Older Mom with a 7Yr. Boy

Hi I also have a 7 year boy and one thing i would suggest is joining boy scouts or something like that. My son is in boyscouts and we go hiking together or to the park and do things so that way he has a group of friends to hang out with that is very consistent. Another thing is to get together with cousins often. Have overnighters so that you get that special one on one time with someone close to you. I'm also 46 so I know what it is like to be an older mom.

36 year old mom, with a month old baby son. I can relate to the sibling or not question. But since Julius was an accident himself, I didn't want to try again. The complication is that I have Multiple Sclerosis, and Julius had to be born via C-section, because my doctor didn't think I could handle a long, vaginal birth.

Tell him he is such a perfect little boy that you knew you could never have another child as great as him so you stopped...or you may want to consider adopting, there's a lot of kids out there that would love to have a stable home...good luck.

Why not look into adoption. There are many, even older, not babies, looking for great homes. If not an american child look into adopting a Russian child. Hope this helps. Or just keep working at building in his mind how special an only child is and how thankful you are to have him.

Background first, My daughter is 25 my son is 8, years old, It is exactly like having an only child. I am 41 my husband is 35. I want more kids as of yet nope , But we keep trying, that is good stuff (smile) What great parents your son has , do you remind your boy how much you love him . How blessed he is to be exactly what you wanted!!!!!!! How hard it would be at this point in your lives to share him with another if not do. Or take it from a total differnt prospective and consider adoption as an option and go and pick the perfect brother or sister for your son to grow up with. Smash Smash that guilt to the curb. so many babies to fall in love with that would be less painful than caring in your womb right . BEST OF LUCK.GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR GREAT HUSBAND love your boy they grow to quickly . L.

Dear T.,

I was the youngest of three children and 10 years apart in age from my nearest sibling. Mom was RH negative, and was not able to conceive after her 1st two were born. I was the surprise 10 years later that they thought they'd never have. Essentially, from age 8 on, I was an only child as my older siblings left for college and marriage.

I can remember feeling lonely sometimes, especially when we moved to our farm for the summers and the nearest neighbors with kids lived a quarter mile away. I don't regret any of those experiences, and reflect warmly on the rich and joyful "growing up" years I had.

I was more mature than many of my friends in a lot of ways, because I spent most of my life surrounded by adults. I've also been more independent than a lot of my friends as I'm accustomed to going on new adventures without always having a sibling to go with me. My parents were really great at not spoiling me, (I've met a few "prima donna's" who were spoiled. . .) but including me in the things they were doing and providing me with rich experiences.

My first "problem" with growing up basically alone came as I had my own children and not knowing how to handle sibling rivalry, because I had never experienced it in my own life.

Enjoy your son and love him, but don't spoil him. He will likely feel as I do that growing up alone has it's advantages. Help him find good, wholesome friends and strengthen relationships with cousins.

I hope this is helpful.

Aloha,
J.

I have four kids and I came from a Family with 5 kids so really I'm on a different page and have no idea how to relate...my only thought when I read this was how cool is it that you got to bring a child into this world before it was too late for your body. It's obvious he was meant to be an only child if this is how your life worked out, right? I think your son will be absolutely fine as an only child...he doesn't know any different. No more guilt...you are doing fantastic!

What if you really could not have another baby?
Tell your son you could not physically handle another baby.
He can all the friends he wants to come over and hang out
with him. He will be alright with being an only child when you are. Other than that don't coddle the situtation.
Make a statement and be done with that conversation.

N.

What about a pet, dog or cat, the child will forget about the sibling. G. www.cantemosco.com

Hi, I am the mother of three girls, 22, 18 and 2. I was an only child and my husband had siblings. I think that you always want what you don't have. There are good and bad about both. I could never blame anything on a sibling, if it was broke, I did it!! But I had all the attention, did not have to share a room, and my things were always as I left them. My two older girls did fight quite a bit and I really could not enjoy them as much as I do my youngest, I was always settling arguments to say the least. Maybe if your son had a friend spend the weekend or a cousin stay a week in the summer, he could get it out of his system, the good and the bad. Either way, he has your love all to himself and will appreciate it as he gets older and has his own. You sound like great parents, enjoy.
M.
www.MrTeaTravel.com

T.,

I am sort of in your situation yet I have more than one child. My husband and I were 40 and 45 when our son was born. We had talked about having another so that our son wouldn't be an "only child" when he was seven.

I have 3 children from a previous marriage. They are within 22 months of each other. My daughter is 18 and due to her relationship with her father, she has spent more time recently at her father's than with me. My twin sons are 16 but spend only half the time with me, if that. I knew that as my youngest grew, he is 5, he would see less and less of them. He would be 7 when they went off to college.

