My 3 kids and I have just moved in with my boyfriend. He too has a 4 year old son that I provide care for during the week while his Mom works. I have a 8 year old son, a 7 year old son, and a 4 year old daughter. I stay home with the two 4 year olds. While I am no perfect mother and do not have perfect children I have a very hard time with my boyfriends son. His mother obviously provides no discipline, no structure and nothing in my opinion. He swears, says words as "shut up", " dont have to", I hate, poop,pee(in offensive ways)words that are unbelievably unacceptable. He is very very defiant. Crys usually at bedtime, crys when needs a bath, etc. When he is disciplined in my home for this behavior which is time out, he screams uncontrollably to the point where he acts like he will throw up.Since I have had lots of time with him some of this behavior has improved, However, his mouth is very awful but better. I feel like I am constantly correcting his unacceptable behavior and I feel bad like I am almost picking on him. My boyfriend desperatley wants custody of him and we dont know how to go about it.I can tell he is never corrected at home and its all fun and games to is mother..like its funny. I think its awful and wrong. I spend lots of time everyday with him and my daughter learning and going to library, and reading groups etc. I try to hug him and calmly explain to him why he shouldnt say what he does.Does anyone have advice? Am I going about this the wrong way? I feel my boyfriend gets too mad sometimes and loses his temper and cant deal with it because he is so frustrated at his ex for allowing this to occur. He fought for custody at the time of divorce and was granted joint legal. He took him out of daycare to be with me because we have noticed improvement. I feel bad because a four year old should even know the things he says. My children are not allowed any of this behavior and I feel they are well mannered children. I feel like I am breaking through but as soon as he returns home to his mother for a few days all my hard work is ruined.Any advice would be great.
Hey L.,
Sounds like you are doing a great job with him. Be patient and keep it up. Remind him that when he's in his father's home there are rules that everybody must follow. It's important to get control now whiile he's young. You're boyfriend shouldn't get too upset with him-just be firm. Good luck. He's only 4 years old you have plenty of time to mold him into a nice kid!
Good Luck
I have a neice that has the same issues. Her parents are divorced and you can tell when she has been with her mom for any length of time. I commend you for you efforts. We work with my neice on it all the time. She is about 5 months older then my daughter and says things like "I won't be your friend any more if you don't do what I say." Keep working with him. He will reach an age where you won't have to work at it so hard. Right now, he has two ways of life and he is trying to figure out which rules apply where. It sounds like you are on the right track trying to explain things to him instead of just disciplining him. As for the custody, have you thought about taking him to a play theropist or something along that line? Maybe if you can get someone's advice who is unbiase it would help, this would also go a long way with the courts to show that you have his best interests at heart. Keep at it.
Has the child been tested for aspberger syndrome or autism? Those are signs of it. Especially the anger part. You might want to have testing done. I hope everything works out for you. It seems like you are a caring and good mother. Good luck with everything.
I think your boyfriend should talk with his wife and explain what is so offensive and tell her that he would like support in correcting the issues and see what she says. If you talk to her it will seem bad, but if she doesn't go for it when your BF says something then he should be keeping track of the stuff for another custody case. JMHO since I'm not in the situation myself.
C.
My son has learned alot of his words from dad and maybe some from me :( and definitely alot from his 16 year old brother. So being four as you know with your daughter is a hard time of trying to know what is right and wrong. Sounds like you are on the right path here. I know with my son,he gets time outs for the bad words and hey I have been putting myself in time outs after all these years and three other kids when I think I will say something I don't want to have him repeat. My 16 year old realizes when it bounces back to him that my other son has learned some of the words I wouldn't say from him and he gets embarrassed and having this little guy has taught him a lesson too in trying to restrain what he says around here. I would keep up with what you are doing. Most of the behavior my son does is for attention getting lately(he is almost five too) so I have been doing what you do getting him to the library(that is a patience tester for a wild guy like mine to be quiet that long but he loves the activities and I think that is why you are "breaking through with your boyfriend's son" but until you are married I think the other message post was right,he will not take you seriously. I hope your boyfriend does get custody,sounds like you are a positive influence on his son :)
As I read your needs I kept thinking of somehow if you could reward him for positive things only. Try to ignore some of the bad he is doing. If he only is getting attention for the bad things and wants attention he is going to do those bad things. While at the library get a Dr. Phil behavior book or book on c.d., something in the manner of ideas for this. Myself, I couldn't do what you are trying to do for someone else child. Bless you for trying to make a difference in this little boys life. It will even if it is hard for you now. Have you been able to view that movie Oprah talked about two weeks in a row. It's all about positive thoughts The Secret. you can get it on line or at book stores 30.00. www.the secret.tv It makes you want to always have positive thoughts even children! Bless you.
