Need Help Nicely Declining Advice.

I know people like that and honestly, just because she has 2 doesn't mean she is smarter than you. I too research everything about parenting, cooking, health, and so on. You need to just politely say to her "I appreciate you trying to help me, but if I want advice I will ask for it." Or, you could just pretend like you aren't hearing her and then eventually she will get the hint. You will always meet people like this, so you need to learn how to deal with it now. I know it's hard, but she's being rude.

My favorite reply to butt-insky advice is "Hey, the kid's gotta have something to complain about in therapy when he is 30!" It really bugs my mom especially but shuts her up pretty quick too! it also is funny so it keeps things from getting tense. Smile & nod is a good method too...

I have been in your position, and suffered over other people's opinions for years. I have gradually gotten over that (usually) by learning:

People "teach" what they themselves need to learn;

People criticize others when they feel disempowered about themselves, but are afraid or unable to acknowledge it;

People generally believe they mean well, even if they are unknowingly expressing envy, hostility, or desperation;

People are generally blind to their own faults and annoying habits;

I can actually enjoy other people's quirks and habits when I remember that I would enjoy watching a comedy with these irritating people in it;

I have annoying habits and quirks, too (d'ya think?), and I depend on my friends to tolerate and forgive me;

I can't change anybody else. Ever. I can barely change myself, and that only with much attention and effort;

If I am hurt by someone's criticism, it may well mean something in it is true. Or that I am afraid it's true. If it's not at least partly true, it probably won't bother me;

I can just say "Thanks for the advice – I'll consider it!" sincerely and cheerfully. Then consider it. Then simply let it go if it's not appropriate for me;

If I let people's advice get to me, I'm surrendering control of my thinking to random circumstance. I can almost always be happier than that!

Could you try to "redirect" the conversation - you know, maybe something like "Gosh, I feel that as parents we're always talking about our kids and we forget about our own needs. So how have *you* been lately?" Especially since your friendship pre-dates your kids by several years, she might find it a welcome diversion to talk about something other than kids. If the conversation drifts back to child-rearing advice, maybe try setting some light-hearted boundary, like "I'm going to play this CD that we used to listen to before we had kids, and we'll try to keep the conversation on non-kid topics for X number of songs".

Also, it's quite possible that when her twins were babies, she heard plenty of well meaning 'advice' from parents of singletons that wasn't very feasible to do with two (as a mom of twins myself, I know it's a common phenomenon ;-)) and is feeling the need to vent/be on the dispensing end of the advice.

Having 2 really is harder...try it! Sounds like you're harboring some resentment. Next time she says something, just say we obviously have different parenting techniques, and I respect your opinion. Obviously you think you're right and so does she, so neither one of you are going to get anywhere,so just respectfully disagree w/ each other.

If you want to keep her in your lift then you've got to keep quiet. Think about it, there's nothing that you could say to her that wouldn't greatly offend her or change her habit of saying "well I have two." Besides, what mom doesn't like to share what works for them? Just like all the other (unwanted) advice you probably got from your mom, MIL, aunties, grandma's and random women in the grocery store, just smile, say thanks and move on no matter how annoying it is.

My suggestion would be simply to validate her thoughts. When she gives you some piece of advice say "I can see how that would be neccesary/preferred by you since you have two, but having one is totally different and I find 'this' to work better for me". or "I dont need to concern myself with that cuz I only have one, but I can see how that would affect your life". We all know that having one child is as challenging and rewarding as having two, twins, or many. You are a good Mom and dont let her tell you otherwise. being Mommy and making all the right choices is a hard job that we all do in our own way. If you really feel insulted by her, then tell her that. Let it all out and you will both have a stronger friendship for it.

I'm just guessing here, but you don't have kids yet, do you?

