My husband and I have been together for almost three years, and will be having our first marriage anniversary this November. To give background... We dated for a year, got engagged on our year anniversary, and then three months before the wedding found out I was pregnant. It was a surpise since I was on birth control.
I started birth control when I was about 17, and had gotten it from a friend who was perscribed it, but couldn't take it because she had other health issues. Anyway, when I turned 18, I went to my own doctor, and he gave them to me because I had cyst on my ovaries, and explained to me that it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant. I have been sexuall active since I was 15 years old, and didn't get pregnant with or without the birth control. When we found out I was pregnant, my doctor and I sat down to figure out when I got pregnant. It was complicated because every year and a half or so, I had to change my dosage of my birth control because my period would start acting strange. Well, before I had found out, my doctor had switched me to the patch because I had complained that my period was beginning to act up again *wasn't as long as it usually is, different shades of brown instead of the normal red color, etc.* Well, from that, we had at first thought that me switching had caused me to become pregnant. After that wierd period, I didn't take my new pack of pills... I called my doctor. So, for two days, I didn't have any birth control... but I also didn't have any sex that entire week. After those two days, however, I did get my perscription for the patch and began to wear it. Well, for a little while, that's what we assumed, and my husband was upset at me because I had not taken the new pack of birth control, and believed that it was caused by my poor judgement. But, after the first ultrasound, the doctor and I sat down again and he said that my due date was wrong. So, we went back and counted, and remembered back in my files that I had gotten a bad case of pink eye the month before I had switched birth controls, and was put on antibiotics. I remembered because I came up allergic to them, and only took them for two days. The next time I had sex, was that weekend... and when the doctor counted it out, it made more sense. Well, I told my husband, and explained to him that it was the antibiotics that had nulled my pills, but he didn't believe me. We continued to agree on disagreeing, and got married and had our son.
Well, our son is five months now, and it took us a while to have sex again. We have only had sex twice since, and I am back on birth control pills. I am in the process of going to the doctor to put an IUD in. Recently, I became ill with a sinus infection, and a stomach virus. I was going to sleep immediately after caring for our son, and forgetting to take my pills. I missed three days of the last week, and all the sugar pills. My husband noticed and completely went balistic. He was angry that I didn't tell him and that I had missed more than a week *he doesn't understand the last week of pills are nothing but sugar*. I had told him that I was sick and I had forgotten, and that we havent had sex since the week prior *when I was taking them regularly*, and that we dont have sex very often. He confessed that he doesn't want to have sex anymore because he doesn't want to get me pregnant. I gave him a day or two to cool down, thinking that he had said that out of anger, but he is still persisting that he is serious. He has made it clear to me that we will not have anymore intercourse until one of us gets the proper operation because he doesn't want anymore kids, and he doesn't trust birth control.
This bothers me because I place sex very high in a marriage. It's not everything, but it's something very important. Plus, it quickly leads me to the thought that if he's not getting it at home, then is he getting any at all?? And from whom, if it's not with me? Sometimes I think it's a serious cop out excuse because he doesn't find me attractive anymore... sometimes I think it's just an excuse for something else. I dont know what else to think, or what to do other than go to the doctor and get another method of birth control. I dont want to cease all chances of us having more kids because we are still young and I do want one more in the future... just not right now. I have a feeling that later down the line, he might want one too. Either way, I dont want to make that permament of a change yet, but I dont want to be a married woman who can't have sex! What's the point! I might as well be single.
