Need Some Advice in Regards to My Preteen Stepson

The only parenting author I have found to be worth while has a book called Teen Proofing, that might be helpful (John Rosemond). He discusses their moods and changes and how to navigate them.

I am a former 7th, 8th, and 9th grade teacher. And what I can tell you that attitude and a gradual push for more independence is entirely normal at this age. If he seems angry or withdrawn, he may be experiencing something at school... peer related that is affecting him. This age is very tough for both girls and boys and they really begin to be totally wrapped up in how they fit in. If they are not fitting in with friends or their peers, they may become quite hostile and take it out on people close to them... like parents. You need to not take it personally, especially if you had a good relationship before. With that said, you can't allow him to disrespect you either. But you should expect a boy that age to push the boundaries as much as possible. It is almost like they forget that their parents are actually humans too... friends are really all that matter at that stage. But you do need to be involved, 12 and 13 year olds are a a lot like 2 year olds... they strive for independence from their moms and dads way before they are ready for it. You have to continue to lovingly set those boundaries and make sure that his father takes an active role when he is home from his travels. My hubby travels a lot during the week, in order to reconnect with my daughter, he takes her to breakfast every Saturday morning where they sit and talk and reconnect after a week away.

First, you need to emotionally remove yourself from the situation. In all probability, it's not 'about you'. Try taking him somewhere where you can talk while you ride or walk on a trail side by side (because males, especially do better side by side while communicating while females like face to face).

Just tell him calmly that you've noticed that he's not his usual jolly self lately and that you miss the chats you used to have. Ask if he knows why he's feeling and acting differently these days. If he doesn't know why -- or he might not even recognize that he IS acting/feeling frustrated), try giving him some examples of the differences between how he used to act and how he now acts. Explain that you know he's at a tough age when hormones are raging, his body (and voice) is changing, kids at school can be really cruel (do YOU remember Jr. High? I sure do!), etc. but that you want to be there for him and remain close with him.

He may open up right away, or he may not, but don't push him. Just let him know you're 'on his side' and keep trying as hard as you can not to take his behavior personally! They are HIS issues, not yours, so be the mature person he can count on.

God bless!

He sounds like a normal teenage boy to me. The key with teenagers is to keep the lines of communication open. Talk to him. Ask him questions about his day. Make sure you are doing more listening than talking. I found that my children talked to me more in the car. Drive to the video store to rent some movies. Take him to a ballgame. If he seems mad...ASK. "Hey are you mad at me about something?" or "Did I do something that made you mad?" or "What's up today you seem crabby." "You seem grouchy, did you have a bad day?" As for saying "thank you" I am trying not to laugh. Teenagers take you for granted. They want their parents to be invisible until they need money or a ride somewhere. Taking you for granted is a good sign though--it means he considers you his MOM! One last thing...my favorite line that I used with my teenage boys was this..."Aliens have taken over your body. Please tell them that I want my wonderful son back!"

I'm a mom of 3 sons and I must be honest with you...the worst is yet to come.Listen to those of us who have walked this road...only we can share with you what it is like. Teenagers are in a different world than we are. I can tell you by having raised my boys 99% of the time...they need their DAD. Try hard as we may by raising them, providing, encouraging, correcting etc...they need a strong male role model in their life!!! I also have a troubled teen that through me for a loop! My boys were raised in a Christian home etc...we have no promises about the decisions they will make. Are you in a good church where he can get guidance from another man...a godly man? One of my son's sees a christian counselor...it is his safe place to share his teen struggles with another man that can give him guidance in the things of God. Boys are the ones who struggle so hard with their self-esteem....is he in a good sports programs with good coaches? They are alot of ways to get him the support he so badly needs....Do it now before his anger becomes worse! I have an angery son...we have been through so much it would make your head spin! When asked what he is so angry about...he replies...I needed my dad! I have a site for moms who struggle with thier troubled teens because of my son...thank God is getting the help he needs and is becoming a mature, godly young man!

