Not Feeling Appreciated

My only advice is to treat him exactly as you want him to treat you. Even if he doesn't deserve it. Lead by example.
I went through the same situation and have tried what everyone here has done. I used to pray "Lord, change my husband". I wanted a little help from him just to show some appreciation. But then I read this marriage book and it said that I was the one who had to change. I tried it. I stopped nagging, and did everything myself without a complaint. I complimented him so that he'd feel I appreciated him working all day so I can be home with our kids. It took a some time but eventually he started to soften up. He was nicer to me and at last he started helping me out with the kids after he relaxed for an hour or so from work. Without me asking, he helped me feed the kids during dinner and eventually he started to take over most of the bedtime routine. Then he took over breakfast on his days off and has even helped me cook dinner when I'm running late. Best of all, I can sincerely say that it has been a really long time since he's thrown the "What did you do all day" type of comments.
This is only thing that worked for me. Men don't like to be talked down to, nagged, or treated like children; just as women don't like that kind of treatment. Its going to be a lot of hard work and it is really difficult for me to stay quiet and not complain but this worked for me. To vent, I take AT LEAST one day a week to just spend with the kids doing fun stuff and just basic chores, no major cooking or cleaning. Just a day at the beach, pool, or a friends house for a playdate. Spending time with friends (even with the kids around) helps me take on so much more without be stressed. Just like you, I am constantly praising God that I am able to raise my kids the way I want and not a sitter's way.

I was once in your shoes (and f.y.i. would KILL to be there again). In an effort to make my husband appriciate me I decided to go on a vacation. Just me. Just for the weekend. He was in charge of the kids for 2 nights straight without my help. In addition, i made sure there was no laundry (otherwise he wouldn't get the full effect) and made sure he would need to go grocery shopping (which we all know can be quite a chore at times). After 3 days without the mom, he was about ready to runaway. lol. So, it worked. He got a taste of what i endured day in and day out, and we didn't have a problem again. He did start joking about me doing his job (Land Surveying). I would just respond, sure... but that means you get the kids. :)

Good luck to you.

K.:
Our situations sound similiar. You and I are the same age, once had our careers, now have small ones we stay home with & husbands who wonder what it is that we do all day.
I think you're right that he says those things to get under your skin. We had the same difficulties and it still creeps up when I feel stuck at home & he feels stuck at work. My husband reminds me of the constant pressure he's under to keep our family fed. I remind him how hard it is to keep the home and the 3 preschoolers going. I feel like a single parent a lot of the time and feel as if he's emotionally detatched and a workaholic. It's a constant battle of the "poor me's" around here. Usually I can see it coming and make myself take the high road. Hey, somebody has to if this family is going to stay afloat! I have a strong network of family and friends. Our children and I do whatever we want to do and like you, I know we're blessed to be able to raise them like we wanted to, with me at home. Just know that you are not alone and you are extremely important to all of your family! All of us should treasure each day because they don't stay babies forever. Hope I helped a little.
B.

I totally agree with alot of the other women and especially Sara. I work 32 hours a week, but when i stayed home, i didn't feel appreciated. Sometimes men think we are just born with the ability to do everything and probably because we CAN do everything. But it's hard work no matter what we do-work or stay home. Everything has a balance. It sounds like you really do need to get away for a few days so he gets a taste of just what it is you do to make your household run. It's not a bad thing for him to realize this, and for you to be able to have a few days to do whatever, well that's priceless.
I have to go away at times for my work for a few days at a time, and let me tell you-i feel guilty for a second but know how good it is for him to have that time with the kids as well.
Give this idea a try if you can. It really can't do any harm. And will do you alot of good.
good luck! :)

I bet he forgets it took two to make one, I understand what you are going through. I joke with my husband telling him he has a maid, cook, taxi driver, gardener, launderer, and nanny all in one, and he'd go broke if he actually paid me to do all of these things. I think that unfortunately (as most couples do in relationships) we are somewhat taken for granted. It's not that they don't appreciate us and our job, it's just that men are tunnel visioned. I think if you explain to him that there is some resentment lingering with the lack of appreciation and participation, he might get it. No we don't want them to do our job, but some help from time to time would be nice. And more, some pats on the back are even better. I love it when my husband says, you are doing a great job with Hannah (our daughter).

