I'm going to start with the immediate situation. After much going back and forth and through many emotional discussions, my husband agreed that I was right and that he probably had depression and needed to see an MD ASAP. He was diagnosed with depression by his MD about 6 weeks ago. His MD asked him to make a few changes: less caffeine, start and exercise routine and stop drinking. He's done all three except the drinking - he still drinks in social situations, but not excessively. He was asked to find and see a therapist and has once. His MD said that if his physical depression symptoms were not getting better with some of the changes and therapy to call him so that he could discuss the therapy/medication option.
Here's the catch 22 - my husband feels like it's a waste of time to see the therapist w/o medication because therapy does nothing to lessen the physical symptoms he has (rapid heartbeat, anxiety, self effacing thoughts, etc.) He wants to do the therapy in tandem with the meds because he says he wants to actually be able to filter correctly what the therapist has to say and he feels he can't do it without medication. My husband is not a meds person by the way - he barely takes Tylenol when he gets a headache, so for him to admit this was a big step. His MD originally stated that he wanted to him to see a therapist three times then go to meds if needed. So we're at an impasse. I told him to just call his MD and at least discuss your feelings on the matter and go from there. He won't even make the call. Question 1: How do I get him to make the call? He's slipping in his resolve to get help - he's exercising less and drinking more (luckily not excessively, but enough days a week to concern me). He made promises to me and our family that he was going to get help for this. It's affecting our kids, his job, our financial situation. He needs the help and he isn't putting a priority on it.
Question 2: How long do I give him to take care of this problem? If it were something that just crept up in the last year or two, I'd probably not even be asking the question. However, I've been dealing with this and his issues for the better part of the last 8 years and in some ways our entire relationship. I take the brunt of it, I get the belittling, I'm the one that can do nothing right, I'm the reason he feels so bad, etc. I just didn't know it was depression causing this behavior. There have been a lot of words, a lot of fights, a lot of lies in relation to him being out drinking to cover his depression over the past 8 years. Trust is an issue. He quit the bars and drinking at home about 2 1/2 years ago, so I no longer have to deal with what was actually a drunk depressed guy, and when he stopping the excessive drinking his depression symptoms actually got worse. He is very careful how he talks to me now and is mindful of some of his symptoms, but he won't pull the trigger on the hard stuff - meds and therapy, yet he still complains about his symptoms, mostly the physical ones.
With the depression diagnoses, it gave me hope that the person he has become is not him - he really is the guy I fell in love with, but right now has an illness. But I've put up with this for so long and heard his claims that he's going to change SO many times and frankly I'm out of patience. I thought he was as relieved as I was to get the diagnosis, but now I'm not sure. I will go with him to get help. I'll be on the phone with him and the MD, as long as he's being treated. If he won't get help I just feel like I can no longer live like this. Do I put deadlines on this? My heart breaks for him, but when is enough, enough? My kids both have confidence issues and my daughter gets upset or tattles over every little thing (and why not, dad complains and freaks out over the little things). I believe I have a small window here - my kids are 8 and 5 - if I need to make a break, it should be sooner rather than later because the learned behavior from a depressed person cannot be good. Does anyone have any experience in this? Am I being selfish in considering leaving since I have a spouse with an illness? Or is him not getting help a deal breaker? Thoughts on any and all of this would be appreciated.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I was feeling so alone that day and your responses reminded me that I am not the only one who is going through this. Your responses helped my resolve as well to continue to have empathy, but stand up for what I want - him to get help, to stop making excuses, and that I am not going to enable him anymore and just "let it slide". He called the MD last week and we have an appointment with his primary MD tomorrow and will discuss the therapist vs. psychiatrist angle, and medication. With any luck improvement will be on the way. Thank you again.
What's the big deal about him getting medication?
Most of the people I know are on some kind of anxiety/depression medication. It might take a bit to find the medication that works best for him but I think sometimes meds work way better than all the talking in the world for this kind of thing. (And I say this as someone who is NOT on medication but I took anxiety pills briefly a couple of times to help me through things.)