Take a deep breath. It's very easy to judge other people's children and choices when you don't have any of your own yet. I remember thinking that I would never, NEVER use the tv as a babysitter. HA! Until the first time I needed to get ready for work and my daughter was flailing around on the floor screaming, and Baby Einstein videos gave me the 10 minutes I needed to throw clothes on and get out the door! I'm laughing as I write this, because it's hysterical to me the things I used to think before I had kids. My kids will NEVER talk back to me! I'm going to have a drug-free delivery! I'm going to teach my kids sign language and speak to them in French! I'm never going to give them formula! I'm going to make all of my own baby food from organic vegetables! (Crying, I'm laughing so hard now... oh man, wiping tears from my eyes!)

Annnnyway, just realize that when you have a newborn, and a toddler, and a Terrible Two, you will go through things (yes, you will!) that will make you crazy in ways you can't imagine right now. You will think to yourself, "Will this @#(%& baby EVER sleep through the night?" And your friend, who has been through this twice, will tell you, "Yes! Here's what I did that helped!" And you will be SO GRATEFUL not to be bumbling through this alone. Even if you hate her advice and discard it immediately, there is comfort in knowing that others have been through it and lived through it, and their kids are ok. (Even if they are behind! LOL) If I have learned anything in the past ~8 years of mommying, it's that you should take all well-meaning advice. What you do with it is up to you, but people give the advice because they did it, maybe did it wrong, and don't want you to make the same mistake they did! Why reinvent the wheel, right?

And trust me when I tell you, at some point you will have to bite your tongue when some mommy of a newborn says to you, "He just won't sleep at night!" And you're going to know what works, but you'll wonder if you'll seem overbearing if you just give her the one sentence of advice that will get that baby sleeping through the night... I'm just sayin' ;-)

It is hard to deal with a "friend" who seems to have a need to feel l superior by giving unsolicited advice. If you really want to keep her in your life and do not feel like telling her to stop giving the advice, you still have your own right to just ignore what she says. You might find some of it helpful if her children are older. She may be telling you to do what she does, just to make herself a little more secure.

You could try just smiling and saying , "oh how did that work for you?" or just "oh" or "ah" and no comment.Or ask where she got that information or advice. She might want to have a discussion which of course she would like to win. You might want to tell her your sources of information.

All parents want to do the best possible for their children and of course we hope that all other parents also do well with their own children . We want our children to grow up in a world with other well adjusted happy generous kind helpful people.

Don't feel insecure about your own judgement just because she is your friend. Have the confidence to do what your research and your own good judgement tells you is the correct thing and when she gives advice, keep the conversation about her choices and her twins and don't let her make it about your child.

Good luck with your parenting and enjoying your child!!

Dear A.,
Being a mom isn't easy no matter how many kids you have at a time. Experiences are our own and unique even if we have more than one child years apart.
It sounds to me like you both are a little aggravated by each other. You don't necessarily think she does things right and she apparently doesn't think you will do things right so maybe just agreeing to disagree on the subject of child rearing and leaving it out of your conversations is an option.
I have relatives and friends I've known for 30 years who were sending me every political e-mail to hit the internet. I literally just told them, "Listen, I love you very much, but please don't trouble yourself with sending me the political stuff because I won't even read it. There will be nothing for us to discuss or agree or disagree about because I just delete it. It's BECAUSE I love you that I don't want politics entering into anything between us. How has aunt Margaret been since her surgery?"
I was polite as possible in trying to convey that it was ME who wasn't comfortable entering into territory that I knew might cause an unhappy discussion then tried to redirect it. And, you might just need to do that with your friend as well.
You can be friends and have certain things that are simply off limits as far as discussing.
The other thing you can do, simultaneously, to put an end to the subject is just say you agree with her on one final point....having twins is so much harder on her, you will never know how difficult it is unless it actually happens to you, she has twice the work, twice the worry, twice the duty. There. You said it. You validated her point. Time to move past it and you don't want to be reminded of it. Time to move ahead.
I've been a single mom for a long time and raised two children by myself. I've been through just about every calamity you can possibly imagine economically and healthwise. Still, I try to remain positive for the sake of my own sanity and I try to stay positive for others. I have a friend who I love dearly but some days I can't take the complaining and the "pitiful me" stuff. She has a committed husband with an excellent job so she stays home, he comes home everyday for lunch, they have beautiful vehicles, healthy children, and some days she is bound and determined to convince me her life is so much harder than mine. Some days I know she's just venting because we all have problems, but dang. I'm not about to get into a who's life is more pathetic contest with her.
Some days, I just agree with her. And it usually shuts her up. I know that sounds mean, but I say I know how hard it must be to have a husband who works within walking distance and is home every night and every lunch hour and helps you get things done. It must be hard getting in a new truck and going out in the rain to pick your kid up from school. 3 blocks away. It must be hard going out of town to do shopping because there isn't anything great around here.
It can be validation or it can also be a way of mirroring that sounds completely ridiculous when your own words are coming from someone else's mouth.
I haven't had it easy, but I also know that many, many people have it much worse and I would rather be thankful for that than spend my energy comparing who actually has it tougher. To me, that is not an uplifting component of friendship or daily interaction with others for that matter.
Babies don't come with an instruction booklet, and even if they did, the children can't read or understand them anyway. And every manual would be different in the first place.
If you want to continue to be friends with this person, I think you should just tell her that there are certain things that will have to remain off limits between you and that includes how you go about raising your children or comparing who does what or how or who has it harder.
Niether of you should nit-pick each other.
Friendship is a mutual thing and not a contest.
It certainly shouldn't be based on who has it rougher or who is right or wrong.
That's just my humble opinion.

