Okay, so I'll preface by saying that this is kind of long and I am somewhat frustrated, but I want peoples opinions one what to do. So here is some background. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. I will be delivering the beginning of February. Right now me and my boyfriend live on a single income as he is planning to stay at home with the baby and find work he can do from home to avoid childcare costs (I make enough money for him to be able to stay at home so it is not a HUGE deal. We have to pinch pennies here and there, but we make it work out). When the baby is born, I will have been at my job for 1 year and 1 month. My company accumulates vacation and sick leave at 10 hours of each a month. The only way I can get paid while I'm on FMLA Maternity leave is to use all of my vacation and sick leave. When I have the baby, I will have just enough time to maintain my paycheck while I'm on maternity leave. When I go back I will I have 0 vacation or sick leave until I accumulate it again. For the most part its not a big deal since my boyfriend will be at home with the baby (I won't have to take off when it's sick, etc.).
Here is my dilema. I have 5 very good friends from grad school. We were an inseperable group during school and have all stayed very close since graduating. We all live in different parts of the country (literally cost to cost) and they even went so far to coordinate a gift for the baby. Two of them got engaged WAY before I got pregnant and I swore to them when I found out I was pregnant that I would be at their weddings. One wedding is in May and the other is in August of 2011. I have worked it out that I will have just enough time by each of their weddings that I can take off the appropriate amount of time. I work weekends so if I have to take off time for a wedding, it usually entails two vacation days, as Saturdays and Sundays are not my normal off days. I arranged even for me to bring the baby to each wedding (which they want me to do) and they are very excited. Well, just this past weekend another girl in our group got engaged and a fourth one has started talking about getting married in September. The one who just got engaged is planning her wedding two weeks after the other one in May. I'm feeling guilty because there is no possible way that I can make all four weddings and these last two that are getting planned are getting planned after they've only been in relationships for less then 6 months, so honestly, I didn't even have a thought about them getting engaged (the first two girls have been with their fiancees for YEARS). I'm happy that they are happy, but I can't feasibly travel to four different weddings, pay for travel expenses for all of them, get docked 4 days of work, and take a baby who is less then 6 months old with me to all of them. But, they want me to be at all of them with the baby since our group hasn't been united much since grad school ended. What do I say to them? Is there a polite way to say yes to two weddings and no to the other two? I am happy they found someone, I just honestly feel that I have to say no somewhere and don't want some girls thinking I don't value their relationships as much as the other twos relationships
Thank you everyone for your responses! I think I'm just feeling guilty because this weekend when I talked to them I was kind of getting the impression from one of them that if everyone could come to all four, why couldn't I. I am the first one of our group to have a baby and I've already stressed about them wanting me to bring him in the first place. I was much happier leaving him at home with dad while I went and saw my friends. I keep telling them that I'm scared he's going to have a difficult time being there and that it won't just be an "aww cute baby" time during the wedding with him, but rather a lot of work for me while I also hope that he doesn't scream during their vows. Dad is willing to come and is willing to leave to take care of the baby so that I can enjoy my other two friends weddings. He is very supportive and I'm very lucky. I talked to him about it today and he said the same thing most of ya'll are saying. He thinks that would understand if I explain it to them the way I have here. But, they do seem to have a limited idea of the difficulties in traveling, expenses, time that a new baby will take for me to bring him. They also are not used to the concept of my work schedule as they all have normal hours and i work weekends.
Also, to the one who suggested that I could try to work it out with my job, I thought of that (and so did one of my friends who is trying to be very convincing). But, for the ones in May, I will only be back for a month and a half when I have to take off for the first one and then having to take off again two weeks later does not reflect well. Plus, I'm the only one there doing my job at the time that I'm working (I'm a crisis counselor for a Detention Center and if I'm not at work, they have no one if something happens). They are being VERY supportive about the baby and maternity leave, but will probably not be to supportive about the immediate needs to leave four days of the second month that I'm there. Plus, if I have to get docked four days (which will be the only option) and pay for travel for three people (me, dad, and baby) I will actually accumulate a loss. Even just me going myself without him and the baby, I would still get docked and basically lose twice as much pay.
I don't know. I'm just hoping that they will be understanding when I try to explain it to them a little more in depth. I just think right now they may not be fully understanding why I'm having so much difficulty.
Oh and just to note, for anyone who might've thought differently, I don't really care how long they have been together. If they are happy and in love and want to spend their life with them then I'm happy for them. I just wasn't expecting them to get engaged at this time so it caught me off guard.
