Need Help Getting My Daughter to Focus

HI there,

It sounds like she has the "inattention" piece of ADD and maybe hyperactivity. I would move immediately to address it, and ask her school for educational evaluations, which will include ADD.

My 9 year old son was just the same and we just finished a program called Interactive Metronome, which you can easily look up on the web. Research has shown it's effective for ADD. There is an Occupational Therapy practice in Farmington CT which does a great job with it which you can also find on the IM website. Good luck!

Hi Suzanne,

I two have 2 girls, one 13 and one 10. My 10 year old last year was the same way.. she is ver y bright, but was a battle to get her to sit down and get her homework done even when it was simple homework. SHe knew my rule is homework is first when you get home yet for some reason she tested that last year. I also realized her issues were only severe when she was hungry. So I always had a healthy snack ready for her when she got home and on fridays she got something a little sweet. It made homework time MUCH easier. She would get a moment to unwind with a snack and then would get right to her homework.

As far as morning and other tasks, we also had to reinstate sticker charts, but we worked on a whole day point system... one point per day and once she had 10 points she could get a new webkin and log it on the computer (these things are like gold to her).

Thankfully, she seems much better this year and we are happy that she gets her clothes ready the night before and is very prepared in the morning so it is not a fight. Lists are always good, as they can just look at a morning list and know what their regular routine is and if they have everything they need. I had talked to many friends last year about this and it did seem a lot of the girls go through this. Good luck! A.

Suzanne,
Have you asked her what she thinks might help her to remember things? If she is as creative as you say then she might just be able to come up with some great ideas. It gives her the option to help you figure it out and not feel like your are being mean. I have a 10 year old Who since she was able to express how she was feeling and had issues I have included her in the idea dept. She loves the sticker charts (she is nonverbal learning disabled, so the chart is a visual thing) maybe she might want some thing simpler. The possablilties are endless when they use their creativity. My daughter has memory issues and can only handle 2 step directions and that is with her full attention. The homework issue, maybe if you are doing some thing with her if you can even if it is allowing her to read a story that she may have for homework to you out loud. Or even maybe if you pic up a magazine and sit near her while she does her homework. It seems silly at times but after about a week maybe less she will just start in and may begin to remind you. Hope this helps.

This is such a complex issue and you will get lots of responses on all kinds of things. The concentration games is always a good idea to build brain connections, but choose carefully. Scrabble and Sudoku are great, but require some concentration over time. Something like Connect Four or Sudoku for Kids can be completed sooner - I would not set her up for a long game that will frustrate her and give her one more thing she didn't finish.

Before you go down the road of ADD testing and the issue of drugs, have you considered Reliv's wonderful product, "Now for Kids"? It's a patented nutritional product from a company that has been highly reviewed by major business publications and honored for its humanitarian work. The kids' product not only gives optimal nutrition, it helps tremendously with focus by including just the right ingredients in the right proportion, including DHA which is brain food. Kids have had phenomenal results with focus and many never went on ADD meds, or got off the meds they were on. I'd love to talk with you more, and let you talk to other parents whose kids have had these results. It's not a fad or a scam - the company is 20 years old and the Science Director is Dr. Carl Hastings, world renowned for nutrition and food science, and a member of the original team who developed Enfamil and ProSoBee infant formulas, trusted by millions for 30 years. Get back to me if you want a simple and safe product which may help your daughter as well as boost her immune system and keep her from getting sick! You can give it to both kids for improved health! Love to speak with you!

My kids are much younger but I have a teenage big sister from big brothers big sisters. She has HORRIBLE focus problems. I try to chunk her homework out so she can focus better. Maybe if your daughter knew she was only sitting down for 10 minutes she could get motivated to do it? That's one idea. Also, I was a bit like your daughter growing up in terms of the sports. I played the clarinet for years & it was great for me. Musical instruction develops concentration as much as strategy games. I would encourage her to take a muscial instrument, especially if she's asking to do it. It may really build her confidence.

