Need Advice on Sleep - Gresham,OR

I can't guess from your post whether you've been in Africa 2+ weeks, or six. It takes a *minimum* of two weeks, often more, to adjust to an almost complete reversal of day/night. Plus babies and toddlers are often cycling through dramatic natural stages of their own. Add to this the major changes in your household situation, and you've got plenty of good reasons for her to have apparent sleep difficulties.

A lot of people attribute the quick changes little ones go through to ideas like "discipline" or "spoiling," but having watched lots of family patterns over my 60-something years, young children shuffle their patterns according to their own internal changes, like growth or learning spurts, that disrupt sleep for awhile. Or adapting to new circumstances.

To associate these changes with "spoiling" a child is usually a mistake. Children thrive on affection, holding, and attention, as long as these focus on the natural needs of the child, and are not used to compensate for the parents' own psychological needs.

Wearing your little girl as you work through the day might be really helpful. She may nap better, which could have the effect of quieting her nervous system and helping her sleep better at night, too.

Also, take care of yourself, and let go of as much anxiety about this as you are able. If your voice or body language is tense or impatient when you're trying to help her relax, she will probably sense that. It sure doesn't help a baby sleep. If you can look at your "extra" time with her in the evenings as joyful, and probably temporary, you'll all have an easier time now, and happier memories to look back on.

Hi, C.--

First of all, congrats on this great new adventure you and your family are undertaking! You will surely have some great memories to share with your little one when you come back. I just wanted to reiterate like the other responders that this is a big adjustment for your family and not to be too hard on yourself as a parent. I think you are hearing your mother instincts kick in and know your daughter is needing more reassurance from you and needing some consistency in her life when all the other environmental factors are so different. You are her constant. I think giving her the extra nurturance will help appease her fears rather than "spoil" her. It must be a very frustrating time right now for you and your husband especially when your daughter is fighting going to sleep. I know co-sleeping is common in many African cultures. Is this something that could work for you --at least for the meantime? Our daughter co-slept and still often does. There are times when she gets so clingy and it makes me really frustrated and then I realize that it is often happening when we are both under extra stress. This tells me that it is time for me to slow down and listen quietly to what is going on. This too shall pass.

Wishing you and your family the very best!

C.,

It looks like you have your answer in your post. If she's not falling asleep until 8-9 put her to bed then. Spend that time between 7 and bedtime cuddling with her, reading books, quiet play.

Major changes are *hard* on little ones, but with love, compassion and understanding they can adjust quickly. In part I agree with the local attitude, give her some extra love and cuddles to reassure her that her world is still safe. Another part I agree with y'all, children that can soothe themselves in the middle of the night is a wonderful thing.

Hope this help,
Melissa

I would just let her adjust in her own time. You are NOT creating a spoiled child. There are plenty of studies that show that children who are supported when they ask for it are more confident (and certainly a lot easier along the way). She is adjusting to so many things, this is just a small concession to support and nurture her. Best wishes and have a great year.

This move could end up being a great blessing for your family, being in a culture that hopefully hasn't adopted our culture's unnatural (and in my view cruel) practice of making children sleep alone. Your daughter will not be spoiled if you sleep with her - she will be secure and happy and more independent as she grows. Meeting a child's needs for closeness is the best way of raising a happy, healthy human being. (Speaking from experience - slept with my children till they were 4 or so, now they sleep with their children).

Wow, talk about major changes! I would not worry about spoiling your child, she just had a her life turned upside down and simply needs a little more reassurance than usual. Some regression in situations like this is not unusual and you actually should expect to see it in more than just her sleeping habits.
It is important that you give her as much reassurance as she needs right now, to get her settled in her new environment and make sure the bond between you, her and your husband is strengthened.
Now I have never practiced CIO and my now two year old daughter is neither spoiled nor has she trouble sleeping. We have simply very gently adjusted her to new bedtime routines over time (at 14 months I still nursed her to sleep...) and now she goes to bed awake most nights and falls asleep by herself.
CIO is a western thing and usually not practiced in countries where close living quarters are common. Children in many cultures simply don't have their own bedroom to CIO in and the entire family chips in to keep a baby happy. If you head over to mothering.com maybe they have some of their articles posted online, the magazine often features stories of women who lived abroad with small children for a while. They are very focused on attachment parenting, but if you are able to take from the read what you can identify with, it might be worth while.
Go with the flow... what a great opportunity to learn about a new culture for your entire family.

