Need Advice on My Teenage Pregnant Daughter

L.,
This is a tuff one as no mother wants to hear her teenage daughter is pregnant. I would be supportative and be there for her IF she asks. In time, she will come to realize what it takes to be a mother and will appreciate you for all you've done for her. Plus not to mention, you'll have a grandbaby you'll want to be part of their life as well.

Hi L. -

Learning the hard way this time is not a wise choice. There are TWO CHILDREN whose lives may be utterly destroyed if you don't offer support and guidance at this point -- your grandchild's and your daughter's. This is not, in my opinion, the time to turn your back on either of them.

While it's true that your daughter may not have made great choices, she is 16. Teenagers frequently do not make good choices, which is why we are legally responsible for them until they are 18 -- and, most kids don't make consistently good choices for themselves until they are 25 or older. We don't get to decide to stop parenting our children just because they have made a mistake -- no matter how bad that mistake is.

Your daughter is at risk for all sorts of problems right now -- will she finish high school? Every school district has programs for teenagers such as your daughter. You need to convince her to go back to school and at least get her GED.

Once she completes that, she needs help to either find a job, or continue her education. There are public support programs that can help her with tuition and child care while she gets a Certificate, AA, or BA -- which she will need so that she can adequately support herself and her child.

Finally, you need to do whatever you can to make sure she does not have another 'oops' baby -- please take her to Planned Parenthood so that she can receive birth control counseling -- the chances of her having a second child out of wedlock are very, very high. And as you well know, children are costly and time-consuming, and when at all possible, born when mom is ready and able to take care of them.

Best of luck, and hugs to you during this tough time!

J.

I may be coming from a perspective that is bias but I was a teenage mom. I became pregnant when I was 16 and had my daughter when I was 17. My family was completely supportive of me as long as I did what I needed to do to get ahead in life....which meant finishing high school and college. So with the help of them I finished my senior year and continued on to graduate from SJSU with a BS in nutritional science and complete the requirements for becoming as Registered Dietitian, which is what I do now. Without your help it will be so hard for her. I tried the welfare system and there is absolutely no way that it can help a mom. I am not sure if the dad is involved now but the more important question is will he stay involved. There is A LOT of financial support for single moms at the college level and she could take advantage of all of the programs. I am now 30 and my daughter just turned 13. After I finished school I married my husband (not her father) and we now have two little boys. I know you will be judged by others for helping her but this is the time in her life that she really needs it. Just my opinion of course!!! Good luck with the situation.
J.

This is probably a very painful subject, but has/have she/you considered adoption? (Either open or closed.) This really isn't about her or you now, but what would be best for her unborn child. A friend of mine found a stable home for her unborn child when she was a teen-ager too. Yes, there was a real sense of loss, but she got to see that her child went to a home with a mother and father who truly wanted a child. (You have to really want one to go through the adoption process.)

Another friend of mine adopetd two children through open adoptions. Her children were told from the beginning who their birth mother was, and the birth mother sees them regularly. My friend is definitely "Mommy", though. She and her husband absolutely consider these girls their own children. They were adored and truly wanted from day one, rather than having a struggling, single teen age parent.

I wish for you the best in a difficult situation. Email me if you want me to put you in touch with my friend.

What a

It's easy to say let her figure it out but harder to take her, love her and help her. If you don't help her she'll end up on welfare with no education. This most likely will continue with her own children. I think you should take her in with some rules. She must stay in school and complete her education number one. Then, she needs to be responsible for taking care of her child. Maybe, you could also set her up with a support group where she can hear from other teenage mothers. Maybe, adoption would be a route she might hear as positive and will allow both her and her baby to live full lives. I don't think there should be any shame in adoption. There are a lot of loving families out there who cannot have children who would be blessed.

I'm sorry, I don't understand how a 16 year old could move out on her own. Is she working, supporting herself? Or is there another family taking care of her? Is your husband her step-parent or her biological father? Were there problems between them before she moved out?

I can understand his frustration, but I think she really needs love and support right now. I don't know the details, but I can recommend Herritage Home in San Jose. They take in young girls during their pregnancies and teach them how to either care for themselves and their babies during the pregnancy and after, or help them with the adoption procedures. They can also continue with their schooling while there. She would have to abide by their rules though, and it sounds like she doesn't want rules.

I think that your husband is right in that she is already learning the hard way, but as a parent, I think you need to support her and show her that you still love her no matter what. I would set some very strict rules. You can't be on your own and ask for my money, so you will need to move back home. If you move back home, you will have to live according to our house rules. You have two other little ones who are learning from all of this and hopefully they will learn that there are consequences to our actions.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I pray that things work out for all of you.

