Nursing a 21 Month Old - Please Help!

I nursed both of my boys well beyond two. By that time, they were only nursing once or twice a day. If you let them wean on their own terms, then life is easy and you'll be able to continue to meet her emotional needs. There is a wonderful book entitled "Mothering your Nursing Toddler" and that really helped me understand how natural and important nursing your toddler can be.

That all said, you do have a right to assert some of your needs into this process. Your daughter is reaching the point (and may already be there since breastfed babies IQs are typically higher :) where you can negotiate considering both your needs. This is also a very important step in your daughter's development and developing this skill now will go a long way in parenting your daughter later (especially during the teen years).

When my sons reached that age, they were aware that we no longer nursed in public, but that we could nurse at home before naps or when they were in a crisis situation (injuries, just a bad day, etc.). In my experience we mothers have no better tool than nursing to comfort our children in these situations. I personally believe it's important at this stage because they cannot verbally communicate any of their emotional needs. Also, almost 16 years after starting this process with my boys (which lasted almost 6 years!), this is the one decision as a parent that I have zero doubt was absolutely right.

Also, around two both my boys seemed to not need the nursing at bedtime since we started reading at bedtime. We had been reading since they were about 9 months, but usually before nursing. However, it reached the point where my younger son was not nursing to sleep, so we just started reading at bedtime. After that point, he would just nurse first thing in the morning. As, we had also reached the point where nursing wasn't needed at naptime.

Since you are trying to cut her off, her being more obstinate means that she has a very strong need for the nursing relationship to continue - this is the most intimate relationship you'll ever have with your daughter and continuing nursing sends the message that you are there to meet all her needs.

I do understand your situation since you are a single mother per your profile, so you don't get many breaks. What might help you deal with this better is to ensure you have some "me" time - don't feel guilty about this and get friends to take care of her on occasion. Or, leave her with her regular childcare provider and take some time off work (if you do work).

My boys are now teens and they are very independent yet they know I'm always there for them. My younger son nursed longer and he is just much more of a cuddly child and he needs lots of hugging and physical contact. Some folks are just like that. Based on my experiences of not being nursed and coming from a large family and growing up very insecure and constantly wanting more attention from my parents, I can see a huge difference in the self esteem that both my boys have. I also personally believe it helps them have a much more natural understanding of women and a respect for breasts as something for nurturing rather than sex objects...I obviously could go on and on about this topic, but I just wanted to share that I have seen long term the positive effects of allowing a child to wean at their own pace. Biologically and based on anthropological research by a Phd at Texas A&M, the natural weaning timeframe for humans is actually 4-5 years!

And, finally, I learned when my boys were 7 and 10 that they had celiac disease and were allergic to dairy. In hindsight, I believe this gave them an additional reason for extended nursing. They were not getting all their nutrients from food (due to the gut damage) thus the breastmilk, being the perfect food and most digestible, likely was still meeting nutritional needs beyond 1 year. In addition, since they likely didn't feel physically well (again something toddlers can't communicate and even so, to my boys, how they felt was normal, although they had frequent tummy aches).

Finally, I just want to applaud you for nursing so long and considering your daughter's needs. You are both far healthier for the experience (the longer you BF, the lower your risk for breast cancer). That all said, you do have to listen to your own instincts as to what's best for you and your daughter. But, just beware that you are not at all alone in nursing your toddler. You might want to contact a local La Leche League support group - www.llli.org - those ladies were wonderful role models for me in terms of extended nursing and learning how to set appropriate limits and still meet your child's needs.

One addition after seeing other responses - children this age are not really capable of making a conscious decision to manipulate or blackmail their parents. If this seems to be the case, they are just using the only tools that they have to get their needs met. What they perceive as needs might not be so obvious at first, but if you sit back as a parent and try to consider the basic needs of a child that age - food and comfort/emotional attachment from their parents, along with the ability to start exploring their world, you can often figure it out.