I had talked to him about it a couple nights ago, and we got into another argument about it. But, from this, he did tell me that he doesn't want to have sex with me for more than just to not get me prego. He said that he feels like I do nothing but mope around house, I am always depressed, and he is finding himself disgusted with the stretched skin around my stomach from the pregnancy. I have been going to the gym about two to four times a week doing weight training with a trainer, and trying to go to a latin impact class for cardio twice a week *because they only have two classes within the time limits of the daycare there*. Some weeks I dont do as much because I get too tired and I haven't been feeling well lately because of allergies and stomach upsetness. But, I am trying. I am also trying to monitor what I eat, but it is difficult with staying at home all day, and if I go out, I am inclined to get some fastfood because I am hungry. I had asked him if it was just the physical aspects of it that were bothering him or if there were some emotional issues, and he said no. He said that the plastic surgery to get rid of the access skin was just a suggestion that he made, and he wasn't trying to pressure me into anything. As for the anti-pregnancy thing, during the argument, he stated that he didn't really want kids in the first place, and that he really didn't want anymore. After he disappeared for an entire night to think for himself, he came back the next morning and said that right now, he doesn't want one, and that we will take it one step at a time. If later on, we decide to, then that's fine... but that is later, and right now the answer is no. I had explained to him that I dont want one right now, that's why I was going to get the IUD, but I am not going to say no completely at this point in our marriage or life. So, we agreed on that.
We still haven't had any sex... make up or not... but I am okay with that now that I know the reason. I am not happy with the reason, but there is nothing immediate that I can do about that right now. All I can do is continue to go to the gym, try to eat as best as I can, try to be as active as I can, and focus on other things than not fitting into my clothes or looking the way that I want to. It is difficult, but I am trying really hard.
Thank you all for your advice, thoughts, opinions, and support.
S.,
Just looking through e-mails and I saw this, and I feel like we are the same person. I am going through the eaxct same thing...My husband does not want to have sex and does not want anymore children but I do!!! Are they the same person:)Trust me it's going to be a long hard road but we are going to get through it. If you want to talk just let me know.
M. ____@____.com
You just had a baby!! What does he expect you to look like?! I'm so sorry to say this, and I do not mean any disrespect to you at all, but he is being selfish and shallow! Mothers are beautiful! They can bring life into this world, which is something that no man can do! You deserve more respect, especially from your husband and the father of your child.
As far as him not wanting kids, it takes two to tango baby! He also had a responsibility to use proper birth control if he was so set about not having kids. It's called a condom and with proper use, it is just as effective as birth control pills!
I wish you the best of luck with this situation, but remember that your child comes first and you second. You are a beautiful woman and don't you let any man tell you otherwise!
Hello! First I'd like 2 say I'm so sorry for frustration and lonelyness that you are going through. I have been through almost the samething. Unfortuately, it does seem like ur husband is using that as an excuse to sex with someone else, but then again it may not be. This is something only a woman knows truly in her heart and if u have that feeling that something is going on and many times ur feelings r right. As far as him saying that one of u should get something done to ensure there want b another pregnancy, I didn't see anything in ur notes about him trying 2 see what he can do. besides u said he does not want anymore children and like u said u r young and do want another child, just not now. This is not good 4 u in the relationship and it should b discussed by the 2 of. I 2 wanted another child and this caused many problems in my relationship with my boyfriend, now husband. Before we got married I left him sereval times and evenually yes I became preganet and I had a son (1997). My boyfriend didn't care that I was preganet and still wanted me to come back. Again. I evenually did and got married in 2001. Don't let this happen with u do what u think is best for u. So that n the end u r HAPPY.
I wish u the best of luck and much HAPPYNESS!
Take Care
S.,
I realize you are in a tough situation and it is very frustrating. I agree that you should not have an operation when you may want more children later on, just because your husband says "that" is the reason you aren't having sex.
you need to try talking to him and sharing the hurt feelings you are having, and also letting him know how much you love him and you want a healthy marriage, and are very sexually attracted to him, and YES very much want an active sexual relationship with him.
he can wear condoms, if he is in fear. there may be something else underlying that he isn't saying, and maybe you can even suggest counseling.
fighting about it and being hurt by it isn't good for any of you, and the tension isn't good for your son or either of you.
this issue isn't going to go away on its own.
you can try writing to him, or even sharing some of the advice that you get from Mamasource that seems helpful.
