Okay, Now Don't Beat Me up About My High School Anxiety!

What does he think? I think you might as well tell him now if you are planning on moving him, but ultimately, I think he should have some say in this decision.

I worked with the school. I can't remember how many modifications we did to his IEP his freshman year. I actually thought this would be about going to a big school because that was my biggest fear going in.

Anyway, the school contacts me as soon as they see him slipping in an area. We brainstorm, mostly over the phone, and change what needs to be changed.

But to answer your question, talk to your son. See if he wants to fight it out or change. In four years he will graduate, this is a good time to teach him to advocate for himself.

At a week in I'm going to tell you that at least 50% of the kids are floundering at their new high school.Its a huge change and one that takes more than a week to shake out.

Does your son have an IEP? If so make sure the school is doing everything they are required to do. Make an appointment and talk with them if needed. If he doesn't then you need to have him tested asap to set a game plan for him to succeed.

Lastly, go with your gut. Moms just know when something isn't right for their kids. If you really feel that this isn't a good fit then talk to your son and get his point of view on things. Maybe he's overwhelmed by everything being different and you need to help him figure out how to make it all work. Maybe he's not as organized as he needs to be for high school and you can figure out a system with him to help. Maybe he's really in over his head and pulling him out is the right choice. Anything you do should include him in the conversation so he's involved in his life. At some point you and your hubby aren't going to be around to hand hold and you want to make sure he understands how to look at things and decide what the best path would be.

I'd include your son in these discussions, since this is high school, not preschool. How this is handled will not only help him with school, it will help him see how problems in life are addressed. There will be many instances where any person can flounder at first - dealing with a new roommate in college, a new boss and a new job, joining a team, trying a new sport or hobby.

I also side with everyone who says that one week isn't enough time to judge a new situation, unless there is red flags and alarm bells going off like crazy. Floundering can be simply finding one's path, or finding one's footing, or adjusting.

Learning disabilities means he learns a different way, but he still has the ability to assess his situation. But I think it's important to have a family discussion, and open the communication path with him, and evaluate things at the end of every school week for the first quarter. Encourage your son to talk openly. Encourage him to share, and let him know that you want what's best for him, and that he has the ability to speak up on his own behalf.

I hope that this school year is a good one for him.

M.,

Your son, as a freshman, is old enough to be included in this conversation. What does HE think?

Transitioning to high school is a huge adjustment for most kids. As with my family back in the Chicago area, I'm thinking you are just two weeks into school, right? Are you certain some of this is not just part of the adjustment? Before pulling him from this school, I think a talk with school staff is in order. Contact his teachers and his school counselor. Do they believe he is as woefully behind as you do? Do they have a plan to address your son's needs? Does the plan seem feasible?

We all have to learn how to handle these adjustments and transitions in life. If you pull him before he's had a chance to develop skills and strengths in this area, he will have lost an important learning opportunity.

Talk with him, first. He deserves that respect at this age. Then, talk with the teachers and counselors and make sure you're all following the plan to help him adapt.

I would talk to him first, he's old enough. But I would also consider giving it longer than a week.

Both of my kids are on IEP's and my step daughter is MOMR so she was in full special ed. It sometimes take a month or two to figure out what works best for the kid. Especially when they have 7 different teachers.

I would talk to the spec ed director and see if you can make some changes. The biggest changes that helps my 2 kids is no homework and shorter assignments. That way they are able to keep up with everything the typical kids are doing but don't have to be overwhelmed with so much of it. Good luck.

I would work with the school first, for 3 reasons.

1) Your son needs to see you working to resolve a problem rather than him just running away from it. He can be a partner in the conversations, at least some of them. A zillion kids in the school have LDs and it may take some tweaking to get the support services lined up right.

2) You have no guarantee that the new school will be any better. The 3 schools all looked good from the outside, right? Kind of like buying a house - it's staged to look as desirable as possible, and only when you're in it do you find that it's not perfect. But you don't automatically move - you look at fixing things first.

3) Moving to a new school will cause stress for your son too. He will have missed the orientation/introductory stuff and will be a week behind in work, learning kids' names, learning teacher expectations/patterns, and so on. There's no guarantee that a new setting will be perfect either, and you'll have set him up for expectations.