I totally understand the feeling of wanting to have another child so that your son can have a close sibling. My husband and I reached a point when our son was about 2 that we sat down and had a specific conversation about having another child. Basically, no matter how much we wanted to give Daniel a younger sibling, my body was not up to it. Soon after that I needed to start to take medication that eliminated the possibility of getting pregnant any time soon. I still have moments of grieving the fact that I will not have anymore children.

I have thus made an extra effort to be there for my son. Making sure that I am physically doing things with him. Putting extra effort and creativity in my marriage so that I can give my son the gift of a strong family and a father living in the home. Also a calm, loving household. Even though my older children are close in age, they have had many squabbles and when they were younger even physical altercations. Siblings mean that resources are shared by others.

My advice for you is to try to find a friend that they can be buddies. Ideally this boy will be an only child also (or a large # of years between the other siblings.). Bring to your son's attention all the things he is able to do monetarily that maybe his classmates are not able. Also, if he had a sibling, he would have less of mom and dad and he might not even like him/her. Do this in an actual conversation not just throwing comments over your shoulder as your husband has done.

For yourself, go away for the day and look at your life. Take some time facing the fact that you will not be having more children. Recognize the fact, embrace it and move on. Look at all the blessing that you have. The sooner you face this I think your son will come to terms with it also.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

My parents also had me later in life & I am an only child and am now in my 30's. I remember ALWAYS asking for a sibling! I think what you are doing by keeping him active in extracurricular activities is a good thing. It will probably be an issue for him for a couple more years. But, when I was in jr. high & high school, I had some very close friends & I was active in a group activity. THAT became very important to me. I was on a dance team throughout high school. My teammates became like sisters. I say keep playdates going now, and with time you can put him in sports or group activites. Friends are VERY inportant to only children. Also, if he has any cousins to play with, I would definitely encourage those relationships. Good luck!

My hat is off to you. I am 49 also with a 3 year old grandson and my energy is spent at the end of the day. I don't know if I could keep up with another one.

Eventually your son will accept the fact that he is an only child, but for now the best thing you could do is to have him invite a friend on outings (going to dinner, movies, spend the night, or just to hang out for the day). My youngest son at times had wished he was a big brother (I did not want a 4th child along with a girls scout troop) instead he had become close with a friend from his speech class and they did almost everything together.
Your son will always wish for a sibling but at the same time he will also be happy with not having to share your attention or his room ;-) Just love him (not spoil him)!

Hi T.,

I have a half sister who is 8 years older than me & she lived with her mom so I only saw her on weekends & holidays, but she never wanted anything to do with me because of the age difference. So, I basically grew up as an only child & I could get lonely at times, but I had a friend over to play pretty much every day & I took a friend with me on most of our vacations & trips to amusement parks & zoos & such, so it was fun most of the time. The only issue that I really had with growing up as an only child is that it was very hard for me to learn to share and to think about other people's feelings & needs. I was very self centered for most of my childhood & adolescence & had to learn empathy as an adult, so I suggest you look into ways to start teaching your son to think about others now, while he's young.

I am saddened to hear that they are manipulating you like this. I hope what your husband says is not over heard by the child!

I was also rather shocked to see a response telling you it was selfish to have only one child and I disagree!!

I have worked with and counseled hundred of parents and taught thousands of children.

All families are different and reactions vary but if he wants friends to play with you surely can provide as many clubs, activities and sleep overs as he might wish!

Who is to say he'd be any happier with a baby sister, for example. It's ridiculous. They are just pushing YOUR buttons because you have let them.
I say hats off to you for going ahead and enjoy your son to the max. Tell your husband to help him hear about frustrations of having a younger sibling as well as all these imagined benefits... and find ways to help him relate to others olfer and younger.
It is NOT automatic that sharing etc results from having siblings BTW.

;-)

Hi T.,

I too started late in life. I also have a 7 year old "only" son. Having another child isn't an option for me either. The best part is, I too am an only child.

Let me start with you first. Please T. don't beat yourself up for making this decision. It is okay to only have One Child. You know your body best. I too have had those exact feelings. Beaten myself up for them and even been ridiculed for my decision by others. Be good to yourself, because you have an angel to take care of. I promise you, he too will understand and respect your decision one day.

Your sweet angel is going to be just fine. Let me just say that one of the biggest perks of being an only is that we get to pick our own siblings! In developing relationships even at this early of an age the relationships of an only go much deeper and last a life time.

Explain all of the positive aspects of being an only child to him. How lucky he is not to have another sibling to share a room, bathroom, food, clothes his toys with etc.! More importantly and the best part of all, he doesn't have to share Mommy or Daddy's time or love with another child unless he chooses too. Like Friends or family members cousins etc.