Suzanne,
If your daughter also has a hard time focusing at school perhaps you should look into ADD. Often children with ADD are extremely intelligent but just cannot focus. There are many ways you can treat ADD and other focus related problems without medication. She may have a vitamin or enzyme deficiency or she may be in the early stages of puberty and have raging hormones. A lot of this depends on when you started to notice the problems you describe and whether she is easily distracted or if she simply cannot focus. It could also be memory related. The first things I would evaluate would be her eating and sleeping habits. If she is eating a healthy well balanced diet and sleeping well then I'd start to look at other areas of her life to see if there are any specific triggers. Try to make sure she isn't eating a lot of food coloring (high levels of artificial coloring is found in many kid related foods such as colored yogurt, candy and sugary drinks). Also try some memory building techniques to see if that will help. An incentives chart of "fuzzy jar" can do wonders to help children realize that you have equal expectations of them and that they receive equal rewards.

Make sure the instruction you give your children is very clearly communicated. Try not to use phrases like "don't do that", instead try "do not kick the cat".

After you've tried these things if you are still noticing that she is having difficulty talk to your Dr. to see if he can refer her to be evaluated by a child psychologist for ADD or other focus related disorders. If your child is found to have ADD or another focus related or learning disorder they see if certain therapies are available for her before trying medication. (I'm not against medication, I just feel it is over prescribed and that when possible children should be educated on how to deal with their difficulty before medicating them. In some cases though children need to be medicated for a short period of time in order to comprehend the therapy they receive and slowly transition to being unmedicated).

It is important to remember that every child is very unique and grows and matures at their own rate and in their own way. Providing your children with stability and by communicating clearly with them you can give them an environment that will help them flourish.

Hope it goes well :)

I am in the same situation and saw many similarities in other's responses. My son is 10 and in 5th grade. He is currently attending Huntington Learning Center to bring him up to grade level in a number of subjects. He has to go there for two hours, two times a week. Therefore, homework needs to be completed in an even shorter amount of time. Last night he had 21 addition problems. He had the ability to do them fairly easily, but it took us hours to complete the assignment. He gets distracted by the dog, by his thoughts, you name it. We took the work with us in the car and he made slight progress on the way to tutoring and on the way home. But at 8:00 when we got home he had only finished less than 10 of them. I sat down next to him and read the problems out loud, one column at a time. We got through them in less than a half hour, but I had to keep bringing his attention back to the task.
At his first conference at Huntington, it was suggested we have him looked at for his lack of focus. It has been brought up twice in school - 2nd and 3rd grade - but after evaluation (by the school and myself) he was not deemed in need of school services. Sorry to drag this on - but in fact tomorrow he has an appt with his ped. for initial diagnosis of ADD or lack of focus. We live in Torrington, CT and I am interested in the response regarding the program in Farmington.
I would like to keep this topic open and see how others are progessing. I would be happy to add to this tomorrow after our appointment. I am also interested in diet changes and have heard many success stories based on changing diet habits. Does anyone have input on that?
M.

I thought your were talking about my 8 year old son there for a minute. I was the same way when I was younger (and I guess I still am) I like Denise M's response. I'm a dreamer as well.
Kids are who they are and I don't think there's a whole lot to do about it (but we can sure drive ourselves nuts by trying lol) I think sometimes working with your child's characteristics rather than working against them is key (as much as it drives us crazy). My mom used to get after me all the time about being forgetful. It didn't help....I still am. As an adult, I've tried to work on it, writing things down, try my hardest to follow through with things, basically now it's all good, but when I do forget, and get frustrated, I try to accept that as a part of who I am. Maybe she'll grow out of and maybe she won't. All we can do as mothers is to try our best and love our children unconditionally and for who they are.
Good luck to you and your daughters:)