I make it a point to tell him how grateful I am when he helps me out, cooking or watching Hannah while I take a nap.

As far as the upper hand, look him in the eye and let him know that his comments are disrespectful. If he doesn't care about what he says to you, he should care about that kind of behavior in front of his children what they learn from that. Because it will come back on him twice over. I would even venture to guess his own outlook of himself isn't all that great.

Keep it level (your head) when you talk to him. You know yourself better than anyone in the world. You know where your weakness and strengths are. If he's smart he'll figure it out, I suspect you are really just wanting his conformation on a job well done, and he's missing the point. Good Luck Jen

Your complaints are completely valid. Its really important that your husband pitches in and also appreciates you, just like you appreciate him for working for the family income. I do not think that the stay at home part is the lesser of the two jobs, in fact, i feel it is the least selfish and the hardest part. No matter what, it is really important that a couple communicates and each feels valued and appreciated by the other. I dont suppose there is any chance of you dragging him to a couples counselor for a few sessions? It can do wonders, and in my experience, almost all of the men feel better and like it (with a good therapist) and you dont have to go for long. If this is left unchecked, you will have mounting resentments which will effect you and the kids in the long run. Good luck and good work taking such wonderful care of your precious little ones.

Hey K.,

I don't know if this helps but your not alone... I to am a SAHM to a 3 yr old and 16 month old twin boys, but I have my mother-in-law to help me if I need it. My hubby also throws that "well what do you do all day" thing when I ask him to help with anything. If it's a diaper change I get when was the last time he was changed or if its to keep an eye on them so I can go smoke a cig for 5 min I get attitude!!! We are at a stage that I don't have to work, but if I wanted to I have to be able to put at least my 3 yr old in daycare cause my mother in law also watches my neice and I can't leave her with all 4 kids alone (she will go INSANE I tell you) So I have to be able to make over what the daycare will cost weekly to be able to justify putting her in daycare. Why do guys think that b'cause we are home all day that we have it easy, even with the help I have daily it's still the hardest JOB in the WORLD and I don't think they get that. I say we leave the kids with the guys one day and have ourselves a night out and let's see how often the cell phone rings to see when are we coming home, maybe then they'll understand!! My only advice is don't let him get under your skin, he's being a jerk and he knows it and he'll probably appreicate you more if you tell him how your feeling, maybe tell him your thinking of opening your business again or that maybe your gonna host some playgroups at your house cause you want to. Let him know that YOU chose to stay home cause YOU want to raise your kids NOT a sitter and even though he has helped by making enough money so that you can stay home it was a choice that YOU made and if he's gonna play the hardass role and wants the upper hand tell him to hire maid to boss around, cause your his WIFE not his maid!!! I hope this helps somewhat and leet me know about this night out thing.

K.,

Reading your message felt like looking into a mirror for me. I worked all of my adult life and when we moved for my husband's job, I quit to stay home with our youngest son (we have three total). He fully supported and encourgaged me to do so. After we moved I think I heard the words (in a joking way of course) "I bring home the money and you don't". I was so tired of hearing "What did you do today?" and being asked to do all of the small and large tasks for him that he could do himself.

I finally had enough and started getting tough. I quit doing his laundry and of course having this much resentment I didn't want him to come near me for sex. That seemed to get his attention a little. Then we went to a marriage counselor. That really helped alot (we went to a woman doc). But it eventually got in the way of his work schedule and he decided to quit.

I am strong too and tell him everything that bothers me, sometimes he just doesn't seem to listen or take me seriously. I decided that I needed to take care of me and my kids first. If I don't feel like cooking, I just don't. If I don't feel like cleaning or doing laundry, I just don't (this one was hard because I really like for my house to look nice all of the time). I limited the amount of people my husband wanted to entertain, because he loves to do it all of the time (more work for me).