try approaching him in a relaxed manor, casual when you both can talk and listen. not when in bed or when you are feeling rejected. go into the conversation positive and full of the things you love about him and your marriage. let him know how important he is to you. then let him know that you really want to resolve the birth control and lack of intimacy issues that are stressing your marriage. that you want to work with him and resolve the tension and work together towards a solution because you do very much want to be intimate with him.
and it is not just a sex issue, it is a trust issue. he states he doesn't trust you with the birth control. so he needs to actively take responsibility . your son may not have been planned. but you planned on getting married and one day starting a family, God just blessed you sooner.
if he wants you to take the pill, then maybe he needs to actively be part of that each day by giving it to you to take!
-there are things you both can do together to work on this.
there are solutions to the forgotten pills, the lapse of birth control if you are on antibiotics. condoms, because even with an IUD or other thing... he has to trust.
he really needs to let go of the past mistrust because it seems to still be there. this is his issue.
I wish you luck in resolving this bump in your marriage. and I will be praying for you S.. If you are a believer in God, you too may want to leave it at his feet. Give it to God. Trust him to help you. let that weight lift off of you.
May your marriage be blessed with peace, harmony , intimacy and love.
Hugs,
S.
You shouldn't let anyone talk to you like that. You had a child he should love you no matter what. I am sorry to say this but you should leave him and find someone that appreciates you for who you are. You don't need to change yourself for him. You should go to the gym because you want to not because he thinks you need to. Why do you want someone around who doesn't even want your child and who makes you feel aweful about who you are? When my husband and I married I was a size 3 then i went through a whole bunch of infertility treatments and the medicine caused me to gain weight as well as the stress of working 70 hrs a week. I am in a size 14 now but my husband still loves me just as much because he sees the inner me. He doesn't pressure me to lose weight and he knows how self-conscious I feel about the disgusting stretch marks i have but he doesn't even seem to notice them and he makes me feel better by saying it was all worth it for our beautiful daughter etc. I would hate to see you waste more years of your life with this guy just to end up having him leave down the road and he will. You know you want a child in the future and he doesn't right there is something that can't be resolved and that shows you guys shouldn't be together unless you are ready to give up on your dreams for him. You guys are just married and already dealing with such big issues and a 50% divorce rate against you. You need to start feeling better about yourself and show your child that you are worth something and should be treated like that. Hold your head up high and know you are a beautiful mom and brought this beautiful life into the world. Find someone who can appreach you and love you and your child. Your child deserves a father who want him/her and you deserve someone who loves you. I am sorry if this is hard to hear but by holding on you are just prosponing the inevitable. Leave this situation, get into shape for yourself, find someone who loves you and show him that you are a strong and beautiful women who knows what she is worth. If you don't do this for yourself then do it for your child. Children are so smart they know what is going on and you don't want him/her to learn from your husband's behavior. You need to pray and ask God to make you strong so you can get out of this bad situation.
It appears that you wrote all of this out of sincere frustration. There are other forms of contraceptives that can be used in conjunction with birth control such as spermicides or condoms. You both have to be responsible. I currently use an IUD as our form of birth control. The first one I had after our first child and it stayed in for five years. Well I began to have problems with it and they had to take it out. So we had to use alternative forms that I just mentioned to you. Then some time after the removal we were up in the air about having a second child and we did. Two months after that birth, I got a second IUD and have had it for two years without any problems.
I no longer need pills because I had my tubes tied after my second child. If I got off track with my pills we just switched to condoms to be safe. It sounds to me as if there are other problems here below the surface. It best to talk them out, but I know how difficult that can be. Men and women do not speak the same language, of that I'm sure. My husband and I try to commuincate, but it's almost like I say one thing and he hears another. Crazy. But true. Still this is something that will ahve to be worked out. It's really not fair to either of you.
Call me weird but I think the most important question for this situation is do you want more children? Because obviously he doesnt!