You have gotten some great advice, and using white noise might be helpful. I would also agree that you can try some tactics that you might not have normally tried, like rocking/soothing for extra time before bedtime - just to calm her more. Then, later you can try to reduce the necessity for such things. I think it is really normal to have difficulty falling asleep during transitions - my 2.5 just gave up her binky for sleeping just recently and it took over a week for her night sleeping to get back on track, and her naps were even harder. Many nights she stayed awake for until 8-9 (we also put her down at 7). The one piece of advice that I would not advise is giving up the nap. Strictly statistically speaking, a very high percentage of children at her age are still having 2 naps, and a smaller percentage are having 1 nap. MOST children keep one afternoon nap until their 3rd birthday at least. Giving up a nap could feasibly hurt her nighttime sleep, if she ends up getting overtired.

First - talk about a huge adjustment. So don't worry too much about it - I do wonder when is the sun setting.

I'd continue on and see how it goes. I don't think you'll spoil her - and considering the major move - don't worry too much about it.

We took my daughter to FL - for a week - and she had a really hard time sleeping because it was too quiet. She lives in a city with buses and stuff going by every half hours - so the too quiet made it hard for her to sleep - what is the noise level like where you are compared to before.

C.,

I think you clicked in on something when you acknowledged that your daughter was "happy here, it is just a slow adjustment". In older children, moving homes can be a cause for regression in everything from toilet learning to social behavior (or what we call 'acting out'). It is natural to want to correct the 'behavior', but more important is how we respond to what our child is needing.

To me, it makes absolute sense that your child is needing the security of sleeping with you *for right now*. What an enormous change, to go from a world of one language and a home and bed she's known and grown to feel safe and familiar in, to suddenly having two new (even if they are nice) people around in a new house. Her room is not the same, safe old room. She is turning to her safe, loving adults to help her through this time, to provide comfort and contact and the security of consistency through your presence. I can only imagine how surprising and frightening it might be to be plunked down in an unfamiliar place at the end of the day and left to figure it out on her own for a few hours. Children just don't have the cognitive skills to understand what's going on...they just know that things are different.

If it were me, I'd allow the cosleeping. You don't have to make a lifetime commitment to it; give yourself space to reassess in a bit, and try separate sleeping again in a while. If she's needing security, this time together can soften and smooth the transition. Try sleeping separately again in a month or so. Don't forget, too, that you can start your old routine when you return to the States. CIO is one method that needs to be "reinforced" every time you change their sleeping situation.

And the question about spoiling your daughter? My philosophy is that young children who are needing us cannot be spoiled when we are fulfilling their need. I find that spoiling usually occurs when parents go against their better judgment to accomodate a child's less-than-reasonable desires or outward behaviors. (ie-excusing away aggression or purchasing toys in reaction to temper tantrums.) Right now, it may be that your daughter is truly needing that reassuring closeness at night. No spoiling can come from this!

Have a great time during this exciting adventure in your lives!

She is going throught a really big change. I would also see about letting her stay up later and then use some of the attachment parenting techniques, askDrsears.com. I know in africa they wear their babies alot so maybe your daughter could be worn during a normal nap time and she may learn to fall asleep that way. Also at night if other people are telling you to not let her cry see if they can offer suggestions as to their cultural traditions either through words or gestures. Since this is a just a year you even if she gets "spoiled" it is not lasting forever. Enjoy the adventure!

You moved to a new culture a new climate and you are adjusting too. Indulge her for a while until she is comfortable. She needs to be pampered until she is relaxed. If the two women who share the house know nothing about small children then this is their learning curve. Time for those self centered women to grow up. And, if you have to tell them the truth about small children do so. You aren't there to protect them but to care for your child. Don't let those barren uteruses oppress you daughter or ruin your mothering experience.
Children cry often until the age of three. It is normal. If she goes to sleep better at 8 o'clock start singing to her then. Get a routine going ...tooth brushing,songs, stories and lay down with her until she falls asleep.
You are a couple with a child and accommodations must be made.
If you have to go to the organization that sent you to Africa and have them get you a house for a family.
Enjoy your time wherever you are. It'll be a good thing you went.
I know I moved around the world with two kids more than once.