Explain that he can have a friend that is as dear to him as a brother or a sister that he himself gets to pick out. It works! I have several friends today that have been in my life for 30 years or more including my husband. Several are Only children them selves.

As far as the contradictions of sharing and the stigma of being an only child, I have never known an only child to be selfish.

T., I have many solutions for you that my mom and dad instilled in me and that I have explained to my son. I would love to help you out with the blessing of being an only child. You can contact me any time.

I'm not officially a mom yet (for 2 1/2 more months!) but I am an only child. My whole childhood, it never occurred to me to think I "should" have had siblings -- I wonder if you and your husband talking about it put the idea in his head, and he's picked up on your guilt? Realistically, he wouldn't be able to do much with a baby at this point anyway, considering the giant age difference! Plus, all the siblings I knew fought like crazy, and said they were jealous of ME.
He is probably just a little lonely for some unstructured hang-out time with friends. Seems like in a big city these days, no one just "pops" over to hang out anymore. Is there anyway to facilitate that kind of interaction with his friends, or even have more casual adult get-togethers? If it's really hard to give him more time physically with his friends, I hate to say it but what about one of those video games they could play together online, so he feels a bit more connected... I went through stages of being lonely, despite lots of "activities". What kids really need -- and all of us! -- is a good friend to just BE with, and be accepted, outside of trying to be good at something. But finding this kind of friend is part of life -- you may be able to help him find that friend or spend more time with them, but you can't guarantee it. Good luck -- your kid is lucky you had him in the first place. Lots of women I know have already missed their chance to have kids at all.

Just a quick note. Please dont feel guilty. I am 34 and have a 7 year old that will be 8 next week. I had a rough labor with him and said that i would have no others. I felt so guilty and it drove me crazy. All my friends have at least 3 kids and I felt like an outcast. I teach preschool and parenting classes and have children around me all the time I love them to death. But my husband and I felt that 1 child was okay. I have yearned in my heart for one more. I just did not want to go through another hard labor. I also did not want to deal with being an older parent. I FINALLY gave in and decided to get PG. WE found out on Valentines day.
I feel that it is hard enough on our bodies in our twenties and thirtees. It will be even harder at 50. Things will be hard for you and your body. If you are okay with just one then i am sure he is fine with it. Kids get bored easily but it is good that you keep him involved with sports, etc. have you thought about adopting? What is important is what YOU feel!!!! If you feel it is right then do it. Good luck!!!!! :)

Did you think about foster parenting or adopting an older child. That way you give a child who needs a good home a home and you could get one near the age of your other child age It would be just he has a sister or brother but you would not have to start over again.Just think about it for a while. Then you should talk to your huband and lastly your son about this. Hope it helps

I am not an only child nor do I have an only child however I do have some advise.

Please do not fell quilty for the choices you have made. Your child will not be happy with many choices you make throughout his life but you can't make life altering decisions based upon how he feels and he has to know and understand this. My daughter is 7 as well and very often asks me to have another baby becuase she wants a sister. I just tell her the truth, I feel that I am too old to have anymore children and that I don't want anymore children. I tell her that when she is older and married she can have as many children as she likes. She says she wants 100.

If you really truly would like another child you could consider adoption but if you are done with one then just let your son know that. He may still ask but beleive me he won't be tramatized for not having a sibling. It may just help him have closer friendships as he grows up and friends will just become his extended family.

Hi! I know this is tough my daughter used to say that more at that age then she does now ,I put her in a activity class and she has made lots of friends and I let a friend stay at our home more often and it seems to have fixed much of the problem I also got her into books and writing a journal so when shes lonely she occupies her time or a lot of the time I devote to playing games with her or teaching her how to bake cause I like that. We also do yoga and listen to music and dance, I guess that it would be easier with a girl then a boy but some boys make great chef's when older. God bless.

if you aren't opposed to having another child in the house, why not try adoption? From personal experience, it is very selfish to have only one child, for the child's sake. It's hard to share, have compassion for others, etc.. when you didn't grow up experiencing life like that all along. I would say don't have a child naturally, because of your age, but maybe adoption or a surrogate would do the trick, that is, unless you are completely opposed to the idea and really do just want one child. Couldn't tell by the tone of your letter, nor the misspelling of the word pregnancy. :)

Remember that you are the parent, and you are the one (along with your husband) who is making decisions for your family. If you do not feel up to having another child, that is what you have to listen to. Also, he is 7, so talk to him about his desires. Give him the chance to express his feelings. Tell him that you understand and take him seriously, but it just cannot work. Tell him why. Try not to feel guilty about "depriving" him of a sibling. My mom deprived me of a baby brother, which I begged endlessly for, and I survived. My cousin begged for a pony, she survived as well. It is just that much more important that he has time with friends. Support him in those relationships and he will be fine. If he does not understand now once you give him a chance to, he will later. What is important is that you are happy with the decision that you made when it comes to your body. You are the one who knows your limits. Good luck!

