Neighbor Behavior

I find your username an interesting choice of words.....

My neighbors are lovely. We find it helpful and rewarding to reach out to our neighbors. Offer kindness and help when it looks like they need it. They do the same for us. I find that when humans are connected in friendship, they are less likely to damage or disrespect one another's property. They are vested in one another.

If we only reached out to our neighbors to complain, I'm sure our relationship with them wouldn't be very good.

ETA: Why are you writing "mature" and "woman" in caps?

My mom was really good at dealing with people who were inconsiderate.

She would have picked up the cigarette butts, put them in a jar or something, and gone over and talked with the neighbor's son. Ever so polite, she would just approach people as if they were lacking sense, and just remind them of how what they did impacted other people such as "I'm sure not aware, but these are landing in my rose bushes.. "

I think most people who are inconsiderate are just clueless. I don't think they intend to piss you off - they're just not even thinking of you.

I've found in my many years with neighbors that anet rarely solves the problem. As a police officer I was too often involved in neighborhood conflicts.

I suggest that what has worked best for me and others is to approach the neighbor expressing concern for their difficulties before addressing my own. To be a good neighbor one has to consider that the other neighbors' are also doing the best they can with what they know. They most likely have have a reason for what they're doing or not doing that is not related to me. I approach the conversation by expressing the wish to collaborate in problem solving.

Of course sometimes the neighbor is plain mean and or doesn't want to collaborate even when you give them the benefit of doubt. That is why most cities/counties have an office that helps neighbors resolve conflict. (mediation) My neighbor and I had a conflict we couldn't resolve on our own. We met together with a Mediator who helped
us find a solution acceptable to both of us.

So...the cigarette butts have stopped?
Now it's the snow.
I think (without knowing the layout of your driveways and yards, etc. that as long as no O. is throwing snow causing another person to re-shovel it? I don't see the issue.
As for the driving in your yard part? I would imagine that's why you see those yards & driveways with the boulders at the perimeter.

OneAndDone's remark about the boulders brings back a memory from a long time ago. A man who lived just outside of my neighborhood had a big problem with a group of teens who purposefully drove on his yard as a shortcut. They just liked doing it and spinning their tires to do as much damage to the corner of his lot as they could, getting to the perpendicular road. He asked their parents politely to try to get through to the kids to stop. The parents didn't care, the kids laughed at him when he asked them.

He had a thick, brick wall built on the corner of his property. Evidently he checked with the city to make sure he was doing everything properly (which was smart of him). The kids didn't seem to notice the new addition - and as they once again drove onto his property, this time they slammed their car into the wall and did a lot of damage to the car (and the wall). A few days later, I saw that the wall had been repaired, and I never saw it damaged again. Those kids learned a HARD lesson. (And I suspect that the parents did too, since it was probably their car.)

Do I think you should build a wall or put in boulders? No. I think the mulch is a better idea. These are your next door neighbors and you have to live beside them until one of you two move.

I read the snow part carefully - they are throwing it against your HOUSE? Actually against your house? I think that's wrong. On your yard is one thing. On your house is another. If you have a basement, keep checking it to make sure the melting snow doesn't make it's way into your basement. That happened to us one time - we had a window well and it came in that way. We had to dig a trench in the snow so that the water would follow the way of the yard down to the french drain, rather than settling against the window well.

I had the same first response as Julie.

ETA based on your SWH: Why are you shouting the words MATURE and WOMAN? Is that mature?

yes, this would bother me a great deal.
the grass is easy to fix. put boulders along the drive. our driveway is private, but several other people in the neighborhood have been forced to resort to this, since we put in speed humps and the local asshats wanted to drive around them into people's yards.
the cigarette butts would really frost me. it's a pity that mature discussion hasn't fixed that. i guess you could pick them up and throw them back, but it doesn't sound as if that would end well.
you do need to consider what their options are for throwing the snow. i'm assuming they could just toss it onto their side?
the best outcome would be for a sit-down with them when tempers have cooled. your husband could start things off well by apologizing for losing his temper.
sometimes cooler heads will not prevail, so you have to decide how far it's worth it to you to push this. spending years in your home silently fuming doesn't sound fun, but are you willing to dive into a prolonged legal battle and have anger and resentment spiking every time you and the neighbors see each other?
i doubt the police will get involved. you'll probably have to photograph, video and record each incident and go the city and get a civil injunction of some sort. it'll eat up a lot of your brainspace.
sorry this is happening. blerg to crappy neighbors.
khairete
S.

LOL OnePerfectOne!! We put big stones along our yard so our neighbors would stop driving onto it!!! As for things like cigarette butts: Tell them not to throw them in your yard. It obviously won't occur to them to stop otherwise. And snow? If it's blocking you or causing you to have to shovel it, then tell them not to throw it or your side.

I have an annoying neighbor. I've had to tell him not to do several things over the years. It's never easy to confront someone, but if you do it nicely they rarely cause problems. He and I actually get a long because I've made a point to phrase things REALLY NICELY with a smile no matter how annoying his behavior is. And I'll follow it up with a friendly change of subject so it's not like the whole exchange was me telling him not to do something. And I'll initiate friendly exchanges at other times so he knows I'm not pissy about anything.

It's hard to visualize the layout of your driveway/house to know what th problem is. But if you have a lot of snow and it's hard for drivers (like the granddaughter) to know where the driveway ends and your grass starts, you may have to be understanding. If she's a new driver, she'll get better. You can try some driveway markers (if you can get them in the frozen ground, which may not be possible now), or when spring comes you can put a strip of mulch or gravel there and not plan on growing grass.

With the adult son, I think your husband should have spoken to him and not his father. Some people are clueless about cigarettes and think they're biodegradable instead of unsightly. You could also put some sand (like playground or landscaping sand) in a metal bucket and put it out there as a nice hint.