S....I can see why you would be so frustrated. It seems as though your relationship is a one way street. Unfortunately it takes two people to make a relationship work and it doesn't seem as though your hubby is participating. I would definitely recommend counseling (if he is willing)as well as taking him to talk with your doctor to understand the dynamics of BC. If he is so adamant about not having more children he should also go to get a vasectomy it is a relatively painless procedure that takes about 15 minutes. As for him cheating, I doubt it. I am sure that if he doesn't want to get you pregnant he wouldn't risk getting someone else pregnant either. Lastly, I would be most concerned for your baby if I were you. I would hate to see my child grow up with a man who is so willing to with hold his affection. In the end, I am sure everything will work out for you.
I am really sorry to hear that you are having such problems. The only advice I can offer to you is to say that this issue is your husbands alone and not yours. It really seems like he is having some personal issues with maybe not sex but the fact that he is now a father and wasnt prepared. I dont know what kind of relationship you two have but are there perhaps trust issues present? Could you also make an appt with your doctor and have him attend so you three can sit down and discuss what birth control may work for your lifestyle. This will also give your husband a chance to vent any confusion onto the doctor and maybe he/she may be able to make your husband feel more at ease. I know a lot of people may suggest counseling (but if your hubby is anything like mine, he doesnt believe that he should have to allow someone else to dictate what happens in his relationships) its still an option; however, I found it easier to purchase some self help books on how to communicate and once I was ready I tried it out, sometimes it works, sometimes not. Please dont let him pressure you into any surgeries and hopefully with time he will change his mind on the issue of a vasectomy. I hope it can be resolved, having a little one should should be such a joyous occasion as well as being an intimate couple. Good luck.
I too have had issues with birth control. Many have made me sick and actually that is how I ended up getting pregnant also but my fiance and I knew that there was always the possiblity of me getting pregnant so it didn't come as a surprise to us. He actually wanted me to stop taking the birth control because he saw how sick it made me.
I don't know if you've ever tried the Depo shot you get every 3 months, it's effective immediately and works for most women with the extra incentive that they hardly get their period through out the year. But of course for me had the opposite effect somehow. For the year I was on the depo I had my period about 3 weeks out of every month. The doctor kept telling me for some women it just takes time for our body to get used to the shot but I couldn't take it anymore. I also tried the patch and pretty much just got frustrated with it getting dirty and sometimes peeling off due to getting wet in the shower, even though it's not suspose to.
I agree with you that it is some what extreme that your husband is willing to not have any sex at all. That would worry me as well. I know he might not be that crazy about condoms but that's extra protection on top of whatever birth control you might be on. At this time that he is being this worried maybe you could be sexual in other ways other than intercourse to keep things going for awhile.
Another idea might be taking your husband to your next doctors appt. I don't know how comfortable he would be during the actual check up but after you could ask your doctor to explain to him all the options and the specifics about the different birth controls and what can affect the effectiveness. It seems like he doesn't trust your word as much but maybe he'll understand more if he hears it straight from the doctor. (I did this when I was pregnant and my fiance didn't understand exactly why I was going through certain things and it helped him to understand alot)
As for either one of you having a permanent operation to fix this situation is something that should be carefully thought about. Personally my mom had her tubes cut and burned (I believe the most they can do, instead of just tying the tubes)and she did this because my dad thought it was enough they had two children. Well it wasn't much time after that my mom started regreting this decision and I was too young to remember the specifics but my dad then felt really horrible for kind of forcing her to do the operation and personally was trying to find out if there was anyway to reverse it and either it was EXTREMELY expensive or the chance was minimal.
It sounds like your husband is jumping to quickly to assumptions and making rash decisions I hope he takes the time to calmly make the right decision and I hope things go well, I wish you the best.
I hate to sound harsh, but dump this guy. He does not sound like a very nice person and like you said, you are better off single. Of course, it will be hard, but if you 2 aren't on the same page, do you want to live the rest of your life miserable?
