NEED MIL / Grandparent Advise!!!!!

I do not know how old your MIL is but you are probably overloading her. After all, you made the choice to add two more kids to the mix and she had no say, so feeling she is obligated to take on part of your responsibility is unrealistic. When she babysits for other parts of the family are they unloading FIVE KIDS on her at one time? Because I am in my fifties, as your MIL probably is, and it is simply too much at once. You are pushing so she is pushing back, She knows what she can handle. Let her handle that and if you stop pushing she may come around a little, but asking her to go to classes and be your "respite" care is probably too much for an older woman, and you just need to accept that. You write a lot about your needs and nothing about hers. An older woman probably needs help herself, not the burden of five kids overnight, so be a little more realistic and a little less demanding.

Girl... I have lived this and we only have one child. MIL has always favored her daughters children. Once our daughter graduated form high school, she pulled one last deed and I was done. I tried to protect MIL from looking bad in front of our daughter, but it was obvious that things were not fair or equal. My husband and his mother even went to therapy together and she made it clear that this was her choice and saw nothing wrong with it.

You cannot change her and the only thing I can suggest is to let her know you will not allow just one daughter to spend the night away. It will have to be the 3 older ones. Or each one, but one at a time so they all get a chance to spend time with granny.

I get the feeling she has never bonded with your 2 older daughters. That may take time or may never happen. What a loss for her and them.

It could be she does not feel comfortable picking up all of those kids. I am not good with lots of kids in the car while I drive.Not even 3.. 2 is my limit and I will only do 3 if they are extremely well behaved. Never have been. I never volunteered to be a driver. The screeches, the loud laughing make me very nervous.

The only way to speak with her is through your husband. If you go and make these requests, it will look like you are the only one with the problem.

I am sending you peace and strength. It still hurts my feelings each time I hear about all of the things MIL does with her daughters children and she still does not even show as much interest in our daughter. The worst part is how it makes my husband feel, he is devastated, but still loves his mom.

P.,
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time! We too had 5 kids (one fostered to adopt.) and never did either of our folks take all 5 at once for any reason except a medical emergency once! They are 13,15,16,17 and 21 now and can stay by themselves, but my husband and I had to just bite the bullet and for about 8 years, we never went away over night. The best date night plan we had was swapping baby sitting with another mom of many. We went out one Friday night and the next I'd sit for them, with my husband keeping ours and the friends would go out. It worked great. We had two dates a month at a relatively cheap cost.
Best wishes,
K.

I ALWAYS take my daughter out to my Mother-In-Laws AND pick her up, it is about 30 mins away (so A LOT of driving, plus added time if going out of town or to work which is an hour away). If grandma is gracious enough to watch her, free of charge, for the day, night, or weekend I will do my best to make it easy on her. My MIL does not like driving on major roads, she does not work (FIL does work) and she is very happy to provide her time to watch my daughter.

If it is such a hassle for you to pick up then tell MIL that the granddaughter can only come over if MIL picks up and drops off granddaughter. I understand carting around kids is time consuming but really she is just spending time alone with her granddaughter (food, watched and so on), it is kind of selfish to say that you will not put any time or effort into supporting their one on one relationship but want MIL to put ALL the time in effort into it.

It seems that you resent MIL for not accepting your other children as her own grandkids... Just because you and hubby can do it DOES NOT mean everyone else can do it. You two are wonderful people who have decided you can handle it but do not expect ANYONE else to handle it as well as you two. So give MIL some slack on that, and if she does not take the classes, she doesn't, you can not force anyone to do anything.

I think fighting the MIL on who is picking up dropping off is going to create a riff between her, you, hubby and the granddaughter... is it really worth it??? Also if MIL just can not handle the situation of treating ALL your kids as biological grandkids DON'T push it, once again not everyone can handle that situation. I do not think you drew the short stick, personally I think it is the parents responsibility to make sure the kids have everything they need and get to the places they need to go. If the grandparents help that is nice but I would NEVER expect that and only ask once in a blue moon for them to do something like that if I really was in a bind or sick.

If you need time away then pay the money for the friend to watch the two other kids... do not expect everything to be free, just because she is family does not mean she has to take on all the responsibilities that you & hubby are taking on in your marriage. It is nice to have support but not everyone can handle giving it, stick the with friend. What you & hubby are doing is truly wonderful for all your kids in giving them a good home (both adopted, foster, own kids) it is a lot to have on your plate... I would never be able to do it so I can see where your MIL is coming from, I would be completely overwhelmed.