This sounds a lot like my 8 1/2 yr old daughter. How does she do in school? Do her teachers think she's easily distracted there as well? Last spring, my daughter's school did a lot of testing on her and the results showed signs of an attention disorder. She doesn't have the hyperactivity, it's more her mind that she can't slow down and keep focused. She lags behind a little in math, reading and her handwriting is not great which are all tasks which require a lot of concentration and focus. At home, I repeat things to her constantly and she still usually only gets parts of it. It can definitely get frustrating. We took her to our pediatrician for more evaluation and ended up putting her on a med called Focalin for a trial period. Her teachers said the difference is night and day. I initially was against the medication and agreed to just try it, but I can't argue with the results. Knowing my daughter is wired differently than my son has helped me be more patient with her and teach her differently than I would my son. I understand that she can't always help herself. My advice would be to make an appointment with her doctor and get his/her opinion. Good luck!

Dear Suzanne,

Your daughter is a daydreamer. She'll make a great writer.
Please don't get discouraged. You describe me.
I'm still like this at 39 years old.

She's a deep thinker. That is why she forgets things.
She's thinking of other things.

I had a similar problem the other day with my own daughter
with her home work. I simply took my own work and sat
next to her while she did hers. It did the trick and she finally
got it done after many morning reminders (it was Saturday).

I wonder if you could get her evaluated at a place like Project CHILLD in Beverly. It doesn't necessarily sound like she has a learning disability but may have some trouble with executive functioning (short term memory, task follow through) - there are listening programs and brain-training therapies that help a ton with this! Do some research on executive function defecits and see if you think this fits her.

There are lots of techniques used to help kids with ADD/ADHD that you might use with your daughter. Start by making sure she's looking at you and into your eyes when you ask her to do something. Only give her one thing at a time instead of a list of things to do. Make sure she comes and finds you when she's done the one thing you've told her to do so that you can move on to the next thing. Breaking down the homework into smaller chunks is something to try. Let her know that she can take a break in between. Set a timer so she's not focused on the clock. Also make sure that if there are things that she hasn't finished that you call her back to finish them up. Eventually she'll get sick enough of that she'll start remembering to finish.

Also make sure that she's getting lots of protein in her diet. Carbs really make it hard for kids with attention issues to focus. A good breakfast of protein can work wonders.

Suzanne, Thanks for asking this question. You are a Godsend! I don't have much advice to give because I am in the identical situation with my 11 yr old and my 6 yr old daughters. From the toilet flushing to the "you love her more than me" is exactly what my life has been. I like what Robyn F. said about techniques used to help kids with ADD/ADHD. My 11 yr old is ADHD as well as Sensory Processing Disorder. So on top of her inability to focus, she also has an under developed nervous system which results in her body not being able to filter out common distractions: Loud noises, bright lighting, crowded rooms...these send her into orbit and cause meltdowns that are just heart wrentching. Robyn's entry was an excellent reminder of how to better assist our girls with their focus challenges. Although, my daughter is medicated for her condition, I do use the stradgies she mentioned like making eye contact when speaking to her. Breaking down her homework into segments and using a timer. Giving her breaks is difficult at times because her meds wear off by evening and there is a small window of time for us to get her homework completed. A break sometimes results in her shutting down and not being able to finish the task. But giving her inscentives like 1/2 hr of computer time before dinner helps her to get though. So, my heart feels your pain. It's a good thing we have Mamasource to share our frustraions with and work out our woes. Blessings to you! ~C. B.

Before assuming there is something wrong check out Kolbe.com
They have an index you can take to learn how you accomplish things best.
I'm a quick-start. I'm great at starting things. On my profile I have almost no follow-thru. I don't finish things. Never have. It is occassionally painful to finish a project, or especially a book! I'll try to keep something going for as long as posible so that it doesn't end.
Everyone has a way that they will do things. Their own natural rhythm. If hers and yours are opposites it could be very frustrating communicating with each other.
Take the index yourself, have her take it.
I use Kolbe at work. I have no affiliation with it. It's just a really great tool.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
C.