This is tough. There is a big elephant in the room with the two of you- a trust issue. I'd highly recommend going to therapy together to get those issues resolved. You feel compromising with the condoms would open the door to cheat- are there other signs that he's going to someone else BESIDES not having sex? That's not always an indicator... he could simply be afraid of getting you pregnant again. Not everyone is ready to be a parent... and before you got pregnant, he very well may not have wanted kids. It's a simple fact that some people just don't want kids. I personally don't understand it, but my SIL is one of them.
Also, to give your husband piece of mind, I'd take him to your dr's appointments with you so that he can hear it from a Dr. as to what can void BC (there are MANY factors), so he knows you weren't lying about how you got pregnant. The Dr. can also explain fully pills, IUD's, etc. so your husband can feel a part of the decision. At the same time, it's taking the whole burden of off your shoulders.
I'd also check out http://www.vasectomyreversalmd.com/services_vvvesuccess.html
it gives a little insight about the success rate of a vastectomy reversal, which may give you and your husband piece of mind while he feels he doesn't want babies right now. I agree that he may change his mind later on down the line... and he can have this proceedure done when the time comes, and as long as your open and honest with him about your wanting more children in the future, I don't see where the problem would be.
As an additional measure, I'd make it clear that you have no intention to have your tubes tied. Vastectomy reversal is much more successful than tubal ligation reversal. And, even worse, it's still a possibility to get pregnant when both people have had 'work done'. I babysat for a couple that this happened to.
If, at the point that you want more babies, he decides he still doesn't, that's an issue you need to cross when you come to it. Again, therapy may help put that to rest between the two of you. I don't think the two of you can resolve the issue on your own, because from the way your post was written, it sounds like the two of you are very set in your ways on this issue, and to make the marriage work, I think someone needs to be involved that can be objective about it.
Let us know what happens.
Hi Sandra,
Its frustrating to me when I see MEN try to rule women or try to punish them by saying you get this fix or no sex for you!! if he is a freaken problem, he needs to get himself fixed. You cannot do this to your self. My sister in law who had three kids didn't want anymore. She wanted to get her tubes tide. Well two years back her youngest daughter died in a tragic car accident. Thank God she didn't get that procedure done because she ended up having another child. This didn't complete her sadness but it did give her motivation to move on.
Please women do not let men rule you. Take control of your life. If you let him control you know ...well he will control your soul later. Step up... if you don't like anything he says tell him. And if you think or are scared that he will cheat..well if he is going to do it not matter what you do he will still do it.
I hope this helps...
HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT MIRENA, IT IS AN IMPLANT THEY HAVE IT FOR 5 YEARS OR 10, MY HUSBAND AND I WERE PLANING A FEB WEDDING WHEN I GOT PREGNANT ON THE PATCH ACTUALLY, ANYWAY I HAVE THE 5 YEAR INPLANT JUST INCASE WE DID DECIDE TO HAVE ANOTHER OUR DAUGHTER IS 15 MONTHS NOW. YOU COULD CHECK IT OUT ONLINE IM SURE AND SEE WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT, WE HAVE NO PROBELMS WITH IT AND I HAVE HAD IT IN ABOUT A YEAR. ALSO MY INSURANCE PAID FOR IT.
GOOD LUCK
I must say I think your husband has an unrealistic point of view for whatever reason. have you considered counseling? As for birth control, I despise chemical birth control. There are too many variables that can effect quality of life adversely, so I use a diaphram. It's easy to insert and is at least as effective as the pill and certainly can't be rendered ineffective by other medications. Ask your doctor about it. For me there are no drawbacks; it's cheap, it's easy, no side effects, and it's effective. Good luck S..
S.,
There is another method that you may want to consider. It is called Natural Family Planning (NFP). I had problems with birth control as well and got pregnant on it. The NFP is a program that places responsibility on both parents. It is based on charting your cycle. It is up to you to observe what is going on with your body and up to him to ask you every night what you observed as you both write it on your chart. Your observations tell you whether or not to have intercourse if you want to make a baby or avoid making a baby. There are only about 6 days a month that it is actually possible to get pregnant, and if you are using it to avoid pregnancy, you wouldn't have intercourse on those days. Someone who is skilled will meet with you, fully explain the program, teach you how to chart, do follow up visits...etc. You get none of the side effects of birth control (or IUD, surgery, etc.) and if you use the method properly I think it is like 98/99% effective!