Hi P.,
I am going to address the first part of your situation and that is your MIL only taking the one child for over night stays. It's her choice if she only wants to spend time with the grandchild that she knows is biologically hers. I am not saying that this is correct, however, if that is how she chooses to do things, you really can't do anything about it. You may need to explain to the other children why they are not allowed to go. I know this can be hurtful but at the same time, you can't force your MIL to spend time with the other children.

When your MIL does request time with her granddaughter, you simply need to let her know that it is her responsibility to pick her up and bring her back home. If she doesn't want to do that, than she can simply come to the house and visit without any over night stays.

As far as your MIL taking care of the kids while you are away, that is not something that she HAS to do. As parents we have to realize that we are the ones that have to make the sacrifices and if that means we can't go out of town, than we simply can not go. Until you are able to find cheaper babysitting service, you may just want to consider staying in town for a quiet night with your husband.

You can't change your MIL into the grandparent that you would like for her to be, so just look for other means of help. I have a friend who gets upset with her mother because her mother doesn't always want to keep the kids when her and her husband want to go out. My friend often says "they don't make'em (grandmas) like they use too". LOL!!!

Well I think your MIL sees your daughter, your 1 biological daughter you had with her son, as being HER "only" grandchild.
So she is 'favoring' that one grand-daughter.

I don't know that you can change her construct of that.
She does not feel/see, that your other 2 daughters or the Foster children, as "her" grandchildren.
They were from another man/Husband... and foster kids are not 'hers.'
That is her mentality.... albeit not nice.

Does she favor this 1 grand-daughter in other ways?
With birthdays, Christmas etc., and exclude the other 2 girls as well?
If so, then she is blatantly 'favoring'.
Of course it is not fair.... nor nice.
And she actually does NOT want to do any training, for foster care, either. She is not feeling connected with that emotion nor responsibility nor empathy for it. She does not want to.

You cannot 'make' her feel connected to your other 2 daughters nor to the foster kids.... as you & your Husband do.

So yes, although your expectations are normal human wishes... your MIL cannot feel those emotions. Nor wants to. Nor is able to.
So yes, you cannot "expect" her to be on the same page about it... as you and your Husband are.

I would not... allow only your 1 biological child with your Husband... to be put into this ordeal. I am sure the other ousted kids... feel negativity from it all. Not good. Nor fair to them either. They are not "loved" the same way, by your MIL.
It will create problems for all your children... too. And impact them. Sadly.

But it is also a great deal of expectation... to expect MIL/grandma... to have ALL 5 kids over at her house. That is too much to manage for most adults... let alone an elderly. ONE elderly woman.

And yes, your friend being a "trained" babysitter for you/Hubby, is great. That is a great deed, she is doing for you and your Husband. And to be compensated for it and the training she had to go through... it is only fair that she is paid that.

Also, sure, LOTS of Grandparents do what you described... but it is not their choice sometimes. If you talk to the Grandparents themselves (which I do), they OFTEN will vent about how they "have to" do these things... because the parents of their Grandchildren, don't give them s choice nor even consider their own lives or health problems or mobility problems or endurance or gas money and driving. So, even though they may do these things... it is not 'always' because they LOVE doing it... and they often feel burdened or too fatigued... but they do it anyway.. because for them, otherwise they may not get to see their grandkids... and they are just a babysitter. Or, the parents are just too busy... to do it themselves and the Grandparents don't want to see their Grandkids to not be able to do these things.

all the best,
Susan

It is sad for your family that your MIL doesn't have a good relationship with all her grandchildren, but I think it is wrong for you to expect her to take care of all five of your kids so you can take a weekend away. With 2 in carseats, that is a lot of responsibility and she may just not be up to or feel confident to manage all the kids at one time. How old are 2 oldest kids? Did she establish a relationship with them before your daughter was born? One on one time with grandparents is a good idea, but she should also be including your older children. I think I would have hubby discuss this with her and even help her plan a weekend with the older child or children.

Your MIL doesn't want to be a respite care giver. She doesn't have the guts to tell you that to your face so she cancels from the classes at the last minute. To be honest you have to look at it from her point of view; she didn't sign up to be a foster parent, you did. She didn't agree to watch other people's children, you did. And she may or may not accept these children once you've adopted them.