How about if you say something like "Have you ever heard of this technique____?" Or, "Good idea, but another friend just told me this____". Also, you could try mentioning how neat it is that the twins have each other, and just ask her about the benefits of having twins. That might get her off of saying how hard it is? Good luck. I know people love to share their insight, but I agree, it can be grating. And yes, some of the reasearch I did before I had kids was way off of the mark, but some of it was right on and really helped me! My best advice for ANY parent, is go with your gut. You will generally know what is right for your child, and you will find yourself searching out advice if you are unsure. Enjoy that new baby!

I think you simply need to be honest, but in a nice way. If you don't want her advice, don't share things that she will feel compelled to give you advice about. If you share something and she shares a different view with the "well I have 2," simply state that you appreciate how different your child-raising experience is and that you have researched things that led to your decision.
Having children can completely change a personality. Part of the problem may be that she does realize her own children are "delayed" and embarassed. She may feel that your choices being different than what she did is a way of telling her she did something wrong.
All you can do if you really want to keep your friendship is be open and honest with your friend. Share your feelings when she says that your decisions are "wrong" or "try since you've only got 1 and it'll be easier." But also share how much your friendship means to you and how important it is.
Good luck with whatever choice you make!

Im sorry your going through this. I agree with Debbie's comment. Why are you friends with her still if this is how she treats you? I have a friend I have known for 35yrs. We met at the age of 5. Our families have done EVERYTHING together. We also have 2 boys each between us all 4months apart. Since she became a mom the first time, my first son is 4months older then her first son. We did EVERYTHING together till she had a baby.Then she lost it since becoming a mom. It made me so sad because we were like sisters till then. People change and you can't change them. However, she never gave me advice on how to be a parent. Like children, they are all different. Being a mom is a lot of work and sometimes it changes us in ways we don't realize. Im still good friends with my girlfriend, just on different levels now. Im like you, i get tired of the unsolicited parenting adivce. OMG!!!! I was taught to treat others they way you want to be treated. The stuff that comes out of mother's mouths is unreal. Your friend sounds draining and I would cut off my friendship and just not get together as much. Maybe she will get it then. Tell her your busy, etc.Being a parent is enough work, why have a friend if she is added stress? If she asks, then tell her why, nicely. How it hurts your feelings. I have a friend who has 2 sets of twins and she doesn't even act like a mom. So I have the other side of the problem. Doesn't pay attention to them in the room and let's them do whatever. When you see her it looks like she never changed diapers in her life or acts like she doesnt have children. like they are trophies. . I feel like im 80yrs old half the time taking care of my 2 boys. Lucky to wash my face and put on clean clothes. It is what it is and you need to make YOU happy. If someone is not supportive, then its time to find new friends. A friend to me is someone who is your rock and is there through thick and thin. Not judge or put you down. It takes 2 to be friends, not be the expert in parenting and judge your skills. Someone to have a good time together and laugh together. Not make you feel like your at a job being reviewed. It is not worth it to me. Hang in there.

