Neurotypical Sibling

P.,
I know that must be concerting. I have a nephew with autism and it is also very hard on the big brother. They are only a couple years apart. It has been different for us dealing with the sibling because he was older. My sister in law joined a group online for parents of children with autism and she has found that very helpful. It is similar to this, but all the parents are like you. They have ideas on potty training, diets, good places to go for children with autism... etc. I would try that. Best of Luck.

Check with the Autism Society...they typically have "Sib Shops" which are programs for siblings of children with autism. VERY good!!!

P.,
I would strongly urge you to go on line find your Parent Training and Information Center in your state (go to www.nichcy.org and find yours under your state resources). Once you find them ask them about something called "SIBSHOPS." Sibshops are group events for siblings of children with disabilities. They take kids of a wide range of ages and I'm sure at 4 he would be able to go. They have fun activities that help them with thinking about these issues, but also about NOT thinking about them. They have a lot of fun and meet other kids that have siblings with disabilities who are going through the same thoughts and feelings. The important thing is not so much a support group for you (although that might be fine and help you), but HE needs his "support group" i.e., you don't have a sibling with a disability, he does and he needs other kids that understand what he's thinking. Kids with siblings with disabilities very frequently are HIGHLY in tuned to the needs of their siblings, they feel responsible at an early age and feel that they must take care of them without anyone giving them the idea that they have to. It's almost instinct. Reassure him that autism is not contagious. But also reassure him that he's still 4 years old and that he doesn't have to be his brother's parent. Tell him it's OKAY to not worry about his brother if he needs to not worry about it. You're the parents not him and he needs reassurances that you are taking care of the worrying and will let him know if there's something he can do to help. Give him permission to be a 4 year old.

I have twins - one of whom is "normal" and one of who was born missing her corpus callosum (the part of your brain that's a bridge that connects your left & right brain - can cause autistic like symptoms) & is deaf. We started dealing with issues when they were 3 and are still dealing with some from time to time. We had to reassure her that by wearing the same shirts she couldn't 'get' what her sister had, we've had to try to explain that her sister is missing part of her brain and that is why she can't do things like she can. We've agonized over potty training as we are still working with one but the "normal" one was totally frustrated that she had to pee/poop in the potty but her sister still got to wear a diaper...lots of fun things like that! Now, the girls are 7 and we have a 3 yr old boy that we are starting the process all over with him.

The only thing I can say is continue to be as honest and up front as you can without overloading him. They don't have to know every single detail right now. Keep reassuring him that he is fine and can't catch what his brother has.

We are Christians and believe that God has a reason for bringing each child into our lives and we have expressed that to our children as well. We have all learned sooooo much from her - and our other two - already! The "normal" sibling's prayers for her sister are the sweetest prayers I've ever heard! So for us, leaning on God for the answers and the patience when we don't get the answers we want is what keeps us going. He brings us JOY in the midst of the trials & frustrations of having a child with special needs.

I can already see the compassion that having a differently abled sibling has added to her sister's life. We are careful to make sure that she gets alone time with us as we spend so much time going to therapy for the other one. We have let her know that it's ok to feel bad about having a sibling that's different, that she might be embarrassed or even made fun of because of her sibling. But we've also made sure she knows that is her sister for life, that she will always love her, and that she needs to help others around her understand a few things about her sibling - how to adjust playing so that she can play too, that it's not ok to call people names, etc.

I know I'm rambling around...you can also start looking at books that are written by siblings of differently abled kids and talk with your 4 yr old about those - read them first - one that I got was awful!!! The author was totally depressed and without hope. She basically said that there is nothing we as parents can do to prevent the "normal" kid from feeling like a hated stepchild for life...She didn't understand that most of her issues were really just sibling issues not I'm normal & my brother isn't issues...

There are sibling support groups you can locate in your state. Conferences to attend to gain support and be able to talk to others who are in your same boat. I know 2 people that have twins where one is "normal' and the other isn't. One is open & willing to talk and we have both grown so much from the experience. The other lady won't talk about it at all. She is sad and withdrawn and doesn't get out with her kids. So, please find some other people that can relate to what you are going thru and talk with them. And if you are a part of a church - usually you can find some good support there even if they don't totally understand the details!

Sorry for being all over the place, I didn't get much sleep the last 3 nights! Hope something I wrote helped!

I also have a child on the autism spectrum. My oldest has PDD. I have had to deal with this multiple times through the years but mostly at older ages. I feel that you might benefit from a support group. Also, there are books that talk about autism to kids. I have one for older children but I know there are younger books out there. I know it is difficult. We were looking for a sibling group at one point and ended up not doing it but there is one at Mitchell's Place, I think, called "Sibshops". Not sure the age on it, or where you live, but you might want to look into it. We just try to "level" with the child at the time and solicit their help. However, we realized that there were things the oldest couldn't do that the others could and we didn't hold them back. We let them "soar" or go on ahead. We used to let #1 go everywhere #2 went but we realized that #2 was having too much responsibility and couldn't handle it. He was feeling stressed. So, now he goes to his thing and #1 goes to his. There is a counselor somewhere in Pelham that is for adults, but she has a child with autism. I have thought of talking to her before but never did. I will try to get more info if you e-mail me privately.