@Julie R - I do still accumulate vacation time and sick leave while I'm on FMLA leave, but I will be using it almost as soon as I accrue it, so it won't really matter. It will be only a month after my one year anniversary when he is born. They also allow for intermittent FMLA leave, but it applies to before the baby is due and afterwards for any Dr. appointments, etc. so that I'm not penalized for taking so much sick leave during the year time period. They do it on a year basis looking forward too, so I have the whole year to use my 12 weeks of time. However, I will have to stay home for an extended period of time after the babies born just to recover and while my Dr says that some women can go back pretty soon as long as there are no complications, I don't want to. It is a little selfish of me, but I work nights and weekends and will probably get VERY few waking hours with my baby once I return to work as he will be asleep when I get home most nights. I won't be able to bond and enjoy my baby as much as possible, so I am taking the full time. I told everyone that I refuse to compromise on this as it is the most time at this point that I will be able to spend with him. It is already hard enough that I won't be able to do simple things like put him to sleep at night and stuff. But, once he's born, I'm probably going to look at some other career options just so I can be on a more normal schedule with him. That is a different post though :)
Yes. Tell them what you have told us and explain that although you truly want to be there and wish them well but can not make it there so soon after the other ones. Send a nice gift and wish them well.
You know what? When we have children lots of things change in our lives.
Promises we made before children. Our beliefs before children our goals before children, what we can and cannot do, after children... It sometimes just all changes.. It is not good, it is not bad, it is what it is..
I promise, once they place your baby in your arms, you are going to have different priorities. As these events get closer, you will be able to make the decision about whether or not you CAN attend these weddings. It may be possible to attend all of them one of them or none of them..
As a parent you will be like a tree, you can bend one way or another and still be you.
Always follow your mommy heart and brain. Right now you have a goal.. Keep it till it changes. Your friends love you and will understand.. If they don't, they will once they become parents. Do not stress about this..It is really not that important in the long run. They will always be your friends. Keep your energy focused on your pregnancy right now..
Your heart is in the right place, but in reality you might not even make the two weddings you were planning on. You can't predict what will happen when you have a child, trust me. You whole life is about to change in February and while I understand having close friends, you priority is your new family. At this point, I would be honest and just tell them there is no way you can commit to any wedding next year when you are in the position you are. I am assuming you are the first of these women to have children or else these ladies would already realize this. What I would do is try and organize a get-together for all of you from this group of friends. Make it for after everyone's weddings and see if they would be willing to travel to your neck of the woods. You can plan a long girl's weekend. They could meet the baby and then plan the rest of the time for just you girls. Clear it with bf first, so he is okay with staying home with the baby. I think there would be a lot less pressure with this kind of meeting, and definitely more inline with your finances. For their weddings, send some sort of sentimental gift like a scrap-book of your time in grad school. If these are true friends for life, they will understand your situation. Make an effort to stay in contact with phone calls and cards, email. But I don't think it is realistic to think you and baby will be jet-setting around the U.S. the first 6 months of his/her life on your limited budget. Trust me that any time you are able to take off of work you will want to spend it with your SO or hiding in the bathroom to get a break and a nap in the tub! I have friends I have known since high school (so about 15 years) and we are very close still and I am the only one with a child. They are understanding of my limits and I make it a point to keep up with them even if it is just by phone monthly. All the best to you.
You have planned in advance for two of the weddings but now that you're going to be a mommy, being spontaneous is not an option most of the time. Your number one priority now is your child and what is best for him/her. Your friends will have to get over it and if they don't understand, they will when they have their own babies. I have found that there are many people who will love you when you say "yes" but get angry when you say "no." That's not your problem--it's theirs. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries to protect your family, your time, and your money.
You may very well not be able to make the 2 you were planning on... or not be able/wanting to take a baby who (at 3 months) will probably be up all hours (unless your husband comes too) and who'll probably need to eat and nap at least once during the ceremony/reception (bringing an infant to a wedding usually means only being able to stand in the back for the ceremony and then head home). And who at 6mo may well be teething (read cranky and upset the vast majority of the time) but will also most likely be very VERY active. So unless the ceremony coinsides with a nap AND they stay asleep... the ceremony may well be a bust while you stand outside consoling your infant while vows are exchanged.
Some people get very lucky with babies that can "go anywhere" but the vast majority do not. If you're planning on bringing the baby you WILL need help, and whomever helps can only count on 15-30 minutes of the festivities. If BOTH you and your husband want to be able to be active in the festivites (sit for the ceremony much less celebrate after) you'll need a THIRD person to be babysitting. And if they're sitting at the wedding (instead of at the hotel) plan on needing to attend to the baby at least 10-30 minutes of every 2 hours.
I'm ALL for bringing babies and children to weddings (yay!) but they seriously change the way that a PARENT can attend them.
All of that aside... it's a "simple" answer to your other 2 friends. The truth. You WISH you could attend, and are heartbroken that you can't, but there's no way you can afford it much less take more time off than you've already scheduled unless something totally unexpected happens in the interim.
Tell them honestly, and be upfront that you would love to be at their weddings, but you already committed to the other two and it is not financially possible for you to be at the others. I did not go to my younger sister's wedding because I had just had a baby and we have never had the money to fly. That is simply the fact of our life--we do not have any extra. Thankfully, she had a reception on the east coast that was only a day's drive away for her husband's family, so were able to drive up and stay a night at a hotel to go. You could suggest along with letting them know you can't make it that all of you try to have a girls-only get-together the following year, or something that is doable for you, to celebrate everything--weddings, babies, etc.
