New Additions

You should not feel guilty at all about removing the 4-yr from his mother. For one, she is not a good parent and does not deserve him if chooses to live her life like that. Second, you are absolutely right to worry about what might happen to him in his mother's care and should therefore be doing whatever you can to get him out of that situation as fast as possible. You are doing the RIGHT thing! You are trying to keep that child safe and give him the life he deserves, that all children deserve. You are looking out for his safety.

The only situation you should feel guilty about is if you and his father knew of his situation and did nothing.

As for treating him like a son: take care of his needs, love him, play with him, look out for him, cuddle him (if he'll let you, 4-yr olds can be quite independent), etc. Do all the things that you do for your own son without any negative feelings, regret, etc toward that child and you won't have to worry about him thinking you care more for your flesh and blood than him.

I wish you the best of luck in getting that child into the safety of your home. Just remember, you are doing the right thing.

I think I understand about feeling guilty. You like her and don't want to hurt her. At the same time you must know that a mother involved with drugs is unable to take good care of her child. If you think that she's doing an adequate job then you should rethink taking him from her. But I've had a lot of experience with drug addicted mothers and I know from first hand experience that even tho they love their children the drug is ruling their life and they cannot care for anyone, not even themselves. This isn't always obvious. It may look like she's doing OK but she's not. The longer you wait to take the son the more damage he will have suffered.

Has your boyfriend talked with his ex about her relinquishing custody? If she is willing I would go thru a lawyer to have a legal document drawn up so that she will have to stick with it. And perhaps she would be more willing if she believes that she still has a chance to be more of a mommy when she gets rid of the drugs. Not necessarily that she would get him back but that if her situation is such that she can be trusted to take good care of him she could have him for more time.

This would be better and less expensive than a court battle during which your husband and his attorney will have to prove that she is unfit. Since she's been arrested twice it seems obvious but she may have a good attorney who will be able to prevail. My cousin and her husband went to court several times to get custody of his two kids. She was arrested several times but was able to retain custody by accusing their father of being abusive. I'm sure that their is more to that story but I know that the courts do not always rule the way that we expect.

As to whether or not you should become his mommy because you're not married I'm thinking that you already fulfill the role of step-mother. In that regard nothing is changing. This is your husband's battle but as his partner you are in reality involved even tho you aren't in legal terms. And you already are an important part of his son's life.

I have read your posts and I'm confident that you can do this. As the other mother said you love him, play with him, take care of his physical and emotional needs just like you do with your son. You will feel a different kind of love but that's OK. Even birth parents do not feel the same way about all their children. I have adopted my daugher. She came to live with me at 6. I don't think I love her in the same way I would've if I'd given birth but I still love her immensely. I have stayed with her through 20 years and those years have been tough.

No matter what you do he will feel like you favor your birth son. My granddaughter is sure that her mother loves her younger brother more than she loves her. That is just the way of siblings.

Life will be more complicated for all of you and it's good that you're hesitant. That means you are aware that there will be difficulties and that puts you in a much better position than someone who just says she'll do it without considering some of the things you are thinking about.

Try to relax and treat William as the little boy that he is. Love has no limits. There will be enough to go around.

Ok, I will respond about the taking him from his mom, simply because I have experience...
The difference is that I took my SISTER's kids. Yep, that's right. I was living in another state and I came to visit and realized that my sister (half-sister, same father, different mothers) was not in the best situation. She was living in a travel trailor that was parked on the land of a friend, and getting 1500 a month in social security because her husband (the kids' dad) was killed in a car accident. Needless to say she was using drugs. The kids were 10 & 13 and boy & girl and sharing a bed...
Anyway, I went to court and filed for non-parental 3rd party custody. I requested the court appoint a Guardian Ad Litem, which is someone to research both parties involved and determine the best thing for the children.
The court ordered my sister to submit to drug testing and saty clean for 1 year, and maintain a stable apartment for one year in order to get her kids back. She couldn't do it and I was awarded complete custody after a year and 1/2 of going in and out of court.

Soooo my advice to you is this. Do something to get the child out of the situation if you can. But also be aware that with all legal paperwork your boyfriend is the only one that can be named, since you aren't married. I was not married at the time either, so it was just my name. But the court did look at our living situation etc... so don't think that just because you aren't married that he won't win, he will... but it has to be his fight.

I wish you luck!
J.

I hope this doesn't sound rude.

I don't understand. This is your boyfriend right? Not your husband. Why do you feel like you need to treat this boy like your son? Are you getting married soon? This is your boyfriend's custody battle. Not yours. If you and your boyfriend break up, and you have put yourself in this 4 year olds life as his "mother", then that will be double devasting for him to lose 2 mothers. Don't do that to him. Be nice to him and treat him like a 4 year old, but don't try to be his new Mommy unless you plan on making things permanent with his father.