WOW.

My answer would be both. You need to be there for her and let her know that you love her deeply but at the same time being a parent and mom has a lot of responsibility with it and you can not just bail her out. Please help her understand her decisions and find the resourses she needs. I can Recommend the Crisis Pregnancy Centers. They have resources, counslors, and most of all love for young girls who are pregnant. If she turns to you please do not turn her away or push her one directionor another. Just love her and support her because she is probably scared and confused and really needs mom and dad right now.

Hi L.,
First of all, my sympathies-- I know this is not the way anyone wants to become a grandmother!
211 will get you Social Services in Santa Clara County, so that's a place to start. Also, talk to Planned Parenthood-- congtrary to general opinion, they're not an 'abortion clinic' but will have all the information for your daughter to make an informed decision about keeping the baby, terminating, giving it up for adoption, etc.
As for your question, as a marriage and family, if she decied to keep the baby, I am a marriage and family therapist specializing in teens and would say: support her emotionally, be ready to listen, give advice if she asks it, but do NOT give her financial support or more help with the baby than is convenient for you. It is true that she needs to learn, and you don't want her to keep bringing babies into the world when she is a baby herself.
Good luck!

both u need to support her because if you don't you will lose her for the rest of you'r life, but u also need to let her learn the hard way that it is her child not your's and she is the one that is going to have to care for the baby not you.

I dont have any advice except to show her that you still love her. I was a young mom as well. I was 18 when i found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and i can say from experience that just knowing that my mom was there for me was a huge step in the right direction. If you push her away, there is a good chance that you will not get to see/know that precious grandchild. I know this from experience, my husbands parents thought I should have an abortion and they didnt see their grandchild until she was almost a year old.

I do want to say to those people who responded with teh baby is a mistake, adoption is the only way, etc...

Just because someone is a young mom, that does not mean that they will not get an education or that they will end up on welfare. Both my husband and I (my DD's father) finished college (him in Software Engineering, and I in Business). I have never been on any type of welfare. He works a great job and I am able to stay home and take care of our child/home. We have a well adjusted child. And just because I had one child out of wedlock, it does not automatically mean I will have another. People you cannot be that stupid to assume these things.

First of all, ladies it's not the time to bash. What's done is done and this is an unborn life we are talking about! L. needs our help, not our criticism! Nobody but God can judge because NO MATTER HOW GOOD OF PARENTS YOU ARE OR AREN'T.... You never know. My father was a Baptist Minister strict as you can imagine... but someway, somehow.... but anyway..

I agree with Jennifer!! I too had my son right when I turned 17. My parents supported me emotionally and even though it took me time working full-time and being a single mom, I graduated with my Bachelor's this year! We didn't come from a lot of money, I started working and going to independent study to graduate. I really did do it on my own, but the fact that my mom and dad didn't disown me allowed me to not have the added pressure of family stresses. I still was expected to do what I needed to, but they still loved me! The worse thing you can do is not be there for your daughter in this time. She is still young minded and scared right now. There will always be mixed emotions from you, your husband, but the best parental move you can make is being there for her. Teenage moms usually go one way or the other, there really isn't a middle ground. Either they give up and take the easy road (if there is such a thing) or they straighten up and realize that they have some growing up to do... FAST! With family support, your daughter will be as grounded as she can be in becoming a mommy. Good luck and let me know if you need anything! =) God Bless! You will make it through!

Ok... To be honest I don't understand why a 16 year old was allowed to "make her
Own choices" and move out...? I don't think you should be overjoyed about this, but think
Some support for her would be good. Adoption of the baby to a loviong and stable home
Seems the best option for all and if I were you I would really push that. You are her parents
and need to take back that role and help guide her in this time.

I suspect letting her learn the hard way means he doesn't know what to do either- would it be correct?

I suggest to brainstorm every possibilities for your daughter, from giving lots of your help to minimal or not any, according to your time, means and your responsibility as parents; and what is she capable of doing for herself.

Think of your other two girls, what message will you be sending to them, will you abandon them when they need your help? I strongly suggest a supportive role; your children would love you for that, and will respect you and listen to you more!

Imagine if you are in your daughter's shoes now, what would you like her parents do?

This may not be a good time to punish or lecture her, since she is vulnerable and there is another life at stake.

Hope that when everything has worked out, she will appreciate you. Best wishes!