Need Advise for a Tired Mom

No, I really would not do this. You need to do the best you can and work into some sort of routine with the kids. A mother's helper sounds wonderful. I just could not be away from my 2-year old for that long...

So what will happen if he can't handle being away from you? Will they bring him home or force him to stay?

Not a good idea. As hard as it is you should be bonding as a family now, not just mom and baby. Make sure your husband REALLY helps during the times when he's home, cooking, cleaning, taking the toddler to the park, etc. That's the kind of stuff my hubby did when #2 came along.
I'm afraid if you do this the toddler will associate the new baby with being sent away from home, NOT something you want I'm sure!
Hang in there, it will get better.
And if baby continues to be an all night eater, CO SLEEP!

*Edit:
You NEED to make your Husband... a PART of the problem solving.
Tell him, to hire you a "Mommy's Helper."
Tell him, he needs to help.
These are his children too and you are his Wife, and he needs to help in some way.
With 2 kids, no matter what, it is just busier.

Sending your Toddler away, is just a TEMPORARY fix.
And you can't just have him, several States away, for who knows how long. And for me, I wouldn't want the Grandparents, thinking they can just have my other child whenever. And for who knows how long.
Once the Toddler returns home, it will be busy, again. And once your Toddler returns home, HE needs to adjust to having a baby in the house. Again.
Then what?
The OVERALL issue is: it is busy. Your Hubby travels a lot, he is not always there, and you would like... some kind of help, AT home.

If you do send your Toddler away, you have to have consent forms, medical approvals signed/notarized, travel consent forms etc. And will your parents, do what you want, with your Toddler? His sleep/naps, his foods, etc.?

Bonding with your baby, will happen whether or not your Toddler is around.
In a way, it is your Toddler, that needs more bonding. Now. And he needs you. More, now.
-------------------

Even if you send him, at some point your Toddler has to return home.
He may feel that you are "getting rid" of him.

Babies often do what is called "cluster feeding" and this means they feed every single hour and need to. And it is normal.
Then every 3 weeks is a growth spurt in a baby. Then at 3 months, 6 months and so forth.
Even if your Husband was home, you'd still need to wake to nurse the baby.

Or, get a helper for your home with your Toddler.
Someone to come TO your home.

Or, have your child enrolled in preschool. Part time for half days etc.
For a toddler with a baby in the house, its not easy for them either. And their emotions are not even fully developed yet nor their communication and they certainly do not have coping skills at all, at this age. It is taught, not an inherent inborn skill.

When I had my 2nd child, I enrolled my daughter in Preschool. SHE needed her own thing and socialization and stimulation with other kids. And she LOVED it. LOVED it.
BUT I ALSO talked WITH her a lot... about how she feels, reassuring her about Mommy loving her and how SHE is my "first" baby. And her brother is too young, to comprehend anything, thus Mommy has to help him and feed him etc. And she understood.
ALSO on a monthly basis, I explained in simple terms how... her baby brother was changing/his development etc. ie: he can't play like you can, he can't talk like you can, he doesn't even roll over yet, he is not a toy, he loves you and smiles at you... and you are important to him TOO etc.
She understood.

As much as a baby requires a lot of attention, I gave my eldest child MORE of my time... and she adjusted well. No jealousy. I often talked with her, we made a special handshake that was just ours... so even if across the room and I was nursing her brother, she could come and do this with me or give me a special smile, that was just between us. I also made up with her a special word, that she could tell me if she was not happy. Just knowing that, helped her feel "closer" to me and adjust.
I emphasized that she and her baby brother were a "TEAM." But that right now, he is too young, to know everything, like her. But its okay.

All these little things, made a HUGE positive difference, between me and my eldest child, once I had my 2nd child.

At no time, did I indicate even silently, that she was too much for me. I actually felt more... bad for her, because I was busier, with a baby. BUT I told her, that Mommy will be busier and nursing. BUT she does not have to worry. Baby cannot eat by himself. Mommy does that. It is my "job." And she does not have to worry.
We had a lot of chats which were "bonding" times, together.

Anyway, personally I could not send my other child away. Much less several States away. Even if I had an infant at home and my Husband was busy and couldn't help it and I was going nuts.
I would hire a "helper" or have your family go to YOUR home.

I wouldn't do it, personally. You all need time together to form your family unit. He is too young to be away from you for so long, he won't understand what is going on. I do think you should consider his needs and feelings before making the decision.

Can mom and dad stay with you and care for the 2 yr old in your home. This is a time of alot of change and it effects everyone, so the more help you can enlist in your own home, the better for everyone. Or perhaps you and baby can travel to your mom and dads. Make it a family vacation of sorts where there will be hands on help at all times and you can rest and focus on baby. Also, why can't your husband take vacation right now or paternal maternity leave? Many companies now have this for new fathers.
He has to understand that this is a fragile time and his help is much needed and required. It's healthier for your son to bond with dad while you bond with baby.

