Never Ending Crying

If discipline isn't getting results, maybe try more carrots and fewer sticks.

Some kids are pretty sensitive, and respond much better to praising the positive stuff than, well, paying much attention at all to the negative stuff.

My 3-year-old daughter was starting to get pretty tiresome when we decided to work on the theory that she'll take her attention in whatever form it comes. So we started paying a lot less attention to the bad stuff, spending more focused one-on-one time with her when she started acting up a bit, and praising and cuddling her tons whenever she was behaving well.

It worked really well, and was such a relief after getting so very tired of hearing my own nagging voice.

Try to teach her "coping skills" to deal with her emotions and anything that causes her stress.

Children have emotions, but don't come equipped to deal with it many times. Thus, we need to teach them positive outlets and ways to handle it... there will be many things in life that we don't like.

And yes, 3 years old is naturally hard.
But still, teaching coping skills is very useful.

Instead of "Crying" does she KNOW how to SAY what she feels? Does she KNOW how to circumvent it? If someone is playing with her toys... she is probably feeling "territorial" perhaps. Teach her the words for what she is feeling, THEN an 'action" she can take. Either wait for her turn, or learn "sharing" or that she can tell you instead that is frustrates her... and then ASK her "how can you feel better about it?" Prompt her.... by asking questions that will engage her to SEEK alternate ways of feeling or handling it.

For our kids, we don't MAKE them share everything. Some things are too special, that they don't want to share. That is fine... but we taught them HOW to say it, and express it and their wishes....instead of screaming about it. THEN, we explain that "no, you don't have to share this, I know its special to you. Maybe later." And too, some kids feel that nothing is "sacred" for them, because they ALWAYS are expected to give it to others. Once, we asked our eldest child "How come you don't want to share?" And she replied "Because brother will break it... and its special to me....it worries me..." So you see, she learned how to EXPLAIN herself, to us, without fear or reprisal, and we "hear" her. And respect that. Then we understand HER... and the WHOLE scenario.

The time-outs don't work, because is just teaches her she is "bad." But it does NOT teach her WAYS of handling it, or her emotions/feelings nor what she can THEN do about it. Positively.

Some people react to what happens to THEM... and others react to how THEY can "change" the situation, making it better. Teacher her the difference. It will teach her self-reliance and how to make things positive. Instead of crying.

Mostly, kids cry for attention (good or bad), or they are reaching out for help, or they don't know how to handle it... or they feel apathetic because they don't know how else to be. Teach her other ways... to be.
It will take time... but it will build a foundation in her, to learn "coping" with any situation.

All the best,
Susan

I don't have any experience with this except that I was in a store one morning a few years ago and heard a boy crying. He cried the entire time my baby and I were in the store. I asked the mother if he was okay and she said it was just his personality. That he never stopped crying. I wanted so desperately to do something for this little boy and I could see his mother was in emotional agony over it, so I can feel your pain.

Three year olds from my experience, and the experience of every mom I know, are by far the most difficult to work with. The unreasonable outbursts unpredictable and completely normal. However, if this has been the personality since birth and not just three year old defiance, maybe you should look into in further. A mother's instinct is never wrong, if you are genuinly concerned I would talk to your doctor.

Try 'time-in' instead of time-out - when she is overwhelmed and cyring, have her hold your hand and not leave your side - she may just need more reassurance and attention. Even negative attention seeking behavior is still attention seeking. You are not rewarding bad behavior -just meeting her needs which may be different from other children's needs.

