Need Exit Strategy Advice

What a horrible situation! We have a good family friend who is a Family Attorney. Her name is Patty Wagner. Her website is www.pwagnerlaw.com . She is a competent lawyer and a lovely person.

Good luck!

So sorry that you are going through this. I filed for divorce when my daughter was two and finished the process a year later. A great resource that was very helpful to me during my divorce was the Lilac Tree... a non-profit organization designed to be a resource for women going through the divorce process. They have regular workshops and have one coming up in the next few months specifically talking about what you need to know when you file.

www.thelilactree.org

Good luck and know that on the other side of the divorce ordeal life is MUCH better!

This is so tough. I think you've got the right train of thought. Is there any way you can create a small "stash" of money that he does not have access to? Maybe squirrel away a couple hundred into an account that is online only, or gift it to some trusted friends, so that you have a cushion. Also make sure you have copies of credit cards, car loans, mortgage etc, any creditors, past income tax filings if possible. I don't know of anyone in the area who can help you, but I wish you the best of luck. Getting out of a marriage is very difficult and takes a lot of courage.

iF YOUR HUSBAND IS A BULLY, FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HIM. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HE WILL DO AFTER YOU LEAVE. BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING!!! YOU MIGHT NOT THINK CUSTODY IS NOT AN ISSUE, BUT IT MAY BE. ASK YOURSELF IF YOUR HUSBAND IS CAPABLE OF HAVING YOUR DAUGHTER EVERY OTHER WEEKEND? THAT'S THE NORM. ILLINOIS CHILD SUPPORT IS 20% OF HIS SALARY. AND HE SHOULD PAY HALF OF DAYCARE IF YOU ARE WORKING. CUSTODY SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE UNLESS YOU CAN BE PROVEN AN UNFIT MOTHER.
IT APPEARS THAT THERE ARE ASSETS. GATHER AND COPY ALL DOCUMENTATIONS AS POSSIBLE.
YOU CAN FILE FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER AT MAYBROOK COURT HOUSE OR ANY COURT HOUSE NEAR YOU. MAYBROOK WAS HELPFUL TO ME. THEY WILL ASSIST YOU IN FILING OUT THE PAPERS AND THEY ARE ALSO VERY INFORMITIVE.

DON'T EXPECT INSTANT CHILD SUPPORT , GATHER AS MUCH INFO AS YOU CAN BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR EXIT.

I AM NOT CRAZY ABOUT ANY LAWYER! SEEMS TO ME THAT EVERYTHING A LAWYER DOES IS A STANDARD PROCEDURE AND IT TAKES FOREVER ALONG WITH HUGE LAWYER FEES.
I CANNOT RECCOMEND MY LAWYER AT THIS TIME, BECAUSE I AM ONLY 6 MONTHS INTO KEEPING MY HUSBAND FROM HAVING OUR DAUGHTER OVERNIGHT (SOMETHING I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO MYSELF WITHOUT A LAWYER). THERE HAS BEEN NO CHILD SUPPORT, NOTHING. MY HUSBAND IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG ABUSER AND I CURRENTLY DO NOT HAVE FACTS TO PROVE THIS. I ONLY WENT BACK TO WORK PART TIME, LAST YEAR. MY PARENTS ARE BASICALLY SUPPORTING MYSELF AND MY DAUGHTER UNTIL I GET ON MY FEET.

I GUESS I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU IS, BE VERY PREPARED!! IT IS A LONG PROCESS IF YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT COOPERATIVE!!!!!

GOOD LUCK

Ok, take a deep breath. I have been through all of this and it will get better. It sounds like you are getting organized, which is good.

1)Get you and your daughter's birth certificates, passports, etc. Make sure you have copies or originals of any important papers and documents, also medical records and bills.

2) If you have any joint accounts- checking accounts, credit cards, etc. take your name off (if you are the primary account holder) or remove your name from the account if you are the secondary name. Also, file separately for your taxes this year- you can do this, even if you are still married. Just contact your accountant or have someone new do your taxes, but file as a Married Head of Household for yourself and claim your daughter as a tax exemption.

MAKE SURE you do this- your husband can clean out a joint checking or savings account, or he can rack up credit card bills on an account and YOU could get stuck with the bad credit that results from it! My ex ruined my credit by continuing to use credit card accounts I thought had been closed and he didn't pay our joint taxes for 2 years and lied to me about it. It was a MESS sorting it all out and eventually I had to declare bankruptcy. He walked away with perfect credit- protect yourself!

3)Make arrangements for your daughter's childcare- either at her current daycare or with grandparents. Make sure you have someplace safe to stay for while until you can get back on your feet. Remember during all of this to keep things as stable as possible for your daughter. No matter what your worries, keep her little day to day routine as much the same as you can and it will be ok.

4)There are plenty of divorce attorneys around. Find one you like and feel comfortable with,preferably one who SPECIALIZES in Family Law as well. Find out up front how much of a retainer they need to get your started. Remember- they can get the paperwork filed etc. for you, but go ahead and get separated as soon as you safely can. I don't know your situation, but when I finally made the decision to leave my ex, one attorney told me that I 'didn't have enough money to get divorced' . It was so cruel and so discouraging- I moved out anyway and worked things out. So don't be discouraged by difficulty!