My husband and I have been using it for a year now to avoid pregnancy, and when we want to get pregnant, it should be easy for us, since we know exactly when I will ovulate. I have several friends that also use the method successfully.
I would highly recommend checking all your alternatives to surgery or something else drastic. I think you will find that your husband will trust this method, once you chart for a little while. I think you should also both have some open discussion about trust issues as well or maybe consider seeing a counselor if it is upsetting you that much. Just don't make any drastic decisions that you might regret.
Do you live in the Jacksonville area? That is where I am. The NFP expert is listed in the resources pages. Or let me know if you want her contact info and I will give it to you.
Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes.
Your next husband might want to have children. Tell him to go have a vasectomy.
S.,
I will be praying for you and your family. Though it seems your husband has a trust issue well beyond birth control. I believe with a doubt that a child is a gift from God. It never happens by chance. So you hang in there and love your son and when your husband gets emotionally attached to him he'll come around. If you want write me back. God Bless!!!
B.
I can understand your husband's frustration (and yours too). He probably is afraid that you will get pregnant again. Have you looked into Norplant? It's an injection that goes into your arm and is replaced every 5 years. You can have it removed if you want to get pregnant again before the 5 years is up. Some insurance companies don't cover it, so check with your dr. first though. This B/C option eliminates the responsibility on your end of takig the pill every day. If you do take antibiotics though, you still do need to use a back-up B/C method. Good luck!
Re. No condoms, we've used condoms for 7 years now, b/c birth control made me MISERABLE, I got worse periods, no sex drive, and gained way to much weight. The other implants were just too scary for me. We have a system, it works for us. and have had incredible success. When we were ready to make our first child, (5 years into it) we enjoyed all the unprotected sex we wanted... and then returned to our system after she was born. I don't see the big deal with condoms---no worries, no side effects, easy.
What about condoms???? Why is birth control your responsibility and not his??? If he is that worried about you becoming pregnant again then maybe he should either use condoms or get snipped.
Sorry I know that sounds mean but...
You should probably look into a different form of birth control on your end also as the pill only works if you take it every day. It is a pain and a person can (I have) easily forget to take it. You have to remember that if you even miss one pill you are advised to use other birth control.
Sex is not everything but it does sound like your husband is overreacting and I would give him a little more time to calm down and then have a serious discussion with him about the situation and the options. Don't let yourself be bullied into surgery if you are not totally sure that that is what you want.
Good luck
M. N.
S.,
Pardon my harsh bluntness, but my advice would be to dump him, and do it in a hurry. The bs about the birth control sounds like a cover up. It doesn�t sound like he wanted to be a dad in the first place. Cut him loose and move on. You deserve a husband that loves you enough to have sex with you, and one that *wants* a family with the woman he loves.
Don�t let him bully you into doing something to your body that makes you ill or that you�ll regret, and don�t let him force you into choosing to pick between him and the future children you want. That�s not something a caring partner does.
Your husband�s decision to not have any more kids impacts your son also. Some people feel very strongly about giving their children siblings. It's a huge issue that shouldn't be taken lightly. If you want your baby to have siblings, you need to move on.
Your instincts about your husband's motives and where he�s getting it are probably correct. Trust your first gut instincts and intuition, they are almost always right.
The fact that he's not having sex with you, and has decided emphatically he doesn't want more kids when your son is only 5 months old, should be setting off screaming sirens and red flags all over the place. Parenthood shouldn�t be a burden.
Also, I totally get how you feel about condoms and I agree. The only problem is, if he�s out doing the town and you haven�t cut him off, you�re putting your life and your health at a huge risk.
Whatever his matter is, I wish you lots of luck.
