Need Advise on How to Deal with My Son's Attitude....

Your son is only 2.5 years old, correct?
Well... there you go. It's all about 'ages and stages' and having expectations about our child, that are indeed 'age appropriate.' If expecting something from a child that is too much too soon, then=frustration for both.

At this age, a toddlers 'emotions' are NOT even fully developed yet. (2) they are getting a sense of independence (3) they like autonomy. (4) they tantrum (5) they have a sense of self-motivation etc.

What you can do, is not make it a battle. ie: if he does not or cannot just stay there in bed with you and lay with you, then 'allow' him to play IN the bedroom.... and be as 'quiet' as he can. That is all about COMPROMISE. A young child like this, can learn the 'concept' of that.. .and then you will be teaching them empathy at the same time. That is what I do with my kids. My daughter, when she was that age, I taught her the word "compromise" and then we would 'practice' it. She understood.

BUT, I DID NOT EXPECT PERFECTION in my kids. I only 'expect' them to do the best they can... at the given moment. AND as a Mom, I have learned when and where and when a child is simply not too tired to just sit still at a dinner table. By the end of the day, they are just too tired or over-tired or over-stimulated or over-tweaked to have 'patience' like us. So... pick your battles.

A child, won't just 'obey' like a pet dog. I know we wish they would, LOL... but, they have minds of their own.

The book "Your 2 Year Old" is really great, for understanding the stages of this age-set. You can get it from www.amazon.com

Mostly, I have found, that when all the 'methods' of time-out and red-faces and strict orders do NOT work... that a child just needs some understanding... talking WITH them.. bonding with them. My kids, when their patience with ME is at it's end, that that is when they flare up. SO, I have to be aware of that too... and what I am doing besides rushing around the house trying to get everything done. Many times, they just want attention...

But, if your child is just not doing anything and is just oppositional... just try and praise him... for the things he DOES do, and then lower your expectations of him... many times, a child has 'stress' from US, and they act out... because they simply cannot do what we want or they are just feeling pressure.

So many tips I"m sure you will get here.
But beware, 3 years old is even harder... it's just developmental and cognitive based. Some of it is NOTHING personal... the child is just changing, and developing more.. and even they cannot completely 'understand' it all yet. Growing pains...
No matter what, expectations has to be age appropriate. When we hope a 2 year old acts like a 5 year old, it won't work.
You don't have to 'fight' with him. And, give him LOTS of lead time, BEFORE you want to do something or have to go somewhere or when something is coming up. It's all about routine and consistency. LOTS of kids just need a head's up about what it is they are going to be doing. So that that they can 'transition' to it... more sanely.

All the best,
Susan

J.,

This made me think of last night...

My son is 2.5 and with eating dinner, it's touch and go. But, the last few nights he's been excited to sit at the table with me and his Grandparents. But, last night he was wired like he was going to explode and wouldn't even sit still for me to fix his socks. So, I said...'we're goint to sit and eat dinner, if you want to join us then you can.' I don't chase him anymore, and I don't demand he do something...because in the end I sound like a drill sargent and no one has a good time. While we sat and conversed at the table he played with his car, and then came over and sat down and ate his dinner.

I think with the 'attitude' it's really your son grasping at being an individual and needing some guidance on how to find where he fits. Tantrums and 'attitude' are a part of not knowing how to express themselves or tell us how they feel. My son and I work with feelings, and how to name them. If he's acting cranky, I explain that it's okay to be cranky but if he can talk to me and use his words maybe I can help him be happy...it's a work in progress, but this morning he told me he was 'cranky and could he have a hug and not go with his Dad today'.

The more you use words and verbalize actions to toddlers this age, the more they will learn and pick up from you and those around them. I love Susan's book references and have bought my '3-year old' and read it already.

When my son starts crying for what I think is no reason, I have taught myself to stop and take a deep breath and ask him how Mommy can help him...if he tantrums, I explain that it's okay to be frustrated, but if he tells me what he needs I can help us both be happy and have fun.

Just take stock in that this stage is typical and you just have to find patience and good ways to help your son get through it with love and guidance.

Good Luck!!

Susan always has great advice and reference material! You have a 2 year-old boy . . . if I remember correctly, mine liked choices (made him feel in control) - but I limited them. This or that - lay quietly with me or play quietly in your room; milk or water, etc. Also, I noticed an increase in my sons physical activity needs around this time - he just needed to run more. Remember, it's just a stage and it's not personal.

J.,

Being a stay at home mom can be exhausting. It is also tricky, because we can trick ourselves into thinking that because we are at home PHYSICALLY with our children all of the time, that we are PRESENT with them. So stay at home moms sometimes end up spending less quality 1:1 time with their children than working moms do!

I wonder whether your little guy is not getting enough of that 1:1 time with you, time where you are really PRESENT with your child? (Even 15 minute blocks throughout the day, 3 or 4 times, is enough for some kids, but when we sit down with them and then get distracted, like pick up the incoming call, or think about other stuff while we are supposed to be "playing" they know it, and feel cheated!)

Remember the oxygen mask rule: in case of a loss in air quality, put the mask on yourself before helping your child.
The same goes for life: take care of yourself well, so you can have enough to share with your child and your family. Hire a sitter or swap with a friend so you can each have some mommy time, and fill yourself back up so there more MOMMY to go around!!!!

If you like this, you can read more NVC-inspired parenting thoughts at www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Lots of Love,
Linda

Hi J.:
SH gave an excellent response.Couldn't have said it better myself.J. M