My son is also 7 and an only child. I will not have any more kids because of health reasons I had when I had him. He asks almost weekly for a sibling and I think he'd be a fantastic older brother but we have explained to him that he's the only one for us :) I have explained that we love him very much and that we are very proud of him, but there won't be another :) You haven't deprived your son, you've given him life and two wonderful, caring parents! I think that if you are secure in what you say to your son, he will learn that there is nothing wrong with being an only child. Don't feel guilty for having a single child, be happy you have the opportunity to raise him into a thoughtful, caring and productive adult.

There is a group in the South Bay called The wONEderful-ones that meets at a park in Torrance each month. We went once and it was a really nice roup of people but couldn't make the times on a consistent basis so we didn't pursue it; Maybe look online for something like that in your area.

Enjoy your wonderful ONE!

Hi,

I was an only child and I loved it! My mom had me when she was 27 and my Dad was 35. They made the choice based on the planet, overpopulation and economics. They were very comfortable and happy with the decision. My first intuition when I read your note was that it first important for you and your husband to make peace with the fact your family is a 1 child family. There is so much pressure in this culture to have more that one child and that somehow have multiple children is somehow better. But a family is a family. I grew up being really close with my parents. We went on adventures together and had fun. They introduced me to their friends and loved having my friends over for parties and overnighters They were the cool parents. They listened to my friends and gave them attention (that sometimes was lacking especially my friends who came from big families.

One thing that might help your son--which helped me growing up not feel like I was lacking--was that my parents had close friends with a child my age and we grew up thinking of each other as sisters and spending a lot of time together--even sometimes going on vacation together. When I look back I see this set a really wonderful pattern of friendship. While my friends may not be my blood relations I treat them that way....Being an only child expanded my idea of what family is.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or is helpful. When you said that you feel guilty sometimes about not giving him a sibling I just wanted to give you a BIG old hug. This is a topic that I have been thinking about a lot lately--trying to get pregnant and watching my friends with 1 child trying to get pregnant.

Just want to say I can relate. I am 44 and have a 5 1/2 yr old son. My body also was not up for another pregnancy or breastfeeding.
First I would encourage your husband to cool it with the "should of" . It is not helpful for you or your son. YOu made the choice so you could be ahealthy active mother to your one son.
One thing that helps my son is having a special relationship with a younger child. I watch my friend's year old boy a few times a week and my son has developed a really great bond with him. It gives him that sense of being an older brother. So maybe reach out to a mom you know with a young child and see if it clicks between them.
The other thing that a child development specialist recommended was doing things to remember your son's time as a baby. Like creatinga box of his baby things etcc... because sometimes the longing for a sibling is also a longing for that time when he was small. The other thing she suggested was just talking about when he was baby and what he did.
THe times when it is hard for me is when he has no one else but me to play with and I don't want to play. But he gets through it and I have been talking with adult only children and they seem fine and in healthy loving relationships etc.. so not to worry!!
Sara

My daughter is 9 and an only child. She went through a phase of asking for another child but she was always asking for a big sister. She has some friends that have younger siblings and I think that all their pestering scared her away from asking for a baby. I keep her really busy with friends, playdates and other activities and she doesn't seem to ask anymore. She also has a few friends that don't have siblings so that helps. There hasn't been a need yet to bring a friend along on vacations but we try to stay active.

For me....I wish I would have had another one right away but didn't and don't think that I could handle it now. We can't bea ourselves up and we need to be so thankful for the child that we have!

Look into adopting a child there are many children that need homes.

How about identifying all the good parts of being a single child? Nothing in life is perfect. Our kids develop character whenever they are challenged to overcome! Perhaps your son can make a list of all the positive benefits of being an only child. Make a game of it, and reward him for each group of say, 3 good things he adds to his list. Perhaps he can "interview" his friends who aren't single kids, to find what positives they see for being a single child. Then he can make a poster to jog his memory when he's got a downer about being an only child.

As a former foster parent, I have to suggest foster parenting! :) Far from resenting the other kids as interlopers, my children thought of it as an extended slumber party. Your son might do the opposite and after having to share his house, parents, toys, food and everything else 24 hours a day decide that there are definite advantages to being an only. Be warned, the goodbyes when you return a foster child to their parents are heartbreaking (at least for me), but it's worth it.

He'll be fine. Don't worry about it. I have heard you should never have more children for your children, only for you. I would encourage activities where he can meet playmates and try to arrange playdates when possible....otherwise don't worry.

If you are interested in another child. Consider adoption...there are so many children who need good homes! But only do it if it's something you and your husband want to do.