IMHO, the only times we should be using our "executive" authority is in keeping them safe and setting limits in terms of how they interact with the world (i.e., eating cat food, pulling the cat's tail, writing on walls, etc.). Trying to restrict childrens access to food or comfort/emotional attachment just doesn't make sense (ever in my opinion). The parent-child relationship is the most important one you'll ever have and not considering the child's needs in these sorts of interactions is a recipe for disaster. This is just so very different than debating about curfews, whether it's appropriate to pull the cat's tail, whether a particular video game or movie is appropriate, whether it's okay to climb up the banister, etc. - all those cases are where it's entirely appropriate to assert your authority as a parent. And, in my experience, this is one of the toughest thing to learn as a parent - it really is the difference between a "need" versus a "want" and as parents (and as a society as a whole), there is a huge price to be paid in later years of not meeting our children's basic needs in the early years.

First off it's nice to see other moms nursing their toddlers. You sound like a very loving and nurturing mom who cares about her daughters needs. I understand why it's hard to wean when your child LOVES it so much. I have been slowly helping my son wean before my next baby comes. I do know when I say NO or make it a big deal he wants it much more! I think it's out of fear that I am rejecting him or that he wont have what makes him feel safe and loved. So I feel for you. My thoughts are, just that you let her continue as much as you are ok with... ie night time, bedtime, only a few times a day. Then when that going good slowly stop those times. Follow your motherly instinct and do what your heart feels is right. Blessings to you and your daughter.

I nursed all five of my children until they were two and some beyond. By that time they were only nursing for comfort or before bed time. With all of them, I just told them that they were big girls/boys now. They resisted and asked for two to three days and then they were fine. It was very sad and I did feel guilty, but you have to stop at some point. During those times of refusing to eat, you could just lay out some snack type food on the table, tell her it is there and just let it stay there. She will go and get it if she gets hungry enough. You cannot give in. It is the same with discipline - they will push as far as they know they "can".

you say you've cut her off cold turkey, but you haven't if you're still nursing her... this is one of the many things in life that you have to make a decision and stick to it if you want to stop. she's not going to starve herself to death, she just clearly knows how to play you.

I nursed my oldest until he was 4. I've nursed my youngest through 2 and a half. I say two and a half because that's how old he is now - and he's still nursing.

If you're weaning for you - rest assured, she will not starve. Even if she refuses to eat for a couple of days - she will not starve.

Cabbage leaves and a tight bra will help dry up your supply.

S.

This is no longer just nurturing/feeding your child. She is having a battle of wills w/ you & she is winning.

It's called tough love!
Sit her down & explain to her that she is a big girl & big girls have to eat & drink from the table, etc. Tell her no more from mommy but you will be glad to sit & hold& cuddle w/ her all she wants.

She will make a fuss but stick to your guns! When she gets hungry/thirsty enough she will eat/drink. She will not starve! Just have plenty of different things to tempt her & keep telling her no more breast milk. You can pump & put it in a sippy so it still tastes the same too.

You can also try mothers day out or put her in a day care for a week or so or if finances are a problem, just have someone take her about the time to eat to their house (play dates)so she has to eat there & won't be hungry when she comes home.
Can Grandparents or other relatives/friends take her for long weekend? That would help.

I hope this helps!
I have seen this many times work!
She has now made it a battle of wills.
You have to be strong now because if you cave now think what will happen when she is a teenager!
WOW! Now there is a scary thought!

Stand your ground now & be Strong mama! YOU can do it!!!

She might not eat for 24-48 hrs even but then she will, if you keep offering her alternatives. No child has ever starved themselves if food/nutrition is being offered. With that said, I know that it will be a hard 24-48 hrs for you. But after it is done with, you will breathe such a sigh of relief! You have done good nursing her THAT long but now it is time to wean and you can feel good knowing that she has had the best of the best for that long. It's okay, you can do it!!! xoxo