SAHM with 2 VERY busy little boys.

When she gives you advice just say, "that's interesting, I'll think about that."

That's all you need to say.

Also, I agree with Toni's advice, below. You could do that, and then when your friend continues with advice, just say what I said.

I think you may want to let her know that you value her friendship and honesty and she's a good mom but you're overloaded on advice on child rearing from friends and family and would prefer not to receive advice unless you ask for it. Then it doesn't appear that it's just her advice you're tired of hearing and she's less likely to take offense. Good luck.

A. Rose,

No real nice way to tell someone who feels they know best.

Being a first time mother is and should be a wonderful experience. If you have been friends for nine years, surly there must have been things you have disagreed upon.

You’re going to have to “grow a backbone” and simply say, “you are a dear friend, my best friend so I say this to you with love”. I want to care for my baby my way. If I need or want guidance I will ask. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings. I think you are a good mother and take very good care of your twins on your own. I want that same experience”.

If you can’t say this in person, write a little note or send email. In person is best (more honest approach). Be brave.

If she gets it great, if not it’s time to see less of each other and make new friends with other moms experiencing motherhood for the first time.

Blessings…

I have different friends in different "slots" in my life. I have "spiritual" friends, friends for family/kid/wife stuff, friends for lunchdates/grownup time, etc. Put her in the slot that she fits in, and don't talk to her about your choices or problems with your children. I've come to firmly believe that if I don't want to take someone's advice on something, I won't mention it to them to begin with. If she's fun to go to lunch with or talk about daily bits, do that but just keep the kid talk to a minimum. She may need to talk to you about this, and you can listen to her vent or whatever, but keep your ideas/questions to those that are more like-minded if you aren't interested in her advice. I have a "friend" who used to drive me nuts because she'd have these ideas that I considered completely doofy regarding child raising. I have learned that we can talk about lots of things, and recognizing she has a total lack of support at home I do sit quietly while she sometimes vents, but I absolutely do not ask advice or talk about deeper things regarding my boys because I'd just hear the excuses that make me mad (well, you just have 2.....well, your life is easier because your husband has a good job.....well, ETC). kinda feel sorry for her. but not enough to deal with that. so, she's a great lunch, walk-around-the-block, and sit-with-at-church kind of friend, but that's about all.

I have the same problem with a friend of mine that I have known for 30+ years. I have two children, age 16 and age 20 (severely developmentally disabled) and she is just now having kids. I have found that it is easier to listen and just let it go in one ear and out the other than to confront her. I have tried both ways but she gets really defensive if I do anything other than agree with her unless she is actually asking for advice. All you can do is accept her the way she is or cut off the relationship. I wish I had more advice but nobody can change another person. You can only change how you react to that particular person.

I guess I have to ask ... why do you want to stay friends with her? Is it just because you've been friends for 9 years? People change, different sides of them come out (like when they become parents) ... Friendships should be based on respect, and I don't see much here. Doesn't sound like you really enjoy being friends.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel, how the criticism makes you feel. Gosh ... it's hard enough being a new mom without having your so-called best friend telling you everything you're doing wrong.

Good luck!

As a person who absolutely hates unsolicited parenting advise I can sympathize. There is not one person on this planet than knows your child better than you. Period. And I would tell your friend that in the nicest way possible. When she starts telling you how to parent your child I would just tell her that your glad that works for her and her kids but it doesn't work for you. I would also tell her that you appreciate she is trying to be helpful but you would really rather not have all your interactions with her be critiques of your parenting style. Unless your child is behaving dangerously, your actions are causing danger for your child or her behave is bad enough to affect everybody around her nobody has a right to tell you how to parent.