Hello T.,

My heart skipped a beat when I read your story. I had my son at 40 - he is now 7 and he is an only child too. There will not be any more children. Although he does not ask for a sibling, I always knew in my heart that it would have been better if he had one. He is a smart boy because he is always around adults. However, I have a difficult time keeping him occupied because we live in a condo and it is not conducive for socializing with other kids. I am always looking for other kids for him to play with. The problem is that Moms with other kids don't really put effort into getting the kids together when their kids have siblings to play with. If your son has friends to play with he is already ahead of the game. You and I have a lot in common from the get go. Write me back for now if you would like -- I am at ____@____.com, if you feel comfortable enough you can contact me at home ###-###-####. I look forward to hearing from you. G.

I had my first at 19 and second at 42, (yep 23 years between)

doesn't matter what age they are, they fight, when first one got out of Navy and came to stya with us for a few, the girls fought like sisters

I kept hearing "mum get her out of my stuff"

makes no mattter what age they are, they want a sib;omg until the sibling is there and then they fight

tell them both to get off it, bo out and find some friends and leave you an only child will be just fine

if he is so bored he should find some friends he can hang out with, or if your hubby is so worried about him being an only child he should start doing stuff with him, like a friend

I am now 57 and #2 is 15 and while she is good and hubby is not complaing for a sibling, I am tired and you will be also

Dear T.,

This is a very serious request by your son, and I think that you and your husband should talk seriously about adopting a brother, probably not a sister, but that would be part of the decision that he would have to help with. Find someone that is maybe his age, or a little bit younger, not a lot. He wants a companion, not a 'job'. There are lots of children out in the world with no home, no family and no way to feel truly wanted.

C. N.

I have an 8 year old who begged for 5 years to have a little brother or sister. Now, we have a two year old and it's constant complaining about how "there's no more mommy and me time," "wish it was just the three of us like before," "I don't want to share my stuff," "she's always getting into my things," "she breaks my stuff," etc.
You decide what your family is based on your needs and beliefs and don't worry about everything else.
:-)
Nez

Have you ever thought of fostering or adopting a child. My husband and I are a foster/adopt family and love it. We went from no children less then 2 years ago to being in the process of adopting 2 wonderful girls and 1 boy with the possiblity of another girl. It can be hard, but is worth it. There are thousands of children in California waiting for a forever family to be theirs'. If you are in the area surronding North Hills or Antalope Valley we have a great agency called Penny Lane. If your interested their number is ###-###-#### ask for Laurie Rein. She is the person who does the introductory class. Good Luck
B.

I think they're at an age when they're becoming more aware of themselves and those carefree days are just starting to fade. Alot of the children in my son's class are worrying because they're different. My son thinks he's the only child in the school without a Dad, another thinks he's the only lone child, another worries that they have a disabled sibling. Yet another stage, I'm afraid, towards growing up!

Please stop feeling guilty! Your husband is being extremely inconsiderate to you. He needs to deal with reality and stop saying such things. And you both need to understand that you cannot and should not give kids everything they want. It is normal for kids to want what they do not have. If you think his life would be more enriched and fulfilling had you given him a sibling, you need to think again. Think back. Didn't you know any "only kids" when you were growing up? One of my closest friends was an only child. She was always complaining about it, and the rest of us were always wishing we had her life. She wanted to be in our shoes, we wanted to be in her shoes. All completely normal. The kids who grew up with lots of siblings wanted less, the girls who had a brother wanted a sister, the kids who had a sister wished for a brother... it is nothing more than human nature. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. And let me just tell you this - my "only child" friend, Nancy, admitted to me on several occasions that she used the issue to her own benefit many times. It was her sure-fire way of getting what she wanted. If she wanted a toy or wanted to do something, and her mom wasn't letting her, she would whip her mom into a "guilt frenzy" using the "I hate being an only child" ploy and it always worked. It was like the emotional blackmail of her own mother! Even to me as her childhood friend - I found it pretty disgusting. Her mom fell for it every time. And Nancy ended up being my most spoiled friend by far.
I have had children close together - now in their 20s - and now I have an "only" - my 8 year old. Every now and then he says something about wanting a sibling close to his age. Does it cause me to feel like a bad mom? Not for a nanosecond. Because I know that one of the most important lessons we can teach our kids is that we all have different situations in life, and we need to make the best of what we have. We all need to learn to deal with reality. Personally, I think your son has learned that he can make you feel very guilty when he says he wishes he had a sibling. He must be getting something out of it, if only a great deal of emotion from you when he says it. Change your attitude, and his will change. When he says it, just say "I know." and move on. Minimize instead of maximize the issue and it will eventually go away. This is not a "problem" you can fix for him, nor should you. Your family is what it is. Reality. When he is a teenager you will be VERY glad that you only have one. :0)
I have to add that I am absolutely shocked and appalled at the people suggesting you adopt due to this situation. To those people - I am adopted. I have a granddaughter who is adopted. Children are not items to be purchased, something you run to the store for when one is wanted. What on earth are they saying? If your son wants a sibling, just go get him one! Outrageous.