This is just an idea that worked for when my kids were that age... My husband works a ton 18hr some days.. I was beyond exhausted too.. I enrolled my older DD in Montessori during the day she loved it and they helped her with transition to being a big sister. Best of luck

Is there any way for your parents to come back to you and help out more with the toddler at your house? When my second was born my parents came to help out and took my oldest out to lunch, to the park and entertained him a lot while I adjusted to the baby or napped. Or maybe all 3 of you can go to their house? I would not be comfortable sending my 2 year old that far away. Sleep when you can even if that means putting the oldest in front of a tv show he'll sit and watch so you can snooze next to him. You do what you have to do right now!

Also, look into parents day out programs. They are run through churches so they are generally inexpensive compared to day care. It was wonderful. It was 4 hours of the day that my oldest went to play and have fun and I got to sleep/shower/sit down/focus on the baby etc. Hang in there!!

I know how you feel but couldn't have sent my daughter unless she was super close with her grandparents. Or I'd at least explore other options. ie: how will he get there? Would one of them come to get him? Could that money be spent on a baby nurse or nanny for a bit instead? Maybe they're just driving... Could one of them come stay again instead? I assume if they work they'd be taking work off or they don't work so don't have to be home vs with you... Any chance your husband could take off 2 days from work? When you think about it, your son can't be gone long enough to make that big a difference probably. Any spare money to hire some help? Maybe your parents could make that a gift instead? If you do send him, likely he'll never remember and it won't scar him for life. I'd just talk it up ahead of time big like you're doing him a big favor and you hate to see him go but he's going to have so much fun you have to let him... Brainwash him for a while :) And 5 weeks every hour seems too extreme btw. If you're breast feeding, maybe supplement with formula?

That newborn with toddler exhaustion is one of the worst things in the world! It will be over soon! Just keep telling yourself that.

No, I would not send a toddler away for more than a night. Your job right now is to focus on your toddler. The bonding will happen with the baby, adn the baby only needs you for basic things, but your toddler needs you to know he is loved and hasn't been replaced.

If it doesn't work for you, then say so. My DD has not visited out of town relatives by herself. If it would be better FOR YOU, then invite them to return for a visit and watch him/spend time in your home.

As for the exhaustion with the new baby, I'd try to arrange playdates or times when a friend or sitter watches him so you can regroup and maybe sleep.

Personally, I couldn't be away from my toddler that long (and haven't been). I'd be too worried about her to even enjoy the baby...but that's me.

I do feel for you though! My husband works second shift so is never home for the madness that was/is supper and bedtime...and have said many times how I feel like a single mom sometimes (altho I'm sure they have it much harder). But you sound just like me a year ago...my kids are 18 months apart and it is HARD in the beginning. It still is. At least for me. I would keep the toddler home and try to get into a groove with the three of you...and trust me, it will come.

Some things that helped me:
When DH is home, let him give the baby a bottle so you can take a much needed nap (even if it's with ODS). Or even let you sleep in on a saturday if he'll go for it.
If you aren't already, cosleep with your baby...I had a 'Arms Reach Cosleeper' and it was seriously the best thing ever, but just throw him in bed with you if you don't have one and nurse lying down...you will get soooo much more sleep if you don't have to fully wake up to feed each time! (Just move him out around 4 months so it doesn't become problem). (Obviously remove bulky bedding and take precautions not to smother!)
When you are nursing, bring out a secret stash of toys and give him something to play with...something that only comes out during this time so it's new and fun (puzzles, crayons, STICKERS).
When you have to lay baby down/rock baby for nap or bed...or otherwise need 10 minutes with the baby...put ODS in a high chair (so he's strapped in and not getting into trouble) and give him a snack. Put it in front of TV if you have to.
Use a swing! A swing keeps baby off floor so ODS will hopefully leave new baby alone for a few minutes, and will help rock baby to sleep...hopefully giving you a few spare minutes.
Try a moby wrap (or any baby carrier). If you need to get dishes done, stick baby in moby and do them. Most the time mine would fall asleep in it. Only thing I didn't like about this is it gets heavy!
Keep a stash of diapers/wipes in your main living area so you don't have to run to another room to change a diaper everytime (and can keep eyes on toddler).

