Need Advise on How to Stop Biting!!!

My second son did the same thing, but at about 18 months. We went with a "mouth bap" (a very light tap on the mouth) and time out. We reinforced it by reminding him everytime his mouth even got close to another person (when he was angry or frustrated)that we don't bite and if we do, we get a "mouth bap" and time out. It's worked really well for us. He's now 21 months and never bites out of anger or frustration. Good luck.

I just want to comment on all teh mothers who said bite the child back; a baby or toddler, actually up until in between ages three and four, cannot grasp a cause effect situation. Their brains do not think logically as yours and mine do, so if you bite a twenty month old back, they will never ever understand why you bit them or put together that it was because they bit back. They will think you are being cruel to them.

the same goes for time outs at this age. The child will not peacefully sit in the corner for one, and two if you do get them to sit, do you think they are thinking about how wrong they were and how they will be better-NO. they will not know why they are being forced to stay in one spot.

Children bite when they feel they cannot express themselves better. My daughter bit when she was mad. I taught her how to express herself by telling me "mad"(before she could speak in full sentences. Once a child can fully grasp and communicate their emotions, the need to bite will be gone. Until then, unfortunately, watch her like a hawk when she is around other children to prevent them from getting hurt.

M.,
My daughter did the same thing. She was so bad that her nickname became BUFFY the vampire. I spoke with her doctor to find a solution and he told me to bite her back. I couldn't. I knew how much it hurt, and could not do it to my child. One day she bit my ex-mother in law, my ex mother in law turned around and bit her back hard enough to leave a bruise. I was furious. My daughter cried for a good hour, but I have to be honest, she never bit anyone again. I don't think she should have bit her hard enough to bruise her, but it did work. My daughter is now seven and she will still occasionally come out with "Do you remember when Nana bit me?" Hope this helps. C.

Hi, M.!

It is so frustrating and upsetting when your sweet child is hurting other people! I think you're absolutely right: she has been using biting as a means of communicating. And, while it may have been working for her to some extent, it's definitely NOT working for anyone else, and it cannot continue. But what to do about it!?

I don't believe that time-outs work the way we want them to. Kids don't go into time-outs and use that time to think constructively about what they've done. They don't get repentant; they get angry. They plot revenge. They feel misunderstood. I can pretty much guarantee you that they *don't* sit there thinking, "Man, I'd better get my act together! Biting is so wrong!" Really.

A much better idea would be to *prevent* your daughter from getting to biting stage in the first place. This requires your constant supervision when she's with other kids. I know that this can seem daunting, but remember: kids that young don't know how to play with other kids. They're not really social beings yet, and they need us to pay careful attention and watch for signs of mounting aggression. When we see those signs, we can anticipate something going wrong before it even gets that far. We can intervene to help our wee ones get what they need without them having to resort to violence and aggression.

Remember that this stage passes relatively quickly when viewed in the big picture. Young children need us all the time. As they get older, they still need us, but not in such immediate, intense ways.

I know that sounds like a great deal of involvement on your part, and it is! But, your daughter will benefit so greatly from your involvement and your gentle, loving interventions. You'll model for her a more acceptable way to get what she needs, and she'll benefit far more from that then she ever will from committing a "crime" and then getting punished. I don't believe the lessons people learn from being punished are the ones the punishers ever intended. (For more about that, I recommend Alfie Kohn's book, "Punished by Rewards," and his newest DVD, "Unconditional Parenting." You can find them at www.alfiekohn.org.)

I hope this has been helpful! Best of luck to you and your daughter!

~Marji (please feel free to contact me, if you would like clarification about any of this or want to discuss this further)

M.,

Actually, the frustration of your daughter not being able to communicate can be helped with learning sign language. I had to do it with my daughter.

And the biting.....it does get worse when they get older. I am 42 yrs old and was a biter. I was 4 when I bit my mom last and she bit me back. I remember it like it was yesterday. So, when my 2nd child started biting, I bit him back :)

M. you may need to put her in time out and if that doesn't work ask your doctor what to do. Im trying to remember what I did when my son was small,he is 17 now.Hope I was able to help. R.'

You are right. Your daughter is biting because she doesn't have the words to use or she finds it easier to bite first, words later. When she does bite, tell her that she has to use her words, not bite. (Sometimes young children will hit or kick too.) It won't happen overnight, but tell everyone to remind her to use her words not hands. She will eventually catch on.

Also, if she is mad because she wants some toy, tell her that when you are done, she can have her turn. It won't sit well with her at first but she will come around. You need a lot of patience. Give her a time outs but keep explaining that she must use her words. Encourage her to talk through her frustration and anger. You won't always catch her but when you do, it will work.

Hi, M.!

I didn't have a biting issue with my son but I know it is common. He has been bitten alot though!

If you think it is out of frustration for not being able to communicate...maybe you can go hardcore at teaching her very simple terms to express herself. I did the sign language thing and that really helped my son feel confident about being able to communicate.

The timeouts are a good idea but she might be too young to realize, after several minutes, why she's been punished...she has forgotten.

Not sure what you say when it actually happens but, be sure to look her dead square in the eyes and say "No biting!" very sternly and loudly! And, then give her something else to do. Do that 25 times and you may get somewhere. When my son was crawling he would go for plugs...I would pick him up...look him dead square in the eyes and say "Not for babies!" and I never had any issue with him going after any thing bad after that...it was cool.

Now, that he's 3, he gets timeouts...haha. But, he only gets them for tantrums, whinning and being rude....he's, unfortunately, started the backtalk. errrr.

It seems you have a frustrated and angry child! LOL... My daughter pinched and shoved when she was that age. I think the aggression was her way of expressing frustration.

I think you should teach her the words she needs to help her express these feelings to you. I remember my 2 y/o telling me she was "fur-us-ter-rated" when she got angry. It was so cute the way she pronounced it syllable by syllable, , and also wonderful for her to be able to express herself without pinching and shoving.

Kids need to learn empathy. It doesn't just show up magically. Unfortunately at this age it's hard to understand it abstractly.

So I'd start with a very loud and stern "NO!!".. to startle her when she bites.. Be strict and IMMEDIATELY remove her from the area. If it is practical, don't make it a time out.. but end the playdate. Tell her that it is her fault that you're going home. That if she bites, she cannot play.

Tell her "biting is NOT ok. Ask her how she thinks "XXXX" felt when she was bitten, and ask how she would feel if someone bit her. You may be talking to a screaming crying child trapped in a car seat.. But she needs to her that over and over again.

Now I have to admit several of my friends did have biting children, and they were each "cured" when mom or another kid bit them back. (not as cruelly as your ex MIL, just enough to hurt and startle them.) They really don't understand the abstract. They learn concretely with hands-(or teeth)-on experiences.

Best of luck.. But remember no matter what you do, it will pass eventually...