Hi T.,
The main thing to remember, is that we do the best that we can given our situations. You had very genuine reason for not having another child. There was no error, and there is no fault. It is simply what is. My encouragement would be to handle it with your son by helping him to understand that you made the best decision that you could at the time. Those were your circumstances, and thank goodness that you had even one child - him. While you can't go back and change history, you can make decisions in the now to move everyone forward. That might look like coming up with solutions for his need for companionship, or whatever it is. That's the best that you can do. To blame is simply a huge waste of time and energy, and does not serve any positive purpose. Plus, your husband's message about what you "should have" done, only keeps your son focused on what is missing, or perceiving things as a mistake, which "should" be different. The truth is that even if he had a sibling, no one knows for certain that he would be happier. So, again, I would encourage focusing on what quality of experience your son is seeking, and go from there to find solutions. How about inviting friends over more often? How about a pet? What about some kind of volunteer program where your son could get to help out other kids in some way? I don't know what program to suggest, but the idea came forward to me as I contemplated a way for your son to feel connection and fulfillment. I had my son at an older age as well, so I completely understand your choice. My son also begs for siblings. I hope that one day I can adopt another son. Even with that thought, I have explained to him that I can't dictate how that will turn out, that if there is a child who is meant to be a part of our family, then it will happen, but I can't guarantee it. We just got 2 kitties, and he is happier than I've ever seen him. They take up most of his time when we are home, and he loves to play with them and nurture them. (btw, my son is 5 and my husband and I split up a year and a half ago).I hope that helps. I don't meant to be preachy or anything. I completely understand. Perhaps the sooner you accept your decisions as being okay, then your son will also.
Many Blessings,
M.

it depends if he wants an older or younger sibling i don't know if you said that in you e-mail but there's this big brothers/ big sisters program ask him if he wants a cool older brother like friend to hang out with... or if he has aunts and uncles with younger children maybe have a sleep over with his cousins. that worked for me when i wanted a little little sibling when my sister was like 6 or seven i used to go over to my aunts house and play with my cousins, but now i baby sit so i see younger kids al of the time. But that's comming from a thirteen year old... well... almost fourteen.
Good luck T.!

T.,
You are very brave to have had a child "later" in life. You did make a good decision for your own body not to have another child after 42 years old. It does get much harder to do the chasing as we get older! I, myself, wish that we had ours earlier, but, be that as it may...your son has the BEST life can offer! He is the ONLY one you have to concern yourselves with. He can do any classes he wants, play whatever he wants, whenever he wants and doesn't have to share YOU with anyone else! He will get over the "gimme a sibling" phase. Please don't feel guilty! You are being the BEST mom you can be!

T., am 43 and I have a 3 year old boy. My husbd is 49 and I am always wonderingif I can have one more child...but I give up all the time because I consider myself "old" and I don't have patience, I mean I have almost zero and I decided that is much better for my son to be the only child and have a "decent" mother than I have one more kid and be a horrible mother...I think if you really want to give a sibling to your son, you can consider adopting one and maybe you can solve his necessity...I am sorry for the broken English. I am Brazilian and I am stillo learning your language...
Take care and be free to contact me if you want to exchange some more ideas...

All the best!

Hi T.,
I, too, have an only son. He will turn 12 in April. My body couldn't handle another pregancy. I was so sick, so high risk, that I just couldn't do it again. If I could have, I would have. I have always been honest with my son, saying I was too sick to have another baby, he is our one and only. Yes, he goes through "I want a brother/sister" phase periodically, but I just let him work it out. I had a brother and I feel bad sometimes that my son won't know about a sibling. But that's life, ya know? We do the best we can :)

T.,
I can completely relate to your concern. I had my son when I was 30 and he will sometimes ask for a sibling. The problem is, I can't have more children.
We discussed adoption briefly but we decided it wasn't right for us at the time. My son is almost 9 now and he's doing just fine as an only child.
I am an only child and there were times when I was bored but really I think it helped me to become a little more creative with my toys and my time. And, I believe it made me a stronger and more independant person as an adult.
Have you talked to your son about the real reason he wants a sibling? Many kids think it will be a built in playmate for them but they don't realize that a sibling means "sharing". Sharing Mom & Dad, toys, your home and your life with a smaller child. They also don't understand that while they are the apple of your eye, people pay a lot more attention to babies than older kids out of necessity.
There's no reason for you to feel guilty if you know you've done what's right for your family as a whole.
People ask me all of the time why we didn't have more kids.
I tell them that we just wanted one. It's not anyone's business why really.
Hang in there!

