Need Help Getting 3 Year Old Daughter to Understand

When my mom was going through cemo her neice was 3 she was also scared of the bad head. The made a game of it. She would take mom's scarfs off and touch the head while mom tried to move so she couldn't. When mom's hair grew back Melissa (neice) was SUPER INDIGNANT that she ruined the game.

Good Luck!

Hello S.,

I do not have any experience with this issue, but I do have experience with 3 years olds. I think the best thing for you to do is tell your 3 years that you're scared, your family is scared and it's ok to be scared. Then tell her that when she is scared, you're there to listen.

Children, especially young children learn through observation, so when they see their family going through something like this, all they know is what they see. Allowing open discussion about the issue will help. Telling your 3 year old you're scared too will help.

I'd also check out your local children's cancer association, (if there is one), and ask them if they have a siblings program. Being around other children who have cancer in the family may help.

Good luck to your entire family.

R. Magby

Try explaining that once-in-awhile when someone gets sick, the medicine they have to take makes their hair fall out BUT IT WILL GROW BACK! Reassure her that it's only for a little while and that it's not the kind of sick she can catch. I'm pretty sure the American Pediatric and the American Psychological associations have books for young children on dealing with cancer in the family. Try your library or ask your doctor.

3 is tough because they're old enough to have a pretty good sense that something is going on, but young enough that they get left out a lot and have to make their own understanding. My advice is to let her in.

I would answer her totally honestly in age appropriate terms. You've already told her that sister is sick. Tell her the name "Hodgkin's Lymphoma" Let her practice saying it. Explain that it is NOT like a cold and you can't get it from her germs. She has to take two special very powerful medicines to get well. They are called chemo and radiation. The are so powerful that she has to go to the doctor to take them. They make her tired and make her hair fall out, but they will also make her get well. Let her ask all the questions she has, touch her sisters head if she wants etc.

Once she's familiar with all the words, she won't feel as scared and you won't be so anxious because she won't be bothered if she hears someone mention them.

There might even be a kids picture book about family members with cancer that would help explain some of the physical changes she might notice in her sister during her treatment.

Hope this helps.

T.

You've gotten good advice, but in addition to reassurance, be sure to leave plenty of room for your 3yo to express her fears and concerns. It does no good to tell a child not to be afraid, and may actually prevent her from processing and moving forward.

I strongly recommend you read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to empathizing with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

My best to you all.

Kids at this age prcess this information in unpredictable ways. As others have said, let her talk about her feelings, and do what she needs to to process the experience.

My daughter will be 3 in May, and in February, her best friend at daycare broke his leg. They talked about how he was going to the doctor, and how the cast was going to help him heal. For weeks afterward (and it still comes up from time to time), she would mention how her legs hurt. And anytime she felt pain anywhere else on her body (eg she bumped her head or arm, or I was trying to get a knot out of her hair) she would say while crying "I have strong legs!!".

While her friend was still recovering from his broken leg, my husband (her dad) had a gallbladder attack and was in the hospital for a few days, and needed to go back to the hospital for surgery a few weeks later. One thing we found really helpful, was to give her a doctors kit. She brought it to the hospital, and helped to doctor her dad to help him feel better. she listened to his heart, looked in his ear, put "lotion" on him to make the pain go away. It seemed to help her feel like she could do something to help him out.

Another thing that day care did that was great, was they helped her create a "get well" card for her Dad. They put bandaids all over it, and she drew on it.

Hope that helps.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December and I am going through chemo now. My daughter is 4 and my son is 22 months. I just shaved my head a couple of weeks ago as well. We tried to prepare my daughter for it by telling her ahead of time that Mommy was taking special medicine that was going to make her hair fall out. When I shaved it, she rubbed my head, giggled and told me I looked funny and then moved on (although every time she sees me without my wig or a hat, she still giggles and tells me I look funny...hahaha!). I honestly think that she will take her cues from you guys. If you don't want her to be scared, don't make a huge fuss over it. Just tell her, very matter of factly, that sister's hair fell out because of her special medicine and that it will grow back when the medicine works and she is all better. As for her saying that her hair is falling out....just tell her that she is not taking the special medicine, so her hair won't fall out.

Does she see this sister every day (you mentioned it being your step-daughter)? If so, then I think she will just get used to it. Once she realizes that not much has changed and gets used to the bald head, she probably won't really bring it up anymore. I think the less you focus on it as a family (besides the obvious need to deal with the disease and the other side effects of chemo in caring for your older daughter), the less she will focus on it. I know there are books out there to help explain these kinds of things to kids, but we didn't use any of them, so I can't really recommend one. We have just tried to stay very upbeat about the whole thing and try to keep life as normal as possible for them. When we discuss things with her about Mommy's illness, we try to do it with no tears (so as not to scare her) and just be very matter of fact. My daughter is a very logical child and has just kind of taken everything in stride so far.

If you would like to discuss further, feel free to send me a private message. I am sorry that your family is having to go through this. I know, first hand, how tough it can all be and I'm sure it's even more scary for her since she's only 15. I pray for peace for all of you as you navigate this in the coming months. Many blessings!

I am also going through chemo for breast cancer. We have three little boys next door and they don't even blink twice at my bald head. I also shaved my head off (mowhawk first hehe). I have also painted my head like an Easter egg. Your 3 year old will also take her cues from the 15 year old. I agree with the mom who said to explain the name of the disease to her and let her practice it. Give both of your daughter's time. Just reassure her that her hair is not falling out and explain why. (again and again).

Blessings and hugs....

is there something fun that you and the two girls could do together? maybe go out for pizza at chuck e cheese or something (if big sis feels up to it) something fun to get your three year old's mind off her sister's bald head. just a thought. i don't have any experience with this but my prayers are with you.

Am I missing something here? Where is the big sister who is in fact going through this? Now it is extremely important for the sisters to be together! I feel the older girl should share with her little sister-she can tell her what no one else can--all she is feeling, what she is going through, what her disease is and what will happen....all of this should be coming from her big sister---the little one looks up to her and yes she is afraid she will get sick and rightly so--I am sure everyone is doing everythig they cqn to make the older girl comfortable and maybe in this process the little one has been side-stepped--this is understandable yet now it is important to include little sis---let her hug her sister,sit on the bed with her if it is ok with big sis and all things that sisters do! This could be a long term treatment and the little one needs to know she is a part of the healing process. I wish all of you the best and my prayers are with you. Give the girls some quiet time all to themselves--sisters are very special and need this. Our love to you!

I think you've gotten great ideas for the little sister, so I just want to let you know that a friend of mine is almost at her 5-year point after Hodgkins, and I'm starting to think about her "cured" party next fall. There is hope, and I wish your step daughter and family a quick recovery from this shock. (((Hugs)))

I would tell her that Mary is sick and the medicine that is going to help her to get well is making her hair fall out, but when the medicine is done, the hair will grow back. Keep it truthful but very very simple. Reassure her that her sissy is no different now than when she had hair.