen can obviously figure this out and chooses to take the message he wants which is that Dad doesn't care. If you all can get on the same page that you are all a family and to make it work everyone has to pitch in, then maybe he'll go along, but it will take Dad involved and maybe even chores that Dad does to be a good example. Also if he is getting an allowance, I'd tie it to the chore and not give him anything till he does his stuff with no reminder.
As far as his college experience, part of being at college is figuring out how you are going to function with no one telling you what to do. It's his responsibility at that point to make his choices and deal with the consequences. You aren't responsible for that. Good luck getting creative with chores!
S.

We had a young woman move in with us as an adult. She was very sweet, but only did the things she WANTED to, WHEN she wanted to. Her counselor suggested this system.

We charged her "rent"-$350. (It equaled what she would pay for an apartment).
We then made a list of things that we wanted her to do so she could "earn it off":
Weekly Cleaning done by 12pm Saturday (the work was agreed upon)$20 (warning:be prepared to do it for them if they don't get it done)
Make bed/tidy room 5 mins./say prayers-$2 a day (her problem if it wasn't done. We included this to help with good habits. Showering/teeth brushing, clean clothes could be added for your situation)
Counseling-$10 a visit
Attending College-$50 a month
Babysitting-$5 an hour
It all added up to rent for the month if she did everything.
She was 100% responsible for her own laundry and bedroom. (I would put the laundry in a seperate basket if it were in with our stuff, and put it out of my way if it was in the wash when I needed the facilities.)

What ever she didn't "earn off" she would have to pay us cash by the end of the month, or recieve 30 days notice. She always "earned it off", but she would beg to babysit at the end of most months to make up for not doing other things throughout the month. That was not so bad for us, though.

We tried to include things that we felt would be not only good for us, but good for her too. Please understand that your family's situation may require different things. You and your husband (not just you) need to decide what is most important for your son and your family and the appropriate consequence.

In our situation, she was told that she didn't have to sign it, but she would then have 30 days notice to move. She agreed to it (begrudgingly), but this worked for us for over 1 1/2 years. She was a joy to have in our home. She enjoyed being treated like an adult. I NEVER nagged. She was responsible to keep an account (check list), or rely on MY memory of whether something got done. (She wanted credit for it so she kept a pretty good accounting).
This was a contractual agreement. So I was able to pull it out if she started in with any excuses or "unfair" attitudes.
We did include that we would provide love, food and shelter. And that we were doing this because we loved her.

I agree with one of the previous posters who said to make consequences for his inaction. You could use this system (without the moving out part) as a mock "real life" system, but instead of giving 30 days notice, you could take away privilages, require babysitting or other chores (of course, to be completed BEFORE he goes somewhere, eats, etc) to free up your time to do his.

Another idea might be that instead of rent you could charge him for meals, car use, rides, etc that he has to "earn" credits for.

He is pretty much an adult and you ought to treat him like one. No nagging. Just consequences. Look up "Love and Logic". I'm sure it can help.

A.

He sounds like my youngest daughter when she was a teenager. What I did with my daughters was to develope a point system. They got so many points for each chore they did. I didn't have a lot of money and have always gone to Thrift Stores to do my shopping. So I also had another list on what certain items were worth (example: For a blouse it was 10 points, so they would have to do a chore or chores that would add up to 10 points.) This worked pretty good for me. It not only gets them to do their chores, but also teaches them responsibilites and the value of money. This can work for any age. I hope this isn't too confusing and helps.

Peace & Love,

B....Sunshine

I can relate totally I have 3 boys 18,15,and 8 I also have step daughter 14 and step son 12. Rest assured its not because he is a step child as my own kids act the same way as do my step children. I think it is primarily the age as my oldest is finally outgrowing somewhat these issues. However my partner sees it as I worry too much and that the kids will grow out of it and become 'responsible' the problem is can I make it.

Hello, when my son doesn't do what he's told he has to write sentences and I mean hundreds of sentences. He learned after a few hundred sentences to do what he's told.
We do give him a warning do it now or your going to get sentences-it really works, there's no nagging going back and forth, no constant reminders. He hasn't had sentences in a long time, it helped him to take responsibility also.
good luck.

Strangly enough, my son went through this same phase. He didn't want to take a shower or bath, brush his teeth, dress nicely. I finally started getting after him about it. I had to get a little rough at times. After what seemed like forever, he finally started taking showers all the time. He likes cologne and stuff now as well. Now he will take two showers a day, if necessary. I think part of what made him start taking showers was the simple fact that he got a job, and he had to be clean to go to work. Talk to him about buying deoderant and colognes. If you have to be blunt about it, be blunt. Seems to me that part of this is a growing process and maybe possibly some low self-esteem.