L....if your boyfriend supports you in your discipline with his 4 year old son...and he should..then he must talk to his mother. He should explain to her how you and he are attempting to help the boy adjust to normal, happy and acceptable behavior because you love him. Tell her the techniques you are using and ask for her support as well. Ask her if she has any additional ideas that may help. If she is unwilling to get on board..then he must decide how much time she should spend with his son as to not undermine the discipline and life changing changes that will benefit the development of this boy. Good luck! - S.
I am so proud of you for taking this little boy into your heart! I think being gentle and lovingly correcting him is the perfect way to start getting the behavior that you want to see. Punishing him will only make him angry and resentful. When he says something offensive, you can repeat to him what he said in a way that you would like to hear him say it, and ask him to repeat it.
Part of his behavior is normal for a 4yr old boy too. Esp. one with so much turmoil in his little life. Just continue being firm with your boundaries, and he will begin to get the hang of it. It might be helpful for him to have transition time too to help with some of the emotional outbursts.
My 4yr old (will be 5this month) Has a Picture schedule that we use everyday. That helps tremendously he knows what is coming next. I'll put the whole day on a little plastic board. He goes to school, gets off the bus at home, lunchtime, Quite time, then we'll have some sort of activity (park, library, etc) Then home, Quiet playtime, dinner, bath, story time, bed. We taught him how to read a digital clock, so he knows when it's bathtime (7pm), and bedtime (8pm) that way he doesn't feel like he's being cheated out of playtime.
It's probably not what you want to heare but, in my opinion you have no power until, maybe, you are married to the man. I don't think that even young children would take you as seriously, until they realize you are not going anywhere because the two of you have committed to each other. The same would be true with the relationship with your children and your boyfriend.
As an example of what I am talking about is this...I certainly wouldn't take a girlfriend my son has, as seriously as I would a girl that he brings home and says he is going to marry.
I am agreeing with the previous poster who said to reward the good as well. Make sure he gets some kind of acknowledgment that when he behaves properly, you appreciate it. Then he will want to do it for it's own sake (not just for fear of punishment). Maybe something like a special treat (candy), or time reading a book alone with you, a trip to the toy store (for really good behavior), something like that. Four year olds are smart enough to know what they are doing and how it affects people. The bf's ex doesn't show any response to the bad behavior to try to change him and you are... so good for you! Good luck and good luck being patient as I am sure this must be frustrating.
I have 3 stepchildren myself. They had TERRIBLE manners and were SO disrespectful when I first married my husband. It will take a lot of time to turn this behavior around but you are doing a great job! I too always felt like I was either sleeping or getting after one of the kids for something. I made an effort to applaud even little victories. Any good behavoir was commended. Maybe you could mix up the discipline a little. Take away a favorite toy for an hour, or no tv, or if they play video games no video games for a day. I would advise you not to take everything away though or he will have nothing to lose. Try explaining to your husband how important it is that he remain calm so that he can support you. But remember you both love this little boy to pieces and over time it will get better and for now remember that crying isn't fatal.
Dear L.,
I would watch the show "Super Nannny" and just continue to show him tough love thru discipline. All children are looking for structure. I would also have your boyfreind watch it with you.
There is not a whole lot you can do about the mother. Give it some time. I know this is very frustrating!
R.