Your mil probably feels like she's raised her children and now she doesn't need to do anything more to help out. I would not allow her to take only 1 out of 5 children for a sleep over. It's 5 or zero. If you continue to let this happen it'll build resentment.

My nephew married a woman with 2 children and they had a son together. My sister in law and her hubby take all 3 children all the time. Her parents will only take the children from her first marriage leaving the youngest one out every time. Mike and Rita finally decided that enough was enough so now when the grandparents are leaving with only 2 in the car Rita runs out with Mikey's stuff and says 'You forgot 1! It's all or nothing.'

My mother in law lives half way across the country and when my youngest was born they lived across the state. They came up to see all of us. They did not pay much attention to my oldest just the baby. Granted it was in a resteraunt setting but still my son at 3 wanted some attention. Next time they where coming up I told my husband to talk to her and tell her she needed to give them equal attention and love or I would take my kids and leave. That was going to be at Thanksgiving. She did not realize that she had done that and felt really bad. I think your husband needs to talk to her and tell her all these kids are his! Regardless of DNA. And that if she can not treat them equal she will not have any of them. If he adopted your oldest they are his!!!!!!!!! And you are both working to adopt the others. If she does not respect that she does not need to take any of them. I am not saying take them all at once cause 5 kids is a lot but rotate them.

Good luck and God bless.

How fair is it for your family that your MIL "favors" one child over another? And how long is too long for it to happen?

My ex MIL obsessed about my son from a previous marriage until my daughter came along, then my son became non existant. I moved out of state.

If your MIL separates the kids like that how is it healthy for the ones left behind? Frankly, it's not.

I would make sure the MIL takes all the kids at one time or another or not at all. And when she did...she would either come and get or drop off.

I am all for keeping the peace but at what expense?

Good luck to you and your family.

ps: I get that you want to keep your marriage healthy and all that, but your MIL didn't have your kids, you and your husband did. I also have NEVER had a MIL or a grandparent want to be a part of my children's life...so the fact that you guys get out AT ALL should be viewed as a blessing.

Fraid so my gal...yoou drew the short stick. Your MIL will not change so the only thing you can do is get on with your life the best way you can. Keep inviting her to your place and maybe one day she will come and take time to meet the other kids and get to know them as well as the only one she wants to "touch". So sorry you have to pay extra for your respite helper-maybe someone will come into your lives in the future to help-have you looked for some trading with other parents? Ask at the foster care prgrams if they know of anyone wanting to meet for helping each other. Print this out and show it to your MIL-or better yet save the trip and mail it to her. Sorry I just have not found anyone who feels like that changing their "colors". Hope you will be the first to prove it wrong. There must be folks out there feeling like you and needing to get away occasionally-keep looking they are in the same place you are and you will end up with a whole new outlook when you all find each other-keep talking it up and they will be there. Good luck and Great work for all your family! (not the MIL)

I was married the second time and our parents treated our children different. On our honeymoon his parents took his one daughter and my parents took my two kids. I do not remember my mom giving his kids a thing but his parents always got gifts for my two children. Then he wanted a divorce and I had his mom and step daughters and step grandkids to my home for a last Christmas with little gifts I had bought over the year. Not a lot, his mom went through the house oh I remember this and that pointing to all that he has spoken for in the divorce. He was building a case against me. His sister wanted to come for a visit and then nothing happened after I did a ton of house cleaning and yard working. I never knew why then found out by my ex ( one of girl friends) that he told them I was in a bad mood and not to come. I was looking forward to having them. I had a new home all decorated and proud of it. He had to find a way to make me look bad because why would he leave me. I was shocked he wanted out. But not so shocked when he married two months later and even better he was not happy there and wanted out after 4 mos. My mom and my grandma have always had favorites. My brother had a daughter out of wedlock and he got her very young and they lived with my parents. She was her favorite over my daughter who acted up as a teen. Then my granddaughter who was also born out of wedlock to my son and her mom feels she is not loved by my mom. My mom favors the granddaughter that lived with her because she did not have a good mom around. I was favored by my grandma because I was the oldest and the one who made her a grandma. So I think confronting her would just create hard feelings. I would tell her I can not come get her and not let her go. You can come and stay here if you want to. But it is hard to deal with and kids know. So hurtful to those on the not favorite side. G. W

Since you have younger kids with you, ask your MIL if she wants to have one of the children to stay over night with her, would she might to pick up and drop off ; if not, then your child can't come. Just remember, MIL often favors her daughter.... even among the children, she will always have her favorite.