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. My partner and I have been together for 9 years and he was battling depression for about 6 of them. Additionally I’ve had to deal with my own problems with depression including a complete emotional breakdown that nearly got me kicked out of college. I agree with what Catherine said about seeing a psychologist they are much better equip to monitor these medications (I actually had a MD tell me to take St. Johns wart when I was in the midst of a serious breakdown – and by the way St. John’s wart is a placebo, it does no good for serious chemical imbalances). I also agree with your husband. If he doesn’t feel like he can process his therapy sessions properly then starting medication now is completely valid.
As for the “deadline” issue. I would hold off on any kind of definitive date. But you should talk to him and let him know that separation is an option you are keeping on the table but you want to work with him to get better so that leaving doesn’t become necessary. As a child of a woman who suffered from clinical depression for 20+ years I’ve got to say that your kids (even the 5 year old) are well aware of their father’s problem even if they don’t know what it’s called or how it’s affecting them. When my mother’s depression got really bad (after a m/c) my dad sent me to live with my grandparents for a month. For me it was a fun summer vacation for my parents it was a chance to work on their relationship and mom’s health. If you have this kind of option I would take advantage of it.
Hi M.,
The protocol for my health care provider is also to see a therapist first. The general mds don't prescribe the anti-depressant medicines. For me this was a good thing. I suffered for years (8+ years mild, one year severe) before seeking medical help. I saw the therapist once. At the same time, I asked for a complete physical with blood work from my regular doctor (a family member was recently diagnosed with several conditions I wanted to avoid). The results of the blood test showed I had mild hyperthyroidism. Depression was my only symptom. I take a tiny dose of medicine daily to fix my thyroid. I'm me again and happy. I just wish I knew 8 years ago about this... What if the md had just prescribed antidepressants? That would have taken care of the symptom, but not the cause.
Why don't you ask the doctor for referrals for you (and maybe your kids) to go to a counselor? It might be beneficial to you and your kids and perhaps your husband will come along sometime.
I think only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. I overheard my mom talking once not long ago to a neighbor. She said "I'd put up with a hell of a lot before I raised kids on my own." First off, it's one of the only times I've heard her swear. Second, she did put up with more than I think I would.
Nobody wants to feel depressed and yet there is an overwhelming feeling of helplessness at the same time.
Good luck to you and your family.
Hi M.,
not to get too personal, did your husband have any blood work done? My husband has been suffering from depression for quite a while and refused to go to the doctor. Recently I made him go get a physical. The blood work revealed he has a thryroid condition and that some of the symptoms are just like depression. Although he was still depressed, it gave him another "out" to deny it. But since he has been on medication for the thyroid he has done all of the other things he was supposed to for his depression, like less caffeine, more exercise, etc.
Anyway, just a thought.
M., I feel for you. I have been in this very same situation. My husband of 10 years has been suffering from depression for at least 10 years and really I think longer. Negativity abounds....and people say "why did you marry him?" Well because he also had this incredibly sweet and tender heart too and when he was in a good mood he was fun and loving. About a year ago it really came to a head. He was getting ready to start a new job that was said to be stressful, he was in an old job that was awful, we were getting ready to have our third child and to top it off his best friend was moving....all in a matter of two weeks. He started having serious anxiety attachs and crying fits and just couldn't deal. He was put on medical leave just as our third child was born. So the good part was that he got to be around for that. And it gave him a chance to see the family that his depression was affecting a bit more. When they are in depression they are incredibly self centered and it is hard to get through to them that you are there and you are going through it too. They think they have it bad and sometimes you really have it worse. Trying to be single mother, basically, to three and if you include him four.