Oh, S., I know how hard this is! My daughter was a crier too - still is at 7 1/2, although she is gradually learning to use words more and not just erupt. Your daughter will learn how to manage emotions - isn't that one of the major life tasks? She should be working on this in preschool - and frankly, you don't know why she's really crying. If certain situations provoke her, then keep track of what those are. Competition with others for toys, attention, etc., is par for the course and completely normal. Even the seemingly angelic child down the street is doing the same thing. Your daughter is doing her best, but if something is really off for her this is her only way to communicate. Punishing her and time outs are not going to be productive at all, and just make both of you feel worse. If you need a time-out, I call it a cool-down, then let her know you're taking one, and then get out of there. She can't possibly make the connection that you're making between her behavior and the punishment - emotionally and cognitively, she's not getting it. Paying attention to her pro-social behavior will get you a lot farther. Uncomfortable as it is, whatever the behavior is, it's normal for her, and she's not doing this to you. And this isn't about you! You didn't mention where you live, but if you're on the Westside I'd recommend getting an occupational therapy evaluation at the Child Success Center. She might have some sensory integration issues - many little ones do. If she does, she can get some real tools to help. If this is a physical issue telling her to change or punishing her will only make her feel worse about herself - not an outcome you want, trust me! Good luck, and get yourself some nurturing.

Hi S. does she actually cry tears? it sounds to me you are doing the right things, maybe she is one of those kids who like negative attention. Time outs do not work, time out is a punishment, not discipline, that maybe why it's not changing you current situation. She doesn't sound spoiled. It is normal for a 3 year old to get upset when another child plays with their toys, what we did with our children was to ask each other before playing with each others things, if they said no then the answer was no. It teaches them respect for other peoples property. Hope this helps J.

I would make an appointment with your pediatrician to rule out any developmental concerns. Also, check the school district where you live to see if they have a preschool assessment program that can assess for developmental problems in relation to learning. It may just be that you need to try other techniques to get the crying under control (besides punishment). Teach her how to express feelings with words instead of crying or tantrums.

Best of luck.

S.,

I know it's hard to listen to crying, and screaming. but punishment will not solve your problem. Your daughter needs something; that is why she is crying. She might need more one on one time with you, more intellectual stimulation, or a playdate. Or maybe she does need medical attention: but whatever the need, punishment will not stop the behavior. The behavior will only change when the need she has is finally met. I pasted a blog post below on the topic. XO
Linda

"miss" behavior, not "misbehavior"
Every misbehavior is a symptom of a need that is unmet, or "missed."

In the words of Ruth Beaglehole, CNVEP, "Every behavior is a tragic attempt to meet an unmet need... tragic because the behavior in question will NOT result in the need being met."

It is our challenge, every time our child "miss" behaves, to determine what that unmet need is, and then help them to find a behavior that meets that need, rather than misses it!

Lots of Love,
Linda
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

What birth order is she? That may have to do with it. I have a daughter who is like that. And every time I wanted to discipline her, I gave her hugs and words of encouragement instead. it wasn't easy, trust me. I would have been easier to yell at her or put her in time out. I also did lots of cuddeling with her throughot the day. And I hae 3 little ones, so it wasn't easy but it worked. she is still a whining kid, but not as much. What she needed was more attention, love and physcial affection. And she came out the womb crying too!!! Shes a middle child by the way. I really hope this helps, it is very frustrating. Please let me know after a few days of doing htis if it works. I also tried to spend 5 mins alone time with her every day. We also started a behavior sticker chart!

S., I know it is not easy. Some kids just are harder to raise, they just are. My biological kids have been easier, but I've worked with lots of kids who are more difficult to parent. As you probably know- it seems like with almost all kids that their toys can be ignored until somebody else starts playing with the toy. Have you tried using a visual support ? ( like a card that says "My turn"), where you manipulate the length of the turn the kids have combined for praise when she shares. That really helps. If your daughter has difficulties with language skills, those can also impact her ability to communicate.

Kids do grow in their abilities to share with others.

Are you sure that she is not getting attention ( even negative attention) for the extended crying? Some kids would rather get yelled at then to be ignored. When she pitches a fit, calmly remove her from the situation briefly. Walk away if you need to cool off. It also worked for me when my own kids would tantrum to say "It's OK to be angry. (or upset, or sad, etc.) I don't want to be next to you when you're angry, because it hurts my ears." Yelling at somebody to stop yelling, or paddling them is counterproductive.