Jer.29:11

Blessings,
M.
www.amothershope.webs.com

i think youre ok if he's avoiding yu it sounds normal for his age but you have to be careful that he's not running home to get on the internet and start talking with a stranger that could be influencing him to get into trouble or telling him things he may not be ready to hear. the best thing for middle school kid is to be involved with ativities at school as much as possible,like a team sport or an art or music group. the y has several after school programs and your local community center has to have tae kwon do or golf. i think seeing a therapist wouldnt be very smart right now with him being so young, he may look like a teenager to you but hes still a kid mentally and even though the world might treat him as so its your responsibility to guard his innocence and introduce him to the world very slowly.it sounds like you havent fully come into the role of being his "real" mother, which you most certainly are if you are there for him 24hrs7days. you need to give yourself more credit being a mom is so hard!

I would sit down and talk to him about why he is angry. Find out if he is angry with you or something/someone else. It is normal for them to go through changes but communication is the key. My oldest son is from my first marriage, his father abandoned us. After I divorced I met a wonderful man, he has been there for us ever since. We have been married for almost 19 years. For us my son felt like we were harder on him than his brothers, we were not, my oldest has always had the personality that everyone is out to get him. He started to think that his Dad who left us would be better to live with. It is easy for them to pretend that the other parent would be better since that parent does not come around and won't burst thier idea bubble about them. Could something similar to that be going on with your step son? Good Luck and God Bless

Please don't stress yourself! This is perfectly normal behavior. I'm a 6th grade teacher, with a 24 year old son and two daughters, 15 and 13. He will outgrow it, that's the good news. It will likely last awhile, that's the bad news.

Do your best not to get angry with him over it. Correct him, yes, but not out of anger. Not getting angry and not allowing yourself to be personally offended and to feel hurt by what seems like a sudden rejection is really the hardest part.

When my son was going through this phase I hung up pictures of dragons- comical ones, pretty ones, fierce ones.. and I used to lovingly refer to him as my fire-breathing teen - anything to make myself laugh about it.

I'll trade you your moody stepson for my crazed 14 year old daughter. Ok not really but he sounds very normal. My son went through periods where I was the devil and not to be spoken to. THen there were times when my husband was the enemy. We have had broken doors, holes in the wall, you name it, he destroyed it.
Hormones do crazy things to kids and boys have a "period" just like girls. They get moody and grumpy and irritable.
Has anything changed in school? Has anything changed at home with dad? Grades are coming out has he failed something?
Be firm with the rules, they may not like it but they still need parental controls at 13. Correct him on his manners, he'll get it.
Good luck as you sail through the teenage years. My eldest has become a human again and he is 20. You'll get there too.

First off, it is not you! It is his age and his mother. He is probably missing her, and no matter how wonderful you are, and he does think that, it is not the same. He is probably feeling the desertion. Let him talk about her and he will probably open up a whole new set of feelings. Get him active at your church and around more children his age, perhaps with similar situation. Let him know he is not alone in this. Best to you and God bless.

It sounds normal me. I have twins that will be 14 in a couple of months. They each go through periods when it seems like they hate the world for now apparent reason. I believe that alot of it is hormones. They don't have periods but they still are raging with hormones that they have to learn to control. As a woman it is hard to understand because we can't realize the emotions and adjustments that boy's bodies go through. I would try to do as much research about boys puberty and try to pinpoint some things that he might be going through and either get his dad to talk to him or share your research with him. He may not understand what he is going through and just seeing it pointed out may help im to deal with it beter. I would ask my kids "what is wrong with you today" or "why are you acting like that" and the would answer "I don't know." After they talked to a man about what is going on, it seemed to help. At 13 they don't exactly want to share some things with dear old mom! Good luck.