Dear T.,
Being the mother of an only child is hard, but rewarding!
My daughter used to have the same complaints..but it was usually in response to seeing her friends Moms pregnant, or to playing with her friends siblings.
You might want to arrange more playdates, and get aways with his friends. Also, when my daughter used to complain, I would remind her of ALL the opportunities and things she has. She started to see the plusses of not having to SHARE all her things, her room OR her Parents with anyone else.
If your child is active in sports (mine plays Basketball), he'll start to see that the other children have to be dragged to their siblings activities, while he gets to enjoy other planned activities.
Pointing out that he doesn't have to compromise/listen to anyone (except his Parents) can make being an "ONLY" a great opportunity for him and for YOU, too!
GOOD LUCK!
W.

Try fostering a child about 1-3yrs younger than your son...See how he does with another child around that will be getting some of the attention..If one of the children work out with your family you can adopt him or her...Only try 1 child at time. Make sure to have a girl and a boy.Your son may do better with a girl...

My daughter (10) is an only child. She starts wishing for a sibling when she gets bored. I remind her that if she had a sibling, 1/2 of the television time, 1/2 of computer time, 1/2 of choosing outside entertainment time such as movies, restaurants etc would not be her choice. She has some younger cousins who get on her nerves (because they are babies & little kids). You might want to remind your son that a sibling would not have been his age, and therefore not "fun" like a friend the same age. I grew up with a younger sister and we constantly argued and fought. We just now, in our 30's, get along.

Don't feel bad about not providing your son with a sibling, he is going to be just fine without one. It's like curly or straight hair, it seems you always want the opposite of what you have. Does he like animals? Perhaps a dog would give him another outlet and a chance to feel like an older brother with responsibilities.

Best of luck!

Hi T.,
as my boy (now almost 11) was at that age, he also asked many times for a sibling. I told him, that it's not possible - I had a hysterectomy. My husband and I together (that's very important!) told our son, that we understand his longing, yet we can't meet that request. We told him daily how thankful and blessed we are to have him, also explained, that another baby would mean, that there is lesser time for him, and overall that life in every aspect would change. I hope, that you will be able to have your husband back you up - his saying "I told you......" is not helpful at all, men often say things without thinking. He probably can't see the whole picture either?! Please, don't feel guilty - there is no need at all for that. You give your son all he needs, and having a mother and father, playmates and different sports will fill the want probably fairly soon.
Explain to your son, that you love him wholeheartedly, but don't have the physical ability to have another child. Good luck - I'll pray for your success.

I am an only child, and I hated it as a kid. I felt lonely and bored, and that my house was too quiet. I begged for siblings like crazy! (Now I am pregnant with my fourth, so beware! Your son might try to make his own big family, so you may have lots of grandchildren). However, now that I am an adult, I see how positive it was to be an only. It is one of those things that your son will always long for siblings, but it is a good lesson in learning that you can't always get what you want. Even as an adult, I wish I had a sibling, but I also know that I am more outgoing, precocious, and independent that my friends who grew up with siblings. I am more content to be alone than most, and I enjoy my own company. The first thing I would do is ask your husband not to make comments like that, because that makes you seem like the bad guy, and that is not fair. Men can't possibly understand how it feels to have your body hijacked like it is during pregnancy, and he is not really qualified to comment. Plus, there are a lot of risks associated with pregnancy over 40, so you could tell your son that you felt so lucky that he was so perfect, and thought you should quit while you were ahead. I don't think it is about you being able to make him alright with being an only, because you don't have the power to control his feelings, but he is reaching the age of reason where he can understand some of the deeper issues around adding to the family. It's important for him to realize it isn't all about him, and there were lots of reasons for not having a sibling that had nothing to do with him. My mom did a great job of teaching me that, most people are amazed that I am an only child, because my mom made me work in high school and earn my own money, and I was not very spoiled for an only, and I am all the better for it. Good luck!

Read the book "Siblings Without Rivalry", it will help you see how having only one child can be a blessing for you and for them!

Hi T.,

I don't have an only child. I have two. One boy and one girl. I just felt for you in the request you sent. Where do you live? Would you like to have a "play date" with the kids? Just wondering.

Sincerely,

E. G.

Dear T.,

I am not, nor do I have an only child. What I do want to say is that this is sssoooooooooooo common! Even among children who have siblings! They always wish they could have a baby around. I don't know why, except to say that they obviously aren't going to be the ones changing diapers and taking care of the 2 a.m feedings! I have three children, ages 19, 17, and 15. The oldest wishes he had a baby brother - but I don't think he ever realized that he'd have to put all his (choking hazard) toys up, or that he'd have to share his room with the baby. My "baby" always wanted a baby too. At fifteen, it still comes up periodically. I spoke to my friend after I read your letter, before I had responded, and told her what I wanted to say, and she said her three kids are the same - always wanted a baby, even though they had siblings.