I decided to stop feeling guilty for the things I don't do or need his help with and decided that I'm worth having a partner. I didn't make these children alone. I married a partner, so I thought. It doesn't hurt him to bath our youngest or read him a story or lay down with him at night until he falls asleep. I do it, so can he!

Well, writing this to you helped me vent a little. I hope this wasn't too long. Any way, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Things are not perfect at my house, but I am working on getting what I want. After all, if I don't take care of me, I cannot be the best mom to my kids. Good luck.

A.

Sign up for Wipe Swap!! LOL! I would not do the same to him. In my marriage (divorced now) I would just walk on eggshells and hold all my frustration in and it was hard. but i didnt want to make things more difficult. I dont know what the right answer would be though. If he doesnt thnk you do enough, Write it down! Write down what you do as you do it. Every half hour. Then show him how busy you are. Hey, maybe you will even learn a short cut or improve your time management. Keep track for aweek and see how it gets things done!!

I feel the same way and my husband does the same thing! My friends say that it is better to go to work for at least there
they get to relax and they don't have to clip coupons. In addition, they hire sitters left and right and take care of
themselves ; they say that makes them a better parent! If I were
you I would calmly out of the blue tell him how hurt you feel by
his criticism. Don't use the word "you" but say "I feel
hurt......" ;in addition, try to stay cool and walk away to do
something as soon as you are finish. You get more flies with
honey than vinegar!

J.

K.-I am so sorry you are going through this----have you ever considered couple's therapy? It sounds like the two of you could benefit from sitting down and talking some things out with a neutral third party. It saved our marriage and I am happy to say we will be celebrating 21 years this Thursday! Sometimes being able to speak out how much it hurts when he treats you like that can help you cope and also help him realize how he sounds towards you. Good luck.

I really get perturbed at men who act as if they are doing the only "real" work because the woman is at home taking care of the kids. This is a mentality that unfortunately was pushed off on most men and women for a long time, but I believe it is very wrong.

He wants to complain that you’re not contributing, but what does he think he would pay for the same service if you weren't there? First off he has a 24/7 baby sitter. So let’s figure in the cost of a live in nanny who very selflessly never takes time off. He also has a housekeeper who provides all his home cleaning needs and again very selflessly never takes time off. Let’s not forget that he is putting down the one person providing these services with no time off. Does that sound right? Does it sound like he has a leg to stand on? I don't think so. There are plenty more benefits he receives from you as a stay at home mom, that he doesn't pay a dime for, yet would cost a bundle if he did pay. You are the one with the little ones, teaching them and guiding them each day throughout the day while he is making an income. You do the shopping for him (I assume). You also take care of the colds, the tummy aches, trying to figure out the many different cries coming from your little ones, while he sits at work making money for far less work. The list can go on and on.

Women provide more services then most men could ever dream of, yet they are the most underappreciated for those services, which are given freely and usually without any real break. Then they wonder why we are stressed out, why we ask for help, why we get angry when they can't pitch in to take a small bit of the load off our shoulders, why we are cranky, bitchy, tired, and worn down. As they see it you get to stay at home all day and have fun with the darling little angles, having fun and doing no work, but there image is completely false. You have every right to ask for help, to be stressed, tired, and any other of the myriad of feelings that come from being over worked, unappreciated and not paid. Taking care of house home and kids is not all fun and games, and it "contributes" a lot more then he will ever understand, and a lot more then his income ever will. Even if he paid for all those services from a professional, he still won't get all the benefits he has from a loving mother and wife, stay at home or not.

As to your business, I wonder how well he would have faired had he tried to care for two babies and do all the duties of his job at the same time. Not well, I assume. He certainly wouldn't be the big success he claims to be, had he provided all the care you provide while working on his paid job.