Hi there,
I haven't read all of the responses, so sorry if I repeat.
Make sure she has a calm space with as little distractions as possible to do HW in. Do not require her to do all work at once, break it into sections with short meaningful activities in between (snack, outside, conversation w/ you, etc.)
Write out her routines and post them where she is most likely to see them.
As a 4th grade teacher, I know that it's a hard year for some b/c work load and responsibility is ramped up, and some kids have a harder time with that than others. Some are the opposite and worry about every little thing and work them selves into a frenzy too, so the grass isn't always greener...
Talk with her teacher. See if there's he/she is noticing the same things and try to come up with a plan that is consistent in both places.
Most of all, let her know that everyone is different, every one has weaknesses, but everyone has strengths too! Point out what her strengths are often and guide her to improve her weaknesses.
Goodluck!

My kids have attentive problems too, but they are getting better..., better as soon as I get focused. I recommend PowerBrain Yoga for all kids with attention deficit!
My story:
I personally struggled with starting things when I was a child, except things that were attractive, exciting and meaningful to me, but now I recognize that focusing on those things that stimulated my brain and kept me in alive and energetic state were a must for my nature.
When my family moved to the US 12 years ago from Ukraine I understood the other MUST for me - learning a new language. It was extremely difficult, with my high energy and not great attention, and brought many depressive thoughts. So to get a positive mood I started practice DahnYOGA and it happened that the instructor recommended me to go to Brain Education training(PowerBrain Yoga). They didn't explain much about it, they said, it's gonna be good for you.
And it was! I came from training different. I think the program is amazing! I got better focus, concentration and organizational skills. The program includes gentle yoga stretching, brain stimulating exercises and finger exercises for focus, and breathing techniques to learn how to relax and recharge your energy. It helped me so much not only with my English, but in all areas of my life. I loved it and became an instructor and teach those techniques to my children and in schools as a part of enrichment programs. Kids like this program! I would teach your daughter too, but Vermont is kind of far from us. If you want to learn those techniques for yourself and then to teach your daughter, you can go for 2-days BE workshop in Newton, MA or to NY (I don't think that there are
places in Vermont where PowerBrain classes are) or you can send her to a kids camp where they practice those exercises, HSP camp in Ellenvile, NY. If you get interested or have any questions email me, I have my own website where you can find more info. And I think you got many good suggestions from others too. Just Do IT and good luck! A.

The homework thing in my house is always a screaming match but my son realized once he's home the work mode has gone completely. Our school offers to stay after to complete things for 3 nights a week, leaving 1 for me to deal with. So my son has that as part of his 504 as a manditory stay after all 3 nights. I use to have him on medication b/c I felt pressured by the school. So recently I took him off and got a lot of comments about it from the school but they can't force me to do anything of the like. I have found that an Omega 3,6 &9 is a big help and he takes 2 every morning, plus after visiting a natural store I found a pedia-calm which he now takes. I havne't had any comments yet from the teachers but it's only the beginning of the year and its ussually October-Novemeber when they ask where my son went to. I tell them, this is my son, you haven't gotten to know him until now!
But if you have a local natural store I would say visit that first and see what they have. Otherwise you can always see a naturalpathic DR if I'm spelling that right. I didn't see where your from but we have a few near us by the shore in RI-boarding CT.
I hope this helps.

My story is the same. My daughter is 8 and we have the same issues. I haven't found anything to help, we have even resorted to sticker charts like I use with my 4 year old but that gets old fast. We try to notice the "good", but I'm wondering if it is a "girl" or hormone thing. As much as i don't want to think about that already. I think her mind is full and sometimes other "things" get lost.

She sounds like my son. He is now 15 and still forgetful but not as much as he was. He does have short and long term memory loss (maybe worth looking into). I think memory games may be good for her. Also being sure to follow the same routine helps. Repitition is the key. I know your frustration, I'm ready to pull my hair out somedays.