I also was engaged about four months after my husband and I started dating and married six months after that (civil wedding) and had our religious/family ceremony a year after our initial engagement. I still only had about 4 family members even make it--my mom, my dad, my grandfather, and my younger sister who was in the wedding. Finances are simply a fact of life and no good friend will think badly of you, although she might be a little sad.
I hope this doesn't sound awful, but in my experience so many BFF's have come and gone. Some i could have worked harder at hanging on to some, just were just wonderful for the time it lasted.
Are all four of these Girls really really super forever and ever your best friends?
In my opinion, you need to be prepared that these freindships may not last, and inconveniencing yourself, your boyfriend, your baby and your co-workers just so you don't hurt someone's feelings, probably isn't the best choice especially when they may get caught up in their own lives soon enough and not hold up their end of the bargain.
I kind of think if you promised the first two, then go and have fun, and tell the second two how much you value them and hope they understand. because true friends will.
Begin now to be able to say NO--you're going to need this word in your vocabulary. Go to the 2 that you promised if it works out--if not simply explain that you love them but are unable to afford to go with all of the new expenses. Travel long distances with a baby is not easy and often the baby will not sleep properly while you are gone or cry at the wedding. I would leave the baby home and you go an enjoy a nice weekend. Do what you can and then don't worry about it.
You've already said yes to the two weddings that were already scheduled.
Right?
Unless things change significantly,
you'll need to tell the other two you can't make it.
That you'll be thrilled to see each of them at the two weddings
you'll all be at but you cannot plan to be at the other two.
Well, yes I agree to be as honest as possible and basically tell them what you said here...but maybe there's another way?? If you are such good friends it would be sad for both parties to miss it. Is it possible to just go there yourself (for the last 2 weddings) and leave the baby at home with Dad? Maybe you could fly out Fri after work and return home Sunday morning? I don't know your job, but maybe you can be flexible and work on your days off so that you can have other days off. I know my MIL does this sometimes as her job allows her to do it when she has to travel on the weekends for vacation or whatever (her regular day off is not Saturday either). As far as them not knowing their fiances for that long, that really doesn't matter and it surely won't matter in your "argument" as to why you can't make their wedding. If you're in your 30s there is certainly no need to have a long engagement, just get it done (I just re-read that, you're 31 weeks pregnant but not 31 y/o!! LOL! But still...if you know you know and you have to be at least late 20s if you're post grad school)! I think that if you're interested in going you should exhaust all possibilities before telling them no, but if you can't go you can't go...just be honest and it will work out! Congrats on the baby!
I know this is late...but a few thoughts.
Leave the baby at home for the 2 weddings you ARE going to. No O. has fun at a wedding with a small baby...schedule is everything!
Not attending the other 2 weddings doesn't mean you're not a good friend.
Prepare to have your world rocked, as many times, babies need your "days off" as well...for many, MANY reasons. Personally I feel you're planning way to far ahead......
Good luck!
Just to add, my dear friend was unable to come to my wedding because she was across the country and I was not at all offended or hurt. I missed her but she was a poor newlywed with a baby, and I was really spacy on my wedding day anyway.
If your friends are good enough friends, surely they will understand that you won't be able to afford to go. Just make sure they understand that you love them and would go if you could.
i am glad you got lots of great advice. everyone is right, they should understand. one thing to keep in mind is, women without children have basically no understanding how things change when you have a baby. try to understand, just like your baby is your world now, (as he should be), their wedding is the center of their universe right now. that's just where they're at in their lives. i hope they don't make it too hard on you. if they do, just rest assured that once they have children of their own, they will understand better. good luck!
Well, first of all, you should accumulate vacation time while you are on FMLA the same as though you were actively at work because you are using vacation time and earned sick time for the leave. In other words, if you were taking unpaid time for the leave, you might not continue to accumulate sick and vacation time (it would be according to your employer's policies). But you are covering your FMLA with earned vacation/sick time so if other employees continue to earn vacation/sick time while on paid vacation time, your employer would have to do the same for you. Secondly, your employer may choose how the FMLA entitlement period works. It can be on a calendar year basis, a fiscal year basis (so those 2 methods would be the same for everyone) or a 12 month look forward or look back basis (these 2 would be different for everyone). On the look forward basis, it is a maximum of 12 weeks in the next 12 months beginning with your first date of leave. On the look back basis, the 12 week maximum is administered by looking back at the last 12 months. If your employer cannot identify how the 12 months work, you can take whatever is most advantageous to you - and you can take it any time in the first year after the birth of your child and it doesn't have to be taken all at one time. Of course, the travel expenses and the difficulties of traveling with an infant are still yours to consider but I wanted you to know that you might be entitled to more than you thought.