Maybe moving IS the right thing, but not until you work on the current situation. You even hedge on your conclusion by saying, "We have concluded that the LD school MIGHT be a better option."

Don't let your own anxiety spill over onto your son. Show him the way to CALMLY work with others in a team approach to get what he needs.

I don't have experience myself in this - and I feel for you, must be very stressful and hard to watch your son struggle.

My first reaction reading your question when you listed the options 1 and 2 was to talk to your son and see what he feels. Maybe that was part of it anyhow. But I agree with Julie, see what your son says first. You can still talk to school and look at the other one in the meantime.

Best to you and your son :)

Two things are missing from your question, I just want to clarify:
(1) you're saying that you ultimately decided on the Catholic school, and he has been there for one week?
(2) when DH says "wait until you've decided on the second option" - you mean DH hasn't decided yet, DH thinks maybe he should stay at the Catholic school for a while?

I think you should talk to your son. Even though you may have initially favored LD schools, you ended up agreeing with DH to send him to the Catholic school, right? (I'm assuming that DH did not force it against your wishes or anything like that.)

So it sounds like you and DH both saw great possibilities in the Catholic school.

Talk to your son, rather than being so quick to second-guess your decision to send him to the Catholic school. Maybe you can work with all of their resources and make it a good fit.

My kids are younger, but my gifted kid has already burst into tears over homework, and both kids are exhausted and so grouchy after the first week of school. It's the major change in routine from summer, and it takes adjustment for any kid - regardless of how typical or atypical his learning ability is. So don't discount that this might be a normal adjustment.

I would probably give it time but also talk to the other school of your choice and ask them if switching after the start of the year is possible and if so, what that might look like logistically. After another week or so, see if your son gets more comfortable, and if not, then bring him into the conversation. I think he should definitely get an opinion - but I also think that in order for him to have an educated opinion, he needs to know what switching might look like. Find that out, so that you know it's actually possible and how it works before you bring it up as an option.

My granddaughter has been on an IEP since grade school for ADHD and writing. She had difficulty getting started her freshman year. So did her friends. This is common. One of her teachers told her not to sweat it. Do the best she can. That's all she needs to do.

It really does take most of a quarter to figure out how to fit into high school. High school is a major social and educational change. The school he's in now will have resources for him and you as a parent even without an IEP. I would not consider transferring him until he's at least half way through the quarter. If you do transfer him, do it at the end of the quarter. To transfer him now creates more chaos. You want a transfer to go as smoothly as possible.

I urge you to find out what resources this school has, before making a decision. I would also want my son to know that we first try to work through a situation and not leave because it's difficult.

My granddaughter has had an IEP, Individual Education Plan, since grade school. One of her class periods starting in high school was with a special ed teacher. She also hsd that help in grade and middle school. Her IEP was for the combination of ADHD and difficulty writing. Writing includes understanding what she reads and being able to transfer that information to paper.

She also often saw a school counselor once teachers saw her struggling. All students were encouraged to stay after school to get a teacher's help. Sometimes she worked in the library instead of the classroom because it was quieter.

Her mother worked with the counselor to find ways to help her daughter. Eventually, the counselor and her mother decided an alternative school might be better for her. She transferred at end of fall quarter. She is doing better in the alternative school for several reasons. Classes are smaller. The school itself is more flexible. The school trains for real life situations and help with social issues. She has taken metal working, a class in which she learns math, planning and executing a project.
My granddaughter is headed for college and staff help her with being eligible for that.

She didn't want to transfer. The first school (standard high school) planned ways for her to show that she could stay there. My granddaughter couldn't meet those requirements. What is important is that she was a part of the decision and given the opportunity to stay in the school she preferred.

It did take a quarter in the alternative school for her to adjust.

I don't know if any of my granddaughter's experiences would be helpful for your son. I do believe it's very important to use a thoughtful plan in making the decision to transfer him. His school counselor will help with the plan. My first step would be to make an appointment with his school counselor.

All of you feel anxious and want to resolve this right away. My experience has been to work with professionals in making a plan. Once I've started doing something, I'm less anxious. If you transfer him before you know the resources in his current school, you'll be starting over without reassurance anything will be different. More anxiety.