Try sending her to grandma's for the weekend. A long 3 day weekend. She WILL eventually eat if you go cold turkey. You just have to be more stubborn than her. If it were me, I also would not let her throw fits and tantrums either. I would swat her little but and prove to her that her behaviour does not get what she wants. You can also try logging onto www.nogreaterjoy.com
This has gone past a nursing problem to a discipline problem and a power struggle. And the little angel is winning. I would go cold turkey and discipline accodingly. You are inadvertently teaching her that her tactics are working because you give in to her tantrums, tirades and guilt trips over not eating. She will eventually cave, if you can be strong. After she has weaned, she will also transfer the tantrums to other things that she wants if you let them continue. Again, a power struggle and you are teaching her that her tantrums work and she gets what she wants by throwing them. Again, discipline to mommy is what you need. And probably a paddle, rod of correction etc. At my house a light whack with a wooden spoon is all it takes. And it usually doesn't take more than a few times until they understand that I mean business. I am not saying, don't comfort her or to be sensitive to her needs, but eventually she will black mail you with your sensitivity until you have been so sensitive that you have created a monster. Not taught her how to cope, or channeled her insecurity or anger into acceptable outlets. So, be sensitive but unmoving at the same time. Education starts early. You are setting guidelines for behaviour and discipline now. Her job is to figure it out and learn to control herself and you job is to teach her......not give in by being so sensitive and letting her run all over you.
So, be strong.
Good luck,
L.

I nursed all three of mine as well. My daughter I weaned purposely when she was a year because she never really reduced on her own but I didn't have any problems with it. With mine, the solids were introduced at the normal four months and she was also using sippy cups. She was still nursing several times a day when we quit but I don't remember her really reacting to it much.

My older son also nursed until around a year but the weaning was just natural. I think we were probably down to the night-time feeding and just stopped, twelve years ago so I have slept since then and the memory is a little fuzzy.

With my youngest, he nursed until he was around two, same thing, between eating, sippy cups, and his activity level not wanting to stop and nurse, it just happened naturally.

If she is fighting it, you might try spacing them out slowly, if she asks, tell her that you are busy right now and if she is really thirsty she can have a drink from the sippy cup and you will be able to stop for nursing in a little bit. You can probably start eliminating some of the feeding that way without getting into a power struggle with her. Talking a lot about the benefits of being a big girl can also help get her brain around using cups and eating food instead of nursing.

If nothing else works and this is really driving you crazy, then you make the executive decision and you stop. She will eat when she is hungry, she is using food to blackmail you into continuing nursing. Allowing her that is not a positive thing because you are a person with wants and needs as well. Part of growing and maturing is learning that you aren't the center of the universe, which is a good thing.

Think of it this way, you are obviously unhappy about this, so by letting her be the boss of this situation you are diminishing your ability to be a happy contented parent. Funny thing, with all three of my kids is that when they stopped nursing, they never came back like they missed it so I think once you get her to stop, she may have a few bad difficult days but she will figure out she would rather spend her time playing, etc.

Wow, you are amazing! I cannot believe you have been able to nurse for so long. I was only able to do for 6 months with my first. I would do it like anything - cut her off cold turkey or drop a feeding a day. She will most likely fuss; however, will get over it in about a week. She will not starve b/c she is getting all of her nutrition right now from food. I would consider the breast milk as a dessert right now :) You may want to talk to the pediatrician as well to offer you a little comfort; however, I do know that they really do not need the breast milk at this age because they are eating regular food.

Tough Love Mom! You must stick to your guns!
Start combining feedings over time, until you lessen the number of times little by little. Eventually your milk supply will dry up. And if your kid throws a tantrum, don't feed her till she is scheduled. And don't let her nurse for more than 5 minutes on each breast. If you know there is nothing in there, she is just soothing herself. I know it is painful to hear her cry, and she won't starve. This is a battle of wills.

Have you ever heard of Cherokee indians training their babies? When they cried they got put out on the tall willows, till they stopped. Then mom goes back and picks them up. They start again, they get put up again. This taught them to be quiet especially in times of danger.

It will be tough, but you can do it.

Hope this helps.

Kat

I totally understand...i know for me i ended up having to have a surgical procedure. Mom came in to take care of me and my daughter was weaned by the time my mom was gone. I will say that my mom and husband did it. Even now at 3 1/2 she has to have her hands on or under or near my breasts for comfort to help her fall asleep. Pray for me. I am having another surgical procedure and my mom can't come in to help my husband and I because she has Leukemia or had it, it is in remission but she still has to be careful for her immune system is low...i will have 2 medium incisions and 1 small one. I am afraid my little one will have a fit if she can not hold mommy..but if she were to hit my tummy i would die. Ok sooo oooopsss sorry M.. I go off on tangents...I was also very worried about how mine would act but she seemed to not miss it after she tried other drinks. So I wish you all the Luck and I am praying for you. If you are doing this because you just cant do it anymore then you need to stop for you but if this is because of others and their opinions, I would do what is best for you and your daughter. I have a friend that had her son die at 10 and she has a 3 1/2 yr old and the little girl wants to nurse and so she is still nursing...sooo just do what you want to do and know that someone is praying for you. :-) Sorry i talk or type...toooooo much.