Best wishes.

S.,

Everybody needs to win sometimes, even your three-year-old. She may be reacting to being over-controlled.

Acknowledge her emotion - "I see that you are frustrated, because you want that toy. We all feel frustrated sometimes." Then provide her some options - "You can tell your sister you want to play with that when she is finished."

Provide your child appropriate choices whenever possible. Let her choose between an apple and an orange, or the red or blue shirt. Let her know when there is no choice and share your reasoning for decision-making. You do not have to over-control to remain n control. Approach her in a way that teaches skills and builds a reciprocal relationship.

Good luck,

C.

I was the same way as a child. I didn't even speak to my father until I was 3. Would cry and cry every time anyone except my mom held me. It turned out that I was suffering from a heart condition. I DON'T WANT TO SCARE YOU. But my point is, I was suffering no outward symptoms at all, but clearly never felt great. Finally a doctor detected a murmur. I'm sure your child's heart is PERFECT. But it can't hurt to get a very thorough physical to see if she's suffering from something physical and rule that out. She's too young to communicate to you about things she doesn't understand, so it really can't hurt! Good luck!

S.,

I think you need to stop being so tough on our child. Let our child WIN. See what happens. My friends daughter was the same way, and they kept getting tougher and tougher. Choose your battles with her... my friends daughter is now a 12 year old NIGHTMARE!!!!!!! I belonged to a Mommy & Me class, and someone else had the same problem with crying, the teacher (mentor) told her to let up on the child, and within about a month the child started getting better, and stopped pushing the boundries so much.... it is worth a try.

Good luck!

M.

Dear S.,

You must be exhausted and overwhelmed! You must feel like crying yourself!

I haven't read all the other responses but just wanted to give a small suggestion- validation and empathy. I know when I'm upset, if someone tells me not to feel that way, or tries to "fix it" or give advice, it actually makes me even MORE upset. The only thing that helps me really calm down is when the other person listens and validates my feelings (e.g., "of course you feel upset- you didn't want that other person to take your toy"). Once I feel understood, I'm much more willing to consider someone else's point of view, and fix the situation. I think kids are much the same way.

It may be that she feels punished for her feelings, and as a result feels unheard and unvalidated, and is just crying because she hurts so much and doesn't feel understood. Perhaps take time first to identify her feelings, and let her know it's okay to feel that way (this is not the same as giving in, it's just showing her that her feelings are important and that you will work hard to understand her). Once she feels understood, she may be more open to learning how to solve the problem (e.g., sharing, or fixing the situation.)

I took a great class- Positive Parenting- that was so supportive and gave really good ideas on how to handle this sort of thing. I'm not sure where you live, but the class is being offered for free starting next week at Paz Naz church in Sierra Madre, and also for a low cost through the Monrovia Adult school. It's a weekly class and it's so nice to feel supported by other parents and get strategies besides time out (which I find pretty useless, actually).

I hope this helps.

S.,
You should get a professional opinion on her behavior if you are concerned. I would. Try rewardng her for the behavior you want and like to see. Give her incentive to change her behavior. Motivate her with a chart and some stickers. Set small, attainable goals that can have an almost immediate reward or acknowledgement. Use verbal praise, get her use to hearing that you like it when she cooperates. When possible ignore negative behavior, she may be using this to get your attention. Also, sign her up for preschool. Her behavior will eventually change, but you'll have to work at it.

You already received some great advice. The only thing I can add, as a former kid crier and the mother of a nearly 5 year old who is the same, is to know sometimes it is just their nature. Once you get going, sometimes it is hard to stop. Actually helps to say to my son, "You can't stop crying right now, can you? Let's take some deep breaths and try to focus on a happy thought." Or let him go hang out by himself until he can settle himself.