Remember that adapting to high school takes time. Be confident that your son can do this while finding out what resources are available. I suggest you ask your son to give this a try and that transferring now is not an option. Support him, in this school, as all of you make informed decisions. Tell him that you will help him succeed. Be confident that he will be OK; that feeling this way is OK and that he will learn how to feel better. Floundering will happen all his life. He can learn some helpful skills to feel back in control.

it's awfully early to say that he's drowning, isn't it? i'm not suggesting that you don't throw him a lifeline, but even a NT kid might well flounder this soon into a new experience.
on the other hand, i have a lot of respect for mama intuition (at least among mamas who haven't demonstrated utter stupidity) and if you feel this is a bust, don't discount your gut.
either way i'd definitely discuss it with him. not to throw it all on him or make him more confused, but because by high school kids should for sure be part of the decision-making process when it comes to important things in their lives. the ultimate decision can and still should be you and your husband's, but if you want him to be a critical thinker as an adult you have to get him critically thinking now.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

I think I would talk to the school. Maybe talk to the principal or guidance counselor or resource teacher. Set up a meeting to talk about how things are going, how he's feeling, why he's overwhelmed, etc.

It is really hard for a freshman in high school to have a clear picture. It's just a hormonal, emotional stage of life. That doesn't mean (for one second) that his thoughts and opinions don't matter! But he might really be struggling with being overwhelmed. If he's able to meet with a couple of people from the school and put everything on the table, he might be able to see a "plan" come together to help him that allows him to see that this really is doable.

I remember freaking out when I started grad school. I talked to my advisor, and she just helped me outline things and look at the work in pieces. I was barely keeping up with the reading, but she helped me look things over and realize that the hardest part of the semester was the beginning and that the work would ease up.

Also, remind him that changing schools, if that seems like the better option, does not mean that he failed in any way. It's so easy to think that way when you are in your teens (or even early 20's). I can remember many times when thinking that the option I had chosen was not a good one, meant that I failed. I always wanted to stick it out. Thing is, sometimes I was so much happier with whatever came next that I often looked back and thought, "Why was I trying so hard to make that work, when I was miserable the whole time?" I think it's a young person thing :-)

M.,

You really need to talk with your son and find out what HE wants. This is HIS life and HIS future.

Show him what each school has to offer and if possible, walk the campus' like you would college. Tell him what YOUR preference is for him. However, tell him that the choice is HIS because it's HIS school, not yours.

Go in and talk with the guidance counselors, teachers, etc. If you know people that go to each of the schools? Talk with them. Get informed! that's the best way to make the decision. INFORMATION!!

Good luck!

You didn't share your son's opinion, how is he feeling about "drowning" after the first week? You mentioned his current school supposedly has a support system. Have you even had time yet to give it a fair chance? Has your son met with a school counselor or support person? I know one of my kids will have accommodations starting high school this year, but I was told they won't start until a week or 2 into the school year. I'm a little frustrated and nervous about that, but I'm willing to keep an open mind. Is it possible he's started classes at the wrong level for his ability? I think if he is motivated to at least get some help and give it a try, I would wait until after the 1st quarter before deciding on changing schools. If he's miserable and you have other options, I would go ahead with the transfer.

I think he is old enough to decide with some guidance. That being said, he's only into it a week. Do you think more time would help? Always a tough decision but I am sure with your help he will make the right one.

Talk to him. Take him to the other schools to tour and then visit with the staff a bit. Then sit down as a family and decide.

One thing. Mainstream, there are LOTS of kids with disabilities that are mainstreamed. With assistance, without aides that help them do many things, and an IEP in place that forces the school to supply those needs.

It's up to you to advocate for him and make sure they are meeting their obligation. The whole point of IEP's and 504 plans are that they help the student be successful. It's THEIR job to fulfill that contract and make sure they have every single option taken care of.

what does your son think? is he overwhelmed to the point of wanting to switch to see if its better? or has he made good new friends that he wants to stick it out? he may have learning disabilities, but that does not mean his opinion does not count. i would ask what he thinks.