Also, we have two cats - my kids want a dog. I think this falls under the categories of "you can't please all of the people all of the time" and "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." Your son may not appreciate how good he has it until he is grown and has some perspective. At this age, even if you had another baby, with the age difference, they would both be like only children. Don't worry about pleasing your son - it won't ever happen! (At least not any time soon!) - If you had another baby, he'd be upset about something else - the baby breaking his toys, having to babysit - something! Just keep doing what you're doing - and tell your husband to stop crying over spilled milk (or would that be "unspilled milk?") and be more supportive!

Turn a deaf ear - they will both always have something to complain about! - just get on with the life path you have your family on . . .

Good luck!
B.

Have you ever considered adoption(not necessarily a baby, but an older child closer to your son's age?) That way, you would be helping a less fortunate child find a loving home, and your son would have a sibling to play with.

I was 35 when I had our 16 year old. He did not like being an only child and I had been on chemo after having him. I chose not to have another because of that. We became the proud parents of another son on Oct 9/2005 through adoption and it is truly the most awesome blessing and our sons adore eachother. You may want to consider this avenue...

If you decide you can adopt directly from your community, I live in L.A. and currently have a 4month old baby in my home, we are fostering and in line to adopt him should he become available, we are doing this through L.A. County Dept. of Children Services, you can adopt boy or girl ages infant to 18 years. Just a thought.

I just tell my daughter that I am not having another child. She is the light of my life - my one and only and there is no other choice. I set up play dates and allow her to have about 1 sleepover a month. I also make sure that I set aside time to play with her. We have game night and we do tons of crafts together. I am her Girl Scout leader, so she has them over once a week for a meeting.

She doesn't ask anymore - eventually he will get it and stop asking. Don't feel guilty! It is what it is and you are doing what is best for your family.

Dear T.,

I am in a similar situtation, except my husband wanted a 2nd child. My son who is 5 1/2 says he does not want a sibling at this point but this may change. I have convinced my husband that I cannot handle being pregnant again and he finally understood. However, I do have that guilt about not giving my son a sibling. I'm 45 now.

You can explain to your son a couple of things:

1) Because of your age, it was risky to have another child. And you wanted to make sure that you were around and healthy to take care of him.
2) Having a sibling does not guarantee friendship or companionship. They may hate each other.
3) Having good friends can last forever and you get to pick your friends.

I try to make sure that my son has lots of friends to play with and to make sure he spends lots of time with his cousins who are his age. I know his cousins will be his "siblings" when he is older. My first cousins are more like siblings than cousins to me. You and your husband have to make sure your son gets the quality time he needs with friends and cousins.

Also, you can consider adoption if you really want to have another child. There are older kids who need good homes.

Good luck.

I'm sure your son will be fine.

L.

Dear T.:

I am 42 also and my husband much older -- we are on our last attempt to have a child -- I hope it works! However, we do have a 9-year old daughter (my step-daughter) who is an only child. She frequently talks about having a sibling -- it's totally natural for kids to want a sister or a brother. I completely understand that you do not wish to have another child at 50 -- I know that I would feel the same way -- When your son is older it will be easier to explain to him why he is an only child -- in the meantime, what we try to do is remind our daughter of all of the positives and benefits that go along with being an only child when she seems particularly down about it -- and there are many. Also, we try to play with her the way a sibling would and get involved in her activities as much as we can...hope this helps...don't beat yourself up about it -- at 7 he is a little young to understand all of this -- but he will later.

My son was 11 when our daughter was born although I was 34 when I had her. He was constantly asking for a sibling and he was so anxious to have people come over. I felt guilty too but we honestly tried but since my husband was his step-dad since he was 2, we thought maybe he couldn't have kids.
He's a great big brother now but I know (because my brother was 13 when I was born) that they're both going to basically have the same "only child" experience although I think she might be okay with it.

I haven't seen anyone ask this yet and I don't know if you've thought about it or if you want it too, but have you thought about adopting an older child? A friend of mine couldn't medically have anymore children and she recently adopted two sisters (3 and 4 years old) through county. (cheaper) They supposedly have FAS but you wouldn't know it from talking to them or looking at them. Most importantly, in all the time I've known her she carried a lot of regret and guilt.
Now, she's happier than I've ever known her to be.

I don't know if that was a help or not but it's an idea. Honestly, as for dealing with it. My son always wanted to be a brother to someone. Now he has two (the baby AND we are guardians to a 16 year old girl) and he's clearly happier.