The advice I would give is pretty much what others have posted. Sit him down when he is off work and not busy playing or watching TV. I do a lot of my talking before we go to sleep at night, because there are fewer distractions, and the kids are not around. Explain to him that taking care of the kids is a lot more work then he realizes, and that you are stressed out, and tired and could really use a little loving support and help. Remind him that these are his kids too, and this is his home too, that you appreciate his work and contribution, but that doesn't release him from the responsibility he should share in caring for the kids and the household. List out for him all the many jobs that you have to do everyday, all day without any pay, without any break, and with a husband that puts you down about lack of contribution, when in reality you are contributing much more then he gives you credit for. Tell him this is an all day everyday job that never goes away, and is very stressful especially when it isn't appreciated and he never gives any help. Add in anything else that you feel is valid and should be included in the discussion, and let him talk too, just not in a condescending manner.

Back several months ago I had to have a similar discussion with my husband just because I was at the end of my rope. My husband is helpful though, and he appreciates what I contribute as a mother. My problem at the time was that I was taking a full load of very time-consuming classes, taking care of the kids, and trying to take care of the home. I needed help because it was just too much for me to handle and my husband wasn't doing near enough to help. I explained how stressed I was, how much time my classes were taking from everything else, that dealing with everything with the kids while I'm working on school work was making the school work take far longer than it had too, and that I couldn't keep going like that without some help. I told him that he would at least need to take care of the kids while I'm working on schoolwork. We managed some compromises, from that talk, I was able to put more effort into my quickly falling apart home, I was better able to care for my kids without snapping at their every mess or tantrum, and I was able to keep my sanity. And keep in mind, that staying home with the kids all day as you are is very stressful all in itself. You need time away from the kids, time for yourself, time for others, time to socialize with adults, and time away just to keep your sanity. Let him stay with them all weekend sometime with no real break and see how he likes it.

Getting some kind of family counseling, or marriage counseling is probably a good idea too. Or maybe some sort of weekly parenting group where both of you can get other input from other parents in a less intimidating manner then might occur from a counselor.

OK I'll shut my trap now. Sorry I went on so long, this is just an issue that is very important to me, and I had a lot to say.

Good luck, and bless you and your family. I hope everything works out and Hubby learns to appreciate the wonderful gift he has been given from you and your family.

Yes he does exactly that!! Because you are strong and he knows it. I GET THE SAME THING FROM my husband.I stay at home too and he tells me...."thats YOUR job" when I ask for help from him as the other parent. I am not a single Mom here.....yet! We ought to be friends!Get a side job or time with friends...let him KNOW you have a life (outside) of Mommy role. I love to be a mommy too, but we need to keep our men in check still....Mercy

I think every SAHM goes through this at one stage or another. I think that you and DH may need to have a conversation about what is important to you. Maybe he doesn't place the same value on you staying home with the children as you do. (If he constantly is questioning you and devaluing what you are doing, maybe he would value you working more.) This is something you both must agree on! If he does value you staying at home, then he must support that decision that you both make on a daily basis! As another mom pointed out, questioning you is disrespectful.
I know when I was still at home, I felt devalued -- not necessarily by what my husband said. Sometimes it felt more like a father child relationship with my husband... it was hard. For me, going back to work helped us out a lot. When I returned to work (DD was 13 months old), a cleaning person biweekly was part of our deal. Morning routines became my DH's job (I have to be at work early), I still do laundry, dinners, shopping, etc... but we take more of a partnership in raising our child. (This was important to me -- we are older: 37 and 42 and we were used to being "partners.") I think being able to stay at home and raise your child is a very important decision. I also think that for us (we could afford to leave VERY comfortably on just DH's salary), me returning to work has created a true partnership where our child sees both of us contributing to all aspects of our household.
We are now expecting #2 and will have to reevalute me being a SAHM for another time period.
In the end, you have to work out the best compromise for you, DH and your family. There are so many pressures all around, but you need to do what is best for you (plural).
Good luck,
T. B.
SAHM for the summer (I'm a teacher) to Katie, almost 19 months.