You have a lot of good advice. I just wanted to say that you are her mommy and you know best for her.
I am an CIO mom. I think your methods have to be taloerd to your family and situation. At your daughter's age I bielieve she needs between 13-15 hours of sleep a day.
We moved when my daughter was that age. We didn't go nearly as far as you, but it was still an adjustment for her. In addition to extra TLC we also needed a couple of CIO nights to get her back on track. I went to CIO after 2 weeks of little sleep for either of us. My daughter happily goes to sleep on her own now.
Just do what you need to do for your daughter and yourself. Whatever method you choose to use, you should just ask for the support of those around you. Good luck!

C.,

I took my 14 1/2 month old and my 4 year old to a summer camp this past summer for two months (I was the director). We were in a new situation and away from daddy. My little one, the same age as your daughter, went from sleeping through the night 7pm-6am to sleeping from 9pm to about midnight in a crib then slept with me the rest of the night...nursing every hour or two hours. It was misserable for me but he was just adjusting and to a new situation. We returned home and within two weeks he was again sleeping through the night from 8pm to 6:30am. Just give your daughter some time and do what works right now for you and your family.

Good luck!

You're not creating a spoiled child by tending to her needs. She's had a HUGE transition in her life and it's taking some time to adjust. My daugher is a little over 2 and has never cried it out. She sleeps 11-12 hours in her own bed each night. When we followed her lead, she did what she was ready to do in her own time. She's not spoiled and understands boundaries. If she needs to get a little extra comfort, give it to her. If she's not falling asleep until 8 or 9, then try putting her down at 8 instead of 7. The women around you are your support system for the next year so instead of discounting them, ask for help from them.

Something my son and his wife did when their little girl was smaller, was they had soothing music that they played each night when they put her to bed. They initially rocked her for a short while with the same music, and then put her in bed. It is hard sometimes on little ones when they make such changes, and it takes a while until everything feels secure and they can relax. If you are living with others, that is probably something different than you normally had done. And while you adjust to all the differences, you are a little uptight also, even when it is your dream. That telescopes to her too. As you all settle in and feel more "at home" she will relax more too.

Among all the other advice your gotten. Of course she could just need to continure to adjust to her new home, ect...

My experience: Around 15-16 months my youngest daughter gave up naps, ugggg. It was not a easy choice for me (I loved nap time) but we had bedtime issues like you. I've always put my kids to bed early almost at the first eye rub and they've been good sleepers. When we began having bedtime issues first I tried to move naps to earlier (11am) that didn't work, so I moved them back to afternoon (1-2pm) still didn't work. It was frustrating because I really thought she needed a nap and always drifted off for naps great, but bedtime was something else. Finally I started skipping naps every couple of days (some days she still really needed them) on non nap days I would put her to bed closer to 6:30pm and she began going to bed well again -- within a couple of weeks naps were really done and bedtime was 6:30. We stayed on that schedule until she was 3 and now at almost 4yrs old bedtime is 7:30 for her and her 6yr old sister. All kids are different as a example I could still get my 6yr old down for a nap and it doesn't affect bedtime at all, but a 10min nap in the car and my youngest will be awake a extra hour.

HTH
E.

It may be time to do away with the last nap.

I gave up my daughter's nap in order to get her to sleep at night at 18 months. I also increased my daughter's activity level, and never let her sleep during the day, even if she fell asleep over her dinner plate. It worked like magic. And I cried because I really loved nap time. It was the only time I got to rest.

Good luck and what a glorious place to be!

mama, try puting one of your t-shirts over her matress, it will smell like you and she will sleep like a dream. worked for me, best of luck in africa. sounds wonderfull, and exciting.[ take lots of pics.]mama mona u.s.a. springfield oregon :]