Well anyway he was put on meds and seeing a counselor and he felt the same way about the counseling. He went to a psychiatrist 2 times and a counselor a handful of times and then quit that because he just didn't see how it was helping. The first few sessions were helpful though because he did discover some things about himself that he didn't realize. But I'll tell you without the meds I'm not sure he'd have discovered those. So I'm inclined to agree with your husband that he does need the meds. And even when he does go on meds they need to be monitored and messed with. It's been a year and I still don't think his med are taking care of it the way they should. The exercise and eating right are also super important.
Don't be afraid to take initiative too. I didn't feel that his original dr. was doing anything for him. So I made an appointment with another dr. I'd talked to and knew would help better. And I took my husband to him.....not quite kicking and screaming but almost.
Communication is very important too. You need to somehow, maybe in small doses that he can take, but somehow tell him how he is treating you. They don't realize. And they do take it out on us. And they need to know they do. They need to know what it is that you see. But also they need to be built up. Part of it is self-esteem. They need to hear what you fell in love with. What it is that you love about them.
The last piece of advice I will give is you need to find a friend or counselor for you to lean on. I was very blessed and had a friend who had some background in this so she was very supportive for me. You need to find someone to unload on and someone that can build you up. You have to have that outlet and you have to have that support. I would have crumbled without it.
It does get better. It takes time and it'll probably be a lifetime of dealing with it. And I know you are scared for your kids. I am too! But he and I talk all the time about how different things we say or do can affect them. I must admit that I'm one of those that doesn't believe in divorce so I can't advise that. But I'll also tell you that I had feelings of wanting to leave....daydreams even of how much better life would be.... in the very hard times. So that I think is normal. But stick in there and PRAY....we have had somethings happen that you wouldn't believe and I do believe they are because of prayer. You will get through this and probably on the other side your marriage and family will be better for it.
If you need to call to talk about it to someone who has been in the same situation please email me and I'll get you my number. I'll pray for your family as I pray for mine every day.
Sincerely,
M. H.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know how hard it is and don't really have any answers. After my husband and I were together for about 10 years he started to show some signs of depression. I wasn't familiar with depression and didn't deal with the issue until his Mother died about 5 years later. At that point he fell apart and couldn't work and complained constantly about how I didn't do anything right and everything was terrible (his health, the kids, me, the world). At that point I told him he had to do something because I couldn't make things better. I think it is essential that your husband get a complete check up (my husband also had low thyroid), see a psyciatrist not just his regular doctor, and that all of you see a therapist. You are right about the affect on the children and I see what it has done to mine now, but I can't bring myself to break up my family. I have no way of knowing if it would help or hurt them to be without their father. I love him when he is feeling good and hurt for him when he feels really down. He tends to deny that he he has a problem and he takes his medication mainly because it helps him sleep and seems to relieve some of his physical pain. His psychiatrist goes along with it as long as he takes the medication. We have been in and out of therapy but he says that the therapists just blame him for everything and no one else has to take any responsibility.
The kids see the way he is and know what is happening now that they are teens but my daughter can pinpoint exactly when the big change happened (when she was 7). She also suffers from depression now and perhaps it would be better for her to not have to deal with his depression in addition to her own. But then maybe she learns something from his situation. She sees how his denial hurts everyone around him and understands better how important it is to deal with it. She is able to confront him in therapy and can really make him deal with his issues and see how his behavior is affecting her. I think she is better at this than I am because she is his child not his wife.
Anyway, I hope you can get the support you need and he can get the help he needs. It isn't easy and no one can tell you what you should do. We all just do the best we can.
M.,
I am not going to preach a sermon here but there are some great church councling options for couples and reaching out to others who can be there for you. Doc's and med's could be avoided with the right therapy.
Blessings
C.
Well, an MD and a therapist have totally different approaches. I am all for meds for stabilizing the situation, however, the underlying issues need to be dealt with, either through a therapist of church counselor.