It sounds like this is not weeping - tears, sniffles, very little noise - but is a type of temper tantrum - screaming, wailing. Is that the case? If it's quiet weeping, she's just very sensitive, and there's little you can do about it. If she's howling and carrying on, she wants attention, so don't give her any. Tell her she can only have these teary fits in her room, and she can come out when she's quiet. Since what she wants is attention, she'll eventually learn to quiet down and describe to you what she wants or why she's upset without the theatrics. If she comes out of her room and starts getting loud and wound up again about how it's NOT FAIR and such, send her right back.

All small children are, by nature, very self centered. Things like suddenly deciding that they NEED a toy, snack, or time on Mom's lap only AFTER another child has received it is very, very common and normal and to be expected. That DOES NOT mean it's OK and should be encouraged.

Some children - and adults! - are just never happy unless they're 1. the center of attention, and 2. getting more of everything than anyone else. When you're parenting one of these kids, it's exhausting. Other people will continually tell you that your child is spoiled, but your child will say, "But I NEVER get to do what I want!" So no matter who you talk to, you as the mom end up frustrated.

Having raised a child like this, I can tell you that my first instinct, to explain everything to her, is actually the WRONG thing to do. With this type of personality, the more you explain or try to reason, the more upset she will get. (And you'll hear and endless list of statements that begin with, "But..." from her.) You have to give very short responses. "We have to share. It's Megan's turn now," for instance, when she wails that someone else has her toy. Send her to her room if the howling starts. These are the kinds of kids who need to hear, "Because I said so," instead of an explanation. When you enforce the rules - and you have to be exhaustively careful to be consistent and enforce them every time - just say, "Because I said so," when she complains that it's not fair.

And YES, after many years when you wonder if you'll both survive, it gets better! :) Hang in there!

Dear S.,
Some answers you received had some good suggestions. Others I really wondered about, so since you know your child, you will have to decide which are helpful.

I have no daughters, but my middle son was very demanding and would have temper tantrums over small things. My dad said he was spoiled, but he was not either. Perhaps the crying is the girls version of the temper tantrums that my son would have. The book "A Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson has many suggestions on how to deal with children that want their way...such as the toy situation you gave. One that helped me the most was giving him choices on things that didn't matter. Which of these two sets of clothes do you want to wear? (If I told him what to wear he would get upset.) What kind of sandwich do you want for lunch. (If I made a lunch and put it in front of him he would get upset)...etc. Which of these two toys do you want to play with first, then letting him have that for five minutes (set timer) and then switch with his brother. Then on none negotiable items telling him, this is what you must do, there is not choice here. (He still would have a tantrum, but I would ignore it or send him to the room until he could control himself). Those became less often as he got older because he knew he he would be sent to the bedroom and also knew he had control over some areas such as clothes and food choices.
Sharing is always hard for children and she seems like she is justa little immature in this area. Preschools usual are said to parallel play...not play together. My older son actually started biting other children if they took the toy he wanted at three(he was put in time out for that). My sons often fought...I think the second son was probably was the cause, but never singled him out, but used the timer and made both sit for 5 minutes until they could play together again. Even after my last son was born when the middle one was 5, he had problems if the baby got into his things and would have a tantrum. He eventually matured, but he was not an easy child to raise. The doctor, when I would complain to him, would just tell me that these kinds are usually smart...they know what they want and have drive to get it. And yes, when he hit school he did very well academically, but we still had other issues to deal with.
But right now crying is your problem. The crying can be irritation, just like the tantrums. You could send her to her room until she stops and then hug her when she comes out and let her know you love her and are happy that she is no longer crying. You could also try taping her on a recorder and at some point when only she and you are together play it to her and tell her that it is not a nice sound to hear and you are happy when she is not making it. Don't know if it would help, but sounded like it might.
I hope she will mature out of it quickly for you. I don't know if anything I said is useful to you. Patience is a virtue that is hard to continually have. Just knowing you are not the first to be frustrated with a child's behavior and we are routing for you may help too:)
H.