The snow problem is hard to understand - if you're having the kind of snowfalls that we're having in Boston, there are just limited places to put it all. I'm not sure what the problem is if it's against your house, unless it's on shrubs that will be damaged, or if it is in a place where the melting will go into your foundation or a basement window. I do think it might have been more fruitful to hold a calm conversation or a float suggestion that the 2 families share the cost of a plow service to push it all away from both driveways rather than have a "heated discussion". That never goes well.

We have terrific neighbors, by and large. We have a neighborhood email list for notifications (like arranging for state-funded mosquito spraying against EEE & West Nile), group activities (multi-family yard sales, annual Labor Day Block Party), neighbors in crisis (setting up help for someone with cancer or ALS), finding services (babysitters, contractors, vacation help with pets or mail pick-up), and generally introducing new neighbors to everyone else (a handy list with names, addresses and phone numbers really helps people learn names). Before our big blizzard a few weeks ago, one neighbor offered their snow blower, and another offered her kids to snow blow and shovel. We pitch in to shovel hydrants and storm drains to benefit each other. We pick up each other kids at the bus, stick bandaids on them, etc. Very much a "village". Not everyone participates in the block party or the email list, but that doesn't mean they aren't cooperative - some are just more private and introverted.

That said, we have 2 difficult families out of about 50 - not bad odds. One family has 6 large dogs (limit is 6 without a kennel license). They never EVER pick up dog poop when they walk these 6 dogs down the street, but they have no interest if someone offers them a poop bag. So we just report it to Animal Control and let the officials handle it. One of their dogs got loose and killed another neighborhood dog that was in its own yard. The owner of the vicious dog was unconcerned because the owner of the dead dog didn't seem "upset enough."

The second family has a very difficult wife - I believe she is suffering from mental illness because she is erratic and either very reclusive or very angry. They live next to us, and we had some years where all their garbage and kids' toys ended up thrown over their fence into our property. I cleaned up the trash (empty beer cans, food, plasticware) and got screamed at by her and her kids. I returned anything usable (toys, bike helmets, full cans of beer, plates) and stacked it up or put it in paper bags against their fence - got yelled at for that too. Their dog got loose (never allowed in the house so finally it dug under the fence) and we caught her and returned her. We rang the bell and the adults insisted it wasn't their dog! I guess they didn't recognize it but finally one of their kids got through to them and insisted it was, indeed, their hound. If we wave or say hello when they pass by, we get snarled at so we keep our distance. But if they need something, they get nicey-nicey for a half hour - and we just take the high road and help out. We don't get overly involved, but we do try to meet the immediate need.

But as Nervy Girl said, we just blow off steam with each other and move on. Sometimes a good laugh dissolves the tension. We had a major blizzard about 22 years ago and there was a state of emergency - no driving, huge piles of plowed snow causing visibility problems, etc. Difficult Neighbor's 4 kids were riding bikes on the snowy street, nearly getting hit by plows and emergency vehicles, and they weren't even wearing coats. The dog was penned up in the back yard. One of my neighbors commented on the irony of having kids running loose and chasing trucks while the dog playing in the back yard - the opposite of what you'd expect.

Anyway, we just adopt sort of a "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude. If there's something really dangerous or extremely problematic, we give the police or Animal Control officer a call and let them manage it.

I mostly like our neighbors. One couple is nosy but I think we got their approval when we looked out for a mutual (invalid) neighbor a few years ago during a power failure. The ones straight back don't like our trees dropping leaves in their treeless yard, but they otherwise leave us alone. I really don't have any complaints about anyone nearby. I've had bad neighbors before. Friend is moving because one of her neighbors is a stalker creep and she had to hand him a cease and desist notice to stay off her property. I'd consider grass small potatoes.

I like most of my neighbors. The ones I would trade, I would gladly trade, but they don't wreck the neighborhood as a whole. We have a couple problem families on the street and will vent to each other-- that said, known problems like this mean that we all keep an extra eye out for each others kids if we moms have to go into the house for a few minutes or something like that.( Most of the families have younger kids.) Those adversities have made us stronger as a group of families in that we communicate more with each other.

I can't say any of us has ever lost it on each other mainly because we don't let things get bottled up. Either address it in a friendly way or be willing to let it go. Or if it can't be changed (like the problem families), do your best to make good boundaries, be courteous and go from there. It can be done!

I'd put up a small fence and plant grass seed, that's what I'd say but it would show them they're needing to stay off the grass.

The snow? Unless it's going under your house or causing damage I can't think of any reason it's a big deal. I imagine it just came to the surface because your hubby has repressed so much for so long.

Well, honestly, I would complain about cigarette butts being thrown in our yard and would ask them to be more careful back out. But I would not have gotten all hot and bothered about the snow. I may ask that they shovel it somewhere else. When I shovel the side way between mine and my neighbors' house, I throw the snow in front of me and go from there. Yes it gets harder as I get closer in but it would be rude to throw it over to his walkway (chain link fence in between).

We have a neighbor that lives about 6 houses down. He is a tenant and they have 2 SUVs, a minivan, a sedan and I have seen him drive something else but not sure it is actually his. We live on the corner and he likes to park ALL of them by us. Even when there are spaces closer to where he lives. I have actually seen him with the rear of the SUV on top of the sedan. I don't know if he was tired, drunk or what. I just try to avoid him. We have a woman across the street with a small SUV that thinks she needs to take 2 parking spaces. I once asked her if she could back up and she looked at me like I had grown horns or something.

We have more problems with some kids that live on the next block being very rude and disrespectful in the summer. One of the moms pulls the race card if you complain and ask that she talk to her son. And sometimes really nasty mouths.