5)Find a professional mediator to handle visitation and child-rearing agreements. Many family or divorce attorneys will be able to recommend one to you. They will get your child support claim filed, but as far as the details go, you may find it is much less expensive and much easier to meet with an outside mediator. You and your ex to be will sit down with the mediator and a calendar and work out holidays, visitation, etc. It is awkward - but it has these benefits:

1) No matter how big a jerk or how threatening your ex might be, he will be more likely to want to make a 'good impression' and behave himself in front of the mediator. This was definitely my experience. We were able to work things out through this third party that we could NEVER have agreed to on our own.

2) It is VERY TEMPTING to just get out and hope for the best, think he won't want to see the kid anyway, etc. DO NOT COUNT ON THAT!! As you mentioned, your ex may try for custody just to spite you- it happens all the time. By asking ( through your attorney to his) him to meet in mediation to set up visitation,etc. you are not only being the mature parent, but it really will be best for your child.

Again, please please trust me on this. You need to have your child support officialy disbursed through the state and you need to have all your visitation and custody agreement also in a legal document. This provides a framework for BOTH of you to fall back on in the future.

When disagreements come up- and they absolutely will- about who gets to spend 4th of July with your daughter, or when she is supposed to be picked up on the weekend, etc. this document that the mediator will give your attorney to file with the court will be your backup and let everyone know what they are expected to do and when. It is vital to your daughter's continuity and schedule to make things as smooth for her as possible in this difficult transition.

Again, take a deep breath. As scared and sad and worried as you are now, things will be better. not right away, but later. When I finally, actually moved my son and I into our own little apartment, I remember feeling like a giant weight had been taken from me, despite all the difficulties still to come. I just felt so much better and you will too!

My son was almost 4 when I got separated.Your daughter is young enough that you can really cushion her from this. Please do that- she will learn all too soon if her dad is a jerk- just bite your tongue and don't tell her! Just be polite- do not allow your ex to boss you around or intimidate you or suck you into drama- you are SEPARATE from him now, and it might take a while for him to get that. Just think of your daughter and be firm and polite.

It will take a while to get used to the new routine, but by the time she is old enough to be in school and you have teacher conferences, sporting events, school assemblies, etc. to attend, you and your ex will be accustomed to the schedule and everyone will be used to it. It is not always ideal, but it will be best for your daughter.

Please feel free to message me if I can give you any help or advice. You sound really worried and scared- it will be ok!! Best of luck to you- let me know if I can do anything to help you out!!

Try to replicate your financial paperwork before telling him you're leaving. All bank statements, investment account statement (401k), past tax returns, insurance documents, copies of monthly bills, documentation of outstanding debt. Get your mortgage and deed, car title, make sure you have contact info for any accountant or mortgage broker you have used. You need birth certificates, passports, baptismal documents. Take any paperwork you have for you, your mom and your daughter's medical treatments including contact info for someone at the insurance company. Make sure you have his pertinent info like SS#, place and date of birth, etc.

Good luck.

I find that the calmer I feel the better I am able to create a plan.
You may be interested in a 1 1/2 hour class that will teach a self-calming technique on 2/7/10 to be held at the Garrett Wellness Center for only $10. This tool has been taught in hospitals and by therapists to relieve feelings of distress within a few minutes.
Let me know if you want further details.

You are smart to plan this out. Discreetly I hope As in take bulldog by surprise. Sorry but I found out afterwards how being nice didn't work, I had two children and didn't have some things with me. Dad hid the birth certificates on me, that was a mess,at first as it took me by surprise and I needed them for school and activities. (In those days they were necessary but copies were acceptable at times)and my children still think he is amazing because he '' saved '' bonds from their baptisms, and their birth certificates that I had to look all over for and eventually replace. And he recently gave my one son his original birth certificate and -oops- he just happened to have the bonds after he returned from overseas and there was no way I could clarify the truth-my son excused it by saying how spacey his dad was. He did not know the things that occurred previously because of certain things that the man had done. So I say take and hide anything and everything you can, or make copies of it and return the originals back to their spots in the cabinet or wherever. If you have stocks get phone numbers, or contact numbers, emails, social securities together and also if you have any 401 plans make sure you are not taxed or penalized if you take out any money. And yes, my ex was not interested much in having children either,I actually forced this on him if you can believe it but suddenly was threatening to take the children from me. Called the police on me when they were sick and had worked out staying with me, didn't show up at times to get them, but continued to fight about that anyway. So perhaps if staying with him would be easier I am telling you my background.He moved far away and had little part in their lives and yet He is still very present in mine. Much to the ache of my broken heart after many years of hard work and taking care of them on a daily basis, providing what they needed I want to say even though it is eighteen years or so later when my divorce process began (and I have been remarried) this man was able to ruin almost every special day that took place by theatrics or stubborness and my children this year announced a couple of days before christmas, that they were going to drive on christmas day (and they did!) to see him in Minnesota. So I also say if this is not absolutey necessary and if you can tame bulldog, perhaps you can spend a life with him anyway. Sometimes people are just plain imperfect. But if you really need to get out, like 'yesterday' then have your plan in action. Because even the nicest people can get bad during divorces.Good luck!