Hi Suzanne...are you sure you're not talking about my 9 yr old daughter??? Actually I noticed my daughter had the same issues a couple years back and found that it was affecting her school work as well as home life. I had spoken with her teachers and pediatrician and they did an evaluation on her. They did end up diagnosing her with ADD (she's not hyperactive). I started her on medication last year and it has been a tremendous relief for both of us. I was VERY hesitant to start medication because I think its overused, but it really worked for us. I'm not suggesting you cure everything with medication, but its worth looking into an evaluation.
Some issues for her were: Homework - Unable to focus and finish. Schoolwork - Unable to finish assignments because she couldn't stay on task. Forgetting to flush the toilet(always my favorite) and would sometimes just wet her pants because she didn't want to stop doing what she was doing. I do agree that sometimes it is partly just their personality and sometimes just plain lazy. To be honest, she told me that when she goes to the bathroom, she doesn't wipe because then she doesn't have to wash her hands. Lazy or smart????
Good luck with your daughter. Maybe they should get to know each other!!! :)

I just want to thank you for asking this question. I have been going through the same problem with my 8 year old daughter. I am currently having a hard time with the teacher because she is not really adapting to her learning styles. I feel as if my daughter is more of a nuisance than anything else. Reading all the responses brought tears to my eyes because there is so much understanding and other people going through the same things. I do not believe in medication for fear it will alter her personality even more so I have not even thought to get her tested. Teachers have never even made the suggestion until this year. Mind you the teacher has only know my daughter two weeks. I have definitely learned to become much more patient with my daughter for sure!
I wish you all the best. It is good to know we are not alone. Thank you!

Wow she sounds like a dreamer...what a wonderful thing to be! Although I am sure very frustrating to you! I would suggest that instead of telling her what to do...write it down. My sister has three older kids and they have their whole schedules written down (a.m...brush teeth, get dressed, breakfast, feed animals...etc.) She even has a time stamp next to it. It really helps the kids visualize what is coming next and keeps them on track. This even works with homework. They know that before they can do any of their "fun" stuff they need to have their homework done.

Anyways...hope this helps, I know I have a ways to go before hitting this point. I just try and enjoy all my kids for what they are...dreamers...or not!

Good luck! H. Z. (SAHM 5, 3, 14 months old boys)

Hi Suzanne,

I also have two beautiful girls ages 7 and 9. They really are individuals aren't they.

My older daughter is a dreamer too. She is interested, excited and motivated, but she tends to become so interested in the next thing she doesn't pay close attention to what she is actually doing. As a result, sometimes she has careless mistakes in her homework. Sometimes when she writes she'll leave out whole words and now instead of correcting her I say "what's this say?" and have her read it back. She usually catches her mistake quickly and says "I'm a knucklehead" in a joking way.

I have wondered if she has ADD, and she probably does, to a certain degree, but I haven't as yet had her tested. Her grades are ok and socially she is doing well, so I am trying to help her with strategies to help keep her focused. I think it is important for her to see her own character traits, accept them, not as faults, but as part of her particular makeup and help her to anticipate the times when she will need to say to her self. "stay on task".

I was very similar as a young girl, and I know my mom frequently got report cards that stated, "J. is a bright girl if she would just stop daydreaming she would do so much better." The truth is I'm sure I also had ADD, but it just wasn't understood back then. I'm reasonably intelligent, so I was able to scrape by, and now, as an adult, I know myself well enough to predict when I will be forgetful and distracted, so I can prevent it, but I'm sure I would have been much more productive if I had stayed more focused in my younger days.
Because of this I have kept a sharp eye on my daughter and I will not hesitate to have her evaluated if necessary. I kept my daughter back in kindergarten and she is doing academically ok. She is entering third grade this year, so I realize if she is not right on task this year, fourth grade will become much more demanding.

I think I have seen my daughter begin to outgrow some of those behaviors as she has matured, but if you have serious concerns, I would not hesitate to have your daughter evaluated. Stay in close contact with her teachers and share your concerns. Her academic success has much more serious ramifications then whether she remembers to flush the toilet or not. And remember, to a certain degree, she is who she is and we must love and accept them for the individuals they are. I am sure those frustrating traits are more than made up for by wonderful ones.

Best Wishes,
J. L.