Would you say she is overly sensitive? If so, check out today's LA Times Health Section on Borderline Personality. I doubt if this is what it is but just a thought....The best of luck...

i totally understand what you are going through!! My 2yr. old is the same way! Lots and lost of crying since he was born. Tell her she needs to use her words, that you cant hear her when she is crying. Sometimes this works for us. Also I understand how this can ALL get to you and you just want to scream back because you are soooo frustrated; try to talk really calmly and tell her you understand and see what kind of reaction you get instead of you loosing your cool. It's really hard sometimes to talk calmly when your child wont stop crying. It works alot for me!! And yes; sending her to her room if she wont stop and telling her she can come out as soon as she stops. Stand by the door and as soon as she is quiet open the door and say thank you for stopping, now you can come out- the second she starts again tell her she has to stay again. Its hard- I know!! Time goes by fast- it will pass but it feels like forever when you are in the moment!!
GOOD LUCK to you!!
S.

There are tons of books at the bookstore (and probably your local library) regarding "spirited" children - kids that are just more intense than average - and how to deal with them. Both my boys fall into this category and I was miserable trying to deal with them until I read some of the books. These kids have more potential than most but they also have some obstacles that they need to learn to navigate to be successful in the world. The books help with the road map for the obstacles. My favorite quote from the books is that the kids need to learn to "use their superpowers for good rather than evil." :-)
One other thing that I found that worked regarding toys: my watch has a timer on it and I set it for a minute whenever there's a disagreement about a toy. When it rings, it's the other child's turn and the timer gets set again. (Sometimes I set it for the TOY to go in "time-out" if it's just too hot an issue to be worked through right then.)
Hope this helps.
:-)
jen

First, you have my sympathy, listening to a crying child all day is wearying. [hugs]

If you want to get rid of a behavior, you will need to offer a replacement behavior.

For a few days work on establishing the replacement of no-crying behavior by giving positive attention. EVERYTIME you see her NOT crying, absolutely EVERYTIME, praise, cuddle, reward, give preferred objects, activities, treats, etc, with any words that express pleasure that she in not crying. Ignore crying outbursts and actively look for opportunities to praise the desired behavior of not crying.

Let us know if any of the ideas help and work for you.

She is old enough to start going to her room. Don't make it a set time. Tell her crying and throwing a fit is not ok in our house. Go to your room and when you settle down you can come out. Our son overloads really easily and totally loses it. Sending him to his room works well a lot of the time. It helps him learn to calm himself down.

Hi Sabrina,

Very well done on asking for help. Now, your child is not depressed or have any of the other invented mental disorders that people are claiming. My first question is whether or not she cries a lot when she's tired or hungry? Do things tend to get more difficult when she's tired or hungry? My second question is whether she would say that she has any say or choices in what she does? I have some information for you on how to get her willingness to do things so that she feels more in control. When she feels like she can control things, she will be able to stop the crying.

I hear you on this, my daughter is 3 as well and cries and whines over everything. I say it's gotten worse since she has turned 3, so I suspect it has something to do with her age. Like your child my daughter has constantly cried/screamed since they day she was born and has no medical disabilities as well. I asked my daughter's doctor to recommend parenting classes and counseling to help us manage our spirited child.
Best of luck to you, hang in there-

Find a professional! Seriously, some of us have children that are more challenging than others. I have a very high maintenance 3 year old as well. I have learned how to work around him to keep him on the straight and narrow! We have been fortunate in a sense that he does have a speech issue that made us eligible for Regional services. In the absence of that, check into your local community college or local churches for parenting classes. It is always good to have other eyes help you work through the issues. I know you are doing everything you should, I am sure one day it will get better! (I hope :) ) Glendale Community college and La Canada Presbyterian Church both have great programs. I didn't look to see where you are to see if that would work or not. Good luck.

Does she show signs of depression? Is she on medication? Some meds cause depression. My twin sisters were criers and as they turned to adults, they turned out to be schizophrenic. One is depressed schizophrenic and the other is just schizophrenic.

The schizophrenia does not show up until early adulthood, however thinking back, my sisters were big criers...very dramatic and loud. Look into it and see if you can find any other signs.