I am saying the following with nothing but tenderness and concern......as long as you are so focused and involved in his "illness", he does not have to take responsibility for himself. He is an adult and his choices are his own. If I were in that situation, I would focus my attention and healing energy on the children, they need you. This is a learning opportunity for them, but they need your support through this. The thing that should get your husband moving is to see his wife and children moving forward each day, enjoying life without his involvement. Really the ball is in his court, and "setting deadlines" is an illusion of control over a situation that is completely up to him.
Take care of yourself and your children - period.
Blessings :0)
I'm so sorry your family has to deal with this. In my experience the main reason they like to do counseling before drugs it to help determine rather it's something wrong in the brain, or something in life that is causing the problem. I also (personally) don't think an MD is the best qualified profession to give or maintain medication for depression. My family has a long history of depression and we have found that when a psychologist is monitoring the medications it is more likely to be successful. Rather or not it is with counseling. I know, for myself, I become more motivated if people kind of make the plans for me (I know, selfish and all, but people are right life becomes all about the person when they are depressed) I would love it if my husband said, "look, I see you are falling into depression again so I set up an appointment for you...lets get this taken care of." That's just my experience. If he does get on medication and decides to get off it, be sure to watch him if he does it cold turkey. There are some bad side effects from stopping the use of anti-depressants. I do believe, above all, you should do what is right for your kids!!! Talk to your 8 year old and see what she has to say about dad.
Best of luck,
C.
My heart went out to you as I read your request. I agree with the other respondant that you should definitely put out some deadlines for your husband. It had to have been a VERY big deal for him to admit to having a problem, but if his decision to get better is starting to falter, you should make the push now before it is gone. A big part of depression is feeling like nothing will help. He thinks he sees that something will help - meds plus therapy. When you are depressed, just picking up the phone and calling the doctor's office is very hard to do. Maybe you should set up a doctor's appointment and require him to go. He needs to know NOW that you have been pushed to the point of thinking about leaving. Give him a chance to respond to this. He will either step up and meet the requirements, or he won't. Decide what you are going to do if he doesn't. And if he does agree to therapy, you might want to consider couple's therapy as well to help mend the breech his illness has caused.
Just a side note: kids become supreme tattle-talers in the age range of 8 to 10.
I have dealt with depression on and off for my entire life. Sometimes it's easier to deal with life the way we have been for most or all of our lives. Change can be scary. I do believe with all my heart that it is far more acceptable in society for a woman to be depressed than a man. After all, men are brainwashed that they should never show any emotion other than anger and drive. Depression is usually based in some sort of event or series of events that happened which were left to fester beneath the surface. There is something (or somethings!) that he hasn't dealt with. People don't become anxious for no reason at all! They just might see the reason up front.
My main concern is NOT for your husband, but for you. I have also been on your side of the fence and being on your side of the fence is what has caused me a great deal of issues in my adultlife. You are a human worthy of being loved and treated with respect and right now your husband is either not "aware" of that major FACT or he just doesn't care. People with depression tend to focus ONLY on themselves. Woe is Me... MY life sucks... Me... Me...ME!!
I would put a deadline on the issue. Actually several deadlines such as "You have x amount of days to see the therapist 2 more times." "You then have x amount of days to call the MD to see him/her for the medication." (remind him that the medication was HIS idea in the first place because he felt that the therapy was going to be a waste of time without it.) If at any point in time he isn't following through with the program then I would take a hiatus from the family home. Take your kids and go stay with family if at all possible. Maybe you leaving for a while will snap him back into reality. The reality of him driving you away.
On the other hand... you walk a very fine line because what can happen is that he can slip further in to his depression if he feels like now he is failing his family and possibly losing the sole person who he thought was going to be there for him. However! YOU CAN NOT CONTINUE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE A VICTIM! Eventually, you will develop some issues because of his treatment.
Men have a very hard admitting that they have something going on. This might also be more rooted in a physical condition as well. I'd do some research on Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I don't know the whole situation but I just finished a class and these two topics were in it. Some people actually have a missed diagnosis of this because they are not well accepted in the medical profession as of yet, but they are making head way.
Good luck to you M. and if you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me :)
J.