At four, kids make huge cognitive leaos. Perhaps some things are clicking inot place in his mind that didn't before. So while he understands some little things more, he also understnds some big things incorrectly. And his brothre's autism is a very big thing. It sounds like maybe he's just ready for more information, still on an as-needed basis.
Perhaps he's confused, thinking that he might catch his brother's autism, just like he catches someone else's cold.
Try explaining to him that autism isn't something you can catch from someone else, it's something that some people are born with. His brother was born with it and he wasn't.
It's good that at four, he has such a well-developed sense of empathy, but you don't want him to become a little old man from worrying. Reassure him that you and his dad are taking care of his brother, and will always make sure that hs is safe and cared for, and that he need not worry about that. If the anxiety persists, counseling might help.

First I would like to say that it sounds to me like you are wonderful parents.When it come to talking to the right people,you would probably do best to ask around in your community and see if there are support groups for children with Autism.If not find a psycologist and set up an appointment and they will help you find the information you need.Tell them the problems you are having with your 4 year old,they may even be able to help you with that.Hope this helps you,have a wonderful day,things will get better.D. F.

Get online and talk to a family group that deals with the problems of raising a family with one autistic sibling, and they will know exactly what to do! It sounds as if your child is lovely! Also, there are special fun schools for autistic children. I don't know if there are any in Tulsa, but I recently watched a special on HBO that showed a shool. If you can't find one, start putting up notices for someone to start one! Your child with autism needs attention and people and activity, and only of a certain kind. Good luck to you and God bless. SP

My son also has autism (Asperger Syndrome; high-functioning). There is an excellent webiste that publishes books, tapes & other resources for autism. Go to www.asperger.net (this is the Asperger Autism Publishing Company website). It is not only about Asperger Syndrome. That's just the name, but they have WONDERFUL resources that put it in the child's persepctive. Also, if you haven't already, please join the Northwest Louisiana Autism Chapter (www.autism-society.org/chapter581); I am the chapter secretary-we're based in Shreveport/Bossier. But we are there for the entire Northwest Louisiana. It's a chance to meet others in your situation & socialize your child with autism. We also run a camp for kids with autism; it's been around for 20 years (Camp Rainman). Each child has their own counselor & it's 3 days. My son attended for the first time last year and he LOVED it! Email me off-list if you're interested or need anything at all!

Good morning P. - You might want to consider counseling for your son and you, the parents. A professional may be able to help your little one separate from some of the anxiety. I suspect he has observed acute, intense concern on your part for his brother. He sounds like a delightful little boy to express such concern, but you are right to be concerned about his anxiety; if this continues, he could cut himself off from all normal childhood activities, in order to be there for his brother. I wish you the best of luck in this and God Bless you - it is a hard road, but can be rewarding - I have a daughter with Asberger's Syndrome (a form of autism).

You are absolutely right, that is a big responsibility for a 4 yr. old. But, you do need to share with him that he can't 'catch' autsium. And, right now you need him to help you, or any other adult that is the responsible party, while he is playing. It isn't easy, on him or you. For now, try not to ask him too often to do things for his brother.

It doesn't take kids long to figure out the differences. Plus, your son that has autism, may just have hidden talents. As a Special Educator, I have seen a beautiful artist in one child, and a boy who could memorize whole Elvis movies just watching. He even had the outfits, to wear. But, unless you were talking about Elvis, he just wasn't interested.

B. M.

Four year olds are like that. They are concerned about everything. It is wonderful. By five, they don't care about anything, lol. Your other son was born with it and he was not, end of story.

I do hope you are using cod liver oil and/or fish oil. I know it doesn't cure everyone but it has certainly cured many and drastically improved other's lives. Wheat and dairy also need to go but thats old news.

Good luck with your two precious sons. Enjoy the four year old. When my son was 4 he became concerned that all of his friends were going to die because of what he was seeing them eat. We sounded like nazis as parents, but we had only made a few statements in his presence and he took them to heart.

We haven't gotten to this point yet in our family where the younger sibs are noticing with concern the differences between them and their big brother. I guess partly because my almost three year old is about on the same developmental level socially as my 6 year old and they act like any other group of 3-4 year olds would.

When or if the time comes that the differences are disturbing to my younger children, I plan to use it as a lesson in differences being ok. If everyone were the same the world would be a boring place. Point out the positive differences between your children to your 4 year old and reassure him that Autism is not something you catch like a cold, and that he's not in any danger of getting it from his brother or anyone else. Also, point out the things that your older child can do that your 4 year old can't even if it's only few things since obviously there are things that he can do that his brother can't. Also, ask him about the things he likes about his brother so he's focused on the positive and worries less about the negative.

The suggestion for sibshops is good, but we never were able to participate because of the age restrictions. All the ones we ever found were for older children in the 6-8+ age range.

I know what you are saying. My youngest has austism. High fuction but a lot of the same issue for the sible. The best thing to do is reasure the youngest that austism isn't a disease like the flu. He can't catch it. The best thing is let him have friends that are "normal" and let him talk about his concern without judgement and you be his biggest cheerleader no matter what. Lots of hugs and kisses.

It is pretty normal for 4 year olds to have these kinds of concerns. They are trying to figure out if they are like other people, if other people are like them and understand the differences. Your 4 year old is needing some reassurance that he is not going to have the same problems. Rather than assume you are guessin correctly, ask your 4 year old about his worries. Is he worried he might not be able to talk or whatever other differences there are? And it makes sense, if his sibling can't talk, how can they be safe if the way we tell our kids to be safe is to tell someone, to yell and shout?

Also, there are Autism Support groups around. I know there is one in the Lawton area that meets on a monthly basis. 4 year olds also have an amazing perspective - they think they are responsible for just about anything that happens in their world. Might that be part of what your 4 year old is thinking?

And what is a "normal childhood"? If it is loving our family members, learning to appreciate them and take care of them, just as we learn to take care of ourselves, isn't that normal?