The way I've weaned my two is to replace one nursing at a time with something else, usually a sippy cup of milk. When possible I am absent for the nursing I am replacing for the first time (or more if needed) so that my husband can take care of it. That way, I'm NOT an option because I'm not there. When I do it on my own, I give them a sippy cup with milk and snuggle them, so they still get the mommy time, but without the nursing. I've just finished weaning my second child that way, and it's worked for me.

I think the first and last nursing times to be given up are the hardest. At a year my daughter was nursing 4 times a day (breakfast, lunch, dinner and right before bed) and we cut out the dinner one first. She would nurse a little while after dinner, and I had my husband take her after dinner and I left to go and exercise or go do something with some of my friends (I have some friends that get together on a regular basis for a book club and for learning different cooking techniques) while she stayed with my husband for the 2 or so hours before bath
time and getting ready for bed. And I'd take her in time for the bedtime feeding. After a few days it wasn't so bad and I'd just take that time to snuggle her with her sippy cup of milk. (She also nursed after meals, not before)

We did something similar for the bedtime nursing (the last one to go). I cut it the first time on a night I wouldn't be there for when she went to bed. My husband gave her a bottle of milk (Drives me crazy, but that's what he chose) and put her to bed, and last night I gave her a sippy cup then snuggled her to sleep. She wasn't completely happy about it, but it wasn't too bad.

Good luck.

Good afternoon M.,

I too am a nursing mother who has a 19 month old along with being five months pregnant. I've spoke with my pediatrician as well as my obgyn regarding the nursing and being pregnant. I was told by both that I need to stop now to avoid having to nurse two at one time... No way do I want to do that. So for the past month I've been taking alittle of both of their advise. I've worked him down to just two feedings a day morning and night. Now to eliminate those feedings first thing when my son wakes up he is use to nursing so as soon as he's up we immediately start our day. Somedays we go done stairs and start breakfast right away or go to the donut store for some donut holes which he loves and it completely takes his mind off missing the first nursing. Then at night, after he's had dinner, alittle playtime, a bath and usually gets nursed before bed, I've been giving him a small bottle of warm milk. I've tried the milk in the sippy cup and he won't take, so the bottle seems to do the trick. The pediatrician said it would only take two days, but it took almost a week and by the end of the week, he was not asking for boob or lifting up my shirt or grabbing for them.

Since she's almost two, she is definitely using you as a source of food and comfort. It's like taking a pacifier away or bottle weaning a two year old. It's hard work!

If you want to stop nursing, then do it gradually like taking the paci or bottle. When I stopped nursing, I replaced breast with bottle one feeding at a time, but mine were right at a year old, so I believe it was easier.

Also, she needs a replacement for comfort. Instead of breast, maybe you can get her a new blanket or lovie.

This is a tough one, GL!

There is a great book called "How Weaning Happens" that address different strategies that have been successful but still gentle on the child. Your local La Leche League group may have it available for borrowing. www.llli.org

Some that I've known to be successful (it can be trial and error depending on temperament and age):
1. Don't offer, don't refuse.
2. Setting limits (no nursing in public, nurse only at naptime and bedtime, etc.)
3. Replace with offer to read book, have a snuggle, go to park
4. "Yes, you can nurse later" and sometimes later is forgotten when they get busy.
5. Limiting time of nursing

Just know that you are not alone in nursing a toddler and it's not hurting her at all. If you want to wean partially or completely, that's ok too, but a sudden weaning at any age (maybe particularly when they're past one) can be emotionally hard on a little one and hard on your body. Gradual is often better for mom's physical health and your child's emotional health.

Good luck! A La Leche League leader could help you with additional information as well.