I know exactly how you feel. It doesn't matter who you are or what you do you should be appreciated by your spouse.I could talk to you about this for hours. I am 22, married, and have a 23 month old son. When I first had our son I did it all because my husband was gone with the military and when he came back he didn't do anything. I know things can be rough trying to join a family but you have to. He has to realize that you need a break too. He has to help you didn't have these babies by yourself and he is the father. You work 24-7 not 9-5. So when he gets home he should help, no excure. All I can say is that you should talk to him and tell him everything that you feel because it may just be mis communication or if that doesn't work marriage conseling. Me and my husband did it and it didn't really help while we were there but when we got home there was a change. I should give you my number and I can help if you need me to. I know what you are going through and you need time to get away. My name is L. and email is ____@____.com if you want to talk. Good Luck!!!!

Hi K.,
Gosh, I just had to respond to you. It must really hurt to have your husband not see how being a parent is the most important and hardest job on earth.

I think you are doing a great service to yourself and your family for choosing to stay at home to raise your children. It is truly unfortunate your husband doesn't understand how you feel or how he makes you feel with his insulting remarks.

To be honest with you, I choose not to stay at home fulltime, but have the fortune of having a job that allows me to work part-time, just 2 days a week. I feel that I found the right balance in life between wanting to have a career and being the primary caregiver in my home.

I have always felt that the woman carries the most responsibility and the heaviest weight of raising children, and it doesn't matter if you stay at home fulltime, work fulltime or parttime. At the end of the day, all parents have the wrestle with similiar problems, issues, and stresses in every day life.

I think it is so important that as parents we should always try to support one another, I don't always feel my husband shares equally the responsibilities of home and raising our kids. I have many days I just want to ripp his head off and I have given him a piece of my mind many times and vice versa. This is when I pick up the phone or make a date to have a girls day out (LOL)!

My only suggestion to you is, keep your chin up and clearly tell your husband how hurtful his words are and how his negative emotions make you feel. Don't let any man make you feel unworthy-you are working as hard as he is, being a fulltime mother is the hardest job on earth and the most thankless job. I thank you for being so strong and loving what you do, I had a girlfriend who stayed home fulltime for 7 years with her two children and she didn't appreciate that job at all. I felt really sorry for her family, because I could see how her kids suffered from her lack of appreciation.

Stay strong and appreciate yourself. Sincerely, R.

My situation is somewhat similar to yours except my husband has no other choice but to watch the boys when I'am in class. I have to clean, cook and do everything for my boys. Every now and again he will clean the house here and there. Anyway, my advice to you is to get a nanny if you can afford it. That way you have a couple of hours to yourself and when your husband gets home you'll have enough energy to take care of your babies. Also wake them up early so they will want to sleep early and you can make time for your husband and yourself.

We are all so lucky!!! H E L L O ladies do you all realize how fabulous we are? Could you imagine being a man? I could and I would be mean to my wife if I was a man because I would be jealous! I am a stay at home mom and I have managed to get a degree, stay with my kids at home, and go shopping! I get to be in the mall when the men are working and guess whos there too??? A lot of other stay at home moms too !!! I wake up in the morning yawn, stretch my muscles and land kisses all over my kids cheeks and ask them where we should go and what should we do=). Sometimes my kids ask to go to the park or simply play outside. We go to the kitchen and make pancakes together , watch "our" favorite cartoons and watch each other grow.

And then after the day unfolds it happens...

The dishes are looking at me, the floor is pinching me and all the socks are dirty! The stress begins, my husband receives a call and I become a vacum=)

But you know what we have to make sure our kids see us happy. Our kids feel how we do. Don't be hard on yourself and if your husband doesn't want to help then god will give YOU the extra credit=) In the end (minutes,days, years) the little ones will always say " I want my mommy"

Hey K.,

My sister was in the exact position you're in a few years ago. There are really no easy answers.....You are going to have to decide if you are going to pursue your own happiness or not. Unfortunately, probably the only way for him to respect you is for you to be financially independent. It would also really help you to respect yourself.

Even though you already tried one home-based biz, and it failed; don't give up. There are others out there. I work part-me as a pharmacist and work a home biz too. I'm a single, happy, mother of two.

If you'd like some info on the home-based biz I do, I'd be happy to give you some info. You have to find one that is geared toward you and your needs.

If you'd like to talk, send me your contact info.....

Sincerely,
L. W.Rowe,Rph.
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