I'm in a similar situation. I have a 12 y.o step-son and my husband works long hours. He had an attitude at first(still sometimes0 and we finally had hime go to a therapist and it seemed to help. He just goes occasionally now. He still will not and never has, said thank you for anything. We tell him all the time that it is expected of him, but still, not a good response from him. Just keep trying and get him some counselling.

I have worked with teens and preteens, and this sounds about normal for a 12 year old boy. I wouldn't worry too much unless he starts acting out, or his grades start falling abnormally. When puberty come knocking, a lot of things just change. Just stay in behind him, and stay two steps ahead at the same time. It takes more effort, but he still needs you whether he knows it or not. It's also important that dad stay in behind him as well. NOW is the time that his influence is the most crucial and young men need a good role model.

Read the book "That's My Son-How Moms can influence boys to become men of character" by Rick Johnson. Excellent book and a quick read. It's so insightful. You'll learn a lot about your son and men in general and how to communicate with him successfully. Sounds like he's going through a phase that's described in the book. You gotta read it.

M.

I would consider taking him to a counselor once a week, like a psychologist or therapist. You could tell him he is older now and you want to be able to talk to someone about his biological mother. Then he could talk about any other concerns he is having also. A male therapist might be the best.

This may sounds silly, but make sure he is eating a healthy diet and taking some quality vitamins. Believe it or not, lack of certain nutrients can really affect one's attitude.

Testosterone! Welcome to puberty. Nothing you say or do will be right with him. Expect venom and violence but don't take it personally. Keep your cool and you'll be fine.

It would be good to encourage him to have a healthy physical outlet of his choice. Anything from rock climbing to soccer just to drive out some of that aggression in a positive way.

Read up, it's a long road ahead.

What you are describing is very typical of boys his age. I have a 22 yo son and when he was around 13-14 is when I thought I was going to need to whip out the Holy Water and we're not even Catholic. He was a different child than the one I'd raised. Try not to get into a confrontation with him but stay as calm as possible, which I know is not easy. It hurts, when you've poured so much into this child and he's treating you worse than he does his friends (which is very normal too).

You can find some time to talk to him about what's going on with him. I wouldn't do it face to face, boys tend to take that as confrontation and they will bring up that wall. But instead just talk while you're doing something, like riding in a car, cooking together, doing yard work, etc.

I don't know if the video comes up for you on the side bar for Jen and Barb:Mom Life (jeanandbarb.com) was perfect. It's not about you, it's just him going through puberty and change and wanting to own his space, be an individual and all those raging hormones on top it make it seem like the sweet child you sent out the door was replaced by some stranger that looks like your son but MAN.

SO:
don't take it personally
it's not an attack on you, just something he's growing through
stay calm, take the high road,
keep firm on your rules, consequences, etc.
and just let him know all the time, no matter what, you'll love him.

Hang in there, they do get over this HUGE hump in their life & return to the child/young adult you knew before. My oldest son now sees what a butt he was and has apologized many times, LOL.

Welcome to the teenage years. It is tough but it will get better. My son who is now 13 was the exact same way when he was getting close to 13, its the hormones. He still gets angry over the littlest things and has an attitude over what seems like nothing but usually he takes his out on his 9 yeat old brother. I catch some of it but it has gotten better. They seem to take it out on someone they know will still love them no matter what. The only thing I can suggest is just keep talking to him and keeping up with what is going on in his life and let him know your always there for him no matter what and that he can talk to you about anything no matter what it is and you won't get mad at him, because if you ever get mad at him for telling you something he won't tell you anything else. I hope this has helped, I will be glad to answer any other questions you may have. Good Luck!!

I remember my son doing that when he got to that age. It's disheartening because I didn't feel any different yet I was being pushed away. But his body was changing and hormones were surging and I had to understand that he was growing up and stretching into someone that even confused him. Try not to take it personal and act normal & continue to include him in everything you always did but give him alone time too. It will even out in a few years :)

hes 12 get used to it there's a long road of this ahead of you. welcome to the teen years!