To increase baby's feedings...make sure new baby isn't using you as a pacifier! When baby's feeding only let him nurse about 10-15 min then cut him off and make him wait a little longer each time, so he learns to increase the amount he takes in for a feeding. (I'm NOT saying let him cry, just try and distract or put it off as long as possible)

Best of luck to you, I really do hope you all can work it out so you don't have to send your little guy away. If you truly just feel like you can't handle another day, then don't feel guilty accepting your parent's help if it is really what you think is best. Unfortunately, your baby is only 5 weeks old, so you may have a while until he starts sleeping better. However, My youngest is turning a year next week and the kids now share a room and sleep 11-12 hours at night. Your life WILL return to somewhat normal, just remember this sleepless phase doesn't last forever. Hang in there...you can do it! Feel free to msg me if you ever need to vent!

I know the tired feeling, my second was born when my first was 18 mo. old. He had been in a daycare before that, so I continued to send him a few days a week. I felt guilty but looking back I should not have at all, it was the best thing for the both of us and better for him. He loved it, lots of playing with other kids. If you can, maybe look into some type of preschool...some start at age 2, he'd probably like it and it could give you a break. I don't think I'd send him away, but see if your parents could stay with you for awhile or you with them? In the end, do what you have to do. I know if I had to send my son to live with my parents for awhile, he'd be perfectly fine.

No, I would absolutely not send the toddler away. You are a family, and you do not want him to feel that he has been replaced by the baby. In fact, you need to be spending some dedicated "alone" time with your toddler every day. That said, you do need some help and also need sleep. If your parents cannot stay at your house awhile longer, are there any other friends or relatives who might be able to come help out? Otherwise, you need to hire someone to come to your house for several hours a day to allow you a break where you can get some rest and rejuvenation tme. Barring that, your 2yr old could go to daycare or mother's day out for a few hours a day as a chance to interact with other kids while allowing you a break. When your husband is home, be sure that he is giving you a break to rest and that each of you are spending some dedicated time with your toddler.

YEEES that's a great idea! he may be a little sad at first because of course he will miss his mommy, but he will not hate you, and think about what he will get in return - he will be the center of attention to, and be able to bond with, his grandparents! not to mention that maybe they can break in a little of that "terrible two" stuff, being from a different generation. and things will go so much easier for you as well, not that you're getting a break, but much less aggravation at least. and by the time he comes back, maybe he will be a litle more mellow and i'm sure he will miss the baby too. Good luck!

No, I wouldn't send my toddler away.
I would look into getting someone to come and help you in your home.
Kind of like a part time nanny for a few hours a day.
Someone you trust like from the neighborhoold or a friend.
She can be there in the house WITH you while you rest in another part
of the house w/your baby. She can keep your toddler entertained.

I think it would be helpful to everyone. You would have one less child to focus on for a bit and could (hopefully) get a little more sleep. You would actually be able to sleep when the baby slept versus worrying about a toddler who was still awake. He would get a chance to bond with his grandparents and would benefit from that one-on-one attention. He won't hate you for it. He may have a small period of adjustment, but I'd be willing to bet that within a couple of hours with them, he'd be set for his entire visit.

I have six kids, so I jump at the opportunity for any of them to visit family!

Hi T.,
I have a very lively toddler and one on the way. I often ask my in-laws to take him and sometimes feel as you do. However, we have had lots going on and they can give him the attention we can't when we needed to move apartments, finish some remodeling, walk around hardware stores.....They are super happy to take him and honestly I totally relax when I am focused on the one thing I needed to do. I also make sure we really do the things on the to-do list so that we don't feel guilty about sending him off. They have had him for up to 5 days and although by the second day I am missing him. it has given us the time to fix the things that might not be able to get done if he was around. And it is important for us to be able to be able to focus on one thing at a time and get things right so that we can really be good parents. If you don't get a break or a chance to focus I find that I am really stressed and totally take it out on my husband because I think he should be understanding how stressful things are for me when we are living in the chaos. So, I don't think you should feel bad about it. I think you should consider how many days to have him away if this is a first time away like this. But you should also think that he is going to get 200% attention when you can only give 50% with the new born. No one can replace you but your little guy with get a new experience, and baby #2 gets to bond with mommy just as baby #1 did. And if things don't go well, they will bring him home to you. No worries, no one is going to die. Also, think how great it is for the grandparents to get the chance to bond and help you out. It let's them feel helpful and part of the family and I know that my parents and in-laws love that they contribute. I think you shouldn't feel guilty. Whatever you decide will be right for you. But I don't think you should think you are "sending him away" in a negative sense.

-V

I wouldn't worry about how your toddler will feel. He may be upset at first and will of course miss you but will really enjoy the individual attention he'd be getting and will love you just as much or more when he comes back to you. It's not something I would personally ever be able to do (I've only spent 2 nights away from my 4.5 year old and was no more than 2 hours away!) but if it will help you, go for it! Each Mommy deals with stress in her own way.